saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

New day :)

I feel, i don't know, Happy. Shocker. Maybe it's the holidays or that it's the weekend but I'm fucking happy. Or it could be NikkiThin's comment "pot hits the spot eh? :)" That made me giggle.

Good times.

I feel like now at this point in my life i would try anything. Which isn't that smart i guess, but you only live once right? I have a tumblr, For the other side of me that people see everyday, and it's all about living life to the fullest and all that stuff.

Like now, i want to drink, smoke pot and have fun.

But there are friends of mine i never would tell this stuff to. I only do certain things with certain friends. Call me two-face, but it's how it is. I have a friend, never will do anything bad in her life, i am laid back, and "normal" with. She will never know about my smoking and drinking. She looks down on these things.

Then there are my friends I'm very close with, who also want to do these things, but lately it seems like i am the only one. That means, I'll have to find another person.... hmm, this is getting complicated :/

I know i have one friend Sa, who will always have fun with me. :) She hasn't tried pot yet though but we always talk about it. Next time brother updates his stash, lil' sis is going to play. :D

Oh yea, then i have another group of friend's I'm halfway me with. They also will never find out about the drinking/smoking. Except for D, i think I'll convince him one day to try it. I totally believe i could if i really tried.

Then there is the step-sister. I'm full out with her. That's when I'm drinking, and next time i see her I'm going to tell her about the weed. Except the story might get changed. i didn't do it alone in my house, i did it with friends, and friends of friends. Then one day maybe if i can convince her to smoke together. :)

I may sound stupid, and a two-face, or schizo but sometimes it's better to hide you are with certain people, and you know that too.

For all i know, i have no idea who i am or what i want. But that's the point of teenage years i guess, to make mistakes, discover yourself, and have fun.

I plan on having fun and one day maybe I'll combine all of my sides, i feel like it wouldn't work out well...... hmmm
~*~

In Ana news, today will be my first official day back. :) yay. I bought lemon green tea it's amazing!!!!!!!!!

I'll probably try to stay between 1000-1200 just a tweak to ease myself back in.

I leave you with some pics from my tumblr, and the message just to fucking LIVE, you only get to do this once so you might as well have fun and be thin while your doing it.

Live in the moment,
Enjoy yourself.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Holy shit!!!!!!

Ok, i just got back from my sleepover. I was gone from 8:45 yesterday to 2:30 today. I come onto the computer to find this..... www.riskyriki.blogspot.com in the fucking address bar history. FUCK. I must have forgotten to delete it! My entire ana-life might have been exposed. I don't know if anyone looked at it, but know i'm scared as hell.

If someone did look at it, they'll definitely remember my web-address so as of now the new blog address is www.beautyiswhatiwant.blogspot.com

Girls, i know some of my users aren't posted of my blog updates and just check my blog through the address. So if you could spread the word of my new address that would be great.

I'm scared. I can't be found out.

Oh god. What should i do?

If someone questions me, now at least they won't have evidence and i could just deny it, i could deny it like ana denys food. Oh god!

First i get my interm report to see the crappest comments ever "in danger for failing marking period." Why do you tell me i'm doing good and then say that????? Well, FUCK YOU.

My heart is racing. There is nothing i can do except...

...

Wait.

And let's hope i have to wait for a looooonnnngggg time for anyone to find me out.

Love,
~Riki Ana
p.s. 114lbs