Once you feel weak and dizzy your almost there.

SO much shit has happened its crazy. My beautiful blog has been forgotten, i must change that. but first let me tell you all about whats been happening in the shit storm called my life.
~*~
First, I've been a veryyyyy verry bad girl lately. Santa will be giving me a ginormous lump of coal for Christmas. I did some very bad, illegal things that of which i will not go into detail, bc i didn't get caught. so hell yeah on that part, but sad face bc my entire family found out what i did. Which caused me to attempt suicide. I sat in my closet and swallowed two handfuls of Advil. Then i went to bed. You think that would have done the job but i woke up, so i guess that's good. My depression has hit a new high lately. i barely want to pull myself out of bed and when i do it's for school and to get high, weed and spice are my life. i love spice, i trip balls but i know it's stupid for me to do. Imma try to do better......

Next, I'm forced to see a psychologist. Why, might you ask? Well, i decided to call out of work (i got fired bc of it) and go clubbing at a teen club, most annoying part? it wasn't open that night gayyy. i already knew i was in a lot of trouble so i told my parents, no I'm not coming home tonight. See you in the morning and hung up. Let's just say it didn't fly well. I was reported missing to the cops and they recommended i see this doctor. Which is why I'm there.

I hate him, hes an old fat man trying to understand a 16 year old girl rebelling against everyone. I find the fact the can't prescribe me drugs very annoying to me. Obviously I'm fucked in the head. I mean anyone who talks to me for more than an hour realizes it.

Now, don't you all go thinking I've become this crazy lunatic, bc i haven't I'm the same old Riki....somewhere.

My Ana habits were forgotten in this new found life. But now since I've gotten away with it all, I'm retiring my bad habits....well except getting high. But every other illegal thing I've done is in the past.

I'm sitting here eating my Halloween candy looking at blogs and thinspo wondering where my perfect body, my perfect grades...ish, and my perfect life went. Everything was fine back when Ana was my best friend, but i dumped her for drugs and mistakes.

It's time again for me to return. I'm hopeing it will actually stick this time. And i know readers, why trust me? Every blog post, about one a month is repeating the same old lines, but i don't know. This time feels different.

Maybe it's because i can hurt myself, and others. Maybe because I'm sick of being trapped by this body that isn't perfect.

But I'm back. And this time I'm fucking ready. :)
~*~

Tomorrow will be very little food. I won't count too harshly so my return will be a descent instead of a yo-yo drop.

My Halloween candy is calling my name.
Do i have enough strength to turn down its siren song?
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Time for a new me?

Someone in the comments asked if they wanted to get on track together, my answer is HELL YES!

Tomorrow i have decided to do my first fast back in the swing of things. :)
It's going to suck, it's going to be hard.
But it's going to be worth it.

So anyone who wants to

FAST TOMORROW.
Starts tonight at Midnight
and for the heck of it
30hrs.

It ends Wednesday at 6:00 AM.

Stay Strong
~*~
I wanted to address a comment written by BattleinMind:
Anorexia Is Not Disese. Anorexia is Not A Game. It Is a Skill Perfected Only By Few. The Pure, The Choosen, And The Flawless."This quote is sickening and so so offensive.

I'm not going to bash you. I'm not going to disagree with you. I'm not going to fight.

I'm going to explain.
I apologize if you find this quote offensive. Personally i don't. You could tell this to the person I got it from. Would you happen to know Ana Regzig? From dyingtobethin// http://www.anaregzig.blogspot.com/

The tab of the page you read it in, says quotes, does it not? Did i say politically correct quotes, or perhaps nice pro-ana quotes? No i did not. I said quotes. They are quotes I've happened to stumble upon in my blogging. If it really bothers you that much, just ask and I'd remove it.

It's not that big of a deal. And i know ur going to say something in the comments about it being a big deal.

It's just a quote. Ask and I'll take it down.

That goes for anything on my blog. Just ask and if i deem it to be even slightly offensive I'll take it down.

Just wanted to get that out of the way.
~*~

Oh and if i make it past my fast tomorrow, which i pray to god i do, i will try to continue the fast until Friday so i could try my first salt water flush.

I'll put all the information on that tomorrow.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. I'm getting a camera for christmas so i could finally show u me and my upcoming process.

Where has time gone?

Last post: October 5th.

