You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

3rd post of the day!!!!


You can eat it. She says with a smile

Enjoy, eat it all and more

Follow me over here

Where no one can hear

Stick your fingers down your throat

Gag, sputter, and choke

Brush your teeth and wash your hands.

You wouldn’t want anyone to know

Keep this a secret

You and I

No one understands why

They would make us say goodbye

Ana looks over from her chair

And shakes her head with despair

I look over begging for forgiveness

She nods her head and stands.

Pushing Mia aside

Claiming me by saying “She’s MINE”

Snarling and hissing erupt.

I stand back not knowing what to do.

Pick they say it’s up to you.

I know who I want

She’s caring, kind and will never let go

Ana, help me

Go away Mia I beg

As Ana’s warm embrace surrounds me

I know she is the key.

To life, thinness and my goal

As the story goes,

I want the perfect body and soul.


I wrote this, tell me what you think.


I stand in front of the mirror and stare

You will never be good enough, it’s not fair.

She has all the beauty, inside and out.

Is this really what it’s about?

The snacks call my name

It makes me feel ashamed

Fat lazy bitch she calls out

I just sit there taking it as I fill my mouth

You want to be pretty just like me?

I nod my head up and down

She punches me in the stomach as I cry out

Hurts too much to eat right? She asks with a devious smile

All I can think about is the bile rising in my throat

I choke it back, I deserve it I say.

I get ready for another day of this

You call it madness, I call it life.

It is all worth it.

To a commenter

Sorry not much time to post.

To whoever comment me, we have the EXACT same stats then because i grew an inch or 2 but i'm too lazy to fix it. lol. Email me if you want to chat or set up some sort of diet plan.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The secret life of the American anorexic

i was just watching The secret life of the American teenager and thought of that lol.

Anyway much to talk about.

First of all, I have 51 readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!!! That's fucking AWESOME! Love you guys!xxx

Next, it went like this...

"Mom what's for dinner?" i asked while walking down the soup aisle.
"Chicken and stuffing." She responded.
"um, can i get a bag of chips?" I ask worried.
"Go ahead"

I need something bright. Cheese doodles.

"Is the food almost done!?!!?"
"2 minutes" she responded.
"I'm going to eat cheese doodles while i wait..."
*inhaling food*
"Mom, i'm going downstairs on the computer!" i shout, toothbrush tucked into my waistband heading towards the second downstairs bathroom.

And that's where i stayed for like 10 minutes kneeling before the porcelain god.


puking till i saw orange.
I didn't.

Damn it. So i was there puking and i got like 2/3 of it out. I was starting to see specks of orange but then my mom came down stairs. Crap.

I wasn't caught and no suspicion. oh well. Tomorrow's limit is under 400.

I'm going to be home all day tomorrow, because i don't have any mid-terms that day.

SO i'll post some thinspo for you lovely ladies. (perhaps gents also?)

Now my throat hurts, my tummy is bloated and i'm shivering. This is sooo not worth food.

Probably going to take a cold shower tonight and freeze to burn some cals.

This morning i was 113. i want to be around 108 by friday. 5 lbs? So like a fast and a restricting day should do the trick.

i can feel my glands are swollen. Do you know that doctors can tell how many times you've thrown up just by feeling them? Weird.

I hate having to throw up. I know i shouldn't throw up but it just seemed so convenient at that time.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm not a mia person though. I know all the tips and tricks but i almost never purge.

Like markers (cheese doodles) to see when it's all out.


I'm making my self a new pro-ana bracelet tonight. My old one broke. I don't use beads like you should but i'm lazy and don't have beads so i just tie a red ribbon around my wrist and put my ED/food diary key on it.

In case you don't know what the bracelet is, it is a way of knowing who is friend and who is foe.

You make a red beaded bracelet and some have dragon fly jewels. Then if you see another girl with it you could try to make eye contact with her and hold up your bracelet, if she does the same she's ana too. If she doesn't it's some random thin girl you happens to be wearing a red bracelet. And you should promptly walk away. lol.

You can buy them online or just make them yourself.

Recovered anorexics know about these too, so they may rat you out so try avoiding that.

I usually wear mine every day. It's a great reminder. There are also different colors. Like Endos is pink, self harm is black and Mia is blue. I'll try to find what all the color and meanings are for you guys.

I wear red, which is Anorexia. I'm not thin enough yet to be considered anorexic but it's a nice reminder of what i'm working towards.

I have to be 102 to be considered anorexic. To be considered anorexic you must be, i'm pretty sure, 85% below your normal body weight.

