You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Why is it whenever i do something it's never good enough?

My sister and i had to clean the house so we pulled names out of a hat. She got all of the hard jobs. She than commanded me to go upstairs and do mine. My sister doesn't know how to ask she always commands it makes me feel like a fucking dog. No, wait, she treats our dog better than me.

Anyway, so i went upstairs to do mine. I felt bad for her getting all of the hard ones so i did her jobs. All of them. And i did mine. Then she comes upstairs. She starts telling me everything i did wrong. Oh, there is still stuff on the rug. Over there too. That bed isn't made right. That's just a taste of everything i do wrong. Then she sees i cleaned everything including her rooms. She said thanks....Then went back to commanding me o do more stuff. Then i made everyone dinner. (I really just put it in the oven) And my sister asked if i was going to have any. i said no. She said Yes you are. So then i ate dinner.

Then everyday my mom is asking me about my grades. How they suck. How i need to pick them up. How she never sees me doing any homework. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOUR NEVER HOME MOM, EVER THINK OF THAT? Really my mom is never home because she's working, for us. So i don't really care much about that. But everyone needs to get off my fucking back!

I got 3 C's, 3 B's, and 2 A's. Not so bad it means I'm average. But really who the fuck wants average?

I'm never good enough am i? I'm not cleaning enough, I'm not smiling enough, my grades are good enough, I'M NOT SKINNY ENOUGH.

That's it. The game is on. I WILL BE PERFECT.

I don't care if it kills me.

So that's that. Off to the rest of the blog.

I will restart my Fast (again) today. i feel stronger since of what happened yesterday.

Also if you want to try this go ahead. i bought a calendar. Then i took 3 different colors and made them represent Red- Binge. Blue-Fast. Yellow- Restrict. So then you can look back and see how you did over that period of time. It helps me. Then I can plan ahead. Seeing it on paper helps, because you can see how amazing your doing or how crappy.

Good luck everyone. Tell me how ur doing.

Starve on my skinny minnies.
~Riki Ana

Friday, November 27, 2009

No title



Thursday, November 26, 2009

Hunger hurts but starving works

Today is Thanksgiving, What a craptastic holiday. There is no doubt in my mind that i'm going to binge. But believe me the next 3 months of my life are going to be heaven and hell in the same spot. I'm going to start a 10 day fast on Friday. But knowing me i cannot handle those whole 10 days so i'm breaking it on the 3 or 4 day. Then i do an apple diet day. (which is where you take an apple cut it into 8 slices then you have 2 for breakfast, 2 for lunch, 2 for dinner, and you have 2 extra for a snack!) (It may not seem like much but since your constantly eating you mind tricks itself into thinking that you ate all day. ) Then after my apple diet day i return to fasting!

If you want to know more about the diets or anything else, go to this AMAZING website i found while websurfing one day. The girl who created it, is such a sweetheart and everyone on the site is sooo supportive. Check out the Calender if you want the diets.

I haven't weighed myself this morning yet. :( I'm scared to look tho. The past few crap. I was sooo pissed at myself. But now with the 3 months of diets, i will have structure to stick to. Hopefully it will keep me from binging. I've been getting all my binging out these past few days. bleh.

Ana HATES my mom. I'm doing a great fasting day! Oh wait no your not. Mommy just brought home fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. And pizza. Ana is pissssseeeeedddd!

Now she will be happy!!!!! well....after Thanksgiving.....

Now some thinspo. Enjoy my skinny bitches. I'll be posting all this weekend because i have more time!!!!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Better wasted than waisted.

Yesterday i went to the mall. I bought the CUTEST shirt dress sort of thing. And you have to have a flat tummy to wear it!!! Yay clothing thinspo! I planned on fasting all day. It was weird like usually during fasts i have major temptation issues. But yesterday like the thought of food and eating just turned me off. But my sister was hungry and so then i have to eat. I know that i shouldn't have but she is already suspicious and me not eating would have made it worse. So i bought my favorite food court item. Popcorn chicken. I know gross. I only eat around half, because my sis got up to get a soda and i threw the rest out. Still loads of calories. But that was the only thing i ate all day so that's good.