What the hell happened? So much has happened to me and you guys haven't been informed.

Ok so let's see, i got drunk for the first time ever on Saturday. Holy crap, i know. A couple hours of my life gone. *poof*
It wasn't as awesome as everyone makes it out to be.
My friend who wasn't there asked me how it was. I couldn't explain. I feel like part of me, my innocence?, has gone. I know I'm still much more innocent in some ways. But part of my rose-colored glasses have been broken. That fact makes me sad. It makes me realize childhood is pretty damn awesome.

Food wise, I've been pretty normal. Wait, not even pretty. I've been perfectly normal.

Which isn't so perfect.

122.5
The highest I've ever been.

I have slight muffin top; not enough to be gross for other people to look at but large enough for me to notice. I can tell my trust-worthy metabolism is slowly beginning to fail me.


I don't know where me and Ana stand at this point. I don't hear the viscous whisper of whether or not i should eat any more. Every once in a while she speak at lunch, and everyone once in a while I'll listen. But we all are aware of what I did when i got home. *mouth drooling at the thought*

Should I make a full comeback?

I want too, I really do.
But I'm worried about my, i can't think of the word, motivation? No that's not it.
My ability to starve.

Can i handle having Ana return to me? I faintly remember my prime of Ana. *sigh*

I planned on slimming down today. So yesterday after dinner, penne and vodka sauce, i got a packet of breakfast essentials, a drink mix full of vitamins and healthy shit, drank that mixed into a full glass of whole milk and took a multi-vitamin.

So i would be all healthed up my descent.

Can i, the pudgy normal eater, become skinny once more?

Hmmm, we shall see.

Love,
~Riki Ana
P.s. I've missed you all so much!!!!!!!

Oh and i hope Thanksgiving to all you who celebrate it didn't get you down too much.

Lovely Returns and Computer Fuck Ups

Oh my god girls, I've missed you soooo much! Holy crap. All I've thought about is getting back to this blog!

My computer is sooooo f-ed up! It takes soooo long to load and ughhh, but luckily it's giving m a break so i can type this :)

I'm ready to restart my weight loss. I'm not exactly sure of my current weight. 115-117 is what i believe it to be in. But today...started off badly **cough-fries-cough** but later I'm going for a hike with my dog so liquids till then, after that I'm walking around town with my friend :) maybe some 10cal sugar free red bulls if my day goes as planned.
~*~

Yesterday i went into the city with my family. It was so much fun! I got a new purse, it's a blue Coach bag, we got it from this Chinese lady in china town. It was only 35 bucks and it looks really real. hahaha.

I have to go get ready for church, so this is my goodbye till later! (btw I'm in a good mood since i finally got to update-if you couldn't tell) <3

Stay Strong,
Starve on,
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. -Pour l'ensemble de mes beautés, je veux dire que je suis de retour. Je vous aime tous. Je ne vais pas vous échouez à nouveau. Je veux avoir le contrôle, le corps parfait, et l'âme parfaite.

Fast re-do. Day 1 Morning

Good morning my loves. Here are some distraction tips from the famous Ana Regzig blog. www.anaregzig.blogspot.com


Distraction from hunger/eating:

#1 - ALWAYS have a bottle of water, tea, diet coke, SOMETHING to drink in your hand. You'll be amazed how often you take sips off it without even thinking, keeping you full and distracted.

Clean something that's filthy, like the toilet or the cat's litter box. Take the garbage out and then scrub the inside of the can before you replace the liner. The smell alone will gross you out so much you'll NEVER want to eat again.

Make a rule of keeping the kitchen absolutely SPOTLESS at all times! Absolutely no dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher, or drying on the side. Keep the towels folded neatly, the spices all lined up and facing label-side out, alphabetize them or put them in height order. Scrub the floor again.
If you make a rule of keeping it immaculate at all times, you won't be so tempted to fix something to eat thus creating more mess to clean.

Purge your stores. Take at least 10 items from your closet, 2 pairs of shoes, and 5 pieces of jewelry and donate them to a local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Then treat yourself to a new outfit - dress, shoes, jewelry, and a hat, belt, or handbag! You'll feel better for helping a good cause - and burn calories without eating at the same time.

Give yourself a manicure. Even if it's only been three days since your last one. If your nails are wet, they can't be digging inside a bag of chips!

