Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Today's weigh-in i am 108.5lbs!!
Finally below that 109,5!!!!!
Yesterday's total was
80 cals- banana
80 cals- of jello
So total 240 cals!
I think the jello saved me. I needed something sweet and tastey. Yesterday was like an 80 day. maybe a new diet maybe? The 80 diet! lmao
Yesterday I had an intense experience.
I walked in my kitchen and had a full intention of giving up and having some fries, but then I felt something odd. I felt such an intense hatred for myself, for eating, for giving up. I've never felt anything like it. It made me just walk right out of there. No food in hand. Odd.
It didn't happen for the rest of the night, maybe because I kept my ass out of the kitchen.
Then this morning i stripped till i was in my underwear and got on the scale. 108.5 flashed. i was soo happy. Then as i went to put my pants back on, i don't know how to describe it, i looked at my legs and it was almost a flash of thin. Like suddenly for a moment i had the legs I've always dreamed of. Then they suddenly turned back into my normal, large thighs and legs.
Can anyone else say odd?
Hmm, it was weird yet inspiring.
My body is currently SCREAMING at me for food. My mom is also making Cinnamon rolls. Mmmm i love those. i know if i have one i'll go on a binge fest. So i'm going to try to avoid it.
I'll think of all you guys out there.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Anyway, i'm starting to feel weak right now.
Like i'm not even that hungry but my mom brought home lots of goodies. *sigh*
So far today i've had
-80 calories of veggie soup
-80 calories of a banana
A good amount of food if you ask me.
I got on my scale and it says 109.5 but i was wearing all my clothing so maybe (i pray for) 108.5??
I think i just want to eat because i'm bored.
I'm sitting here re-reading the famous Ana Regzig blog. If you haven't read you should,
Now that girl is such a THINspiration.
She hasn't updated in FOREVER. Getting a little worried, cuz in last post she was forced into rehab. Hmm, i hope she's ok.....
Anyway, i loved reading your thoughts on the ABC diet.
i think i'm with you Ranna B, you all know how i am with sticking too a set calorie count.
I hope i stay strong for all of my followers! :)
Have any of you done it?
It would be my first time, i hear you lose crazy weight with it.
Anyway, i want to apologize to Kate.
i know that you are trying to show us what happened. I just read your latest post, and i want to let you know i will be reading. I should know what lies on the other side. And it's odd, i have most of the feelings you do... I look into that more. <3
Yesterday i was at a friends house, he got a treadmill for Christmas (fitness freak) so then i was running.
I never liked running but on a treadmill, AMAZING. Being inside of a nice temp. house no cold air burning your throat. LOVE IT!
I'm saving up to buy one. :)
It's weird, i have... i don't know what to call them. Possibly friends? On here who know more about my life then my best friend. You all know my secret, my internal fight, every fast, every tear, every fail. They know the happy Riki, the one they look up too.(Weird right?) They tell me that i have so much self-confidence, (yea right...) hmm......
Have you ever been in that path where you are doing good, then you get that first craving and you just tell yourself, Go ahead eat it. You're going to end up failing anyway.
That where i am.
Sorry for this jumbled mess. Had to get my thoughts out.
I'll most likely post again later,
Love, a confused
P.s. Kate, i hope your sister finds peace, as do you.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
It used to be different. Then she changed it to a recovery blog.
It was the most inspirational blog i've ever read.
Too bad it's gone now.
She made herself ana.
But then realized she didn't want it
I really can't read it now, i just can't. If it's the fact that it's about recovery or she's trying to tell us the truth, i just can't handle that right now. I plan to be ana forever, she is my friend and i plan to stick with her.
But if your looking to get out of Ana go to that blog, it might help.
As for me i'm still on my own Quest for Perfection.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Good News, i only gained 1 lb. I'm 110.5 right now.
Bad News, Now the holidays are over that means summer is approaching in a couple of months!
Gah! The time of bikinis and tank tops! And the most horrible thing of all. Shorts. *shutter*
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Hahaha. My new motivation. By June i want to be 95 lbs.
Let's make it happen!
So anyway, Today i'm going to the mall. Probably not going to eat. Going to do the whole, oh i already ate excuse.
I have to return a load of clothing. Which is going to suck with everyone else trying to return stuff also.