So for me i'm supposed to be 120. 85% so that is 102. My second goal weight.
3GW- 98

Oh how i wish i was that number.

Oh yea this summer i'm going to a summer camp for two weeks with my two best friends.
A LOT of hot guys are going to be there. So that's great motivation. Except you can't wear 2-pieces there so that means my arms and legs are going to have to extra good!

Well, i'm off to drink so tea to sooth my aching throaght. :( owwies!
Riki Ana.

P.s. Listen to the song i posted before on youtube. It's very inspirational.

Boats and Birds

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
if you be my boat
I'll be your sea depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free
but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by
if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

By: Gregory and the Hawk

Friday, January 22, 2010

Crazy week

Man, next week is going to be so crazy. Mid-terms, studying my ASS off today(Ignore the pun).

Ok so i think i came up with a solution that will work. Every morning (or the night before) i will plan out what i'm allowing myself to eat that day.

Example: Day's Goal -300 cals

I may have banana- 80

small Clementine- 50

toast- 80

Low- fat Cereal- 90

that way i can pace my self knowing that there is food waiting, if i need it.

Also i need to start keeping track of my liquid cals. Usually i just ignore them or count them separately. Which is stupid because a calorie is still a calorie no matter how you look at it.


^hehe looks like a surpised smily face!

Anyway, to BGSUDiva, i read you blog and you are an amazing writer. But it wouldn't let me comment. :(


To Arii, Your welcome!!! Periods do suck. Alot. You blog is effeing amazing and so is the pic that you posted.


umm, oh yea yesterday i was at a friend's house and she got pizza and i only ate 1! they both had 3. i felt so strong! But then i think it's because i don't like eating in front of people....

In school the are making us watch "Supersize Me" The movie where the guy eats NOTHING but McDonald's for 30 days. It's DISGUSTING. It's a video full of fat people, then a guy stuffing his face. eww. It's acually helpful to watch. Like it's totally put of fast-food to me. Also its kinda reverse thinspo. Like looking at fatty, after fatty makes you want to not eat those fries at lunch.

I recommened watching it.

umm, i had more to say but now i forgot. Damn.

Riki Ana
P.S. I love you guys!!! <3 <3

" I want your ugly i want your deiese, i want your everything as long as it's free. I want your love" - Bad Romance, Lady Gaga

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You have GOT to be kidding me!

Really life, really?

I got my fucking period AGAIN! Is that even healthy to get it TWICE in one month?


no wonder i was so pissy today.



I want you all to do me a favor.

Please read this blog

Pretty please with Low fat ice cream and sugar free sprinkles on top!!

She is a great blogger and we all deserve to have our thoughts heard.

If you want me to read your blog btw just comment me with the link!


Mid-terms are going to tear me apart. I've been emotional eating yesterday and today. grr.

As you all know i sucked the first half of the year

So on that part of the mid-term i'm fucked. Damn me for not paying attention!


*Breathing deeply*

Ok... i'm good.

I'm thinking of trying the 2468 diet soon. If you don't know that's when you eat 200 cals the first day, 400 the next, 600 after that and so on. Once you hit 800 the next day you can either fast or go back to 200.

I heard it gets good results. i might do 8642 too. Same concept just backwards.


in other news i've folded the tips of all the pages in Wasted i found inspirational. So when i feel weak instead of reading it all i go right to the page and read. i'm so smart. ;)

Might post some thinspo later. if i feel like it, perhaps tomorrow?

Stupid period, stupid mid-terms, stupid weight.

My life has been good other wise.

Comment and tell me how your doing.

~Riki Ana!! xx


DO IT, DO IT NOW!!!! lmao :)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Fresh starts

Today, i feel much more, i don't know how to describe it....maybe ready for full time ana i suppose.

I'm going to the mall today, MY FAVORITE PLACE. I can get some clothes, and see some fatties and skinnies for thinspo. Yay! Then i don't have to eat there but i'm a little worried about after because we are going to my dad's girlfriends house and she feeds us usually but i can't refuse it because i don't want to effe-up his relationship. grrr...*sigh*

Hopefully i can just "eat" at the mall.

Anyway i feel so loved by you guys! The comments from the last post were so encouraging!!!! <3
Thank you all :)

I haven't checked my weight yet today, somewhere around 114-116. Grr back to fucking square one. Damn it. I hate yo-yoing. bleh.

But i'm going to pretend i'm a skinny little bitch today, to keep my head up and refuse food like i'm the boss. Then when i get into the dressing room and can't fit the dress over my head like last time. Grr Let's hope i do good.

