You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Ana? Where are you?

I miss her voice. I don't hear it as often as i used too. You all know what I'm saying. That tiny hiss from inside you. Don't eat that. The voice that makes you run to the scale. You fat pig. The voice that makes you examine every inch of you skin. Look at yourself. No wonder you have no friends. They probably can't stand the sight of you. The voice that gives you hope. You're so close to your goal weight! Keep going, I know you can do it!!!

I think she's pissed at me. I've been eating way too much. Though i lost a pound. She'll come back, once she see's how strong i am. :D

Anyway, creepy rambling aside. I feel so defeated. Like i can't do anything right.


I'm sick of sadness. I'm sick of depression. I just want to be happy. Which i am.... Kind of. I feel like people are never truly happy. We always have that dread in the back of our mind. Those bills coming up, the baby is sick, i'm failing this class, how can i take my family on vacation, i have to get that project done, etc.

We are stressed, but that's life. In drama class someone read this monologue that made me think. It was all about how you shouldn't focus on being happy. No, you can't obtain happy. You should just try to be ok.

And you know what?

I think, i'm ok.

I'm not happy, i'm not sad. At this very moment, i feel ok. No more defeated attitude. I'm ok, i'm not exactly sure what that means, or the consequences of that feeling are, but i'm ready to see.

In OhMyGosh's blog awhile back she said something very true.
"As I mentioned a few posts back, McDonald’s has a billboard that is all red with a box of fries on it. The only thing it says is, “Box of Happiness.” Fuck you, McDonald’s, but you’re right. Your fries would have made me happy for a second but then I would have hated myself for the rest of the week. Right… a moment on the lips, forever on the hips."

When I eat, it makes me feel better. The taste and smell of food makes me forget my worries....for a moment. Then i feel bloated and fat. Also i get the joy of looking at the scale the next day which is flippen fantastic. But it has too stop. I need something else to ake me feel better... instead of food.

My friend B is depressed. I'm really upset that i can't help her. She's gone through a lot of shit in her short life so far. More than some have to experience in a lifetime. I'm scared. In 8th grade she was going to kill herself. Luckily my other friend C and I were talking to her all day trying to lift her spirits. I thank god it worked.

She told me this year that if we weren't there, she wouldn't be here today.

It breaks my heart that she's hurting. I wish there was someway to take her pain. I hate seeing people being hurt. I would rather have her pain then let her have to deal with it. My cousin always says I would give someone what they needed even if it ment giving it up myself.

She was crying all day on Friday. Going to the bathroom to cry. Not talking, and moving away when we got close.

I hate to see her sad. I wish it was at a person so at least i could hit them or something.

She's hurting herself emotionally, and maybe psychically. She said she hasn't done it since last year but who knows.

I'm so fucking hypocritical. I'm technically hurting myself by not eating, but she can't hurt herself other ways. It's always different for someone else instead of yourself.

I just want her to be happy, even if i can't be it myself. "I'm the type of girl that be so hurt but still look at you and smile. The type of girl that will brighten your day, even if i can't brighten my own."

~Riki Ana

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad I've found your blog - I panicked when "Blog not found" flashed across my screen. So happy to be reading again and I hope your friend is getting happier.