You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Thursday, December 31, 2009 i forgot

For those who read about the fast tomorrow that's been retracted.

I'm starting ABC tommorrow!!!!!!!!!

The first day is 500.

Anyone want to join????

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Good morning

Hello everyone.

Today's weigh-in i am 108.5lbs!!

Finally below that 109,5!!!!!

Yesterday's total was

80 cals-soup
80 cals- banana
80 cals- of jello
So total 240 cals!
I think the jello saved me. I needed something sweet and tastey. Yesterday was like an 80 day. maybe a new diet maybe? The 80 diet! lmao

Yesterday I had an intense experience.
I walked in my kitchen and had a full intention of giving up and having some fries, but then I felt something odd. I felt such an intense hatred for myself, for eating, for giving up. I've never felt anything like it. It made me just walk right out of there. No food in hand. Odd.
It didn't happen for the rest of the night, maybe because I kept my ass out of the kitchen.

Then this morning i stripped till i was in my underwear and got on the scale. 108.5 flashed. i was soo happy. Then as i went to put my pants back on, i don't know how to describe it, i looked at my legs and it was almost a flash of thin. Like suddenly for a moment i had the legs I've always dreamed of. Then they suddenly turned back into my normal, large thighs and legs.

Can anyone else say odd?

Hmm, it was weird yet inspiring.

My body is currently SCREAMING at me for food. My mom is also making Cinnamon rolls. Mmmm i love those. i know if i have one i'll go on a binge fest. So i'm going to try to avoid it.

I'll think of all you guys out there.
Stay Strong,
~Riki Ana

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

2nd post of the day

If you didn't read the first one, scroll down please! :)

Anyway, i'm starting to feel weak right now.

Like i'm not even that hungry but my mom brought home lots of goodies. *sigh*

So far today i've had

-80 calories of veggie soup
-80 calories of a banana

A good amount of food if you ask me.

I got on my scale and it says 109.5 but i was wearing all my clothing so maybe (i pray for) 108.5??

I think i just want to eat because i'm bored.

I'm sitting here re-reading the famous Ana Regzig blog. If you haven't read you should,

Now that girl is such a THINspiration.

She hasn't updated in FOREVER. Getting a little worried, cuz in last post she was forced into rehab. Hmm, i hope she's ok.....

Anyway, i loved reading your thoughts on the ABC diet.

i think i'm with you Ranna B, you all know how i am with sticking too a set calorie count.

I hope i stay strong for all of my followers! :)

~Riki Ana

New year, new me

Ok huns, so i plan to restrict/fast in till new year, Then i might to the ABC diet.
Have any of you done it?
It would be my first time, i hear you lose crazy weight with it.

Anyway, i want to apologize to Kate.

i know that you are trying to show us what happened. I just read your latest post, and i want to let you know i will be reading. I should know what lies on the other side. And it's odd, i have most of the feelings you do... I look into that more. <3

Yesterday i was at a friends house, he got a treadmill for Christmas (fitness freak) so then i was running.
I never liked running but on a treadmill, AMAZING. Being inside of a nice temp. house no cold air burning your throat. LOVE IT!

I'm saving up to buy one. :)

It's weird, i have... i don't know what to call them. Possibly friends? On here who know more about my life then my best friend. You all know my secret, my internal fight, every fast, every tear, every fail. They know the happy Riki, the one they look up too.(Weird right?) They tell me that i have so much self-confidence, (yea right...) hmm......


Have you ever been in that path where you are doing good, then you get that first craving and you just tell yourself, Go ahead eat it. You're going to end up failing anyway.
That where i am.

Sorry for this jumbled mess. Had to get my thoughts out.

I'll most likely post again later,

Love, a confused
~Riki Ana

P.s. Kate, i hope your sister finds peace, as do you.

Sunday, December 27, 2009


ok so short post. Someone asked about why i like quest for perfection.

It used to be different. Then she changed it to a recovery blog.

It was the most inspirational blog i've ever read.

Too bad it's gone now.

She made herself ana.
She succeeded.
But then realized she didn't want it
I really can't read it now, i just can't. If it's the fact that it's about recovery or she's trying to tell us the truth, i just can't handle that right now. I plan to be ana forever, she is my friend and i plan to stick with her.

But if your looking to get out of Ana go to that blog, it might help.

As for me i'm still on my own Quest for Perfection.

~Riki Ana

Saturday, December 26, 2009


I have good news, and i have bad news.

Good News, i only gained 1 lb. I'm 110.5 right now.