My current weight is at 109. A stupid plateau. Damn.

Then this morning Frito's were calling my name. If i ever eat other Frito in my life it will still be to soon.

So today after my little Frito binge, with a side of mac and cheese. :( eww i sound gross :( ughhh

I'm going to fast hopefully. But today is Sunday. Sunday is horrible for me because everyone in my family is home. So maybe alot of restricting... We'll see.....

If you noticed at the top of the page above my thinspo quotes there is a binge counter thing. It will help keep me on track. You all will know the depressing news before you even read the blog entry. So that's a good reason to stay on track. Oh yea i borrowed the idea from Sophia. Hope you don't mind..... :/


I HATE Thanksgiving. What a disgusting holiday. Anyone got tips for avoiding food on Thanksgiving?!?!?!
Tomorrow i'm starting a fast and going in till Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will balance out the fast and binge....hmmm.......

Hope you are all doing well. I love seeing how many followers i have!!!!!! :)
Ana luv to you!
Think Thin & Starve On,
Riki Ana

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Hunger is a feeling. Thin is a skill.

Hi. I'm not really cheery this morning. Why is when you are at ur strongest is when it decides to die? Sure i completed my fast with flying colors. I beat my plateau of 109. I was 108.5 AMAZING! but the next morning my mom was forcing me to eat breakfast. She said "have an apple, or leftover pizza." So did i eat the apple...NO i ate the effing pizza! DAMN IT! Then i had a field trip. Did i eat my 500 cal lunch? No, luckily but i did eat a personal bag of Cheetos and a personal bag of Frito's. Then a lollipop and a 140 cal fiber one bar. i probably ate 700 cals. Just for lunch. gross, then i went to the movies with my friends, i had a low cal monster -20, then we got ice cream, but instead of ice cream i got fries instead. ewwwwww. I'm a fat failed anorexic disgusting pig. My CW is 111. I GAINED 3 POUNDS. WTF!!!!

I'm going to fast today. My will power ain't so good. But i'm going to follow Nikki's plan of doing 20 jumping jacks every hour. Then i set my alarm on my phone to send me little messages during the day. Like "Ana would be proud." or "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." "That stomach pain is your fat melting away...." Try it. It helps me!

Oh yea. I was thinking. Remember when we were kids, and when we actually saw someone anorexic and we would say "ewww! her bones are sticking out!" or we'd make jokes about them being skeletons. I wonder when that changed. When one day i went "well, she's actually really pretty. Those bones are perfection..." How weird, that your brain can suddenly just go "nope! she's really pretty!"

Just saying.

More later.

Ana luv to you
Starve On,
~Riki Ana

P.S. The pizza guy spitting on it was a great idea!
P.S.S Hope you all are doing better in your weights.
P.S.S.S. Oh yea, now i'm going to be a fat pig at my dance. Great.

Luv you all! BYEEEE!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Pizza? No thanks...

Hey girlies!!!!! Man, i feel soooo great right now! I've been fasting all day, at lunch i thought i was going to binge but i chewed some gum, then i bought a Vitamin water with 10cals per serving. And my craving for food was GONE. yay! Now my mom is buying a pizza :( but if i can keep this control i should be good. I'm going to look great for the dance on Saturday especially if i can fast till then.

To someone that commented i wanted to say thanks! Your comment made me smile :) Anorexics are everywhere. When we feel lonely we really shouldn't. Look at how many blogs and web pages there are!

So yep. My life has been boring. I've been weak. But hopefully it's all going to change! I've been dreading Thanksgiving. I really want to do a 4day fast then on thanksgiving restrict. Since there is only 1 meal on thanksgiving it will help.

Oh yea i'm soooo happy my sister is going to be starting a new sport. That gives me more time to blog. Which will keep me from eating. yay! Man, i'm in a good mood.

So how have you all been doing??? I would hope well.

I'll probably blog more later when the pizza gets here :/ so more later. Something more interesting then too.

