Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Today's weigh-in i am 108.5lbs!!
Finally below that 109,5!!!!!
Yesterday's total was
80 cals- banana
80 cals- of jello
So total 240 cals!
I think the jello saved me. I needed something sweet and tastey. Yesterday was like an 80 day. maybe a new diet maybe? The 80 diet! lmao
Yesterday I had an intense experience.
I walked in my kitchen and had a full intention of giving up and having some fries, but then I felt something odd. I felt such an intense hatred for myself, for eating, for giving up. I've never felt anything like it. It made me just walk right out of there. No food in hand. Odd.
It didn't happen for the rest of the night, maybe because I kept my ass out of the kitchen.
Then this morning i stripped till i was in my underwear and got on the scale. 108.5 flashed. i was soo happy. Then as i went to put my pants back on, i don't know how to describe it, i looked at my legs and it was almost a flash of thin. Like suddenly for a moment i had the legs I've always dreamed of. Then they suddenly turned back into my normal, large thighs and legs.
Can anyone else say odd?
Hmm, it was weird yet inspiring.
My body is currently SCREAMING at me for food. My mom is also making Cinnamon rolls. Mmmm i love those. i know if i have one i'll go on a binge fest. So i'm going to try to avoid it.
I'll think of all you guys out there.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Anyway, i'm starting to feel weak right now.
Like i'm not even that hungry but my mom brought home lots of goodies. *sigh*
So far today i've had
-80 calories of veggie soup
-80 calories of a banana
A good amount of food if you ask me.
I got on my scale and it says 109.5 but i was wearing all my clothing so maybe (i pray for) 108.5??
I think i just want to eat because i'm bored.
I'm sitting here re-reading the famous Ana Regzig blog. If you haven't read you should,
Now that girl is such a THINspiration.
She hasn't updated in FOREVER. Getting a little worried, cuz in last post she was forced into rehab. Hmm, i hope she's ok.....
Anyway, i loved reading your thoughts on the ABC diet.
i think i'm with you Ranna B, you all know how i am with sticking too a set calorie count.
I hope i stay strong for all of my followers! :)
Have any of you done it?
It would be my first time, i hear you lose crazy weight with it.
Anyway, i want to apologize to Kate.
i know that you are trying to show us what happened. I just read your latest post, and i want to let you know i will be reading. I should know what lies on the other side. And it's odd, i have most of the feelings you do... I look into that more. <3
Yesterday i was at a friends house, he got a treadmill for Christmas (fitness freak) so then i was running.
I never liked running but on a treadmill, AMAZING. Being inside of a nice temp. house no cold air burning your throat. LOVE IT!
I'm saving up to buy one. :)
It's weird, i have... i don't know what to call them. Possibly friends? On here who know more about my life then my best friend. You all know my secret, my internal fight, every fast, every tear, every fail. They know the happy Riki, the one they look up too.(Weird right?) They tell me that i have so much self-confidence, (yea right...) hmm......
Have you ever been in that path where you are doing good, then you get that first craving and you just tell yourself, Go ahead eat it. You're going to end up failing anyway.
That where i am.
Sorry for this jumbled mess. Had to get my thoughts out.
I'll most likely post again later,
Love, a confused
P.s. Kate, i hope your sister finds peace, as do you.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
It used to be different. Then she changed it to a recovery blog.
It was the most inspirational blog i've ever read.
Too bad it's gone now.
She made herself ana.
But then realized she didn't want it
I really can't read it now, i just can't. If it's the fact that it's about recovery or she's trying to tell us the truth, i just can't handle that right now. I plan to be ana forever, she is my friend and i plan to stick with her.
But if your looking to get out of Ana go to that blog, it might help.
As for me i'm still on my own Quest for Perfection.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Good News, i only gained 1 lb. I'm 110.5 right now.
Bad News, Now the holidays are over that means summer is approaching in a couple of months!
Gah! The time of bikinis and tank tops! And the most horrible thing of all. Shorts. *shutter*
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Hahaha. My new motivation. By June i want to be 95 lbs.
Let's make it happen!
So anyway, Today i'm going to the mall. Probably not going to eat. Going to do the whole, oh i already ate excuse.
I have to return a load of clothing. Which is going to suck with everyone else trying to return stuff also.
Have any of you ever had a Ferrero Rocher Chocolate? They are like crunchy on the outside with like truffle inside with a hazelnut. MMMMMM SOO GOOD!!!
My mom bought an entire box.
Oh yea she calmed down too. Seeing me eat dinner made her happy.
