You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

PMSing, oh joy


Apparently my period has decided to turn me into the biggest bitch of all time. Normally I'm not moody i just angrier easier, but so far this one has made me the posterchild of PMS.

Like yesterday i woke up to find i bled through my pad, through my underwear and through my very thick sweatpants on to my bed. WHAT THE FUCK? so i got up and went to the bathroom and changed i dropped something, i can't remember what, but i lifted my head and smacked at on our wooden door for towels thingy. It hurt like a bitch, then i got angry and my mom was saying something to me and i freaked on her. She then said something back and i started crying. Like what the hell?

Thank god i haven't been in school, or else everyone would think i was crazy.

~*~
I want to thank lov2laff for her sweet comment. it's nice to know people understand what I'm trying to get across.

OH AND HOLY SHIT.
I HAVE 130 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's amazing! You can't even guess how happy that makes me. :)
Well, i just heard my sister get up so i got to go my beauties.
Love,
~Riki Ana
Sorry for this short shitty post, I'll make up for it next time. :)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

New day :)

I feel, i don't know, Happy. Shocker. Maybe it's the holidays or that it's the weekend but I'm fucking happy. Or it could be NikkiThin's comment "pot hits the spot eh? :)" That made me giggle.

Good times.

I feel like now at this point in my life i would try anything. Which isn't that smart i guess, but you only live once right? I have a tumblr, For the other side of me that people see everyday, and it's all about living life to the fullest and all that stuff.

Like now, i want to drink, smoke pot and have fun.

But there are friends of mine i never would tell this stuff to. I only do certain things with certain friends. Call me two-face, but it's how it is. I have a friend, never will do anything bad in her life, i am laid back, and "normal" with. She will never know about my smoking and drinking. She looks down on these things.

Then there are my friends I'm very close with, who also want to do these things, but lately it seems like i am the only one. That means, I'll have to find another person.... hmm, this is getting complicated :/
I know i have one friend Sa, who will always have fun with me. :) She hasn't tried pot yet though but we always talk about it. Next time brother updates his stash, lil' sis is going to play. :D
Oh yea, then i have another group of friend's I'm halfway me with. They also will never find out about the drinking/smoking. Except for D, i think I'll convince him one day to try it. I totally believe i could if i really tried.

Then there is the step-sister. I'm full out with her. That's when I'm drinking, and next time i see her I'm going to tell her about the weed. Except the story might get changed. i didn't do it alone in my house, i did it with friends, and friends of friends. Then one day maybe if i can convince her to smoke together. :)
I may sound stupid, and a two-face, or schizo but sometimes it's better to hide you are with certain people, and you know that too.
For all i know, i have no idea who i am or what i want. But that's the point of teenage years i guess, to make mistakes, discover yourself, and have fun.
I plan on having fun and one day maybe I'll combine all of my sides, i feel like it wouldn't work out well...... hmmm
~*~
In Ana news, today will be my first official day back. :) yay. I bought lemon green tea it's amazing!!!!!!!!!
I'll probably try to stay between 1000-1200 just a tweak to ease myself back in.










I leave you with some pics from my tumblr, and the message just to fucking LIVE, you only get to do this once so you might as well have fun and be thin while your doing it.

Live in the moment,
Enjoy yourself.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Friday, December 17, 2010

Off in wonderland...

Well, news again. I have tried weed for the second time in my life. This time something actually happened. Let's review, the first time i tried it was over the summer with my best friend, the one that was supposed to move away but didn't luckily, nothing happened afterwards. Maybe it was because i took a leaf from my bro's pot plant grinded and smoked it. hahaha. This time i found my bro's stash of a colorful glass mini-bong filled with some pot. My sister and i were supposed to have a bonding day but she ditched me for her friends.

I was pissed and i saw my brother hiding something there once so i went and looked. And lucky me i found it. Trying to find my brothers stash is kinda a hobby of mine. So i lit a really long match and lit the pot, which was mostly ash, and took a insane breath in and swallowed the breath. I didn't cough, i did that a couple more times, maybe 2 or 3, then i took one more really deep breath and i felt it go down my throat burning on it's way down. I knew it was inhaled that time. SO i went upstairs and put on pink floyd for effect haha, then i got that feeling when your starting to get tipsy when drinking. That effect lasted for about 25 minutes. I don't know if it was from the weed, or the major adreline rush i was experincing. But i do know one thing, that bong and i are going to get aquated quite a bit more often. Sorry bro, little sis wants to have some fun too.

Oh his birthday was yesterday too. I was going to write him a poem but it ended up being mean, but here it is for you.

Happy birthday bro!
21 yrs old, wow what a milestone.
Well, not really, mainly now you can do what you did,
but without getting aressted.
How's being an adult big bro?
I guess i wouldn't know,
You always telling me to be more mature,
More like you.
But oh, big bro
Wouldn't you like to know,
That i'm already in your foot steps!
The stuff you did senior year i'm doing now!
Does that make you happy?
Oh big bro, Wouldn't you wish to know?
Aren't you proud?
I'm like you!
Only i'm doing it better,
Or rather,
I'm doing it younger.
Happy Birthday
Love, you lil' sis!

This is my second try the first one got scribbled out because i wrote it during class.

Oh, and i need to start again :( i've once again strayed from the path. Damn. It just so fucking hard. I never remeber it being like this! What the hell has changed?

Well, that's all i have for now. I'll update again tomorrow hopefully. :)

Love,
~Riki Ana

Monday, December 6, 2010

Time for a new me?

Someone in the comments asked if they wanted to get on track together, my answer is HELL YES!

Tomorrow i have decided to do my first fast back in the swing of things. :)
It's going to suck, it's going to be hard.
But it's going to be worth it.

So anyone who wants to

FAST TOMORROW.
Starts tonight at Midnight
and for the heck of it
30hrs.

It ends Wednesday at 6:00 AM.

Stay Strong
~*~
I wanted to address a comment written by BattleinMind:
Anorexia Is Not Disese. Anorexia is Not A Game. It Is a Skill Perfected Only By Few. The Pure, The Choosen, And The Flawless."This quote is sickening and so so offensive.

I'm not going to bash you. I'm not going to disagree with you. I'm not going to fight.

I'm going to explain.
I apologize if you find this quote offensive. Personally i don't. You could tell this to the person I got it from. Would you happen to know Ana Regzig? From dyingtobethin// http://www.anaregzig.blogspot.com/

The tab of the page you read it in, says quotes, does it not? Did i say politically correct quotes, or perhaps nice pro-ana quotes? No i did not. I said quotes. They are quotes I've happened to stumble upon in my blogging. If it really bothers you that much, just ask and I'd remove it.

It's not that big of a deal. And i know ur going to say something in the comments about it being a big deal.

It's just a quote. Ask and I'll take it down.

That goes for anything on my blog. Just ask and if i deem it to be even slightly offensive I'll take it down.

Just wanted to get that out of the way.
~*~

Oh and if i make it past my fast tomorrow, which i pray to god i do, i will try to continue the fast until Friday so i could try my first salt water flush.

I'll put all the information on that tomorrow.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. I'm getting a camera for christmas so i could finally show u me and my upcoming process.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Be a voice, not an echo.

What's up my loves!?!

So yesterday I went out to dinner with my best friend and her older sister, BEST TIME EVER. I did end up eating a lot of food, but I'm not going to bash my head in over it. We were messing with these two waiters all night, it was funny. The restaurant we went to gives you crayons to draw on the paper which covers the table and we wrote "WE LOVE DAVID AND JON!

Then we showed it to them. They were creeped out a little i think. hahahaha. Then we wrote them letters and put the tip in them to made sure they will read it. hahaha.

Good times.

Today my family is going to get our Christmas tree! We always eat at this one dinner every year, so i think that will be my only meal today. :)

By the way, isn't that article crazy from last post? Just another reason thinner is always the winner. ;)

So i must be off, sorry for the lame short post. More tomorrow, now that my computer is fixed :D

I'm so fucking happy to be back.