Brush your teeth - again. You'll be less tempted to get your teeth and mouth dirty again with food.

Keep your lipstick touched up 24 hours a day. Moisturizer, liner, color, and gloss. Not only will you be constantly beautiful, but you won't be tempted to mess them up by putting food in your mouth. Sip water with a straw.

Purge your kitchen. Start by drinking two full 8-oz glasses of ice cold water, so you'll feel full and cold and won't be tempted to eat. Then get a bag or a box and clean out your cabinets and your fridge of anything that isn't high-fiber, high-protein or low-cal. Donate it to a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. On your way home, drink another liter of cold water and feel great about your good deeds!

Do spring cleaning in the fall! Start at the top of each room, clean the dust bunnies out of all the corners, off the ceiling fans, dust the tops of shelves, and work your way down until you're sweeping/mopping/vacuuming the floors. Burn calories, burn! Have a tall glass of ice-cold lemon water every hour as you go, to keep your stomach from growling.

DANCE! Why wait to get to the club? Dim the lights, or turn off the bulb-lights and light a slew of candles. Put on a disc of all your favorite dance tunes and pump up the volume! Even better - set up a full-length mirror and work on your dance moves. Which moves could look better if you were just five pounds thinner? Let these images be your own thinspiration.

Look at that journal of thinspo again. Then look in the mirror and remember how far you have to go. Skim through magazines or online articles and find at least 10 new pictures to add.

Set your alarm to go off every half-hour. Set your shoes by the front door. No matter what you're doing when the alarm goes off, drop it, put on your shoes, and walk around the block as fast as you can. When you get home, have an 8-oz glass of ice water and set the alarm for the next half-hour.

Get creative. Do you sew, knit, or crochet? Are you great at pottery or glass etching, origami, painting or sketching? Are you an excellent poetess? Get started NOW on creative, beautiful, and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. And picture how skinny you'll be by the time you give these gifts to your loved ones.

Feel like you're about to binge? Before you open the fridge, write a one-page journal entry about why you feel like eating, ask yourself if you're really hungry or just bored. Remind yourself of your goals and question if this binge is going to help you reach those goals. Don't like writing essays? Don't allow yourself to eat UNLESS you write that page!

Write out a precise schedule of everything you're going to do tomorrow to stay distracted. (ex: 10 am-walk the dog, 10:30-lift weights, 11-wash dishes by hand, 11:30-shower, Noon-redo hair and makeup, 12:30-manicure, etc...) Don't allow yourself anytime to rest or eat. Only cold water. Then STICK to it!
~*~

Well, it's only 10:26am and i'm already hungry. Ughhghghgh. Don't worry though, later i'm going out to buy a 2liter bottle of diet coke. yummmmmyyyyy! That should help squash my growling tummy!

Ooh I saw toy story 3 yesterday- ADORABLE! Totally worth the 11 years i've waited from when i was a little kid, though i think the 2nd one is better.

Oh and thanks to Liz for thing inspirational comment!! :)

Anywhoo, can't really think of anything else to write.

Maybe some thinspo later!??!?!?

Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Tips and Tricks

So today is day three no food. May i say i'm VERY proud of myself. I haven't been able to fast in FOREVER, now i'm doing it with such an ease, it's as natural as breathing.

My current weight is......

*drummmmm rolllllll..............*

109lbs! WOO-HOO

I'm getting close to 105, 4 lbs to go. Yay!
~*~

*The tips and tricks have been removed due to inaccurate information*


HAVE A GREAT DAY MY SKINNY BITCHES!!!!!!!! :)
Love,
~Riki Ana xoxoxo

DOWN 2LBS!!!!!!!!

Yay! Today at my weigh-in i am 112.5 lbs! Now if this was a couple of weeks ago I'd flip shit at this number but at staying at a fat 115, this is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now today is the 6th, so how low can i get by Christmas......At Thanksgiving i was at 113 or 114, imagine my family's faces when on Christmas day i walk in at 105 or maybe 102! IT WOULD BE AWESOME! New motivation, Check. :)

Yesterday i sat in a freezing stadium for the championship football game. I was so cold, i thought i was frozen to the effeing seat.

