You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Friday, February 26, 2010

As the world spins by...

Hello my skinny minnes. First i would like to say DAMN! Stupid me, eating chips, which is one of my MAIN triggers. Damn. Tonight my mom is making stuffing and roasted chicken for dinner. Mmmmm, :( I know for a fact i'm going to binge, Maybe just on stuffing to get my count down.

Perhaps a cold shower later so kill some cals?? hmm....

I have set up a reward system that will help me get to my goal! You see, as humans we seek reward. So when we do something good and are rewarded for that, the brain wants to do it again so it may get the pleasure of said reward.
So it's like the opposite of snapping the rubber band every time you think of food. Your brain will want to avoid the pain of the band so you tend not to think of food after a while.
While with rewards if you lose, let's say 5 lbs, then you let yourself have a mani-pedi you feel better about yourself and you body is happy with the reward. You will want to work harder to get to the next goal and reward.

So here is mine,
110- New Vogue
105- Manicure
100- Teeth whitening kit
99-New book
98-New purse
97- New shoes
96- New outfit
95- New phone

The way i'm paying for all this is, everyday my mom gives me 3 dollars for lunch. That's 15 dollars a week. On food! That's so stupid, you pay 15 dollars every week for something your going to crap out later anyway. So that's why i'm saving it for my goals. Now instead of the crap cafeteria food, i'm going to be thin. Yay. I recommend doing this! :)

I got this from one of my fav websites,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.

In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that.

I expect a lot from you. You are not allowed to eat much. It will start slowly: decreasing of fat intake, reading the nutrition labels, cutting out junk food, fried food, etc. For a while, the exercise will be simple: some running, perhaps some crunches and some situps. Nothing too serious. Perhaps drop a few pounds, take a little off of that fat tub of a stomach. But it won't be long before I tell you that it isn't good enough.

I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one.

I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.

When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain!

Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares?!?!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and lonliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.

I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely, Ana

I hope you all are strong today.
~Riki Ana
Starve on

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Long time no post!

Heyy everyone,

to the commenter, Yes i know I'm a bad blogger i REALLY need to post more.

Today I'm stuck in my house, the snow is piling up outside. :( I want summer to come sooner! grrrr So to brighten my mood and hopefully yours too, here is some of everyone's favorite thing.....

THINSPO!!! YAY! *clapping* ....yes i know I'm a loser. Anyway BACK TO THE SHOW!!!

Yes i know, i'm not Mia but it's a pretty pic anyway!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

2nd post of the day. Please scroll down to number 1!!!

hmm. I feel odd. I was just catching up with other blogs and now i feel like i'm, i don't know, missing something. Like there's a big picture in all of this, and i just can't see it.

I've been very bad the past couple of days. Oh well, yesterday i was walking all day, and loading up on caffiene and sugar from monsters. yum.

Today, i had a
4 crackers-70
8 oz of soda-110
So that 470. Then i threw up a little bit of it, though i'm still counting it as 470. No more food for the rest of the day.

Again, go to the first post of the day, it's a letter to a commenter. Read.

~Riki Ana
Starve on

To Anonymous

Hello you,

To your little comment first i found myself a little mad. I didn't really think i said anything bad.

First, i hate that first kid who was trying to school me on calories. He knows this. He hates me also. On the first day we met he threw an apple at me. So yea, we aren't very friendly. We have a mutual hatred of each other. Also, the only reason her talks to me is because he finds it funny since i have a short temper, he always tries to make me mad. Like yesterday he threw a empty tin of mints. That hit me in the face. Joy. So again, mutual hatred.

Next, my best friend. I would die for her. Really i would. All I said is that she's perfect the way she is, and that dieting for her would be stupid, because she's not fat. Oh my god I'm so horrible! In case you didn't catch it that was sarcasm. I also said she eats a lot of fast food. So? She knows this and jokes about it all the time.

So i don't really appreciate your comment. I know you may have been just trying to get your point across.

"One day you'll find yourself in need of people like that"-- People like what? People who want to diet, or people who want to try to tell me wrong information?

For my best friend, i have convinced her not to diet. At least i hope i haven't. For all you know maybe i don't want to have her have this life. Ever thought of that? She wants to become a doctor. And if you have a eating disorder you can pretty much kiss that goodbye. Once you get stuck in a treatment center all your schooling gets off course and no hospital wants a doctor who has a chance of relapse. So yea, it's her dream to become a doctor, why should that be taken from her?