Another thing. With deaths in Ana. Ana is all about control, so if you die, you lost control along the way. People are able to live with Ana, all of those models and just normal people like you and me. Sure, we are still "normal" but we don't want to be. We want to be perfect, and we know how to get there.
Don't ruin your lives with it though.
One of my favorite blogger is recovered now, if you want to check her out.
It's a blog all about recovery.
I hope you all stay strong, and have a great day.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I know look at that Riki failed again.
BOO FUCKING WHOOO
I'll start over after the holidays. I'm not letting myself feel bad because it's my own fault. My weight is 109.5. 4.5lbs off.
Enough about my sad weight i have better things to tell you about
Ok so i think my mom is starting to get suspicious. Which is weird judging by the fact I've been binging around her constantly. We were talk about Britney Murphy *RIP* died and how it might be because she was anorexic/drug abuser. Stupidly I may have defended Ana a little.
I was like "Anorexia can't kill you, only if you starve to the point of organ failure. I say Anorexia with the combined drug use was too much for her heart."
My mom then said "Anorexia WILL KILL YOU. Not eating will kill you!" An other stuff of that nature. I my head i was like 'i can last days with out eating and not die so HAHAHA' But in my head.... lol
Then i put on my fav outfit. It makes me look skinner than normal. except for my fat ass thighs but those suck and are touching which pisses me off, but back on track.
Then my mom after she saw my outfit said "That makes you look like a bag of bones" to which i said "i think it looks cute" But on the inside i was saying "FUCK YEA!!!!"
Then she asked me what i ate yesterday. Which i shall never repeat. Too horrifying...
Then she said the sugar cookies i ate DON'T COUNT. Because they have little sugar because my foods teacher can't have a lot of sugar. Then that makes them have NO CALORIES. WHICH IS A LIE. Just because the sugar has decreased doesn't get rid of the BUTTER, EGGS, FLOUR, SUGAR WE PUT ON TOP. She just doesn't get calories. gah
Oh well, I'll make sure to start eating in front of her.
Oh yea i thought of something i found funny.
Christmas cookies/binges = Santa's gift to anorexics to make him feel better about himself.
hahaha so true.
Anyway, i happened to look at some random blog and it was for a girl who was committing suicide though Ana.
WHICH PISSED ME OFF! If you are doing that get off my blog right now. I find that so annoying. You go through all of this hard work, just to die. So stupid.
My rule is what's the point of being skinny if your dead. Which makes me do Ana in the healthiest way possible. So i can just balance myself on that razor thin line of perfection.
Sorry for ranting.......
Someone in the comments was saying how i must be mad since i was cursing. I curse a lot. I usually curse at least once in every post. i don't do it on purpose but it's the way i am.
I was very surprised to see that i had 30 followers. That just makes me want to work harder. Knowing more people are watching me fail makes me want to stay on track.
Love you all! I hope you enjoy the holidays, and stay away from those fattening treats.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
"Just 1 bite of that cookie wouldn't hurt..." So i went into the kitchen and took the cookie. One bite. Then another, and another. Then 3 more cookies, the some stuffing with gravy and a lot of other crap.
Just when i started to do good.
Well, no more.
Can i ask how the fuck did i gain so much in a 1 day binge..... Ugh that sounds bad.....
I don't really know my weight right now, i'm scared to weigh myself. It's going to be bad :(
So today, i'm fasting. Sundays are hard because my entire family is home today.
But right now i don't give a fuck.
It's too close to Christmas, I WILL BE AT 105 BY THEN. please let me be at 105 then.
If i'm forced to eat, i'll eat a tiny ass bowl of salad, ONLY LETTUCE.
Then tomorrow, let's hope i can still fast, if not the same lettuce deal.
Continued up intill Christmas.
Where it will be food city. Let's hope i stay strong then.
I'll update you guys once i weigh myself...
So how are you all doing...
It snowed a lot by me, so i'm stuck in the house all day. Maybe if the roads clear up, i can make my mom take me Christmas shopping for my friends.....
Have you ever had one of these moments, like you see a spider then turn around to get something to hit it with and then it's gone.... That just happened now i have no idea where it went.....
Ok yea, I HATE SPIDERS, i totally am terrified of them...
Cutting this post sort now,
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
This morning i was complaining how it sucked to throw up all night, and my mom was like "i don't know how those bulimics do it, throwing up after every meal, i hate throwing up." For the couple times I've purged after eating it's like different that being forced to throw up. Like, making yourself do it is almost graceful compared to having no control over throwing up....