Stay Strong
Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Just an interesting ariticle I thought you'd all enjoy

News
Large Study: Just a Little Bit of Extra Weight May Shorten Life
By AP Dec 2nd 2010 2:39PM
Categories: News, Bmi Waist to Hip Ratio, Food Evaluator, Personalized Calorie Count

Lugging around a few extra pounds? One of the largest studies to look at health and weight finds that you don't have to be obese to raise your risk of premature death. Merely being overweight carries some risk, too.Obesity increases the risk of death from heart disease, stroke and certain cancers.
But whether being merely overweight contributes to an early death as well has been uncertain and controversial. Some research has suggested being a little pudgy has little effect or can even be a good thing.The latest research involving about 1.5 million people concluded that healthy white adults who were overweight were 13 percent more likely to die during the time they were followed in the study than those whose weight is in an ideal range."Having a little extra meat on your bones -- if that meat happens to be fat -- is harmful, not beneficial," said Dr. Michael Thun of the American Cancer Society, senior author of the study.

The study's conclusions, published in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine, are similar to three other large studies, said the lead author, Amy Berrington of the National Cancer Institute."Now there's really a very large body of evidence which supports the finding that being overweight is associated with a small increased risk of death," Berrington said.For their government-funded analysis, the researchers pooled 19 long-term studies of mostly white adults.

They used each person's body mass index -- a measure of height and weight -- and checked to see who died during the follow-up periods, which ranged from five to 28 years.They focused on people who were healthy at the beginning of the studies, excluding smokers and those with heart disease or cancer because those affect death rates and researchers wanted to see the impact of weight alone.

The lowest death rate for healthy women who had never smoked was in the high end of the ideal body mass index range -- between 22.5 and 24.9. Compared with that group, those who were overweight had an increased risk of death of 13 percent. The increased risk ranged from 44 to 88 percent for those who were obese. The morbidly obese were 2 1/2 times more likely to die prematurely. The results for men were similar.

Most of the participants in the studies were white so the research focused on them. Results may be different in other ethnic and racial groups, Berrington said. She said evidence suggests that for the same BMI level, African-Americans might have a lower risk of death and Asians a higher risk.Two-thirds of U.S. adults are either overweight or obese. Overweight begins at a BMI measurement of 25, obese at 30 and morbidly obese at 40. A 5-foot-6 person is considered overweight at 155 pounds, obese at 186 pounds and morbidly obese at 248 pounds.

Because of its size and the diversity of studies included, the research "provides strong evidence against the position that it's a good thing for health to be overweight," Thun said.The notion that a "bit of reserves" would help keep you from getting sick probably stems from the days when food was scarce, he said.

The latest research was launched after a controversial 2005 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that concluded being overweight didn't raise the risk of death; that report included smokers and those with pre-existing illnesses.University of South Carolina obesity researcher Steven Blair said the results were consistent with other studies and the "massive effort" was commendable.

But he said there wasn't enough information available about fitness level or physical activity. A proponent of the "fit and fat" theory, Blair said his research has shown that obese people who are tested and deemed fit did not face increased risks of dying."If we want to get to the bottom of the health hazards of overweight and obesity, we have to have better data on physical activity," Blair said. "Until we do that, there's uncertainty of how important BMI is as an important predictor of mortality."

Copyright 2010 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Where has time gone?

Last post: October 5th.

What the hell happened? So much has happened to me and you guys haven't been informed.

Ok so let's see, i got drunk for the first time ever on Saturday. Holy crap, i know. A couple hours of my life gone. *poof*
It wasn't as awesome as everyone makes it out to be.
My friend who wasn't there asked me how it was. I couldn't explain. I feel like part of me, my innocence?, has gone. I know I'm still much more innocent in some ways. But part of my rose-colored glasses have been broken. That fact makes me sad. It makes me realize childhood is pretty damn awesome.

Food wise, I've been pretty normal. Wait, not even pretty. I've been perfectly normal.

Which isn't so perfect.

122.5
The highest I've ever been.

I have slight muffin top; not enough to be gross for other people to look at but large enough for me to notice. I can tell my trust-worthy metabolism is slowly beginning to fail me.


I don't know where me and Ana stand at this point. I don't hear the viscous whisper of whether or not i should eat any more. Every once in a while she speak at lunch, and everyone once in a while I'll listen. But we all are aware of what I did when i got home. *mouth drooling at the thought*

Should I make a full comeback?

I want too, I really do.
But I'm worried about my, i can't think of the word, motivation? No that's not it.
My ability to starve.

Can i handle having Ana return to me? I faintly remember my prime of Ana. *sigh*

I planned on slimming down today. So yesterday after dinner, penne and vodka sauce, i got a packet of breakfast essentials, a drink mix full of vitamins and healthy shit, drank that mixed into a full glass of whole milk and took a multi-vitamin.

So i would be all healthed up my descent.

Can i, the pudgy normal eater, become skinny once more?

Hmmm, we shall see.

Love,
~Riki Ana
P.s. I've missed you all so much!!!!!!!

Oh and i hope Thanksgiving to all you who celebrate it didn't get you down too much.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

As i was walking through a life one morning...

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it.

Thanks Ted Leo and Pharmacists, if only it's that easy.

I guess it is. But you have to have the right mind set. I remember the time of beginning of freshman year, i fasted for 3 days, you could say it was easy as pie, but now instead of fighting that pie I'm eating it.

Little side note here, what is so easy about pie? My friend baked one and it look hard to do. Stupid lying food quotes.

I've been so tired lately. I wake up in the morning tired go to school tired, then i shake up things around 4 period and get hungry then after a easy period of standing around in gym after eating lunch of course, i go to chemistry.... you guessed it tired.

What the fuck. I was never this tired even when my days were 500 calories.

I think about Ana a lot. I wonder if i could do my fasts again, drop some pounds, enjoy some beautiful bones.

Maybe, she'd take me back. Even though I'm currently tainted with fatty foods and disgusting amounts of soda, and not the zero calorie kind.

But we can work through that... I hope.

Maybe tomorrow I'll cleanse my system with a fast? I wonder if i could do that? I think i can.

Starting tonight at midnight, i will not eat a morsel of food. This will end tomorrow night at midnight. But i probably will not consume food until breakfast the next morning.

Quoting good ol' teddy
Fighting for the smallest goal-to gain a little self control.

It's time for my fight to begin once more.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sad Goodbyes

And no, this is not my good bye.

My best friend in the world is moving half an hour away from me. I found out last night at one of the biggest football games in the season. I started crying but i hate people seeing me cry so i walked to the bathroom and no one said a word. I passed by at least 100 people and it depresses me that no one said anything. People made eye contact until i broke it with my almost running stride. Then i was in the bathroom crying and dabbing my eyes with a tissue, when a little girl and her mother walked in. The mother saw me and continued on what she was doing, her little girl looked at me sad, and kept looking until i finally calmed downed and left. I stayed focused on the game to keep calm.

Today, Tomorrow and in school Monday are my last days with her.

Last night i cried and prayed in my bed for at least in hour saying "don't take her from me! She's my best friend, I love her! Let her stay her, Let her stay her!"

When i woke up this morning my eyes are puffy and it looks like i'm a monster of some sort.

Too depressed to keep typing.

I hope you girls are better?? Comment :)

Love,
~Riki Ana

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Lovely Returns and Computer Fuck Ups

Oh my god girls, I've missed you soooo much! Holy crap. All I've thought about is getting back to this blog!

My computer is sooooo f-ed up! It takes soooo long to load and ughhh, but luckily it's giving m a break so i can type this :)

I'm ready to restart my weight loss. I'm not exactly sure of my current weight. 115-117 is what i believe it to be in. But today...started off badly **cough-fries-cough** but later I'm going for a hike with my dog so liquids till then, after that I'm walking around town with my friend :) maybe some 10cal sugar free red bulls if my day goes as planned.
~*~

Yesterday i went into the city with my family. It was so much fun! I got a new purse, it's a blue Coach bag, we got it from this Chinese lady in china town. It was only 35 bucks and it looks really real. hahaha.

I have to go get ready for church, so this is my goodbye till later! (btw I'm in a good mood since i finally got to update-if you couldn't tell) <3

Stay Strong,
Starve on,
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. -Pour l'ensemble de mes beautés, je veux dire que je suis de retour. Je vous aime tous. Je ne vais pas vous échouez à nouveau. Je veux avoir le contrôle, le corps parfait, et l'âme parfaite.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Time for change

Current Weight- 116

My body is literally like "Ok, i get it. You can stop eating now. Really, it's not that big of a deal. Come on!"

My mind is like "Must eat more. Cannot fuck up belly. Stop eating, but i can't!"

Gah it is annoying.

Anywho, i changed my profile pic :) The pic i used is from the thinspo from like 3 posts ago.