Oh lovely ana, let me refuse the temptations that are laid out before me!


I'll proably be watching jersey shore till it's time to go. Man i love that show. Maybe cuz i'm from Jersey? lol. Even though only 1 of them are even from Jersey!!!! whatever, funny to watch. :)

~Riki Ana
<3 :)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Looks like your not the thinnest girl in the room anymore.

That was said to me a couple days ago. May not seem that bad but oh it is.

I was at my dad's house enjoying dinner. Well cutting it up into tiny pieces. I had 3 small strips of steak and half of a spoon full of potatoes. I was eating with my my bro and his girlfriend, and she recently had the most horrible stomach flu EVER. I didn't last 1 day, no it lasted like 4 days. she dropped like 5-10 lbs. Making her 105. She looks like an Ana goddess. But she eats whatever she wants. One of those freaky metabolism people.

Anyway, she's really skinny from it and not gaining much weight now. So my dad says "Man, (her name here) you look so skinny! Riki, looks like your not the skinniest girl in the room anymore!"

Which i replied with "Guess not." and a laugh. Inside i was like FUCK.

So new motivation. Check.

Grrr. I will be the skinniest girl in the room.

~Riki Ana


Thursday, January 14, 2010


Ugh, i've been doing crappy in general.

I've been freaking out since mid-terms are next week and i know literally NOTHING. And all my teachers are saying this pretty much end up being your final grade. :(

My foods teacher is giving us a mid term which is stupid. Come on it's foods! and yes, i am pro-ana and in foods class, i know, ironic much?

Anyway, tomorrow i'm going to start restricting. Under 800 let's go with.

When i checked last about 15 min ago, i was 116. but that was after 2 personal pizzas.... :(

"Fat, fat, fat, fat, big belly, big thighs, big jiggly arms." Ana whispered.
"...I know." I say defeated.
"I'm sorry." i say with a tear sliding down my cheek.
"Riki, meet Mia. Mia, Riki." Ana said to the thin red eyed girl.
"No thank you." I say politely.
"What?" Ana said staggering back.
"I'm not taking the easy way out Ana. I deserve the number on the scale. I'll work it off, or rather starve it off. NOT puke it off." I say stubbornly.
"That's my girl." Ana says while lightly kissing my head, while waving away Mia.

So tomorrow i hope i do good.

Sorry i haven't posted in so long. :( Hello? Anyone out there??

Anyway, i want to say if you comment, don't say sorry for the long comment. lol I don't care if it takes up the whole page! Reading your comments make my day, if you have something to say, say it! I love hearing your thoughts!

So, i finished Wasted. At first i didn't like it. But then i reread it. More slowly this time. Instead of trying to finish it as fast as i could, i took my time reading each page, word. by. word.

It was actually really good. I like the end more than the beginning personally. When she gets to her lowest weight it's amazing yet so sad.

I'm not going to ruin it for you. I say read it. :)

She has a good point in it though. She talks about how most people with ED get to a point where they don't find the thin they are at attractive anymore. They just look dead. But they get thinner, mainly just curious to see how low they can get with out dying. then oops they died, guess that's too low.

Good book though, if your like me read it twice. It seems better the more you read.

I just started to notice that i suck my stomach in. Almost all the time whenever i'm around people. I suck it in as hard as i can, barely breathing. Maybe, i'm trying to look as thin as possible even though i've gained weight....

Sorry for the long post. I know you guys have lives unlike me. So i'll let you get back to them.

Have a great day, or night depending what time it is.

Peace out,
~Riki Ana

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head. I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead. I know what's best for me. But I want you instead, I'll keep on wasting all my time." Over and Over by Three Days Grace

Friday, January 8, 2010

[insert awesome title here]

How is everyone doing??

I have only 1 thing to say. THANK GOD FOR THE WEEK END!

This week has been shit, to say the least. Right now i'm just bored, which is causing bored eating, which is fucking up my weight.

I'm at 113 last time i checked but i was wearing boots and clothing so like 112?

Ugh, i HATE winter. I know some people love it, but i fucking hate it with a passion.
Summer is my season, Fall too. Spring is too rainy and i get really worried with summer around the cornor.

But winter is horrible. Being stuck inside in the warm house making you feel all happy and fuzzy thinking "well maybe just a couple cookies...."

Summer is MY time. That's when i'm always at my lowest weight. By last year June i weighed 98 lbs. That was a good time. And man did i look good in that bikini.