That night i had a pretzel, and a hot chocolate

But luckily no dinner

So hence me losing 2 lbs is because i froze my butt off ALL NIGHT. I walked in the door at midnight. My feet were sooooooo cold. Brrrrrr

My friends mom asked her if i had an eating probelm. Ha! Nope i'm just naturally skinny...... ;)
Why would she ask this while i'm a fat shit? Why not when i was at 103? WTF??? When i'm at 95, i wonder what she'll think then....hmmmmm

My mommy bought lots of goodies at the super market. Those devils trying to sneak their way into my body. Trying to make me fat. *shutter* If i can keep that thought i'll be perfect.

For some thinspo i decided to take my Teen Vouge and rip out all of the skinny model pages and put them on my wall. Now every morning when i wake up i see this beautiful girls staring back at me. And they all are wearing cute clothing so i can say i like the clothing. Then i put up a picture of a *plus size model* (fatty) on my wall to show me, what i could become if i ate, or what i could become if i starved. :) Try it out, believe me it helps.

So how are all of you my skinny minnies????????
I hope your doing good.
Sorry i haven't posted in a while...
To many people are home and Ana is a secret not a family event.

Ana luv to you.
~Riki Ana
Starve on

Hunger is a feeling. Thin is a skill.

Hi. I'm not really cheery this morning. Why is when you are at ur strongest is when it decides to die? Sure i completed my fast with flying colors. I beat my plateau of 109. I was 108.5 AMAZING! but the next morning my mom was forcing me to eat breakfast. She said "have an apple, or leftover pizza." So did i eat the apple...NO i ate the effing pizza! DAMN IT! Then i had a field trip. Did i eat my 500 cal lunch? No, luckily but i did eat a personal bag of Cheetos and a personal bag of Frito's. Then a lollipop and a 140 cal fiber one bar. i probably ate 700 cals. Just for lunch. gross, then i went to the movies with my friends, i had a low cal monster -20, then we got ice cream, but instead of ice cream i got fries instead. ewwwwww. I'm a fat failed anorexic disgusting pig. My CW is 111. I GAINED 3 POUNDS. WTF!!!!

I'm going to fast today. My will power ain't so good. But i'm going to follow Nikki's plan of doing 20 jumping jacks every hour. Then i set my alarm on my phone to send me little messages during the day. Like "Ana would be proud." or "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." "That stomach pain is your fat melting away...." Try it. It helps me!

Oh yea. I was thinking. Remember when we were kids, and when we actually saw someone anorexic and we would say "ewww! her bones are sticking out!" or we'd make jokes about them being skeletons. I wonder when that changed. When one day i went "well, she's actually really pretty. Those bones are perfection..." How weird, that your brain can suddenly just go "nope! she's really pretty!"

Just saying.

More later.

Ana luv to you
Starve On,
~Riki Ana

P.S. The pizza guy spitting on it was a great idea!
P.S.S Hope you all are doing better in your weights.
P.S.S.S. Oh yea, now i'm going to be a fat pig at my dance. Great.

Luv you all! BYEEEE!!!!!!!!

Cheats, tips and Comments

Ok so I'm just going to start off by saying My fresh start fast was doing good but i cheated twice. One good cheat and one bad cheat. So bad news first. I binged. A lot. My first under 800 day was great. I stayed under 800 around 775. So that was good. I lost a pound. 108. The under 700 day was....not so good. I tried to not eat most of the day then lunch came. It's the hardest time for me. People constantly offer me food. i try to go to the library but it was closed all of this week. So when someone offered me french fries (one of my many weaknesses) i took one. Or Three. Possible four at the most. Then 2 classes later my class had a party with lots of sweets. Cookies, cupcakes you name it, I ate it. ugh. Then got home and binged some more. Ugh. Ok, bad news over, now for the good cheat. Since i did crappy, I'm trying to do a water fast today. I say try because if I'm to end up binging I'm going to eat some granola-220 to hopefully avoid it. Now for some tips...

Constantly keep you arms and hands moving. If your like me and in school most of the day, twitch your foot. tap your fingers, twirl your hair, sooner or later you're going to burn something.

Then at night if you have a fan in your room have it blow on you all night. Crack open your window a tiny bit. Let yourself freeze. If your going to be sleeping might as well as burn something. Also for those who self harm, i was thinking maybe this would be a better form? I'm not really sure since i don't self harm but maybe... Because it's kinda could be a punishment if you make it one. Like if you complete your goals for the day you get a blanket, if you fail you get a tiny tee and and short shorts. Especially winter air. You will be shivering in no time. To bed i wear the lightest Cami I own and The shortest shorts. It keeps me freezing all night and when i wake up and look in the mirror i see my fat self so it also works as a reason to get skinner.

