You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

My friend called me in tears today. Her mom found out she was bisexual bc of a hickey on her girlfriend's neck who was sleeping over. Her mom fucking flipped. My friend's family won't even talk to her. And now her girl, who lives two hours away, has no where to sleep tonight, bc her mom can't pick her up till the morning. What the fuck.

I'm not the type of person to sit and watch someone in trouble. So i told my mom exactly what happened and i asked if the girlfriend could sleep here tonight bc she has no where else to go. My mom said "let the lesbian's mom pick her up, it's not my problem."


I'm sitting there crying, begging her not to leave the fucking girl on the street tonight and you say no.

You're a parent. How would you feel if i had no where to go and no one would take me in?

I lost all respect for you mother.

Then i told her i wouldn't care if my daughter was les or bi, so she calls me fucked up?


well, there goes the last shred of respect i had for you.

And....i just got a picture of a dick sent to me. Just fucking awesome.

I hate everyone right now.

~Riki Ana

Friday, July 29, 2011

2nd post of the day

This song is litterally written about me, it describes me perfectly.

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop

Guess what? I'm not a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

My life, exactly.

I think i have some sort of mental problem. Like I repress a lot of shit, that's how i can describe it. If something bothers me i ignore it, which causes me to have random breakdowns every once in a while. Where i just cry all day, thinking about what a horriable person i am. The last one was just after school ended...

I can feel another one coming.

I just bottle everything up,

And i just know i am, and im scared.

I don't know if i can mentally handle another breakdown.

We will see.
My last breakdown, i cried to my sister. I told her how much i hated myself, and everything. Obviously leaving out a lot of shit.
She's always asking me if im going to change and go back to be person i was. The kind, loving child i once was.

Being 100 % truthful, i can't go back. It's not because i don't want to. It's because i don't even remember who that person is. I have a bitchy hard shell with a liquid inside of depressed, guilty, angry goop.

Sometimes i hate myself, and i wanna change. But there's no going back, and i can't be the happy person i once was. I have fucked myself over to the point where i think i need professional help.

Maybe Ana can be my therapist for now.

Stay Strong girls, maybe one day everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.


how much hope can i have in a maybe?

~Riki Ana

Fuck you life.

So this fat bitch is telling people im a baby ho. Oh really? I wanna fucking slash her tires. She's saying imma hoe when she has the clap? wtf.... well i cant say much on the std part but im not a whore like she is. one time she gave me a ride home and this phrase came out of her mouth...
"Well he's not attractive but dick is dick so whatever."


im so pissed.

but in other news
I've stayed below 1500 for a week
and now im staying below 1200

i wanna do a fast soon.

I miss the feeling of hollowness, the empty growl.

Mmmm, i want it back.
I'll get it too.
I fucking will.

~Riki Ana

P.s. i have so much more to say but i'm beat tonight. Tomorrow ill re-open up my life to all you beautiful boys and girls.

I have a phone now, so leave me a comment and ill give you my number so we can be Ana texting buddies, that will seriously keep me on track

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Old habits return

Well, i still haven't got my maybe-std checked out. But tonight i had a scary experience.
So i was sneaking out to go hang out with a couple friends and go burn at the park down the street. So i hop out my basement window and i get down the street when my sister calls me. HOLY SHIT. i had a cigarette in my hand and i broke it while making a fist i chucked it and ran down the street and flew through the window and went upstairs. AND NO ONE WAS UP. she must have pocket dialed me or something. But my heart is still racing and i got home like an hour and a half ago.

Scariest moment ever.

This is also showing me that im still being the same old up to no good Riki. I thought i would be a good girl again like when i was younger but being bad is more fun ;)

On to Ana news finally.
My bad girl ways aren't the only thing returning. A couple of my old Ana habits are returning like feeling the bones in my wrist and drinking a full bottle of water when i wake up. And of course seeing food and instead of thinking MUST EAT NOW. its "holy shit how many calories is that?!?!" but then of course i eat it anyway.

But i think i am mentally prepared for a comeback. The other times were "ehh lets see if it sticks" now its "you better fucking do it fat ass."

Hi Ana, it's nice to see you again. :)

~Riki Ana

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fuck it

I'm taking Spose's Advice and just saying FUCK IT.

I have horrific news, you can skip down to the next part if you want, its nothing Ana related but its a crazy event in my life.

Karma is a bitch. She is one giant raging hormonal bitch, that is always on her period....and she hates me.

For the past two weeks i've been on vacation.

how can i put this lightly....

I was a huge slutty Mcslutson.

And right now im paying the price.
I might have an my throat.
I decided it was less slutty to give head, cuz i didnt wanna fuck.
Total head count 3 guys.

But hang on, it might not be an std, i went to planned parent hood today. the doctor looked in my mouth went "oh my god. oh my god.....hmmm well i have no idea what that is.....but it doesnt look good."

I said "Well thats reassuring."

So i have to go to a real doctor. My mom cant know so i have to fake being sick. Then my doctor gets to see my disgusting mouth.

My tonsils are red and inflamed with a large white spot on the left one and the back of my throat is blood red with a mix of creamy milk white.

MMM, isnt that sexy. Maybe ill post a pic of it....that will keep you girls from eating.

I deserve it though. It slapped me back into reality showing me im not invincible, and i cant get away with everything.

I just want it gone. And im hoping the first guy didnt give it to me bc that means i gave it to 2 other guys, im actually hoping the last one gave it to me, or else that means i gave it to someone else which i feel bad about.

But surpirisingly im taking the whole i might have a std thing well, yes when i looked in my mouth i called my stepsister and cried, but hey i got checked for hiv and lucky me i dont have that. But the gonerraha and syphilius tests take 1 month. I have to wait a whole month for my fate to be decided?

Thats why i have to go to my normal doctor, he can swab it and tell me sooner, im just hoping that its curable and that the medication is cheap so my mom doesnt question it.

Thank god for paitent doctor confidentality. The planned parenthood lady told me to say "you must keep this between us legally, so you can tell my mom i have strep and give me the pills for the std. If you tell i can legally sue you. Please treat me with discreation."

Thank you america for that law.

I'm praying no one finds out and that i can be cured.

Oh and the reason im able to be calm about this is bc i feel i deserve it in a way, and the amount of cigarettes i've smoked today has calmed me down, but everytime i wanna look in my mouth i wanna cry.

But you know what once i get my meds, i can just say fuck it and continue living my life.