Ana luv to you!
~Riki Ana

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Control, control, control

wtf. Why do i have NO say in my life?
Riki, do the dishes!
Riki, walk the dog!
Riki, eat!
Riki, do this!
Riki do that!

DO IT YOURSELF! gah! i've been forcefed and weak the past two days. Off the hook for tommorrow so i going to (hopefully) fast then. I have a dance on Saturday so i want to lose 4lbs by then. I plan on fasting til the dance and during it. My current wieght is 111 or 112 or a dreaded 113.

Apparently my bro controls my sis so my sis contols me and i control nothing. How the hell did that happen? grrr!
I can only control one thing. My eating.

Ha, i just lied to my friend. I know i shouldn't like that but i do.
"Want to get Food at the mall while dress shopping?"
"YES!!! sounds good. Yummy!"

Haahaha yea right.

Let me be skinny. Let me have control!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully i'll have more time to write soon. I hate writting while people are home. Luckily my sis went for a jog. So more later...
Oh yea you guys were commenting about the shower buring the cals. I know it proabably wouldn't burn that much.
On no she's home
~Riki Ana

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Starving hurts less than looking in the mirror.

So far so good. So far I have had 360 calories. Then i took a cold shower for 15min and that burns 400 cals so that's good. I'm going to skip lunch today then have a tiny dinner. My weight today was 113. Blehhhhh. I hope to be at 106 at the end of the week. I know it's a reach but i can wish....

Someone asked if i know any good thinspo websites. This one is great, all thinspo all the time.

I think i might fast soon

Ekk people coming see ya later!
~Riki Ana
Starve on

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Ok girlies. Blogging now takes up so much of my time. Like on days where i decided not to blog I'm like "must NOT blog, MUST NOT BLOG, DON'T BLOG!" But really I love it.

Ok so i know it's been a couple days. I had my little breakdown... But now i want Ana's warm embrace to hold me. I want to look at that left over pizza and laugh thinking Really? That many carbs, calories for THAT?

I have found a couple songs that aren't really pro-Ana but they work in a couple verses and i feel the tune of the song is quite pro-Ana

Stop and Stare-OneRepublic
Over and Over- Three Days Grace
Till I Collapse - Eminem

This is the first verse of "Till i Collapse"
"sometimes you just feel tired.You feel weak. And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you, and get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse."

I find it's very thinspriational when your about to binge.

Ok, i've been avoiding it but here is where Ana addresses my Binges

Dear Riki,

You've been very bad Ana lately. You have been listening to Norma too much lately. You've not been counting. How do i know this? Well, my dear Ana knows all.

When you get onto the lunch line during lunch i see you look around. Seeing if anyone notices you failing. They do my dear they do. Then you pay and sit down at your table. I notice how you don't look up at anyone. You think i can't see them, they can't see me eating. Honey they notice what a fat pig you are. You don't look up because you'll see me. Staring, Watching, Crying as all of my hard work dies because of your grease filled french fries, and your lard fried cheese sticks.

What did you have for breakfast today?
WTF? Riki, you are very disappointing.
Want to know what your readers are doing when they read that.
They gag.
What Ana EATS PIZZA!?!?!?

Get your last party in today you fat lazy pig. This is your last sick day. Tommorrow you eat A HEATHLY breakfast of celery, skip lunch and eat dinner with the family.

I must say i was proud of you one day. Your mother gave you your plate so you took two slices of meat and then no potatoes, and and some veggies.
You barley ate any of it.
Congrats you don't completely suck after all.

Get back on track you lazy fat ass.

Your weigh in today of 112. Is very disappointing.


I'm watching you remember.


I'll post more later maybe.

~Riki Ana

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I've come to far to take orders from cookies.

I'm so effing sick it's not even funny. That's the one crappy thing about Ana, you get sicker more often. At least i do. Ugh. This weekend sucked, sucked, sucked. I want to rant till my fingers are numb, but i don't want to put you guys through that. So i'll shorten it...


bleh i don't know what happened. Every time i look in the mirror i hate what i see. But it's like i have two sides that fight all the time to see who will control me.

There is the Ana side. Pure, gentle, Perfect. She has here claws out and is trying to help me. That hunger pain means perfection is on it's way. i love being hungry, Ana does too. But the other side doesn't....