But i don't really have much insight about that since I'm more Ana....
So i think i had somewhere around 250 cals...not bad. But at weigh in this morning i was at 113...hopefully it's water weight, it would make no sense since i barely ate anything yesterday.
After looking at the comments for the jumping jack things i also hope it's 1 cal per jumping jack....I'll have to look into it more.....
Tomorrow I'll might do the apple diet with a Clementine. It's 10 slices per Clementine so i could have 2 slices for breakfast, 2 slices for lunch, 2 slices for a snack, and and 4 slices for dinner... sounds pretty good, and around 60 cal. If i can do that till Christmas I'll probably be around 105.
So that's all for now.
Starve on my skinny bitches
Saturday, December 12, 2009
MY PERIOD IS OVER!!!!!
THANK THE LORD!
And today to thank that terrific news i'm fasting(Kinda). So far i've had water and a candy cane. (Peppermint curbs cravings)
Now i'm going to the mall, Yay clothing thinspo!!! Then if i'm forced to eat i'll get a low-cal taco at taco bell, so that's 150 cal..... Hopefully i'll get out of it though.....
Last time i went to the mall i tried on a dress and i couldn't get it off, i was too fat for it...... :(
Now i'm somewhere around 113.....Thanks for that period.
Man, i was a binge machine during my period.
Hey, have anyone of you guys heard this??? That everyone jumping jack burns 1 cal. I thought it would be less than that....but apparently not....so cool.
Lady Gaga's bad romance song is thinspo so check it out. It could represent out relationship with Ana.
I'll talk more later....
Love you all,
Monday, December 7, 2009
It's my stupid period. I'm spotting today, so i'll probably get it tommorrow or the next day. bleh. Today apparently my cravings came early. i was craving chocolate like an angry girl PMSing. Maybe because i haven't had it in so long because of my wieght now it's coming on full force.
Once it's done BACK ON TRACK, NO EXCUSES.
Not much to say. I had a good post planned out but now...meh.
Stupid chocolate sugar crash
Stupid fat ass me.
Good luck girls.
Sorry for the crappy post. It's just one of those days.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Yesterday i sat in a freezing stadium for the championship football game. I was so cold, i thought i was frozen to the effeing seat.
That night i had a pretzel, and a hot chocolate
But luckily no dinner
So hence me losing 2 lbs is because i froze my butt off ALL NIGHT. I walked in the door at midnight. My feet were sooooooo cold. Brrrrrr
My friends mom asked her if i had an eating probelm. Ha! Nope i'm just naturally skinny...... ;)
Why would she ask this while i'm a fat shit? Why not when i was at 103? WTF??? When i'm at 95, i wonder what she'll think then....hmmmmm
My mommy bought lots of goodies at the super market. Those devils trying to sneak their way into my body. Trying to make me fat. *shutter* If i can keep that thought i'll be perfect.
For some thinspo i decided to take my Teen Vouge and rip out all of the skinny model pages and put them on my wall. Now every morning when i wake up i see this beautiful girls staring back at me. And they all are wearing cute clothing so i can say i like the clothing. Then i put up a picture of a *plus size model* (fatty) on my wall to show me, what i could become if i ate, or what i could become if i starved. :) Try it out, believe me it helps.
So how are all of you my skinny minnies????????
I hope your doing good.
Sorry i haven't posted in a while...
To many people are home and Ana is a secret not a family event.
Ana luv to you.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
get more healthy fruits and veggies.
Eat no more than 500 cals a day.
Finish this routine by the end of each day
-200 star jumps
-200 sit ups
-1 hr of walking
Drink at least 6 bottles of water each day
NO JUNK FOOD
Focus on studying to show everyone i'm not a dumb ass
Sunday, November 29, 2009
My sister and i had to clean the house so we pulled names out of a hat. She got all of the hard jobs. She than commanded me to go upstairs and do mine. My sister doesn't know how to ask she always commands it makes me feel like a fucking dog. No, wait, she treats our dog better than me.
Anyway, so i went upstairs to do mine. I felt bad for her getting all of the hard ones so i did her jobs. All of them. And i did mine. Then she comes upstairs. She starts telling me everything i did wrong. Oh, there is still stuff on the rug. Over there too. That bed isn't made right. That's just a taste of everything i do wrong. Then she sees i cleaned everything including her rooms. She said thanks....Then went back to commanding me o do more stuff. Then i made everyone dinner. (I really just put it in the oven) And my sister asked if i was going to have any. i said no. She said Yes you are. So then i ate dinner.