I'm NOWHERE near bathing suit ready, but usually around spring once i'm out of the house more i usually start dropping.

So i can't wait for that.

Not much more too say,

I'm almost done with wasted like 80 pages left or something like that. Good so far, excited to read the ending. I'll give you a full review once i'm done.

I feel like she would be upset if she read the stuff on pro-ana sites about that book. But i bet that book has saved a couple lives. It's very intense, very raw.

I hope you have a lovely weekend ladies!
Maybe i'll post something tomorrow, perhaps a thinspo treat hmmm????

~Riki Ana :)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I want to be like barbie. The bitch has everything.

Ok, i give up on ABC. Stupid thing telling me how much i should eat. pshhhhhhh that.

Tomorrow i'm doing under 800. Trying to get my body to listen to me again.


I'm in an odd mood today.

I just want to feel pretty for once.

But i know that's never going to happen.

I saw my collar bone for the past week. Made me happy, till i saw my stomach was the same.

I know i'm not good enough, and i'll NEVER be good enough.

My grades suck, i try but it's hard, then i don't want to study. Stupid fuck.
Everyone tells me i'm skinny. I wish i could myself through there eyes.
I'm at normal weight for my height. I wonder how i actually look.

I need to get back on track. I want to be skinny but does it have to be so damn hard?
"Of course it's hard" says Ana. "It's to weed out the weak and undeserving"
"Does that mean i'm undeserving?" I ask her.
"No my dear, you're just weak." She says with a small smile. "I'll fix it though"
"What will my life be like when i'm thin?" I ask her, like a small child asking her mother.
"It will be perfect." She says while kissing me on the head.

Sorry if that was weird...

In other news I'm reading Wasted.
In other blogs i heard it was amazing and great inspriation and THINspiration.
From many other anas including the famous AnaRegzig, it is called the "Ana Bible"

I'm only someway in. Let's see if it's as good as all the hype.
Sorry for the crappy post my dears.
~Riki Ana

"No matter how much you push it down, Hunger is always there. The day it's gone is when you discover you miss it. Keep it there let it gnaw at you, begging you for one bite. So for when you say No, you feel better. Even if only for a moment..." - Me <3 xx

Monday, January 4, 2010

If you're a freak and you know it, clap your hands!

Ahh, my lovely readers. How i have missed you.

It has only been a couple days but so much has happened.

The reason i posted thinspo was because i needed a pick me up because the ABC hasn't been going as planned....

So far it's been 4 days of it. I've failed ALL FOUR DAYS. Today i was doing good till i had a 370 cal pizza and 360 cals of fries. EWW. Then i.... purged it....


Man, i suck.

Tomorrow i have a meal planned out so i don't go over the 100 cal mark.

i'm having a serving of 80 cal soup
and 2 1/2 cups of lettuce which makes 17.5 calories!
So that's 97.5 cals

Another thing is that i was reading about a girl on recovery and all i could think was, I'm better than you. I'm stronger. I'll become thinner than you ever could have been. Am i a bad person?

I was looking at food early and all i could think was calories, fat, fat, fat evil. I'm such a freak.

Oh well, at least i'll be a skinny freak.

Tomorrow i'll post more because my family will not be home. Soo till then girlies

Ana loves you,


So do I

~Riki Ana <3 xx

Saturday, January 2, 2010


There's some thinspo to brighten up your day ladies! Enjoy and Stay Strong!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Day 1 of ABC

This is my first day of ABC and i'm excited to see how much weight i lose.

For breakfast i'm haveing a banana-80

For lunch i'm having juice- 110

for dinner i'm having a salad- 50

for dessert jello!- 80

Which totals me to be 320 cals.

I'm allowed to have 500 but... no thanks....

Tomorrow is also 500.

I hope i have enough control to do all 50 days. I'm allowing 3 f*ck-up days. Which is where i'm going to go a little over. But hopefully i don't have to use them.


The ABC is all about control. And let's hope that i stay in control.

Anyway i hope you all had a good new years! Here's a good question, What things do you want to do for your New Year Resalution?? It can be Ana related or not!

Here's mine,

*Grow out hair

*Get down to a size 3 jeans

*Stop biting my nails

*Get to be 95lbs by June

*Look good in a bikini

*Bring up my grades

*Stop putting so much salt on my food

*Have more self-control

Man i have a long list. So girls comment me with your lists!

Hope for those who drank, that your hangovers don't suck.

And for everyone else hope you had a fun new year!
Love~Riki Ana!