The other side is my "normal" side. The one that craves the cookies, cakes and other crap that poisons my body with fat and calories. This one talks to me in a sugary light tone begging me to have 'just one' cookie, etc... It's never just one though. "Riki, come one. You loved pizza. It's your favorite. I promise it will not make you fat. Would i lie to you?" yes, yes you would. And you always do. This one drowns out Ana's pleas and screams while i shove food into myself.

I don't even want to be normal. I don't want to be fat! I WANT CONTROL. and now i don't have anything. I'm obviously not normal, Of course i'm fat from listening to my fucking normal side, and i have no control in what i do. Ana weeps. The normal side moans. I am numb.

I don't even want the food. Being sick makes me not hungry at all. But yet i still do. My mother is a hawk when i'm sick. I'm weak. I'm fat. Yet everyone says i'm 'thin' I don't know who they see but they obviously are lying. My face is puffy and gross from being sick. I look horrible.

There is a war going on inside of me.
Ana vs Normality
They want the control.
I need control
I know if i fast i'll fail.
I suck at restricting.
I'm a fatty fatty fat blob
I want Ana to win.
Yet the food i crave is begging for Norma to win.
I don't know how to make it end.

I know you all are probably better at this than me. Tell me how to make the madness stop. How to regain control. I want to walk on snow and leave no foot prints. Yet i want that cookie. I've come to far to take orders from a cookie. Yet I still do.


Thanks for reading my rant. Please comment.

Now back to the blog.
Someone asked if i had a goal weight.
I do. It's in the stats bar underneath the thinspo banner thing.
If you can't find it i'm currently this.
Height- 5'4''

Thanks for reading
Ana luv to you.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Thinner is always the Winner

Tomorrow I'm going to the mall. Perfect day to fast. I can get some smaller shirts and jeans for some inspiration. Then while my friends stuff their face's at the food court I'll drink my unsweetened green tea. Then I'll finally start shrinking and go back into Ana land.

Oh yea, officially sick. Hopefully better by tomorrow. I get this pain in my stomach so then i have to eat. Luckily green tea numbs it.

I'm going to try to skip dinner tonight. Maybe not though, it all depends on how i feel, maybe some soup?

My ever encouraging bro called me a lazy fat ass again. He's so kind. (sarcasm) But then it's the kick in the ass i need to skip that meal. So thank you big bro, the day i waste away I'll be sure to thank you. :)

Eating today was.... a little bit worse than ok. Could have been worse. Luckily, Ana's sweet whisper has been in my head all day.

Oh yea! i almost forgot. I was looking at the free on demand service for IO TV and they have a cardio routine and all of these other work-outs. Yay!

I might not be able to post tomorrow, maybe early morning...

So that's all for now.
Starve on,
~Riki Ana

A moment on the lips, forever on thy hips

Not much to report, i woke up today with a KILLER headache. I think I'm getting sick again.

I binged yesterday, ugh. I went walking with my friend and i was doing good, then we stopped at another friends house. Their house is food central. Every goodie you could imagine. I ate a lot. ugh. When i got home i checked for blog updates and someone was saying how if you take a cold shower it will burn over 400 cals. because of all of the shivering. I decided that since i ate so much, i should try it. So i got into the shower ice cold. Brrr. I was dying! i had to put on some sort of hot water into it. I put it as cold as i could stand it. But i think it worked because even with the binge I'm down half of a pound bringing my weight to a sad, but could be worse 107.5

So my Fresh start diet was a failure. Oh well. I can't do those kinds of things. I hate knowing i can only eat 700 cals, etc. I like deciding that day and seeing how little i can get away with. In my mind it's like "Oh you can eat 800 calories? You've only had 200...FOOD TIME!" ugh.

My mom decided to be nice and bought my FAVORITE chips. Tortilla chips. So bad yet soooooooooo good! they are just waiting for me...ugh. I'll see how long i can last. Hopefully everyone eats them before i get a chance.