Then everyday my mom is asking me about my grades. How they suck. How i need to pick them up. How she never sees me doing any homework. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOUR NEVER HOME MOM, EVER THINK OF THAT? Really my mom is never home because she's working, for us. So i don't really care much about that. But everyone needs to get off my fucking back!
I got 3 C's, 3 B's, and 2 A's. Not so bad it means I'm average. But really who the fuck wants average?
I'm never good enough am i? I'm not cleaning enough, I'm not smiling enough, my grades are good enough, I'M NOT SKINNY ENOUGH.
That's it. The game is on. I WILL BE PERFECT.
I don't care if it kills me.
So that's that. Off to the rest of the blog.
I will restart my Fast (again) today. i feel stronger since of what happened yesterday.
Also if you want to try this go ahead. i bought a calendar. Then i took 3 different colors and made them represent Red- Binge. Blue-Fast. Yellow- Restrict. So then you can look back and see how you did over that period of time. It helps me. Then I can plan ahead. Seeing it on paper helps, because you can see how amazing your doing or how crappy.
Good luck everyone. Tell me how ur doing.
Starve on my skinny minnies.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
My current weight is at 109. A stupid plateau. Damn.
Then this morning Frito's were calling my name. If i ever eat other Frito in my life it will still be to soon.
So today after my little Frito binge, with a side of mac and cheese. :( eww i sound gross :( ughhh
I'm going to fast hopefully. But today is Sunday. Sunday is horrible for me because everyone in my family is home. So maybe alot of restricting... We'll see.....
If you noticed at the top of the page above my thinspo quotes there is a binge counter thing. It will help keep me on track. You all will know the depressing news before you even read the blog entry. So that's a good reason to stay on track. Oh yea i borrowed the idea from Sophia. Hope you don't mind..... :/
UGHHHH THANKSGIVING IS COMING! :(
I HATE Thanksgiving. What a disgusting holiday. Anyone got tips for avoiding food on Thanksgiving?!?!?!
Tomorrow i'm starting a fast and going in till Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will balance out the fast and binge....hmmm.......
Hope you are all doing well. I love seeing how many followers i have!!!!!! :)
Ana luv to you!
Think Thin & Starve On,
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I'm going to fast today. My will power ain't so good. But i'm going to follow Nikki's plan of doing 20 jumping jacks every hour. Then i set my alarm on my phone to send me little messages during the day. Like "Ana would be proud." or "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." "That stomach pain is your fat melting away...." Try it. It helps me!
Oh yea. I was thinking. Remember when we were kids, and when we actually saw someone anorexic and we would say "ewww! her bones are sticking out!" or we'd make jokes about them being skeletons. I wonder when that changed. When one day i went "well, she's actually really pretty. Those bones are perfection..." How weird, that your brain can suddenly just go "nope! she's really pretty!"
Ana luv to you
P.S. The pizza guy spitting on it was a great idea!
P.S.S Hope you all are doing better in your weights.
P.S.S.S. Oh yea, now i'm going to be a fat pig at my dance. Great.
Luv you all! BYEEEE!!!!!!!!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
To someone that commented i wanted to say thanks! Your comment made me smile :) Anorexics are everywhere. When we feel lonely we really shouldn't. Look at how many blogs and web pages there are!
So yep. My life has been boring. I've been weak. But hopefully it's all going to change! I've been dreading Thanksgiving. I really want to do a 4day fast then on thanksgiving restrict. Since there is only 1 meal on thanksgiving it will help.
Oh yea i'm soooo happy my sister is going to be starting a new sport. That gives me more time to blog. Which will keep me from eating. yay! Man, i'm in a good mood.
So how have you all been doing??? I would hope well.
I'll probably blog more later when the pizza gets here :/ so more later. Something more interesting then too.
Ana luv to you!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Riki, do the dishes!
Riki, walk the dog!
Riki, do this!
Riki do that!
DO IT YOURSELF! gah! i've been forcefed and weak the past two days. Off the hook for tommorrow so i going to (hopefully) fast then. I have a dance on Saturday so i want to lose 4lbs by then. I plan on fasting til the dance and during it. My current wieght is 111 or 112 or a dreaded 113.
Apparently my bro controls my sis so my sis contols me and i control nothing. How the hell did that happen? grrr!
I can only control one thing. My eating.
Ha, i just lied to my friend. I know i shouldn't like that but i do.
"Want to get Food at the mall while dress shopping?"
