You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

To all who read i would like to say a Happy Halloween to you. I hope you are all doing well, meeting your goals, and hiding your secrets. I will now start my venting/rant...
normal for other people is eating "healthy meals" throughout the day.

Normal for me is Avoiding food all day.

Normal people are enjoying food.

Normal for me is hating food.

Normal people eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full.

Normal for me is always being hungry and hating being full.

So what is normal for other people is NOT normal for me.

Why would i want to be their "normal"

My normal gives me results.

My normal makes me happy.

My normal gives me control.

So why did i give it up?

The first day of my fast i came home. I wrote an update. Then i don't know what but Ana took a break. Bad Idea. I thought " why do this? Let me be normal!" So i ate. and ate. and you quessed it ate. I ballooned. I thought "Normal is good. Normal is good. NORMAL FOR OTHERS SUCKS! ugh. Who the fuck wants to be a fatty!?!?! Apparently i did. Not anymore. Today is Halloween. Thank god. I will look like a fat pig in my dress. I know i look fat from a couple days of "normal eating" Yesterday i was wearing an orange sweat shirt and i got called a fat pumpkin. She said she was joking, but you know that's what she really thinks. I'm up a couple pounds. My ribs are back in hiding. My pelvic bones are going from mountains, to tiny hills slowing sinking back in. My belly looks like someone shoved a bowling ball in it. I look gross.

You know what's weird. Even during "normal eating" I still wore my pro Ana bracelet. I always wear it everyday now it's just a habit. Like my ED. Every time i shoved food into my undeserving body i looked it it. I said horrible things i did the calorie content. Then i would say. "Be normal" well I'm sick of other people's normal. I'm ready for MY normal. I'm back, and i will make Ana and all of you guys proud.
So enjoy you Halloween. Be strong and avoid those fattening sweets. As for me I'll have my cup of green tea. I hope you all look amazing in your costumes and outfits. So good luck and you'll be hearing from me.
~Riki Ana

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Doing good.

So far my first day of my 3 day fast is going good. The first day is always the hardest on me. So i just got back from a 40min jog/walk. hopefully burned some calories. I have only had a v8 fusion today that's 140 calories and water. I always get bad headaches the first day of fasting. A downside sure, but when I'm stick thin i don't think the head aches will matter much. I plan on walking to get some diet green tea later. And then my work out.
Walk-30-40 mins
100-side crunches
100- arm toners
100- leg lifts

Let's hope i burn some major calories.

I hate being home during a fast so much temptation. I know it's bad when i start reasoning in why i deserve those chips. But then i snap out of it and Ana reminds me of our goal. 95 lbs here i come. Well, right now i just want 102. But someday i will be 95. If you start reasoning with yourself like i do try my trick. I will sit down, and kinda bend over little and look at your stomach. it will make you look bloated and give the illusion of rolls. It puts me in check of what would i rather become, the skinny girl standing up, or the fat girl sitting down.....
That's all for now my skinny bitches.
Stay Strong and Think Thin
~Riki Ana

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Ok to everyone who reads i know i've been doing really crappy in not eating lately. Well, i want to make a promise to you guys i will NOT break my three day fast tommorrow. You guys are my thinspriation.
~Riki Ana!


Ugh. To you that commented i want to say thanks so much! To Yum i want to say i wish i had your advice earlier today. I was doing fantastic till lunch then i bought a 140 calorie oat bar thingy. I ate it, then i bought another one and ate it too. Once i got home i had a chicken cutlet thingy and a pizza for one. Ugh I'm such a fat ass. I suck so much at restricting. With Fasting at least the hunger numbs and i can think away from it with restricting all i want is more, more, more!
Tomorrow i start my 3 day fast. Thank god. Hopefully i will not look like a pig in my dress. I'm thinking I'm going to try a 4 day fast. It would be my first. I've never gone past 3 days, but i really want to do a 4 day fast right before Thanksgiving so i don't lose it at the table.
For my next restricting after my fast I'm going to make sure i get a lot of fruit and veggies instead of the fatty crap i have in my house.
Oh yea i have a doctor's appointment in 10 minutes! I hope all the crap in my stomach gives me a few lbs to hide behind. OMG i can finally see the ribs in between my boobs! I noticed yesterday it is amazing. I'm so happy. i can finally see some results!
To Everyone reading...
Stay Strong and Think Thin
~Riki Ana!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm such a Failure.