Oh more bro news. Yesterday he stepped on the scale and was like "YES! i went up 2lbs!" bringing his weight to a muscular 166. Then he was like "Oh Riki, that's how much you weigh right?" being a total dick. i was like "No, i weight 115" LIE. That's 5lbs below my ideal weight limit. If only he knew i was 107.5 I wonder what he'll say then. So then he's like "Sure you do. *cough*166*cough*" Ugh.

I think one of the reasons i got an ED was because of my family. It was always my bro was the smart one, my sis was the pretty athletic one. I was always just known as the skinny one. Then my sister became skinnier over the years...And i lost my title. Then i was just Riki. But I'm getting my title back. No matter what.

Ugh, i feel so horrible writing. I feel like I'm going to throw up.... I'm totally getting sick. FML
Let me be better, NO DOCTOR PLEASE!

Winter chills coming down.
All my calories a frown.
For my shivering is making them die.
So that one day i may fly.

hehe I hoped you liked my crappy poem i just came up with.
Going to have some tea.
Ana luv to all off you!
~Riki Ana

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Cheats, tips and Comments

Ok so I'm just going to start off by saying My fresh start fast was doing good but i cheated twice. One good cheat and one bad cheat. So bad news first. I binged. A lot. My first under 800 day was great. I stayed under 800 around 775. So that was good. I lost a pound. 108. The under 700 day was....not so good. I tried to not eat most of the day then lunch came. It's the hardest time for me. People constantly offer me food. i try to go to the library but it was closed all of this week. So when someone offered me french fries (one of my many weaknesses) i took one. Or Three. Possible four at the most. Then 2 classes later my class had a party with lots of sweets. Cookies, cupcakes you name it, I ate it. ugh. Then got home and binged some more. Ugh. Ok, bad news over, now for the good cheat. Since i did crappy, I'm trying to do a water fast today. I say try because if I'm to end up binging I'm going to eat some granola-220 to hopefully avoid it. Now for some tips...

Constantly keep you arms and hands moving. If your like me and in school most of the day, twitch your foot. tap your fingers, twirl your hair, sooner or later you're going to burn something.

Then at night if you have a fan in your room have it blow on you all night. Crack open your window a tiny bit. Let yourself freeze. If your going to be sleeping might as well as burn something. Also for those who self harm, i was thinking maybe this would be a better form? I'm not really sure since i don't self harm but maybe... Because it's kinda could be a punishment if you make it one. Like if you complete your goals for the day you get a blanket, if you fail you get a tiny tee and and short shorts. Especially winter air. You will be shivering in no time. To bed i wear the lightest Cami I own and The shortest shorts. It keeps me freezing all night and when i wake up and look in the mirror i see my fat self so it also works as a reason to get skinner.

Now for comments....

Sophia was saying how 109 was her goal weight. Well, I'm 5'4'' But the way the fat sits on my is weird. I kinda rectangular is how i think of it. Like i have huge thighs, and if i eat my stomach looks like someone shoved a bowling ball into it. eww.

Then xokinsey i want to say happy late birthday! And then you ask me if i purge. I do sometimes. If i have a binge and no ones home. I hate purging with my family in the house. But then i have done it before with them home. Only once. Mainly it was just to get rid of the full feeling. Personally, throwing up is not very glamorous. One of the many reasons I'm Ana not Mia. Also it's much worse for your health than starving. But if i feel i have to i do. But i try not to. Make sure if you do don't brush your teeth right away. Rinse with water, then wait 10 min to brush. If you brush right away the stomach acid will ruin your teeth faster. Also, I feel Ana gives me more control than purging. I haven't actually purged in a while. In my mind it's kinda of cheating. Like your fixing your mistake of binging. Usually when i binge, I'm so mad i think "You deserve to be fat for eating all that! Now your father from your goal, DEAL WITH IT. I hope you have fun ruining all of your hard work for those cookies and sweets. Now Riki, was it worth it?" Nope it never is, yet i still do it.
As for your next question you were asking about my laxies. The post were i originally first took them was my first time ever. It showed me how deep i was really in with Ana. I wouldn't really recommend using them all of the time, the make you bloat up and could have side effects. But if you decide to take the laxie path. READ THE BOX. In my rage that day i stupidly bought over night. It wasn't how i thought it was going to be. People are generally always home at my house so if i was constantly running to the bathroom, I'd think they would worry. hehe. If only they knew. So in my opinion i wouldn't really recommend it. It's not good for you and usually doesn't do much. it just gets rid of the food inside of you. Most of the time you get calories anyway from the food before the laxies can clean out out.

