You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I've come to far to take orders from cookies.

I'm so effing sick it's not even funny. That's the one crappy thing about Ana, you get sicker more often. At least i do. Ugh. This weekend sucked, sucked, sucked. I want to rant till my fingers are numb, but i don't want to put you guys through that. So i'll shorten it...


bleh i don't know what happened. Every time i look in the mirror i hate what i see. But it's like i have two sides that fight all the time to see who will control me.

There is the Ana side. Pure, gentle, Perfect. She has here claws out and is trying to help me. That hunger pain means perfection is on it's way. i love being hungry, Ana does too. But the other side doesn't....

The other side is my "normal" side. The one that craves the cookies, cakes and other crap that poisons my body with fat and calories. This one talks to me in a sugary light tone begging me to have 'just one' cookie, etc... It's never just one though. "Riki, come one. You loved pizza. It's your favorite. I promise it will not make you fat. Would i lie to you?" yes, yes you would. And you always do. This one drowns out Ana's pleas and screams while i shove food into myself.

I don't even want to be normal. I don't want to be fat! I WANT CONTROL. and now i don't have anything. I'm obviously not normal, Of course i'm fat from listening to my fucking normal side, and i have no control in what i do. Ana weeps. The normal side moans. I am numb.

I don't even want the food. Being sick makes me not hungry at all. But yet i still do. My mother is a hawk when i'm sick. I'm weak. I'm fat. Yet everyone says i'm 'thin' I don't know who they see but they obviously are lying. My face is puffy and gross from being sick. I look horrible.

There is a war going on inside of me.
Ana vs Normality
They want the control.
I need control
I know if i fast i'll fail.
I suck at restricting.
I'm a fatty fatty fat blob
I want Ana to win.
Yet the food i crave is begging for Norma to win.
I don't know how to make it end.

I know you all are probably better at this than me. Tell me how to make the madness stop. How to regain control. I want to walk on snow and leave no foot prints. Yet i want that cookie. I've come to far to take orders from a cookie. Yet I still do.


Thanks for reading my rant. Please comment.

Now back to the blog.
Someone asked if i had a goal weight.
I do. It's in the stats bar underneath the thinspo banner thing.
If you can't find it i'm currently this.
Height- 5'4''

Thanks for reading
Ana luv to you.

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