Bad News, Now the holidays are over that means summer is approaching in a couple of months!
Gah! The time of bikinis and tank tops! And the most horrible thing of all. Shorts. *shutter*


Hahaha. My new motivation. By June i want to be 95 lbs.
Let's make it happen!

So anyway, Today i'm going to the mall. Probably not going to eat. Going to do the whole, oh i already ate excuse.

I have to return a load of clothing. Which is going to suck with everyone else trying to return stuff also.

Have any of you ever had a Ferrero Rocher Chocolate? They are like crunchy on the outside with like truffle inside with a hazelnut. MMMMMM SOO GOOD!!!
My mom bought an entire box.

Oh yea she calmed down too. Seeing me eat dinner made her happy.

Another thing. With deaths in Ana. Ana is all about control, so if you die, you lost control along the way. People are able to live with Ana, all of those models and just normal people like you and me. Sure, we are still "normal" but we don't want to be. We want to be perfect, and we know how to get there.

Don't ruin your lives with it though.

One of my favorite blogger is recovered now, if you want to check her out.

It's a blog all about recovery.


I hope you all stay strong, and have a great day.
~Riki Ana

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas....Happy Holidays!

So i hope everyone is doing good...cuz i'm not.

I know look at that Riki failed again.


I'll start over after the holidays. I'm not letting myself feel bad because it's my own fault. My weight is 109.5. 4.5lbs off.

Enough about my sad weight i have better things to tell you about


Ok so i think my mom is starting to get suspicious. Which is weird judging by the fact I've been binging around her constantly. We were talk about Britney Murphy *RIP* died and how it might be because she was anorexic/drug abuser. Stupidly I may have defended Ana a little.

I was like "Anorexia can't kill you, only if you starve to the point of organ failure. I say Anorexia with the combined drug use was too much for her heart."

My mom then said "Anorexia WILL KILL YOU. Not eating will kill you!" An other stuff of that nature. I my head i was like 'i can last days with out eating and not die so HAHAHA' But in my head.... lol

Then i put on my fav outfit. It makes me look skinner than normal. except for my fat ass thighs but those suck and are touching which pisses me off, but back on track.

Then my mom after she saw my outfit said "That makes you look like a bag of bones" to which i said "i think it looks cute" But on the inside i was saying "FUCK YEA!!!!"

Then she asked me what i ate yesterday. Which i shall never repeat. Too horrifying...

Then she said the sugar cookies i ate DON'T COUNT. Because they have little sugar because my foods teacher can't have a lot of sugar. Then that makes them have NO CALORIES. WHICH IS A LIE. Just because the sugar has decreased doesn't get rid of the BUTTER, EGGS, FLOUR, SUGAR WE PUT ON TOP. She just doesn't get calories. gah

Oh well, I'll make sure to start eating in front of her.

Oh yea i thought of something i found funny.

Christmas cookies/binges = Santa's gift to anorexics to make him feel better about himself.

hahaha so true.

Anyway, i happened to look at some random blog and it was for a girl who was committing suicide though Ana.

WHICH PISSED ME OFF! If you are doing that get off my blog right now. I find that so annoying. You go through all of this hard work, just to die. So stupid.

My rule is what's the point of being skinny if your dead. Which makes me do Ana in the healthiest way possible. So i can just balance myself on that razor thin line of perfection.

Sorry for ranting.......

Someone in the comments was saying how i must be mad since i was cursing. I curse a lot. I usually curse at least once in every post. i don't do it on purpose but it's the way i am.

I was very surprised to see that i had 30 followers. That just makes me want to work harder. Knowing more people are watching me fail makes me want to stay on track.

Love you all! I hope you enjoy the holidays, and stay away from those fattening treats.

Starve on,

~Riki Ana

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Just one bite...

"You're doing so well!" I told myself. I was fasting all day and doing great.
"Just 1 bite of that cookie wouldn't hurt..." So i went into the kitchen and took the cookie. One bite. Then another, and another. Then 3 more cookies, the some stuffing with gravy and a lot of other crap.


Just when i started to do good.

Well, no more.

Can i ask how the fuck did i gain so much in a 1 day binge..... Ugh that sounds bad.....

I don't really know my weight right now, i'm scared to weigh myself. It's going to be bad :(

So today, i'm fasting. Sundays are hard because my entire family is home today.
But right now i don't give a fuck.
It's too close to Christmas, I WILL BE AT 105 BY THEN. please let me be at 105 then.