"YES!!! sounds good. Yummy!"
Haahaha yea right.
Let me be skinny. Let me have control!!!!!!!!!
Hopefully i'll have more time to write soon. I hate writting while people are home. Luckily my sis went for a jog. So more later...
Oh yea you guys were commenting about the shower buring the cals. I know it proabably wouldn't burn that much.
On no she's home
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Someone asked if i know any good thinspo websites. This one is great, all thinspo all the time.
I think i might fast soon
Ekk people coming see ya later!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Ok so i know it's been a couple days. I had my little breakdown... But now i want Ana's warm embrace to hold me. I want to look at that left over pizza and laugh thinking Really? That many carbs, calories for THAT?
I have found a couple songs that aren't really pro-Ana but they work in a couple verses and i feel the tune of the song is quite pro-Ana
Stop and Stare-OneRepublic
Over and Over- Three Days Grace
Till I Collapse - Eminem
This is the first verse of "Till i Collapse"
"sometimes you just feel tired.You feel weak. And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you, and get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse."
I find it's very thinspriational when your about to binge.
Ok, i've been avoiding it but here is where Ana addresses my Binges
You've been very bad Ana lately. You have been listening to Norma too much lately. You've not been counting. How do i know this? Well, my dear Ana knows all.
When you get onto the lunch line during lunch i see you look around. Seeing if anyone notices you failing. They do my dear they do. Then you pay and sit down at your table. I notice how you don't look up at anyone. You think i can't see them, they can't see me eating. Honey they notice what a fat pig you are. You don't look up because you'll see me. Staring, Watching, Crying as all of my hard work dies because of your grease filled french fries, and your lard fried cheese sticks.
What did you have for breakfast today?
WTF? Riki, you are very disappointing.
Want to know what your readers are doing when they read that.
What Ana EATS PIZZA!?!?!?
Get your last party in today you fat lazy pig. This is your last sick day. Tommorrow you eat A HEATHLY breakfast of celery, skip lunch and eat dinner with the family.
I must say i was proud of you one day. Your mother gave you your plate so you took two slices of meat and then no potatoes, and and some veggies.
You barley ate any of it.
Congrats you don't completely suck after all.
Get back on track you lazy fat ass.
Your weigh in today of 112. Is very disappointing.
I'm watching you remember.
I'll post more later maybe.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I NEED SOME INSPRIATION!
bleh i don't know what happened. Every time i look in the mirror i hate what i see. But it's like i have two sides that fight all the time to see who will control me.
There is the Ana side. Pure, gentle, Perfect. She has here claws out and is trying to help me. That hunger pain means perfection is on it's way. i love being hungry, Ana does too. But the other side doesn't....
The other side is my "normal" side. The one that craves the cookies, cakes and other crap that poisons my body with fat and calories. This one talks to me in a sugary light tone begging me to have 'just one' cookie, etc... It's never just one though. "Riki, come one. You loved pizza. It's your favorite. I promise it will not make you fat. Would i lie to you?" yes, yes you would. And you always do. This one drowns out Ana's pleas and screams while i shove food into myself.
I don't even want to be normal. I don't want to be fat! I WANT CONTROL. and now i don't have anything. I'm obviously not normal, Of course i'm fat from listening to my fucking normal side, and i have no control in what i do. Ana weeps. The normal side moans. I am numb.
I don't even want the food. Being sick makes me not hungry at all. But yet i still do. My mother is a hawk when i'm sick. I'm weak. I'm fat. Yet everyone says i'm 'thin' I don't know who they see but they obviously are lying. My face is puffy and gross from being sick. I look horrible.
There is a war going on inside of me.
Ana vs Normality
They want the control.
I need control
I know if i fast i'll fail.
I suck at restricting.
I'm a fatty fatty fat blob
I want Ana to win.
Yet the food i crave is begging for Norma to win.
I don't know how to make it end.
I know you all are probably better at this than me. Tell me how to make the madness stop. How to regain control. I want to walk on snow and leave no foot prints. Yet i want that cookie. I've come to far to take orders from a cookie. Yet I still do.
I WANT ANA BACK.
PLEASE ANA COME BACK TO ME!
MAKE HER REALIZE YOU ARE BETTER AND STRONGER!
Thanks for reading my rant. Please comment.
Now back to the blog.
Someone asked if i had a goal weight.
I do. It's in the stats bar underneath the thinspo banner thing.
If you can't find it i'm currently this.