I am in love with Red Bulls. They are sooooo tasty. Ahh, i have nothing to talk about! Sorry, my life is pretty boring at this point.

I guess i'll tell you about my trip.

We went to this place where my grandma's timeshare is. It's like this giant beach condo like place. There are like 10 buildings with three floors in each. And in each building are like 30 rooms are something.

I was with my dad, his girlfriend, her daughter, me, my bro, and my sister, oh and my bro's best friend.

There was NOTHING to do there. Yes the beach was literally less than a minute from our house. And a pool on the other side of the building. But when your just there with no one to talk to, it gets boring.

So on the first night we we're there my sister wanted to star watch. I didn't want to be in our room so i said sure. The gf's daughter came with us.

So we parked our buts in a nice spot and we're talking when a hot dude walked passed us. The daughter, let's call her Z, said "i like your shirt." he then said "i ain't got a shirt on!" btw- we where in the south so everyone is southern....i have always had a slight southern accent even though I've lived in Jersey all my life.

Long story short, his hot friend came over and we all talked until 1 am. :D But then we had to get out of there cuz the southern charm turned into creppy dudes hahaha. Go figure.

But still it was the best vacation i've had so far. :)

I guess that's i have to say for now.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'm Back!!

The day before yesterday i got back from my vacation in North Carolina. For once it was quite......entertaining. I lost 7 lbs during the 4 day trip even though i ate like a pig. I went from 120 to 113. Right now i'm at 115.

But i cannot lose any weight for the time being.

Why, might you ask? Because on said trip i got my belly button pierced. If i was any skinnier i wouldn't have been able to get it done. The guy said i was so thin and my stomach was so tight that i had barley any skin there. Also if i lose any more weight my piercing will start to move out of my body because the skin will strecth tighter.

I regret getting done. :( I just don't like it, it doesn't feel like me. I'm thinking about taking it out before it heals so i won't have any scar from it.

But my dad will be pissed because he paid for it.

Gah, i don't know what to do.

Ooh, i have picture for you!!! I have one of my piercing and a picture of me. I look like crap in both. I was on vacation! Who tries to look nice on vacation, seriously?!?!


I was sitting down so my tummy looks big.

*Picture has been removed by author*


It was windy so my hair was crazy, haha. I'll show you better pics next time. In that pic i wasn't happy because I was bored so I'll get you guys one of me smiling next time. :)

That's all for now!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Fairy tales

I wish i could go somewhere. I want a adventure. I want to live in my own place.

i want....

A lot of stuff.

I mainly want freedom. So i can make my own mistakes, my own decisions, and sink or swim.

But alas, i am only 15. i graduate in 2 years though. Then it's off to college....hopefully. Let's hope i get enough scholar ships so i could actually go.

When ever i think about money and stuff like that, i get worried so i sink back into teenage land-where you have enough freedom and safety to be happy and not worry about 'grown-up stuff'

Sometimes I'm happy being a kid. Like now-ish.

Mainly i just wish i lived in a fairy tale.

I worry wayyy to much. The biggest things on my plate now are,
-find a job
-read summer reading books for school
-get school supplies/new clothes

I know, easy. Well for a teen, there aren't. What work place wants to hire a 15yr old with no skills?

the reading....what ever. I'll do it, then i have to write an essay. :[ I'm bad at essays.

School clothes.... yea, the biggest problem is getting something then when i wear it to school i discover i look retarded.

gah, i sound stupid.....I'm going to stop talking about this now. ;)
~*~

I think I'm going to show you guys a picture of me soon. So you can put a face with the words.
Just a warning....i have man face. hahaha. Really, i do! I have my older brother's face put on mine, except i have wayyy more girly lips. And i pluck my eyebrows. but we could be twins. :D
~*~

Food wise today sucked. Damn devil tacos. In the words of a very nice commenter..... or the somewhat words, I'm kinda ad libbing a little, but they are still technically, somewhat HER WORDS!!!

Be happy that you lost 2lbs, some people can't lose that in a week. Any weight lose is a good sign.


So, i'm going to stay chill and work hard and just be happy.

Anyway,
I better be off to bed.
Sweet dreams my beautiful princesses/princes.
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. -I'm starting to look for some great male thinspo for you guys!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Never is a promise you can't afford to make.

Tomorrow my loves is going to be a liquid fast. :D I originally was going to do one today but i decided to eat and take my vitamin, so i could just do it tomorrow.


Anyone want to join??
Ahhh! I'm so excited to finally get that 'i haven't eaten all day' feeling :)


Not much to say....so i guess this will be a short post.

Here's some gorgeous thinspo to inspire all of you!


Hmmmmmm, I just had a thought. Does anyone want me to get guy thinspo too? I'm like 95% sure I have guy readers, so would anyone like dude thinspo instead of chicks for a change??
~*~




Stay Beautiful

Love, Riki Ana

Friday, August 6, 2010

10 days left

I have a big thinspo treat for you!!
Enjoy xoxoxoxox












Let's see, my starting weight before i really wanted to lose was 120 or so. Now I'm 116.5 so 3.5 lbs. NOT GOOD!
I go on vacation in 10 days! So I'm doing a countdown. Today it starts.
I'm think about how if i really want to get down to 105 by then i have to lose around 12 lbs. That's 1.2 lbs a day. Hmm, maybe a fast is in order. I wonder if I'll even be able to do it.
But i must stay strong! I hope you girls are doing good.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Put your money where your mouth is

There is no time for ease and comfort. It is time to dare and endure.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My Body. My Mind. MY ORDERS.

Good morning my gorgeous girls and my thintastic boys.

And yes i did just make up the word thintastic. (Thin + Fantastic = thintastic) :D

It's 10:48 am and i just had my first craving of the day. And it was.... Potato Chips.

Gah, but don't worry i just walked away from it and came down here. :)
~*~

Ooh, i just thought of something funny.

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Would you,
-Burn 1000 calories after you ate it?
-Not eat the next day?
-Feel fat and worthless?
-Put on a large sweatshirt to hid you now bloated stomach?
-Purge it?
-Go running?
-Eat another to suppress the guilt rising?

Or you could just put down the damn Klondike bar.

You'll never see those^ in thier commercials.

It was funny in my head but on paper... or well, typed out it sounded depressing. Oh well, it made me giggle.
~*~

I'm going to let you guys hear out some personal issues. It's not necessary to read so you could just skip down to the next ED part but continue if you want. :)

I met this guy. (Oh yes. It's a boy issue, who could have guessed?!?!) He's been in my CCD class for many years, but we never really talked. But at the carnival he asked for my number so i gave it to him.

That's when the texting begin. Saying how he liked my outfit. Why i didn't i text him with a sad face. How he's going to see a movie with his friend's but wants to text me instead.

I thought this is all quite flirty, and it means he's in to me.

Then i say his facebook. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! WHAT THE FUCK?

So after i found out i ignored him for a little. But he didn't stop texting me. "Hey, what's up? I'm bored. Cure my boredom! ANSWER, I'M BORED!"

So finally i said "If your bored why don't you hang out with your girlfriend"

Then he told me the movie thing from up above. "I'm going to see a movie with my friends but i wanna text you"

Now I'm just confused. The guy has a girlfriend! But he's outright flirting with me.

I was asking some of my pro-ana friends online about it and one for them said

"Just because there is a goalie doesn't mean you can't score. ;)"

hahahahahahah

i found that hilarious, but anyway, I'm not that kind of girl to steal some one's guy.
Should i confront him? Or just let it be?

The thought that has dominated my mind has been "what if it's all a trick?"
3 years ago the crush of my dreams, also my best guy friend, asked me out. It was for a dare. That broke my heart, made me feel like shit, and has fucked me up about guys.

As you all know I'm Bi-curious. Why curious? I'm attracted to girls but haven't had a girlfriend.
In my mind your not bi-sexual till you've kissed a girl/had a girlfriend.

But anyway.....

I don't know what to do.

I'm pretty sure I'm not even into this kid. It's prolly just the fact i just want SOMEONE to like me and make me feel special//beautiful.

*sigh*
~*~
Ok back to ED land.

This morning i weighed myself and it was 116.

.5 down, I'm happy with that.

OH YEA----- Check out this pro-ana website! http://letters-from-ana.webs.com/
It has loads of thinspo, Ana music, Ana Books, and even a safe Cookbook!