If i'm forced to eat, i'll eat a tiny ass bowl of salad, ONLY LETTUCE.
Then tomorrow, let's hope i can still fast, if not the same lettuce deal.
Continued up intill Christmas.
Where it will be food city. Let's hope i stay strong then.

I'll update you guys once i weigh myself...

So how are you all doing...

It snowed a lot by me, so i'm stuck in the house all day. Maybe if the roads clear up, i can make my mom take me Christmas shopping for my friends.....

Have you ever had one of these moments, like you see a spider then turn around to get something to hit it with and then it's gone.... That just happened now i have no idea where it went.....

Ok yea, I HATE SPIDERS, i totally am terrified of them...

Cutting this post sort now,
~Riki Ana

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

You see me now....

And now you don't.....

That is one of my favorite phrases, don't ask my why. I just love it. I relate it to Ana now, like how today we are fat enough for everyone to see, but tomorrow we hope we lose more and disappear...

Well, not totally, but you get what i mean.

I'm not sick anymore!!!! But since i barely ate because i was so sick my body is now used to it so i'm running on a little more that nothing. Yesterday i ate around.... 420 cals.... not to bad if i say so myself. You guys know my track record, THIS IS GREAT!

Finally i can restrict. You all know how i suck at restricting. But this stomach flu, kick started me into it, and now i'm happy!

Today i'm at 109.5 Damn that .5
Tonight my family is going out to dinner, looks like i'm going to fast all day and (hopefully) barely eat then.... Let's hope 'my tummy still kinda hurts if i eat too much' excuse.... hmm
Ok, i got a question about the apple diet.
What it is, you take an apple then you cut it up from anywhere from 8-10 pieces depending on how many you want. (I prefer 10...)

Then you eat 2 slices for breakfast.

Then 2 for lunch.

Then 2 for a snack,

Then 4 for dinner. (If you cut 8 it's 2)

I like cutting it up tinnier because I need more at night, the more slices (even though it's actually smaller) will trick my brain into thinking i've eaten more.

You can replace the apple with any fruit of your choice. Make sure it's a fruit.

I prefer apples, oranges, and clementines.

if you start off i would use a bigger apple and work your way down to the tiny ones.

This takes self-control. If you find this too hard eat 1 whole apple in the morning an 1 whole apple at night. You want to avoid binging.

So i hope i explained it good.

It's interesting to hear about your thoughts on the whole throwing up/control thing. Just not having control over it... ugh

Anyway, so i have to go clean :(

So one more thing.

To make me happy,

100 Jumping Jacks


~Riki Ana

Monday, December 14, 2009

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

How weird is it that I'm not even hungry. AT ALL!!! On Saturday night i got the stomach flu and was throwing up all night. It was horrible. The next morning i lost 2 lbs bringing me down to 112. Then yesterday i was fasting because my stomach hurt, i only had a bowl of crackers the entire day. Today is going to be pretty much the same.

This morning i was complaining how it sucked to throw up all night, and my mom was like "i don't know how those bulimics do it, throwing up after every meal, i hate throwing up." For the couple times I've purged after eating it's like different that being forced to throw up. Like, making yourself do it is almost graceful compared to having no control over throwing up....
But i don't really have much insight about that since I'm more Ana....

So i think i had somewhere around 250 cals...not bad. But at weigh in this morning i was at 113...hopefully it's water weight, it would make no sense since i barely ate anything yesterday.

After looking at the comments for the jumping jack things i also hope it's 1 cal per jumping jack....I'll have to look into it more.....


Tomorrow I'll might do the apple diet with a Clementine. It's 10 slices per Clementine so i could have 2 slices for breakfast, 2 slices for lunch, 2 slices for a snack, and and 4 slices for dinner... sounds pretty good, and around 60 cal. If i can do that till Christmas I'll probably be around 105.

So that's all for now.
Starve on my skinny bitches
~Riki Ana

Saturday, December 12, 2009

What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger.

How are you all today????

I'm great.



And today to thank that terrific news i'm fasting(Kinda). So far i've had water and a candy cane. (Peppermint curbs cravings)

Now i'm going to the mall, Yay clothing thinspo!!! Then if i'm forced to eat i'll get a low-cal taco at taco bell, so that's 150 cal..... Hopefully i'll get out of it though.....

Last time i went to the mall i tried on a dress and i couldn't get it off, i was too fat for it...... :(

Oh well,

Now i'm somewhere around 113.....Thanks for that period.
Man, i was a binge machine during my period.

Hey, have anyone of you guys heard this??? That everyone jumping jack burns 1 cal. I thought it would be less than that....but apparently cool.