Now for comments....

Sophia was saying how 109 was her goal weight. Well, I'm 5'4'' But the way the fat sits on my is weird. I kinda rectangular is how i think of it. Like i have huge thighs, and if i eat my stomach looks like someone shoved a bowling ball into it. eww.

Then xokinsey i want to say happy late birthday! And then you ask me if i purge. I do sometimes. If i have a binge and no ones home. I hate purging with my family in the house. But then i have done it before with them home. Only once. Mainly it was just to get rid of the full feeling. Personally, throwing up is not very glamorous. One of the many reasons I'm Ana not Mia. Also it's much worse for your health than starving. But if i feel i have to i do. But i try not to. Make sure if you do don't brush your teeth right away. Rinse with water, then wait 10 min to brush. If you brush right away the stomach acid will ruin your teeth faster. Also, I feel Ana gives me more control than purging. I haven't actually purged in a while. In my mind it's kinda of cheating. Like your fixing your mistake of binging. Usually when i binge, I'm so mad i think "You deserve to be fat for eating all that! Now your father from your goal, DEAL WITH IT. I hope you have fun ruining all of your hard work for those cookies and sweets. Now Riki, was it worth it?" Nope it never is, yet i still do it.
As for your next question you were asking about my laxies. The post were i originally first took them was my first time ever. It showed me how deep i was really in with Ana. I wouldn't really recommend using them all of the time, the make you bloat up and could have side effects. But if you decide to take the laxie path. READ THE BOX. In my rage that day i stupidly bought over night. It wasn't how i thought it was going to be. People are generally always home at my house so if i was constantly running to the bathroom, I'd think they would worry. hehe. If only they knew. So in my opinion i wouldn't really recommend it. It's not good for you and usually doesn't do much. it just gets rid of the food inside of you. Most of the time you get calories anyway from the food before the laxies can clean out out.

That's it for comments. To everyone who does comment I LOVE YOU! To my readers I LOVE YOU TOO!

Now i have one more thing. Yesterday after my binge my bro came up to my while i was doing dishes, poked my stomach and said "Some body's getting a pouch, fatty." and walked away. I almost cried. Then i went on my computer and looked at thinspo, i was on the verge of tears. Those girls were all so beautiful. I'm so fat and ugly compared to them. It made me want to lose so much weight. It will show my brother. The day i waste into nothingness I'll ask "Who has a pouch now?" hehe.

So that's all for now. Keep reading and commenting!
Ana luv to all of you!
~Riki Ana

Between

I hate the weather/season right now. It's in that crappy plateau of what i like to call Finter. It's too cold to be fall, yet still to warm to be winter. It's no longer the fresh, crisp fall scent in the air. Instead it's the smell of rotting leaves. Now everyone will wait for the first snow to fall, hopefully ending Finter, and letting the crisp, cool winter scent begin.

Today, i start my "fresh start plan" It is under 800 and I'm determined like hell to complete every goal for you guys. In the comments Thin is Perfection said she is lacking motivation. Well, that's where i was. You just lost the will power to continue. Well, try what i tried. Let yourself binge. And everyday get onto the scale and see the numbers rise. It's so disappointing. Like my Current weight of today 109. Bleh. Look at your body in the mirror. Notice the new 'curves' coming in. Go online and look for Thin models and Fat-asses. Decide which one you want. Every time you eat, let that beautiful Ana voice in your head take over. I hope my tips help.

If you guys want to send an email to me, I'm at Riki.Ana44@gmail.com. Send what ever you want tips, diet plans, thinspo, or just comments you didn't want to post here.
That's all for now my beauties.
Ana luv to all of you!
~Riki Ana
P.S. i saw a girl in school yesterday. She is living thinspiration. Her arms are TOOTHPICKS. Her entire body is sooo skinny. Her legs have like a 2 inch gap in between them! Finally. Everyone in my school is so fat with thunder thighs. Now at least when i walk in the halls, i can see some major thinspiration throughout the day. And i know one day, she'll envy me...