CHECK IT OUT!

that's all for now my Honey buns :)
Love,
~Riki Ana

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Return

Oh my beauties. How I've missed you.

I just weighed myself for my "back to Ana" thingy. Let me tell you it ain't pretty.

116.5, in my defense i have my period so i might be bloated. :/

I know, gross right? I go on vacation on August 16th. that means i have 20 days to get to a decent weight.

What is a decent weight? I don't really know. My goal weight seems impossible. So, I'm going to say below 105, that sounds reasonable.

My eating habits have been put back to "normal" or as I like to call it "fat habits."

It takes 21 days to make a habit and 3 days to break it.

Looks like I'm going to have to defy that and show that i can get my eating habits back in order by then.
~*~

I've missed blogging. It's such an amazing outlet for me. I remember when i first discovered this community, I said i would only read one blog. (It was Ana Regzig's btw) and now look i have my own. It's funny how you can change your mind, I'm glad i did.

I recommend everyone to have a blog, even if you don't use it often, it's nice to know It's there and that there are people waiting to listen to you.

Tomorrow I will fill you all in on my new "plan" to look decent by my vacation.

Love you girls
Sweet Dreams
Love,
~Riki Ana

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Quick post

Ok, time for me to get back on the Ana bandwagon!

NEWS!!- Turns out my doctor is stupid since when i went to the ENT Doctor he said my ear drum was fine and i have a very large/out of control swimmers ear. Also there was so much crap in my ear they put a tube in there and sucked it all out. EWW!

I went overboard in the food department today. NO MORE!

Any way here are some pics i like.










Life would be sooo much easier if i was a Fairy. *sigh*
Anwway,
Starve on my beauties.
Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Good News!!

I have amazing news! Staring today, i am officially OFF my medication!!! WHOO-HOO!

Now i can't go straight back into fasting and such. :( My sad body would go into shock. But I'm think of trying the Staircase Diet, but i feel like at the end i would just regain the weight i lost.

Day 1: 1300 calories
Day 2: 1200 calories
Day 3: 1100 calories
Day 4: 1000 calories
Day 5: 900 calories
Day 6: 800 calories
Day 7: 700 calories
Day 8: 600 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: 400 calories
Day 11: 300 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 100 calories
Day 14: 0 calories
Day 15: 100 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: 300 calories
Day 18: 350 calories
Day 19: 400 calories
Day 20: 450 calories
Day 21: 500 calories
Day 22: 550 calories
Day 23: 600 calories
Day 24: 650 calories
Day 25: 700 calories
Day 26: 750 calories
Day 27: 800 calories
Day 28: 850 calories
Day 29: 900 calories
Day 30: 950 calories
Day 31: 1000 calories
Day 32: 1050 calories
Day 33: 1100 calories
Day 34: 1150 calories
Day 35: 1200 calories
Day 36: 1250 calories

What do you guys think? Maybe I'll get rid of days 33-36?
~*~

Ooh, i also have a whole exercises plan too! In the august issue of Seventeen they have a "back to school-Best body" and it gives you a whole workout routine//plan. It's perfect. Also they give you tips and food ideas. :D

More info on this later.

But for now, alas, i have to go :(

Starve on my beauties.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Quotes!

Since I'm bored, I'm posting all of these inspirational quotes. :D ENJOY!!!!!

~*~
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

Your stomach shouldn't be a waist basket.

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.

If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

Rich, fatty foods are like destiny: they too, shape our ends.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Life itself is the proper binge.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks.

I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals.

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Starving is not a piece of cake.

If food is your best friend, it's also your worst enemy

People say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear that I think, yeah, that's the problem.

My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it

Clogged with yesterday's excess, the body drags the mind down with it.

I want my hipbones to be as sharp as my mind.

Fat is not a moral problem. It's an oral problem.

If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner.

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.

~*~

I hope you were inspired by that!

Everyone have a wonderful day and, of course,

STARVE ON!!!!!

See ya my skinny bitches!

Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Wanting

Oh how i wish this medication would just be over with.

My ear still is fucked up :( I'm going for a hearing test tomorrow. My doctor said i should regain it fully, so that's good.

On my b-day we went to the beach, my mom really wanted to and i want her to be happy, so i said sure. It was PACKED. Our parking spot wasn't too far away. Then we were standing on line for 10 minutes and i almost passed out.

My mom was freaking out, saying we should leave. HELL NO! i didn't sit in a car for 3 hours just to almost pass out and ruin every one's day. so i drank a lot of water.

I'm fine mostly.

How are you guys doing???
~*~
Ooh, and here's a thinspo treat for you all!










Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Only me.

FUCK MY LIFE!

Why might you ask, well first I've been doing great in the weight department 113. But i can good bye to that now.

Why might you ask??

Well, yesterday i was in a lot of pain. My ear was throbbing. It was BAD. I got no sleep last night because of it and now this morning i was going to go to the doctor to get it checked out. I stood up and went to go change. Suddenly my ear felt a lot better. But it felt very wet, like water was dripping out of it. I take two finger and went to wipe it off and my fingers had blood on them.

I KNOW!!!

Turns out my ear pain was actually a massive infection that created pressure and cause my ear-drum to rupture.

Really? COME ON! Tomorrow is my b-day and guess where I'm going? To the beach. Guess what? I can't get my ear wet! That also means no showers!!

ugh. Now I have a napkin taped to my ear to catch the blood that's been draining out of me since 8 am. It's now 3:54 pm.

Also i can't hear out of it. But thank god, I'll regain it once it starts to heal.

But at least when it ruptured all the pressure went away. So not a lot of pain anymore.

This may be TMI but I'm saying it anyway, the most uncomfortable part of it is that i can feel the blood dripping out my ear *shutter*

Oh yea, i have to take the mediation they put me on with food. fuck. So i guess I'm stuck holding off Ana until my ear is better :(
~*~

In other, happier, news. I'm glad to see people are starting to find this blog again after i changed it from riskyriki.

Well, that's all i got for now.
I'm going to go take a nap.
Love,
~Riki Ana
Starve on

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Fast re-do. Day 1 Morning

Good morning my loves. Here are some distraction tips from the famous Ana Regzig blog. www.anaregzig.blogspot.com


Distraction from hunger/eating:

#1 - ALWAYS have a bottle of water, tea, diet coke, SOMETHING to drink in your hand. You'll be amazed how often you take sips off it without even thinking, keeping you full and distracted.

Clean something that's filthy, like the toilet or the cat's litter box. Take the garbage out and then scrub the inside of the can before you replace the liner. The smell alone will gross you out so much you'll NEVER want to eat again.

Make a rule of keeping the kitchen absolutely SPOTLESS at all times! Absolutely no dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher, or drying on the side. Keep the towels folded neatly, the spices all lined up and facing label-side out, alphabetize them or put them in height order. Scrub the floor again.
If you make a rule of keeping it immaculate at all times, you won't be so tempted to fix something to eat thus creating more mess to clean.

Purge your stores. Take at least 10 items from your closet, 2 pairs of shoes, and 5 pieces of jewelry and donate them to a local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Then treat yourself to a new outfit - dress, shoes, jewelry, and a hat, belt, or handbag! You'll feel better for helping a good cause - and burn calories without eating at the same time.

Give yourself a manicure. Even if it's only been three days since your last one. If your nails are wet, they can't be digging inside a bag of chips!

Brush your teeth - again. You'll be less tempted to get your teeth and mouth dirty again with food.

Keep your lipstick touched up 24 hours a day. Moisturizer, liner, color, and gloss. Not only will you be constantly beautiful, but you won't be tempted to mess them up by putting food in your mouth. Sip water with a straw.

Purge your kitchen. Start by drinking two full 8-oz glasses of ice cold water, so you'll feel full and cold and won't be tempted to eat. Then get a bag or a box and clean out your cabinets and your fridge of anything that isn't high-fiber, high-protein or low-cal. Donate it to a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. On your way home, drink another liter of cold water and feel great about your good deeds!

Do spring cleaning in the fall! Start at the top of each room, clean the dust bunnies out of all the corners, off the ceiling fans, dust the tops of shelves, and work your way down until you're sweeping/mopping/vacuuming the floors. Burn calories, burn! Have a tall glass of ice-cold lemon water every hour as you go, to keep your stomach from growling.

