You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

To all who read i would like to say a Happy Halloween to you. I hope you are all doing well, meeting your goals, and hiding your secrets. I will now start my venting/rant...
normal for other people is eating "healthy meals" throughout the day.

Normal for me is Avoiding food all day.

Normal people are enjoying food.

Normal for me is hating food.

Normal people eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full.

Normal for me is always being hungry and hating being full.

So what is normal for other people is NOT normal for me.

Why would i want to be their "normal"

My normal gives me results.

My normal makes me happy.

My normal gives me control.

So why did i give it up?

The first day of my fast i came home. I wrote an update. Then i don't know what but Ana took a break. Bad Idea. I thought " why do this? Let me be normal!" So i ate. and ate. and you quessed it ate. I ballooned. I thought "Normal is good. Normal is good. NORMAL FOR OTHERS SUCKS! ugh. Who the fuck wants to be a fatty!?!?! Apparently i did. Not anymore. Today is Halloween. Thank god. I will look like a fat pig in my dress. I know i look fat from a couple days of "normal eating" Yesterday i was wearing an orange sweat shirt and i got called a fat pumpkin. She said she was joking, but you know that's what she really thinks. I'm up a couple pounds. My ribs are back in hiding. My pelvic bones are going from mountains, to tiny hills slowing sinking back in. My belly looks like someone shoved a bowling ball in it. I look gross.

You know what's weird. Even during "normal eating" I still wore my pro Ana bracelet. I always wear it everyday now it's just a habit. Like my ED. Every time i shoved food into my undeserving body i looked it it. I said horrible things i did the calorie content. Then i would say. "Be normal" well I'm sick of other people's normal. I'm ready for MY normal. I'm back, and i will make Ana and all of you guys proud.
So enjoy you Halloween. Be strong and avoid those fattening sweets. As for me I'll have my cup of green tea. I hope you all look amazing in your costumes and outfits. So good luck and you'll be hearing from me.
~Riki Ana

1 comment:

  1. I've done horrible the past 3 days, which I said I was going to do good, so I will also be looking like a fatty in my costume. :/ You're definitely not alone. You've inspired me to get back on track and do good though, which will be so hard to do tonight because of all that candy! Ugh.