Have any of you ever had a Ferrero Rocher Chocolate? They are like crunchy on the outside with like truffle inside with a hazelnut. MMMMMM SOO GOOD!!!
My mom bought an entire box.
Oh yea she calmed down too. Seeing me eat dinner made her happy.
Another thing. With deaths in Ana. Ana is all about control, so if you die, you lost control along the way. People are able to live with Ana, all of those models and just normal people like you and me. Sure, we are still "normal" but we don't want to be. We want to be perfect, and we know how to get there.
Don't ruin your lives with it though.
One of my favorite blogger is recovered now, if you want to check her out.
It's a blog all about recovery.
I hope you all stay strong, and have a great day.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I know look at that Riki failed again.
BOO FUCKING WHOOO
I'll start over after the holidays. I'm not letting myself feel bad because it's my own fault. My weight is 109.5. 4.5lbs off.
Enough about my sad weight i have better things to tell you about
Ok so i think my mom is starting to get suspicious. Which is weird judging by the fact I've been binging around her constantly. We were talk about Britney Murphy *RIP* died and how it might be because she was anorexic/drug abuser. Stupidly I may have defended Ana a little.
I was like "Anorexia can't kill you, only if you starve to the point of organ failure. I say Anorexia with the combined drug use was too much for her heart."
My mom then said "Anorexia WILL KILL YOU. Not eating will kill you!" An other stuff of that nature. I my head i was like 'i can last days with out eating and not die so HAHAHA' But in my head.... lol
Then i put on my fav outfit. It makes me look skinner than normal. except for my fat ass thighs but those suck and are touching which pisses me off, but back on track.
Then my mom after she saw my outfit said "That makes you look like a bag of bones" to which i said "i think it looks cute" But on the inside i was saying "FUCK YEA!!!!"
Then she asked me what i ate yesterday. Which i shall never repeat. Too horrifying...
Then she said the sugar cookies i ate DON'T COUNT. Because they have little sugar because my foods teacher can't have a lot of sugar. Then that makes them have NO CALORIES. WHICH IS A LIE. Just because the sugar has decreased doesn't get rid of the BUTTER, EGGS, FLOUR, SUGAR WE PUT ON TOP. She just doesn't get calories. gah
Oh well, I'll make sure to start eating in front of her.
Oh yea i thought of something i found funny.
Christmas cookies/binges = Santa's gift to anorexics to make him feel better about himself.
hahaha so true.
Anyway, i happened to look at some random blog and it was for a girl who was committing suicide though Ana.
WHICH PISSED ME OFF! If you are doing that get off my blog right now. I find that so annoying. You go through all of this hard work, just to die. So stupid.
My rule is what's the point of being skinny if your dead. Which makes me do Ana in the healthiest way possible. So i can just balance myself on that razor thin line of perfection.
Sorry for ranting.......
Someone in the comments was saying how i must be mad since i was cursing. I curse a lot. I usually curse at least once in every post. i don't do it on purpose but it's the way i am.
I was very surprised to see that i had 30 followers. That just makes me want to work harder. Knowing more people are watching me fail makes me want to stay on track.
Love you all! I hope you enjoy the holidays, and stay away from those fattening treats.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
"Just 1 bite of that cookie wouldn't hurt..." So i went into the kitchen and took the cookie. One bite. Then another, and another. Then 3 more cookies, the some stuffing with gravy and a lot of other crap.
Just when i started to do good.
Well, no more.
Can i ask how the fuck did i gain so much in a 1 day binge..... Ugh that sounds bad.....
I don't really know my weight right now, i'm scared to weigh myself. It's going to be bad :(
So today, i'm fasting. Sundays are hard because my entire family is home today.
But right now i don't give a fuck.
It's too close to Christmas, I WILL BE AT 105 BY THEN. please let me be at 105 then.
If i'm forced to eat, i'll eat a tiny ass bowl of salad, ONLY LETTUCE.
Then tomorrow, let's hope i can still fast, if not the same lettuce deal.
Continued up intill Christmas.
Where it will be food city. Let's hope i stay strong then.
I'll update you guys once i weigh myself...
So how are you all doing...
It snowed a lot by me, so i'm stuck in the house all day. Maybe if the roads clear up, i can make my mom take me Christmas shopping for my friends.....
