2nd post of the day

This song is litterally written about me, it describes me perfectly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_oMD6-6q5Y

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop

Guess what? I'm not a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

My life, exactly.

I think i have some sort of mental problem. Like I repress a lot of shit, that's how i can describe it. If something bothers me i ignore it, which causes me to have random breakdowns every once in a while. Where i just cry all day, thinking about what a horriable person i am. The last one was just after school ended...

I can feel another one coming.

I just bottle everything up,
untill
i
explode.

And i just know i am, and im scared.

I don't know if i can mentally handle another breakdown.

We will see.
~*~
My last breakdown, i cried to my sister. I told her how much i hated myself, and everything. Obviously leaving out a lot of shit.
She's always asking me if im going to change and go back to be person i was. The kind, loving child i once was.

Being 100 % truthful, i can't go back. It's not because i don't want to. It's because i don't even remember who that person is. I have a bitchy hard shell with a liquid inside of depressed, guilty, angry goop.

Sometimes i hate myself, and i wanna change. But there's no going back, and i can't be the happy person i once was. I have fucked myself over to the point where i think i need professional help.

Maybe Ana can be my therapist for now.

Stay Strong girls, maybe one day everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.

maybe...

how much hope can i have in a maybe?

Love,
~Riki Ana