That's it for comments. To everyone who does comment I LOVE YOU! To my readers I LOVE YOU TOO!

Now i have one more thing. Yesterday after my binge my bro came up to my while i was doing dishes, poked my stomach and said "Some body's getting a pouch, fatty." and walked away. I almost cried. Then i went on my computer and looked at thinspo, i was on the verge of tears. Those girls were all so beautiful. I'm so fat and ugly compared to them. It made me want to lose so much weight. It will show my brother. The day i waste into nothingness I'll ask "Who has a pouch now?" hehe.

So that's all for now. Keep reading and commenting!
Ana luv to all of you!
~Riki Ana

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


I hate the weather/season right now. It's in that crappy plateau of what i like to call Finter. It's too cold to be fall, yet still to warm to be winter. It's no longer the fresh, crisp fall scent in the air. Instead it's the smell of rotting leaves. Now everyone will wait for the first snow to fall, hopefully ending Finter, and letting the crisp, cool winter scent begin.

Today, i start my "fresh start plan" It is under 800 and I'm determined like hell to complete every goal for you guys. In the comments Thin is Perfection said she is lacking motivation. Well, that's where i was. You just lost the will power to continue. Well, try what i tried. Let yourself binge. And everyday get onto the scale and see the numbers rise. It's so disappointing. Like my Current weight of today 109. Bleh. Look at your body in the mirror. Notice the new 'curves' coming in. Go online and look for Thin models and Fat-asses. Decide which one you want. Every time you eat, let that beautiful Ana voice in your head take over. I hope my tips help.

If you guys want to send an email to me, I'm at Send what ever you want tips, diet plans, thinspo, or just comments you didn't want to post here.
That's all for now my beauties.
Ana luv to all of you!
~Riki Ana
P.S. i saw a girl in school yesterday. She is living thinspiration. Her arms are TOOTHPICKS. Her entire body is sooo skinny. Her legs have like a 2 inch gap in between them! Finally. Everyone in my school is so fat with thunder thighs. Now at least when i walk in the halls, i can see some major thinspiration throughout the day. And i know one day, she'll envy me...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Fresh starts

Ok, so I've been doing a crappy job lately and I'm not happy with myself. So i will now start a new fast/diet thingy for myself to get back on track. You are welcome to join if you like. Since I've been eating "normally" if i fast right away my body will go into shock, so this is it...

Tuesday(tomorrow)- 800 calories

Wednesday- 700 calories

Thursday- 600 calories

Friday- 500 calories

Saturday-400 calories

Sunday- 300 calories

Monday- 200 calories

Tuesday- 100 calories

Wednesday- 0 calories.

So I'm pretty much slowly going back into Ana land. for Wednesday I'll be fasting and see how many days i can hold out. That's what i usually do with fasts. I see how long i can go. I'll start at one day if i feel strong, I'll go two, still feel strong, when i wake up I'll go three, and so on. I recommend trying this. It's better than having scheduled fasts, because everyday you keep fasting you push your limit, and if you feel weak that day you can eat a little something so you don't end up binging and putting back on weight.

Now for a disclaimer..


Now back to your regular scheduled blog.

Also to go with my "Fresh start plan" i am getting an exercise list too. Here it is.

150 crunches.

100 side crunches

100 of those things where you stand then sit sort of and stand back up using your legs. Sorry i forgot the word for it. :(

30-40 min jog/walk

30 min dog walk (works arms and legs :) )

100 arm toners

100 belly toners.

I'll probably do more than is listed here

Oh yea here is some thinspriation to keep you all going!!!

I hope you all keep doing well and staying strong.
Ana luv to all of you!
~Riki Ana