Lady Gaga's bad romance song is thinspo so check it out. It could represent out relationship with Ana.

I'll talk more later....

Love you all,
~Riki Ana
Starve on

Monday, December 7, 2009


meh. that's how i feel. Not good not bad. I'm not really in Ana mode right now. i thought i was, but appartly not. Not too upset though. Usually i hate myself for eating, but today....meh. I did bad, but whatever.

It's my stupid period. I'm spotting today, so i'll probably get it tommorrow or the next day. bleh. Today apparently my cravings came early. i was craving chocolate like an angry girl PMSing. Maybe because i haven't had it in so long because of my wieght now it's coming on full force.


Not much to say. I had a good post planned out but now...meh.

Maybe later....

Stupid chocolate sugar crash
Stupid period
Stupid weight
Stupid fat ass me.

Good luck girls.

Stay Strong.

Sorry for the crappy post. It's just one of those days.

~Riki Ana

Sunday, December 6, 2009

DOWN 2LBS!!!!!!!!

Yay! Today at my weigh-in i am 112.5 lbs! Now if this was a couple of weeks ago I'd flip shit at this number but at staying at a fat 115, this is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now today is the 6th, so how low can i get by Christmas......At Thanksgiving i was at 113 or 114, imagine my family's faces when on Christmas day i walk in at 105 or maybe 102! IT WOULD BE AWESOME! New motivation, Check. :)

Yesterday i sat in a freezing stadium for the championship football game. I was so cold, i thought i was frozen to the effeing seat.

That night i had a pretzel, and a hot chocolate

But luckily no dinner

So hence me losing 2 lbs is because i froze my butt off ALL NIGHT. I walked in the door at midnight. My feet were sooooooo cold. Brrrrrr

My friends mom asked her if i had an eating probelm. Ha! Nope i'm just naturally skinny...... ;)
Why would she ask this while i'm a fat shit? Why not when i was at 103? WTF??? When i'm at 95, i wonder what she'll think then....hmmmmm

My mommy bought lots of goodies at the super market. Those devils trying to sneak their way into my body. Trying to make me fat. *shutter* If i can keep that thought i'll be perfect.

For some thinspo i decided to take my Teen Vouge and rip out all of the skinny model pages and put them on my wall. Now every morning when i wake up i see this beautiful girls staring back at me. And they all are wearing cute clothing so i can say i like the clothing. Then i put up a picture of a *plus size model* (fatty) on my wall to show me, what i could become if i ate, or what i could become if i starved. :) Try it out, believe me it helps.

So how are all of you my skinny minnies????????
I hope your doing good.
Sorry i haven't posted in a while...
To many people are home and Ana is a secret not a family event.

Ana luv to you.
~Riki Ana
Starve on

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

So...i suck....yep

Well, as you see the title, i suck. Greatly. Yea i've been ding a lot lot of binging. I've been destroying myself with food. Can i ask a question? WHY DO I LOOK SKINNIER AT 115 THAN AT 109???WTF Like you could see my ribs and i had a flatter tummy, so wtf?

Whatever, at 95 i'll look perfect....

So tomorrow i'm going to make it a final binge day. I know gross. But it will help me in the long run. Then i'm going to go food shopping. I'm going to buy fruits and low cal stuff. so that's good.

here's my plan...

get more healthy fruits and veggies.
Eat no more than 500 cals a day.
Finish this routine by the end of each day
-200 star jumps
-200 sit ups
-200 crunches
-1 hr of walking
Drink at least 6 bottles of water each day
Focus on studying to show everyone i'm not a dumb ass


Yep, i've actually brought my grade up in world history but my mom doesn't believe me

The teacher even told the class that i'm been doing fabulously and that you can bring up you're grade if you try.

But apparently i'm lying.



Anyway, I feel all bloated and gross. I feel like i'm going to get my period soon. My weight is pretty much near "normal" so i wouldn't doubt it. It would be nice to know that in my quest for perfection i didn't harm my babymaker. (Sorry if it is TMI lol) Anyway.....


Yep. Oh yea i read a funny thing. Some one's signature was

Eatin's Cheatin

It rhythms and anything that rhythms sticks in my head so it will help me lol.

I really want to fast but i'm going to wait in till i regain control.

Thank you all for commenting. It's annoying how much pressure is put on us and for the littlest things we get reprimanded. We need some way to cope, which 'some' say is why ED occurs. But why should they care? We are becoming perfect, is that a bad thing? Nope. So be quiet while i shrink away.

Ana luv to you.

Starve On, and Think Thin

~Riki Ana