DANCE! Why wait to get to the club? Dim the lights, or turn off the bulb-lights and light a slew of candles. Put on a disc of all your favorite dance tunes and pump up the volume! Even better - set up a full-length mirror and work on your dance moves. Which moves could look better if you were just five pounds thinner? Let these images be your own thinspiration.

Look at that journal of thinspo again. Then look in the mirror and remember how far you have to go. Skim through magazines or online articles and find at least 10 new pictures to add.

Set your alarm to go off every half-hour. Set your shoes by the front door. No matter what you're doing when the alarm goes off, drop it, put on your shoes, and walk around the block as fast as you can. When you get home, have an 8-oz glass of ice water and set the alarm for the next half-hour.

Get creative. Do you sew, knit, or crochet? Are you great at pottery or glass etching, origami, painting or sketching? Are you an excellent poetess? Get started NOW on creative, beautiful, and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. And picture how skinny you'll be by the time you give these gifts to your loved ones.

Feel like you're about to binge? Before you open the fridge, write a one-page journal entry about why you feel like eating, ask yourself if you're really hungry or just bored. Remind yourself of your goals and question if this binge is going to help you reach those goals. Don't like writing essays? Don't allow yourself to eat UNLESS you write that page!

Write out a precise schedule of everything you're going to do tomorrow to stay distracted. (ex: 10 am-walk the dog, 10:30-lift weights, 11-wash dishes by hand, 11:30-shower, Noon-redo hair and makeup, 12:30-manicure, etc...) Don't allow yourself anytime to rest or eat. Only cold water. Then STICK to it!
~*~

Well, it's only 10:26am and i'm already hungry. Ughhghghgh. Don't worry though, later i'm going out to buy a 2liter bottle of diet coke. yummmmmyyyyy! That should help squash my growling tummy!

Ooh I saw toy story 3 yesterday- ADORABLE! Totally worth the 11 years i've waited from when i was a little kid, though i think the 2nd one is better.

Oh and thanks to Liz for thing inspirational comment!! :)

Anywhoo, can't really think of anything else to write.

Maybe some thinspo later!??!?!?

Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Liquid fast Day 2- Nighttime

Failure.
Why, might you ask? One word-FAMILY.
I was doing great it was around 3:30pm no food. Then my dad came over and suddenly i had a bag of peanut M&M's in my hand. FUCK. Then more food, and more food. DAMNIT!

Fuck failure. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of fucking everything.

I will lose weight. My birthday is 1 week from Friday, and i REFUSE to be fucking 119 lbs on MY fucking day.

*taking a deep breath*

Tonight i will sleep in.

Tomorrow will go like this.
-wake up 10AM
-watch TV/blog 10-12AM
-Clean house12-1PM
-Walk around town 1-whenever

I better not fail tomorrow.

or

There WILL be hell to pay.

****DEEEEEEEPPPP BRRREEEAAATTTHHHH*******

I love you all, my beauties.
Good-night/Sweet dreams
Love,
~Riki Ana
p.s. here's some Thinspo to help you dream about beautiful goals that you CAN achieve :D

Good morning my beautiful girls

I finally figured something out. I eat more around people then when I'm by myself. I was at my friend's house yesterday, and i ate D: but anyway, whenever she was next to me i would eat, then when ever she left the room i would put it down, then when she would come back in..... it's a fucking cycle!!!

Now that i noticed i realize I've done this for a while. At lunch i would always eat IN FRONT of my friends.

WHY?

I think it's because i want them to think 'I'm naturally skinny, see i eat ALL the time, I couldn't skip days of eating!'

If this is the case for the rest of my liquid fast i might have to be MIA, and no not mia, i mean Missing In Action.
At least for the friends i always eat around. My other friend R, we just walk through 3 different towns while drinking 32oz diet cokes that we got for 54cents :) Maybe I'll give her a call....
~*~

In other news,more from Haley. "I'm sorry if i offended you in anyway .. You are right I've never experienced a eating disorder. And i never know anyone with one.. So i guess I'm just curious of why some one would want to be so skinny? That is why I'm at your blog. And I don't want you to think i hate skinny people because I wouldn't want to be fat myself I just never had the chance to feel what it was like to have a little meat on my bones."

Oh, you didn't offend me, quite the opposite. When i read your first comment it seemed more like a challenge. Like you were trying to tell me i had no right for trying to starve myself. That my way of life way wrong.

Your welcome to read my blog anytime. I see now that your just trying to understand a different kind of living that we experience. Just as long your not trying to shut me down, your welcome to read.

Personally, i hate the feeling of fat on my bones. Maybe having fat on my ass for a cushion of sucky chairs but that's about it. I smile when i feel bone.

Now you're 82 lbs...And you hate it. You just can't gain weight. Try eating things that have a high amount of fat. Nothing diet. Drink whole milk, eat cake. Sorry the only time i've ever tried to gain weight was for a doctor's appoment, and that was like my second post or something. Try drinking Ensure! It's a nutrinal liquid, high in calories, that you can buy in the food store. They give it to paitents on eating disorder units to make them gain weight. I thinking it might do the same for you.

For most "normal" people, they'll never be able to understand what goes on in our minds. I don't really care what anyone thinks of my lifestyle, and i'll contuine to do it. But that is your lifestyle, and i'm not going to stop you in getting what you want, and nobody should. I hope you get the curves you desire.

Gain weight,
~Riki Ana
~*~

Now, back to bussiness, today i declare is NO FAIL DAY for me! I know, i'm cheesy, but that's why you love me right?!? :D

If R can't hang out it looks like i'll be stuck away from everyone, if that's what it takes I'm willing to do it.

Ooh, GREAT SHOW ALERT! Losing it with Jillian. The chick from biggest loser.
Here's the website for the show http://www.nbc.com/losing-it-with-jillian/
BEST SHOW EVER! She screams at them to keep trying and lose thier weight ahhh such a good show!

YOU MUST WATCH IT. hahaha :D

Anyway,
That's all for now my chickaboos.
Starve on
And Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

Monday, June 28, 2010

Haley's comment.

"Why do you want to be 95 pounds? Im sorry for being kinda blunt and everything but being skinny isnt everything im skinny actually very skinny way to skinny i would love to be 119 pounds im 82 pounds ive tried everything to gain weight and i cant it really sucks. i understand you u want a nice looking body but you should do it in another way work out eat healthy foods but just eat. and eat right."
^for those who didn't read her comment^

Hello Haley. Your comment is like a fishing lure hung in front of my face. I know i shouldn't but oh, wouldn't it satisfy me just to take a nibble? Hmmm, I'll bite.

I've read your blog Haley. I don't understand it really. I'm going to assume you've never had a eating disorder by your post. I'm going to assume again, that you have a VERY fast metabolism and have been blessed to be thin. But then, you know what they say about when you assume.

I'm going to help you. I understand you eat a lot. Maybe that's why your stomach always hurts.
Or, you could have something wrong with your stomach. But then of course, I'm not a doctor.

Sorry to say, i don't find curves attractive. Maybe on some people, like C, but not on me.

Eat healthy? Exercise? Oh gosh! What a revelation!

Of course I've already tried that. But when I'm not getting the results i want, why shouldn't i try something else?

Why would i want to look like a toothpick you asked. Well, in my eyes toothpicks are beautiful
But i guess to each his own.

You think bones are disgusting? Oh my dear, you've come to the wrong blog. I think bones are gorgeous.

"Be glad your not 200 or 300 or 80 b/c I'm sure that's worse than 120"

Oh i jump for joy at the fact I'm not 200/300. 80lbs is a little low for me. I say no less than 90lbs. 90 would be the extreme for me. Now 95, that would be perfect.

Why would that be perfect? You wouldn't understand. I don't even. I remember when i was younger i would never gain weight. When i finally broke that 100 lbs mark you could feel how happy i was. But inside me i felt something, a twinge of regret. A seed of self-hate and self-respect waiting to grow inside of you into a enormous flower.

I got this number in my head for many reasons, not a lot of them i could actually name. Just a thought that pop ed in my head perhaps.

You've never layed in your bed after the first day of a fast. Thinking 'oh my god i haven't eaten all day. Amazing' The amount of pride i have for myself when i think that, makes me feel as though i could fly.

I hope I've answered your questions fully. If not, comment again. I also hope you understand me a little better.

I have a question for you tho. What has brought you to my blog?
I hope you answer.

Haley I'm assuming again you don't want Starve on as your goodbye so for you.....