Today sucked so much. First as you know it's a under 200 day, so i went and had a piece of toast-70, then i don't know what happened but i started to binge, i then had a cupcake-150, some crackers-210,Cinnamon roll-150 left over from yesterday and some dinosaur chicken nuggets-185. Then i got that full feeling and threw up most of it. So then off to school. At lunch i had a M&M cookie-? some french fries-?and a V8 i felt so bad THEN i had a class and then after that class i had History. I found out I'm failing. I have a 62. WTF ugh. Then i got home and felt like i didn't 'deserved to be skinny' So i had a major binge, I then got that full feeling and immediately threw up and took a laxie. Yes, it's the over-night brand. I only took one though. That's why i like them. They are good when you have binges and want to feel emptier. Like your supposed to take 2-3 then they will do umm their job. But if you take one it's easier on you and it help regulate your system.
Anyway. I want to say sorry, for not sticking to my diet. To make up for it tomorrow is a under 100 day, then i start fasting. Thank god. After a binge i cannot wait for my next fast. I know it's supposed to be under 200 but i don't deserve that many calories after today. I'm so weak.
Stay Strong unlike me
Forgive me
~Riki Ana

Monday, October 26, 2009

Bones for Halloween

Ok, Sorry that this post is late. After my walk i had to walk my dog to avoid dinner and never got to it sorry. So anyway this my new diet to get myself in shape for Halloween.
So Here is the basics.
Tuesday-under 200
Wednesday-under 200
Friday- Fast
Saturday(Halloween)- Fast.
Since I'm walking around all day i can avoid temptation. Also it's a great workout ;)
If you want to join go ahead. Since it's Monday and if you already ate just make the fast day tommorrow and the under 200 today.
My Fast today has been going great. My mom is literally trying to set me up to fail. This morning guess what Breakfast was!?! Chocolate Chip COOKIES and CINNAMON BUNS! Wtf! But i avoided it. I drank my water had a little of coke zero, ate my vitamins and went off to school. I had a stick of gum for lunch, and after school i had a diet Snapple. Now I'm going to walk to the store and get a green tea, then walk around town.
I'm don't want the empty feeling to end. But to stick to my plan i have two eating days then a three day fast. Hopefully I'm at my first goal of 102 buy Saturday or Sunday. I'm off to get my Tea now so Bye My Skinny Minnie's!
Stay Strong and Think Thin
~Riki Ana

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Nightmares, and workouts

Last night i woke up with such a shock. I had a dream that my sister called me over and said she had to ask me something. I thought she found my laxes or something. i run into my room to see my ED diary open. Fuck. She read everything. It's pretty scary in there. Now she knows. I woke up sitting face up sweating. It's my worst fear. Being caught. I reach under my bed and grab my diary, i can't see anything but the written pages are slighty darker. I rip out all the written pages and shove them in the pocket of my PJ's. They are still in my pocket. I plan to flush them down the toilet, or burn them.
Today is a sad day. My mom being the flippy floper kind of person she is is taking me to the doctor tommorrow. I was eating normaly today but now i feel gross and bloated. So i'm skipping dinner. I'm going for a walk soon. So that takes up 4 hrs of my day. Hopefully i can walk untill i miss dinner. Oops. ;)
Sorry for the short post. I'm going to be putting up a new diet thingy later today. It's called Bones for Halloween. It's so then i'm a skinny minnie for halloween, and in my dress my ribs will finally make thier apperance. So more on that later.
Think Thin, and Stay Strong.
~Riki Ana

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Rain, Rain go away so i may run my fat away.

I hate the rain. It messes up my work-outs. If only i had a car and a gym membership.
Anyway. Since it is raining here i cannot go and get my Ana stuff. (Coke zeroes, vitamins, etc...) ugh i just want to walk around town forever. Let myself shrink down in my size 5 jeans till i am just a stick figure that you can't see when i turn sideways. If only. Today would have been fantastic if my mom didn't ruin my 3 day fast on Friday. From Weds- Fri i didn't eat a single bite. Food Free! I was one pound away from my first goal weight if 102. Then my mom said that dreaded word doctor. I dropped 15 lbs since my last visit. She would notice for sure. I literally grabbed any food in site all day. My stomach and brain pleaded for me to stop. But i couldn't. I really wanted to too. Then by the end of the day i was at 111. Safe zone hopefully. The i got a call. My mom cancelled the appointment. She said i didn't need to go after all. Since my mom hates doctors i never go unless I'm dying or something. FML. I gained 8 lbs FOR NOTHING. Now here in my house a day later. Laxes still cleaning me out, but the calories stuck in me because i bought the wrong kind in my rush. Stupid overnight brand. ugh. Now I'm stuck in my house all alone doing crunches and walking around the table hoping to burn something.
To everyone out there
Starve on, and Think thin.
~Riki Ana


What is beautiful? Is it pretty eyes? Is it long flowing hair? Is it confidence? Well, to me being beautiful only has ONE requirement. And that is skinny.
Fellow Pro Ana's you know what I'm talking about. The girl that can float across streets. The Girl that can say 'No thank you' to food offered.
The girl i want to be.
And i will become her.
Even if it kills me.
~Riki Ana