Thanks for reading
Ana luv to you.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Oh yea, officially sick. Hopefully better by tomorrow. I get this pain in my stomach so then i have to eat. Luckily green tea numbs it.
I'm going to try to skip dinner tonight. Maybe not though, it all depends on how i feel, maybe some soup?
My ever encouraging bro called me a lazy fat ass again. He's so kind. (sarcasm) But then it's the kick in the ass i need to skip that meal. So thank you big bro, the day i waste away I'll be sure to thank you. :)
Eating today was.... a little bit worse than ok. Could have been worse. Luckily, Ana's sweet whisper has been in my head all day.
Oh yea! i almost forgot. I was looking at the free on demand service for IO TV and they have a cardio routine and all of these other work-outs. Yay!
I might not be able to post tomorrow, maybe early morning...
So that's all for now.
I binged yesterday, ugh. I went walking with my friend and i was doing good, then we stopped at another friends house. Their house is food central. Every goodie you could imagine. I ate a lot. ugh. When i got home i checked for blog updates and someone was saying how if you take a cold shower it will burn over 400 cals. because of all of the shivering. I decided that since i ate so much, i should try it. So i got into the shower ice cold. Brrr. I was dying! i had to put on some sort of hot water into it. I put it as cold as i could stand it. But i think it worked because even with the binge I'm down half of a pound bringing my weight to a sad, but could be worse 107.5
So my Fresh start diet was a failure. Oh well. I can't do those kinds of things. I hate knowing i can only eat 700 cals, etc. I like deciding that day and seeing how little i can get away with. In my mind it's like "Oh you can eat 800 calories? You've only had 200...FOOD TIME!" ugh.
My mom decided to be nice and bought my FAVORITE chips. Tortilla chips. So bad yet soooooooooo good! they are just waiting for me...ugh. I'll see how long i can last. Hopefully everyone eats them before i get a chance.
Oh more bro news. Yesterday he stepped on the scale and was like "YES! i went up 2lbs!" bringing his weight to a muscular 166. Then he was like "Oh Riki, that's how much you weigh right?" being a total dick. i was like "No, i weight 115" LIE. That's 5lbs below my ideal weight limit. If only he knew i was 107.5 I wonder what he'll say then. So then he's like "Sure you do. *cough*166*cough*" Ugh.
I think one of the reasons i got an ED was because of my family. It was always my bro was the smart one, my sis was the pretty athletic one. I was always just known as the skinny one. Then my sister became skinnier over the years...And i lost my title. Then i was just Riki. But I'm getting my title back. No matter what.
Ugh, i feel so horrible writing. I feel like I'm going to throw up.... I'm totally getting sick. FML
Let me be better, NO DOCTOR PLEASE!
Winter chills coming down.
All my calories a frown.
For my shivering is making them die.
So that one day i may fly.
hehe I hoped you liked my crappy poem i just came up with.
Going to have some tea.
Ana luv to all off you!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Constantly keep you arms and hands moving. If your like me and in school most of the day, twitch your foot. tap your fingers, twirl your hair, sooner or later you're going to burn something.
Then at night if you have a fan in your room have it blow on you all night. Crack open your window a tiny bit. Let yourself freeze. If your going to be sleeping might as well as burn something. Also for those who self harm, i was thinking maybe this would be a better form? I'm not really sure since i don't self harm but maybe... Because it's kinda could be a punishment if you make it one. Like if you complete your goals for the day you get a blanket, if you fail you get a tiny tee and and short shorts. Especially winter air. You will be shivering in no time. To bed i wear the lightest Cami I own and The shortest shorts. It keeps me freezing all night and when i wake up and look in the mirror i see my fat self so it also works as a reason to get skinner.
Now for comments....
Sophia was saying how 109 was her goal weight. Well, I'm 5'4'' But the way the fat sits on my is weird. I kinda rectangular is how i think of it. Like i have huge thighs, and if i eat my stomach looks like someone shoved a bowling ball into it. eww.
Then xokinsey i want to say happy late birthday! And then you ask me if i purge. I do sometimes. If i have a binge and no ones home. I hate purging with my family in the house. But then i have done it before with them home. Only once. Mainly it was just to get rid of the full feeling. Personally, throwing up is not very glamorous. One of the many reasons I'm Ana not Mia. Also it's much worse for your health than starving. But if i feel i have to i do. But i try not to. Make sure if you do don't brush your teeth right away. Rinse with water, then wait 10 min to brush. If you brush right away the stomach acid will ruin your teeth faster. Also, I feel Ana gives me more control than purging. I haven't actually purged in a while. In my mind it's kinda of cheating. Like your fixing your mistake of binging. Usually when i binge, I'm so mad i think "You deserve to be fat for eating all that! Now your father from your goal, DEAL WITH IT. I hope you have fun ruining all of your hard work for those cookies and sweets. Now Riki, was it worth it?" Nope it never is, yet i still do it.