For that other kid, he could care less about anything i do. I am the same for him. So Again. Mutual Hatred.

What i really think of them. Nothing bad about my best friend. The other kid....^ well again^

I hope i have cleared this up for you. Also i hope my temper hasn't made this post bitchy.

~Riki Ana

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Hahaha i just was thinking of last week. I was in school during lunch having a very filling coke zero and my friend's friend who sits with us is like "that's unhealthy, it's taking the calcium out of your bones!" i was like "ok, your an idiot. That's starvation, drinking a soda with zero calories is not going to do that, you..." then the kid cut me off saying "NOOO!!! because since it's zero cals you're not getting enough cals and it's taking them out of your bones!"

"Um, well, your dumb because THERE AREN'T CALORIES IN YOUR BONES! you can get calories in this magical thing called FOOD! Fucking idiot."

"NO! it's unhealthy..." blah blah blah. I fucking hate that kid so much. Ever since the first day i met him. grr. Your trying to tell someone who spends most her day counting calories about calories? I don't know what your thinking but your going to get schooled! lmao


Another thing that happened, was my best friend is non stop talking about how she's going to start a "diet" ugh. she's not fat at ALL she's curvy. she's like I'm fat, blah blah blah, and i'm standing there going your not fat! She's like i'm going to be as thin as you!

From the girl that has mozzarella sticks and fries with a coke EVERYDAY for lunch. she eats so much fast food and crap it's amazing.

When she was talking to me all i could think was from wasted "Anorexics are very supportive of each others recovery. Less competition."

Is that why? Hmm, really i think she's fine the way she is.

Yesterday at the family party i binged. Badly, so today i'm fasting to make up for it.

Hope you all are doing good. I have a sudden urge to clean my house, which is very odd. Probably to get my mind off of my tummy. Don't know what my weight is i came down here to blog first. Drank nothing yet, going start water loading after i go to the bathroom and weigh my self.

Have a great day.
Starve on,
~Riki Ana

Saturday, February 13, 2010


helllooooo! I'M SOOOOO BORED! ugh. ok so here is my boring ass life. *sigh*

Yesterday i fasted, and was at the mall. I tried on a pair of pants and i couldn't get the past my thighs. :-( awwwwwww! so i had to get a size up. then i went to another store and i tried on a shirt but that was too big so i got a small. That made me feel better.
So top half=good
Bottom half=bad

I got through the day on water and 2 diet cokes. Except at the mall i ordered a diet coke but it didn't taste like it, so i freaked out. I drank it cuz my friend said it kinda did. So that might have been high cal. oh yea and i did some chewing and spitting.

Today i haven't ate anything yet, but it's only 9 am so we will see. i have to go to a party later so i might fast untill then.... maybe a piece of toast to hold me over?

grrr there's nothing to do!

i'll probably post something latter.

~Riki Ana

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

5 day fast... a little late

Ok so on monday i started a five day fast that i was going to do with Hannah.

But on monday i ate so that didn't work.
But today, tuesday, i haven't had a bite of food yet. And it's been hard because,
1) The first day of the fast is ALWAYS the hardest
2) During World History my teacher wanted to treat us with one of those GIANT cookie things with frosting. it looked soooooo good! but i did not give in!
3) My mom is making my FAV dinner. Chicken cutlet..... YUM
But i've resisted before and i'll do it again.

It's 5:31 right now. That means if i wanted to i could eat for the next hour and a half. I never eat past 7:00. It doesn't give your body enough time to digest causing more fat to me absorbed.

But i will not use that time to eat.

If you would like you can join. The fast ends on friday.
The last time i fasted i got to 3 days. On the third day i had a grey out. (it's like a black out, but the darkness doesn't quite reach the center so you avoid acually passing out.) I was in Bio and i stood too quickly and i didn't eat for 3 days so my body was trying to ruin my hard work. But i grabbed the chalk board chalk holder thing an forced my self to stand.

In gym today we did the most intense workout so that burned quite alot of cals.

So calorie log for today is.....
50 cals of lite ice tea
2 cans of coke zero
and a couple bottles of water.
so total cals are....
50!!!!!!! yay!!

and i proabaly burned more in gym. Man, i was shaking and my knees felt like jello. I had to walk up and down stairs to and i felt like every step they were buckling. but it is worth it.

Oh and when i did eat yesterday and before then i took my soup and hand and poured half of it into a bowl and watered it down alot. I filled me up by ALOT and for 35 cals

shit g2g