Gain weight
~Riki Ana

~*~
To everyone doing the fast GOOD LUCK!!! I'm starving along with you. I've already had 5cals of jello.

To all my other loves,
Stay Strong//Starve on
Love,
~Riki Ana

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Ready, Set.....

Hello my loves. I have good news! Starting at mid-night tonight I'm beginning a liquid fast. Yay! Would anyone like to join? It's going from tomorrow, Monday June 28th till Midnight on Thursday July 1st so a 4 day cleansing fast.

Why do i need a cleansing fast might you ask? Well, to day i was at a bridal shower and WOW! There was a lot of food. My birthday is July 4th and i want to be as thin as possible by then.

Here are the things you can consume:
Allowed
Juice
Popsicles
jello
water
diet soda
gum
black coffee

Not Allowed
milkshakes
smoothies
fancy coffees

So good luck to anyone that wants to join me!!!
Got any questions/need advice/want someone to talk to?
Email me at Riki.Ana44@gmail.com

So as i was saying before... Ready? Set. GO!

Love ya girls!!!
~Riki Ana
**Stay Strong//Starve on!**

p.s. weight back up to 118...possibly 119 thanks to food today. D: Oh well, fast here i come! :)

Good night my sweets

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Re-do

I'm ready for a re-do of my body, of my life, and of myself.

These past couple weeks of my hiatus, was...oh how should i put it...Bad. I'm quite...unqualified to even try to wear a bathing suit right now.

I've broken a new record with my weight. And no, that's NOT good. My new high weight as of yesterday was 119. But don't worry my sweets, i restricted yesterday and brought myself back down to a still fat, 117.5

I'm also quite bloated, from our favorite....monthly curse.

I've started to put together a binder of things i want. Like the "easy tone" shoes (since I'm always walking) and this awesome dress, a fridge reorganization (looking forward for when i move out in 4 years *sigh*)

I just got the prettiest bikini yesterday! I. Need. A. Flat. Stomach. I have 10 days till July 4th. That was my goal for 95..... guess not. I have to lose 22.5 lbs to get to my goal. I'm striving for
1lb a day.

My main motivation is the belly button piercing I'm getting on August 20th. So, I'm excited for that.

Oh my loves, how i have missed you all. My mind is always here even if I'm not.
But don't you worry, because I'm back! :D

Maybe once i get my camera for my b-day I'll upload some pic of my bathing suit body....that is once I finally achieve that body.

Tomorrow I'm thinking I'm going to fast, in honor of school ending yesterday. You know what that means? It means, that I'll have more time to blog! :)

Until my fast tomorrow, fruits/veggies ONLY.

It's time for me to show my hunger who's boss.

Love,
Riki Ana

P.S.--Check out this awesome/thinspo song!!

Me and Mia- Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

As I was walking through a life one morning the sun was out,
the air was warm, but Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes
But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive might help you to survive.
We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand Tradition
And oh, what did we find?
It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Oh, we'd been unkind

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine.
But call your friends,
'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive, might help you to survive.

And even the nights, they could get better
And even the days ain't all that bad
And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom and dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes?
Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence
Fighting to survive, more dead but more alive
Cigarettes and speed for livin', and sleeping pills to feel forgiven
All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived
All the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change
Don't have any idea. They'll never see so clear.
But don't forget what it really means to hunger strike
when you don't really need to
Some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours.

And even the nights, they could get better.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Ana? Where are you?

I miss her voice. I don't hear it as often as i used too. You all know what I'm saying. That tiny hiss from inside you. Don't eat that. The voice that makes you run to the scale. You fat pig. The voice that makes you examine every inch of you skin. Look at yourself. No wonder you have no friends. They probably can't stand the sight of you. The voice that gives you hope. You're so close to your goal weight! Keep going, I know you can do it!!!

I think she's pissed at me. I've been eating way too much. Though i lost a pound. She'll come back, once she see's how strong i am. :D

~*~
Anyway, creepy rambling aside. I feel so defeated. Like i can't do anything right.

BLEH!

I'm sick of sadness. I'm sick of depression. I just want to be happy. Which i am.... Kind of. I feel like people are never truly happy. We always have that dread in the back of our mind. Those bills coming up, the baby is sick, i'm failing this class, how can i take my family on vacation, i have to get that project done, etc.

We are stressed, but that's life. In drama class someone read this monologue that made me think. It was all about how you shouldn't focus on being happy. No, you can't obtain happy. You should just try to be ok.

And you know what?

I think, i'm ok.

I'm not happy, i'm not sad. At this very moment, i feel ok. No more defeated attitude. I'm ok, i'm not exactly sure what that means, or the consequences of that feeling are, but i'm ready to see.
~*~

In OhMyGosh's blog awhile back she said something very true.
"As I mentioned a few posts back, McDonald’s has a billboard that is all red with a box of fries on it. The only thing it says is, “Box of Happiness.” Fuck you, McDonald’s, but you’re right. Your fries would have made me happy for a second but then I would have hated myself for the rest of the week. Right… a moment on the lips, forever on the hips."

When I eat, it makes me feel better. The taste and smell of food makes me forget my worries....for a moment. Then i feel bloated and fat. Also i get the joy of looking at the scale the next day which is flippen fantastic. But it has too stop. I need something else to ake me feel better... instead of food.
~*~

My friend B is depressed. I'm really upset that i can't help her. She's gone through a lot of shit in her short life so far. More than some have to experience in a lifetime. I'm scared. In 8th grade she was going to kill herself. Luckily my other friend C and I were talking to her all day trying to lift her spirits. I thank god it worked.

She told me this year that if we weren't there, she wouldn't be here today.

It breaks my heart that she's hurting. I wish there was someway to take her pain. I hate seeing people being hurt. I would rather have her pain then let her have to deal with it. My cousin always says I would give someone what they needed even if it ment giving it up myself.

She was crying all day on Friday. Going to the bathroom to cry. Not talking, and moving away when we got close.

I hate to see her sad. I wish it was at a person so at least i could hit them or something.

She's hurting herself emotionally, and maybe psychically. She said she hasn't done it since last year but who knows.

I'm so fucking hypocritical. I'm technically hurting myself by not eating, but she can't hurt herself other ways. It's always different for someone else instead of yourself.

I just want her to be happy, even if i can't be it myself. "I'm the type of girl that be so hurt but still look at you and smile. The type of girl that will brighten your day, even if i can't brighten my own."

Love,
~Riki Ana

Saturday, May 29, 2010

HELLO? Anybody here?

Ok, so may i just say Crisis averted. I ate normally this past week to avoid suspicion. But now I'm back.

I have a 3 day long weekend thanks to Memorial Day. This weekend will be my getting back in the groove of things. Today is the 29th of May. I thought I'd be around 95 lbs by now. But no. I'm at 115.5 D: it's my own fault. I take full responsibility for it too. But i'm going to stop and take on a new goal. By July 4th i WILL be 95lbs.


So far today i've had a Nutria-grain strawberry bar. That's 140 cals down the fucking drain. I'm giving myself a 500 cal limit. Includes liquids.

Ooh, new favorite thing alert. I LOVE strawberry or lemon flavored water! It tastes AMAZINtG and for 0 cals!!! :D


For lunch i think i'm going to eat some fruit, probably watermelon or something.

Then for dinner.... a salad with salsa?!?! Mmm.


I hope you guys are still reading. I hope you didn't lose my blog. :(


If your still out there,

Love you guys,

~Riki Ana

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Holy shit!!!!!!

Ok, i just got back from my sleepover. I was gone from 8:45 yesterday to 2:30 today. I come onto the computer to find this..... www.riskyriki.blogspot.com in the fucking address bar history. FUCK. I must have forgotten to delete it! My entire ana-life might have been exposed. I don't know if anyone looked at it, but know i'm scared as hell.

If someone did look at it, they'll definitely remember my web-address so as of now the new blog address is www.beautyiswhatiwant.blogspot.com

Girls, i know some of my users aren't posted of my blog updates and just check my blog through the address. So if you could spread the word of my new address that would be great.

I'm scared. I can't be found out.

Oh god. What should i do?

If someone questions me, now at least they won't have evidence and i could just deny it, i could deny it like ana denys food. Oh god!

First i get my interm report to see the crappest comments ever "in danger for failing marking period." Why do you tell me i'm doing good and then say that????? Well, FUCK YOU.

My heart is racing. There is nothing i can do except...

...

Wait.