As for your next question you were asking about my laxies. The post were i originally first took them was my first time ever. It showed me how deep i was really in with Ana. I wouldn't really recommend using them all of the time, the make you bloat up and could have side effects. But if you decide to take the laxie path. READ THE BOX. In my rage that day i stupidly bought over night. It wasn't how i thought it was going to be. People are generally always home at my house so if i was constantly running to the bathroom, I'd think they would worry. hehe. If only they knew. So in my opinion i wouldn't really recommend it. It's not good for you and usually doesn't do much. it just gets rid of the food inside of you. Most of the time you get calories anyway from the food before the laxies can clean out out.
That's it for comments. To everyone who does comment I LOVE YOU! To my readers I LOVE YOU TOO!
Now i have one more thing. Yesterday after my binge my bro came up to my while i was doing dishes, poked my stomach and said "Some body's getting a pouch, fatty." and walked away. I almost cried. Then i went on my computer and looked at thinspo, i was on the verge of tears. Those girls were all so beautiful. I'm so fat and ugly compared to them. It made me want to lose so much weight. It will show my brother. The day i waste into nothingness I'll ask "Who has a pouch now?" hehe.
So that's all for now. Keep reading and commenting!
Ana luv to all of you!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Today, i start my "fresh start plan" It is under 800 and I'm determined like hell to complete every goal for you guys. In the comments Thin is Perfection said she is lacking motivation. Well, that's where i was. You just lost the will power to continue. Well, try what i tried. Let yourself binge. And everyday get onto the scale and see the numbers rise. It's so disappointing. Like my Current weight of today 109. Bleh. Look at your body in the mirror. Notice the new 'curves' coming in. Go online and look for Thin models and Fat-asses. Decide which one you want. Every time you eat, let that beautiful Ana voice in your head take over. I hope my tips help.
If you guys want to send an email to me, I'm at Riki.Ana44@gmail.com. Send what ever you want tips, diet plans, thinspo, or just comments you didn't want to post here.
That's all for now my beauties.
Ana luv to all of you!
P.S. i saw a girl in school yesterday. She is living thinspiration. Her arms are TOOTHPICKS. Her entire body is sooo skinny. Her legs have like a 2 inch gap in between them! Finally. Everyone in my school is so fat with thunder thighs. Now at least when i walk in the halls, i can see some major thinspiration throughout the day. And i know one day, she'll envy me...
Monday, November 2, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
WHAT IS NORMAL?!?
normal for other people is eating "healthy meals" throughout the day.
Normal for me is Avoiding food all day.
Normal people are enjoying food.
Normal for me is hating food.
Normal people eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full.
Normal for me is always being hungry and hating being full.
So what is normal for other people is NOT normal for me.
Why would i want to be their "normal"
My normal gives me results.
My normal makes me happy.
My normal gives me control.
So why did i give it up?
The first day of my fast i came home. I wrote an update. Then i don't know what but Ana took a break. Bad Idea. I thought " why do this? Let me be normal!" So i ate. and ate. and you quessed it ate. I ballooned. I thought "Normal is good. Normal is good. NORMAL FOR OTHERS SUCKS! ugh. Who the fuck wants to be a fatty!?!?! Apparently i did. Not anymore. Today is Halloween. Thank god. I will look like a fat pig in my dress. I know i look fat from a couple days of "normal eating" Yesterday i was wearing an orange sweat shirt and i got called a fat pumpkin. She said she was joking, but you know that's what she really thinks. I'm up a couple pounds. My ribs are back in hiding. My pelvic bones are going from mountains, to tiny hills slowing sinking back in. My belly looks like someone shoved a bowling ball in it. I look gross.
You know what's weird. Even during "normal eating" I still wore my pro Ana bracelet. I always wear it everyday now it's just a habit. Like my ED. Every time i shoved food into my undeserving body i looked it it. I said horrible things i did the calorie content. Then i would say. "Be normal" well I'm sick of other people's normal. I'm ready for MY normal. I'm back, and i will make Ana and all of you guys proud.
So enjoy you Halloween. Be strong and avoid those fattening sweets. As for me I'll have my cup of green tea. I hope you all look amazing in your costumes and outfits. So good luck and you'll be hearing from me.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
100- arm toners
100- leg lifts
Let's hope i burn some major calories.