Have you ever had one of these moments, like you see a spider then turn around to get something to hit it with and then it's gone.... That just happened now i have no idea where it went.....
Ok yea, I HATE SPIDERS, i totally am terrified of them...
Cutting this post sort now,
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
This morning i was complaining how it sucked to throw up all night, and my mom was like "i don't know how those bulimics do it, throwing up after every meal, i hate throwing up." For the couple times I've purged after eating it's like different that being forced to throw up. Like, making yourself do it is almost graceful compared to having no control over throwing up....
But i don't really have much insight about that since I'm more Ana....
So i think i had somewhere around 250 cals...not bad. But at weigh in this morning i was at 113...hopefully it's water weight, it would make no sense since i barely ate anything yesterday.
After looking at the comments for the jumping jack things i also hope it's 1 cal per jumping jack....I'll have to look into it more.....
Tomorrow I'll might do the apple diet with a Clementine. It's 10 slices per Clementine so i could have 2 slices for breakfast, 2 slices for lunch, 2 slices for a snack, and and 4 slices for dinner... sounds pretty good, and around 60 cal. If i can do that till Christmas I'll probably be around 105.
So that's all for now.
Starve on my skinny bitches
Saturday, December 12, 2009
MY PERIOD IS OVER!!!!!
THANK THE LORD!
And today to thank that terrific news i'm fasting(Kinda). So far i've had water and a candy cane. (Peppermint curbs cravings)
Now i'm going to the mall, Yay clothing thinspo!!! Then if i'm forced to eat i'll get a low-cal taco at taco bell, so that's 150 cal..... Hopefully i'll get out of it though.....
Last time i went to the mall i tried on a dress and i couldn't get it off, i was too fat for it...... :(
Now i'm somewhere around 113.....Thanks for that period.
Man, i was a binge machine during my period.
Hey, have anyone of you guys heard this??? That everyone jumping jack burns 1 cal. I thought it would be less than that....but apparently not....so cool.
Lady Gaga's bad romance song is thinspo so check it out. It could represent out relationship with Ana.
I'll talk more later....
Love you all,
Monday, December 7, 2009
It's my stupid period. I'm spotting today, so i'll probably get it tommorrow or the next day. bleh. Today apparently my cravings came early. i was craving chocolate like an angry girl PMSing. Maybe because i haven't had it in so long because of my wieght now it's coming on full force.
Once it's done BACK ON TRACK, NO EXCUSES.
Not much to say. I had a good post planned out but now...meh.
Stupid chocolate sugar crash
Stupid fat ass me.
Good luck girls.
Sorry for the crappy post. It's just one of those days.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Yesterday i sat in a freezing stadium for the championship football game. I was so cold, i thought i was frozen to the effeing seat.
That night i had a pretzel, and a hot chocolate
But luckily no dinner
So hence me losing 2 lbs is because i froze my butt off ALL NIGHT. I walked in the door at midnight. My feet were sooooooo cold. Brrrrrr
My friends mom asked her if i had an eating probelm. Ha! Nope i'm just naturally skinny...... ;)
Why would she ask this while i'm a fat shit? Why not when i was at 103? WTF??? When i'm at 95, i wonder what she'll think then....hmmmmm
My mommy bought lots of goodies at the super market. Those devils trying to sneak their way into my body. Trying to make me fat. *shutter* If i can keep that thought i'll be perfect.
For some thinspo i decided to take my Teen Vouge and rip out all of the skinny model pages and put them on my wall. Now every morning when i wake up i see this beautiful girls staring back at me. And they all are wearing cute clothing so i can say i like the clothing. Then i put up a picture of a *plus size model* (fatty) on my wall to show me, what i could become if i ate, or what i could become if i starved. :) Try it out, believe me it helps.
So how are all of you my skinny minnies????????
I hope your doing good.
Sorry i haven't posted in a while...
To many people are home and Ana is a secret not a family event.
Ana luv to you.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
get more healthy fruits and veggies.
Eat no more than 500 cals a day.
Finish this routine by the end of each day
-200 star jumps
-200 sit ups
-1 hr of walking
Drink at least 6 bottles of water each day
NO JUNK FOOD
Focus on studying to show everyone i'm not a dumb ass