And let's hope i have to wait for a looooonnnngggg time for anyone to find me out.

Love,
~Riki Ana
p.s. 114lbs

Friday, May 21, 2010

One word, many complications. MALL

It's 10:14 pm. I have to get to bed soon, since i have to wake up early tomorrow. Today i ate around....750-850 cals. Not Bad.




I was going to fast today but i decided that since i'm going to end up eating something crappy, i should have my metabolism going.



I feel fat. *sigh* I've been looking at thinspo all day, and now i'm just plain old depressed.



I've been having a lot of food thoughts all day. Many the most evil words EVER spoken WETZEL PRETZEL **Gasp** all i've been thinking of is a sinfully cinnamon pretzel. Mmm


But then i think of the dress episode from a while ago, when i couldn't get it over my head. D:



But come on, It has the word sinful in the title! Who would want to eat something sinful? What marketing company is like "What should we call this?" "OOH ME! PICK ME!" "Anyone anyone at all" "ME! OVER HERE!" "*Sigh* Ok what is it." "SINFUL CINNAMON!" "But why would you eat something sinful?" NOOO MAKE IT THAT *cries* "Ok, ok it's sinfull!" "YAYYYAYAYAY!"


~*~
I have to thank Ana Banana for the beautiful blogger award! I'll do that official post tomorrow. :)


:) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D

Anyway, i'm sleepy. Good night everyone! Or Good morning if you life somewhere like that!



I wish i looked like her laying down ^^^^

One Day i will.

Love,

~Riki Ana

xoxox

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Hunger

MY.HEAD.HURTS. ugh, i feel like crap. I can't tell if it's from not eating all day or just the sickness. Either way, IT SUCKS.

In other news, i'm hungry. Wow, that exciting. During lunch i felt a crack in my armor but i got a vitamin water instead. YUMMY! So my only intake so far was water and a zero-cal vitamin water. :D

My tummy hurts :( it feels acidic, sort-of.
~*~
OhMyGosh- i got your email! I'll text you as soon as possible....I just need to find my phone haha

I feel all rambly. Like i can't have a coherent thought, it just side-tracks into another one.

GAH! I'm writers blocked.

~*~**~*~*~**~*~*~***~*~**~*~*~*~*~
OK here we go again.

I'm staying strong today. NO FOOD. On Saturday, as you all know, I'm going to get my dress. Then that night I'm sleeping over my friend C's house. Her dad, who is a AMAZING cook, is making us dinner. She said either Pizza, or Spaghetti. **HIGH CALORIE ALERT** There is also going to be a lot of snacks. I'm not fasting today, just to have it ruined then! SO I'm taking a sleeve of rice cakes to snack on all night. :)

Another thing is i have to do a entire 10pg drama project DUE TOMORROW! Ugh. I hate my teacher. She doesn't tell us anything until the day before. SO all-nighter for that shit. :(

Ok, I'm to jambled to write anymore. Sorry for the crappy post, just had to fill you guys in!!!!



Love,
~Riki Ana

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Gahh

Yesterday's treat was a little.....Large. Which is like my weight right now. Today was....let's refer to today as a EWWWWW day, shall we?



Tomorrow=No excuses.



I'm sick of lying to myself every fucking day. I wake up in the morning saying "Ok, i'm going to do good! Remember your fasting today. Water and Juice" Then around 4th period right before lunch, i ask myself "well, should i eat? Something small maybe? A side salad?" Of course not. I get fries. Disgusting cafeteria fries. Oh and listen to this. The lunch lady just immediately says "fries?" and serves them without even looking up to see my order. Yea, i'm that person. I'm a fat, coming back for more, customer.



I'm disgusted with myself. I need to not give up halfway through the day!



I'm making a promise. I'm fasting tomorrow, and i PINKY SWEAR to you guys that i will not break it.





~*~
Anyway, i've been thinking about the whole cigarette thing. That has been the main topic of my mind for the past 2 days. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to smoke another one. Like, i've been through the health classes, I know the side effects, i know it's bad. But oh, is it alluring.


But then i think of my mom, and her smoker's cough. Then again, i think of it's effect of getting rid of cravings. I believe over the years, i have smoker's lungs already. Whenever my mom smokes she blows it towards me instead of my sister, since my sister has bronchial something. :/


I know for a fact, my brother AND sister smoke, what? i'm not entirely sure, If you catch my drift.



So, i'm thinking.


~*~
I'm like 99.9% sure i'm getting sick. My throat is starting to hurt, and my neck itself hurts, my back hurts, ughh i'm all achy. :(
Anyway, to brighten your day and mine here is a beautiful pic i discovered. I'll think about her while i fast tomorrow!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Monday, May 17, 2010

Oh god

Hello, my lovely skinnies.
Today was suckish. I'm not eating tomorrow-(Hopefully) Saturday. Why might you ask? Well, this Saturday i'm going dress shopping for my best friend's 15th birthday. It's this July 11th. I don't want to be fat. Really i want to be 95 by then. I face this question. Should i get a tiny dress for the weight loss i hope i will have? Or, do i get the correct size, and IF i do those the weight, have it be slightly baggy on me?


Tough call. What do you guys think?


Anyway, I'm in a ehh mood. I had to take a 3hr Bio test today, that was just joy full. Then i found out that i have a World History Test tomorrow on top of another 3 hr Bio test. Whoo-fucking-hoo. So i have to study for that. Yay! We all know how much i love studying. -_-

My mom is buying a pizza. I'll think i will have a slice. You should have heard my tummy during the test. It was pin-drop quiet and all you hear is **GURGLE***GROWL*** Yea, i'm that person haha.

Who knows, maybe i'll treat myself tonight as a little "last party" sort of thing. I'm not really in a body-hating sort of mood, though i will be on the scale bright and early tomorrow. o_O
I bought a lot of low-cal food items too. So that's good. I leave on the note of a thinspo pic, and the smell of pizza coming from upstairs.


Love,
~Riki Ana


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! It is currently 54 degrees out, and it's going to go up to a GORGEOUS 73 with partly cloudy skies. Winds are NNW at 5 to 10 mph.


^^^Wouldn't i make great weather-woman?^^^

Hehe anyway back in normal people world, i am down 1 lbs today. 115. OK. Not good, but better than before. As you can see, I'm bored as hell. I'm weird when I'm bored hahah.

Oh yea, brother drama has been smoothed over. He apologized and took me to taco bell where we ate in his car and watched TV shows on his i-touch. He had the WORST day ever and i guess he needed a release or something. I feel like it sucks for non-bloggers, because yesterday i was sooooo hyped up about what happened and writing it to you guys made me calm down and process the situation. Others don't have that so the stew in their upset-ness till they explode!

I'm in a good mood today as you can prolly tell. haha. Today i think i might fast, but if i can't make it the whole day i'll eat something so 0-500 cals today.


Yesterday I tried smoking a cigarette for the first time. I didn't really like the way it tasted or anything, but i like the way it felt. Forbidden. I know it's bad for my health, i don't really think I'll do it again. After all that happened yesterday i felt like just doing SOMETHING, so i stole a pack of my mom's cigarettes and took 1. No one was home, so i stood in front of the mirror blowing puffs of smoke in the bathroom. Then i heard my brothers car pull in. FUCK. So i shut the bathroom door, and threw the window open and sprayed hairspray to cover the scent. Then i started brushing my teeth, I did that twice, and rinsed with super strong mouth wash twice.
Then my brother said to get in his car to go to taco bell. (I got a 150 cal fresco taco btw) So i grabbed a perfume bottle and sprayed it. I smelled really strong of it. Then i got into his car and i could still taste the cigarette! I was so worried he could too! So i kept the window open, while he complained of how i smelt so bad of the perfume. Then after I ate the taco i felt better, since i could no longer taste it.
So yesterday was very....Eventful.
Today I'm taking a road trip with the family to Pennsylvania. So today will be easy to get by with no food. :)
Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Saturday, May 15, 2010

2nd post of the day

Hello everyone, I'm feeling much less defeated right now. i didn't do so bad today. I ate a bag of chocolate covered pretzels in self-hate 330 cals then i purged them. Then for dinner i had 210 cals of pasta. and like 250 in drinks alone. even all that including the pretzels (just in case) it's 790. So hopefully 115 or *praying to god* 114.