I hate being home during a fast so much temptation. I know it's bad when i start reasoning in why i deserve those chips. But then i snap out of it and Ana reminds me of our goal. 95 lbs here i come. Well, right now i just want 102. But someday i will be 95. If you start reasoning with yourself like i do try my trick. I will sit down, and kinda bend over little and look at your stomach. it will make you look bloated and give the illusion of rolls. It puts me in check of what would i rather become, the skinny girl standing up, or the fat girl sitting down.....
That's all for now my skinny bitches.
Stay Strong and Think Thin
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tomorrow i start my 3 day fast. Thank god. Hopefully i will not look like a pig in my dress. I'm thinking I'm going to try a 4 day fast. It would be my first. I've never gone past 3 days, but i really want to do a 4 day fast right before Thanksgiving so i don't lose it at the table.
For my next restricting after my fast I'm going to make sure i get a lot of fruit and veggies instead of the fatty crap i have in my house.
Oh yea i have a doctor's appointment in 10 minutes! I hope all the crap in my stomach gives me a few lbs to hide behind. OMG i can finally see the ribs in between my boobs! I noticed yesterday it is amazing. I'm so happy. i can finally see some results!
To Everyone reading...
Stay Strong and Think Thin
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Anyway. I want to say sorry, for not sticking to my diet. To make up for it tomorrow is a under 100 day, then i start fasting. Thank god. After a binge i cannot wait for my next fast. I know it's supposed to be under 200 but i don't deserve that many calories after today. I'm so weak.
Stay Strong unlike me
Monday, October 26, 2009
So Here is the basics.
Since I'm walking around all day i can avoid temptation. Also it's a great workout ;)
If you want to join go ahead. Since it's Monday and if you already ate just make the fast day tommorrow and the under 200 today.
My Fast today has been going great. My mom is literally trying to set me up to fail. This morning guess what Breakfast was!?! Chocolate Chip COOKIES and CINNAMON BUNS! Wtf! But i avoided it. I drank my water had a little of coke zero, ate my vitamins and went off to school. I had a stick of gum for lunch, and after school i had a diet Snapple. Now I'm going to walk to the store and get a green tea, then walk around town.
I'm don't want the empty feeling to end. But to stick to my plan i have two eating days then a three day fast. Hopefully I'm at my first goal of 102 buy Saturday or Sunday. I'm off to get my Tea now so Bye My Skinny Minnie's!
Stay Strong and Think Thin
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Today is a sad day. My mom being the flippy floper kind of person she is is taking me to the doctor tommorrow. I was eating normaly today but now i feel gross and bloated. So i'm skipping dinner. I'm going for a walk soon. So that takes up 4 hrs of my day. Hopefully i can walk untill i miss dinner. Oops. ;)
Sorry for the short post. I'm going to be putting up a new diet thingy later today. It's called Bones for Halloween. It's so then i'm a skinny minnie for halloween, and in my dress my ribs will finally make thier apperance. So more on that later.
Think Thin, and Stay Strong.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Anyway. Since it is raining here i cannot go and get my Ana stuff. (Coke zeroes, vitamins, etc...) ugh i just want to walk around town forever. Let myself shrink down in my size 5 jeans till i am just a stick figure that you can't see when i turn sideways. If only. Today would have been fantastic if my mom didn't ruin my 3 day fast on Friday. From Weds- Fri i didn't eat a single bite. Food Free! I was one pound away from my first goal weight if 102. Then my mom said that dreaded word doctor. I dropped 15 lbs since my last visit. She would notice for sure. I literally grabbed any food in site all day. My stomach and brain pleaded for me to stop. But i couldn't. I really wanted to too. Then by the end of the day i was at 111. Safe zone hopefully. The i got a call. My mom cancelled the appointment. She said i didn't need to go after all. Since my mom hates doctors i never go unless I'm dying or something. FML. I gained 8 lbs FOR NOTHING. Now here in my house a day later. Laxes still cleaning me out, but the calories stuck in me because i bought the wrong kind in my rush. Stupid overnight brand. ugh. Now I'm stuck in my house all alone doing crunches and walking around the table hoping to burn something.
To everyone out there
Starve on, and Think thin.
Fellow Pro Ana's you know what I'm talking about. The girl that can float across streets. The Girl that can say 'No thank you' to food offered.
The girl i want to be.
And i will become her.
Even if it kills me.