I think you girls are right. I have to let the past be the past, and instead focus on my future. If i stay strong now and work extra had i can be around 100 by June first. Thank you guys for you inspiring words. <3
~*~

In family news, I'm no longer talking to my brother. I'm sick of his shit. He comes in to the house and starts yelling at me for no reason. My sister left his chair in the middle of his room and he started yelling. Then he broke the chair. What the hell? Control yourself! Then he started yelling at me, so naturally i yelled back. Then he screamed at me to "not raise my voice" So i started yelling more. Then i don't remember if i started it or he did, but i do remember him holding me to the ground me crying to let go, and him yelling at me to say sorry. I said nothing. I started kicking him in the back while trying to get up and he said not to kick him and hit me lightly in the back. I still said nothing. He asked me to apologise. Again i said nothing, so he got up and stalked into his room. Then he went outside.

I brought him the phone to talk to our mother and he asked who it was. I said nothing and handed it to him. He yelled "I'm not talking to them!" and threw the phone. Remember we are outside. It crashed to the ground. Luckily it did not break.

Then a short time later i was inside. i went to go shut the front door since it was wide open. I shut it and apparently my brother was coming up the stairs. I did not see him. He threw the door open and yelled at me "DON'T SHUT THE DOOR IN MY FACE!"

Finally he left to go hang out with his friends. I understand having bad days, but he does shit like this weekly. He should fucking know better. He's 20, I'm 14. I love my brother, i do. But he has to grow up and stop acting like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum.

Though it probably sounds worse typed out, but I'm not going to forgive him. I should but I'm just so fucking sick of this. I get it, our life is hard, but just stop already.

Me and my mom are the only normal people in my family. The 14 year old ED child. And the single mother working 2 jobs.

Doesn't everyone love family life?
~*~

Sorry for springing family drama on you guys. Ugh, i need to get out of this house. I think I'm going to go for a jog.

Love,
~Riki Ana

100th post

Why yes this is my 100th post, so on that note YAY!
~*~

Today i stood on my scale horrified. This is the first time I've weighed myself in 2 days maybe? I weigh a hippo-size of 116. That is my highest weight. Words cannot describe how i felt when i saw that number. June 1st is in 17 days. That means i would have to lose 6.8 lbs EVERY DAY to get to my goal weight. I just can't do it. I will try, but right now i only have one mood.

Defeated

I love you all, you beautiful girls.
Love,
~Riki Ana
~*~
It's good to be beautiful.
It's good to feel beautiful.
Ana is my life. Ana is my soul.
It is what I choose for me,not what I choose for you.
As I shed my shell and emerge

from my cocoon, I do so
knowing who I am,
and knowing what I do....
~*~

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Slow and Steady wins the race

Down .5 so i'm 113 today. Ehh, i would be happier with more but i did crack and have a bowl of mac and cheese on top of the 700 cals i had. But i didn't feel hungry at all so i say GOOD DAY!

I'm going to try to be Slow and Steady wins the race But in the final week before June 1st, it's going to be HURRY THE FUCK UP TO WIN THE FUCKING RACE!!! haha

Anyway, you guys said yes, so BRING ON THE THINSPO! Woo-hoo YAYAYAYAY!



















Love,

~Riki Ana

Stay Gorgeous xx

Saturday, May 8, 2010

No more excuses

It's going to start raining soon :) I LOVE the sky right before it rains. It is BEAUTIFUL.
Whenever i spell beautiful i say in my head B-E-A-U-TI-FUL. hehe.

Anyway my scale weight was NOT what i was expecting. I was expecting 117 or some shit like that.

But i got.....113.5

I know, wow, what the hell happened?

But right now i'm saying, Forgive myself, use this as a learning experience, and do better today.

So far zero cals. It's 9:12 am. Not that big of an accomplishment but so far so good.

~*~

OHHH, remember thinspo girl like 2 posts ago? She could refuse food like the boss. Well, my world history class had a party and there was SO much YUMMY food there. But guess what i ate?
2 servings of salad and a sun-chip. YAY! i felt awesome. Everyone around me was stuffing their face with chicken parm, pasta, bread, and CAKE. But not me! Nope, i refuse. Oh and people were drinking their high calorie soda's i had coke zero. Who ever brought that in THANK YOU!!

I felt AWE-SOME.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my previous post. It was a little insight into the can of crazy called my mind. :D

Anyway, i'll probably sit home today. I'm aiming for 1oo cals of liquid today.

Maybe thinspo later hmmmmm?

Love you girlies
~Riki Ana
Stay Strong
xoxox

Friday, May 7, 2010

This is me.

I know. I'm supposed to be this big strong blogger who you look up to in your time of weakness to show yourself that SHE can do it, so WHY can't you? Well, I'm not.I'm the girl who has many failures with the occasional good day. I'm the girl that stays strong in front of you but cracks the moment no eyes are on her. One of my favorite quotes that describe me is "I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt, but still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own" I feel that is very true for me. When someone wants to tell me something, i shut up and listen. I observe. I'm.....a loner, you could say. I don't have many friends just a couple close ones, who i love dearly. Sure, we fight. The occasional shove or slap. but later that same day we will laugh about the stupid thing we were mad about.



My friends say they look up to me since i have so much confidence, and i'm so strong, and self-willed. Ha. yea that's what you see but it's not who i am. "Don't be so quick to judge me, You only see what i choose to show." Very true. I show exactly what i think you need. Most of the time i mainly act bitchy. It's who i am, well who i show. I'm a very sensitive person, though i wouldn't DARE to show it. My friends have only seen me cry once in the 10yrs i've known them. I got hit in the face with a basketball. Not even emotional tears they saw. I've seen my friends cry too many times to count.



I don't sugar-coat. Even if it's what they want me to do. You want my advice? I give it to you. i don't care if you don't like it, that's the truth. I'm not going to sit there and tell you it's going to be ok if its a lie. I'm not going to give you false hope. I don't believe that's the right thing to do.



The words you say, even if your "joking" cut like a razor into my mind. "Every just kidding, has some part truth."



The only part of my body I like is my back. Don't ask me why, but I think someone's back is the most beautiful part of them.



I know I'm not fat from other people's eyes. But i don't care what your eyes see. the only opinion that matters is your own. And i don't like what i see, so I'm going to change my shape into whatever i like. You don't like the bony figure i want to become. Cool. i don't care, i think it's beautiful, so shut the hell up.

I'm a comma whore, if you haven't noticed. Put them ALL over my posts. Not even on purpose. I think they belong there, so guess what? They are going to be there.

When i grow up i want to become a psychologist. I want to help people through thier problems.
My favorite color is pink.
I'm in love with Three Days Grace.
I'm bicurious. (Though you guys are the first to know)
I will proably never tell anyone that i'm bicurious.
I'm Roman Catholic.
I enjoy Greek Gods/Goddess.
I love reading books especially dark ones. I don't like happy endings unless there is some sort of twist. EXAMPLE: Identical-Ella Hopkins
I feel like happy endings, like the ones in movies and books, aren't realistic.
I do not lie on this blog.
I crumble under pressure.
No matter how long i've known you, you will prolly never see the me i keep hidden inside.
I will do whatever i can do to make you happy.
I love watching movies. Especially horror movies.
I feel like i'm a complex person, trying to be a simple one.
I love my dog, even though he's eaten all of my favorite things.
If i get the chance to have kids, i'm naming my daughter Riki.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in Fate.
I believe in Karma.
I love chocolate ice cream.
I'm a sucker for chicken.
I'll do anything for my brother and sister to make them happy.
I love my mom with all of my heart.
I love my dad, even with what he did to my mom. I will always love him.
I believe in ghosts.
I think there is a heaven.
I wish upon stars.
I hate spiders and any bug for that matter.
I hate running.
I love walking.
I don't think i'm pretty.
I love listening to my ipod.
My favorite thing to do is sit on my bed while reading a good book with my ipod plugged in and looking out the window on a rainy day.
I like feeling pretty during a fast.
I hate feeling any kind of guilt.
I get emotional. Quickly.
I ramble.
I go to bed early.
I tell stories badly.
I wish i would fall in love.
I wish i was loved.


This is me. the abridged portion. I could keep writing for days. This is the person you're reading about. This is who i am, who i want to be. I am ,to you guys, Riki Ana. To others i am a name you don't know. I'm just a person like anyone else on the street.

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

But you guys want to read about me. My life. And for that i am honored.
I'll post updates on my weight tomorrow.

I love you all. Truely.
~Riki Ana