Once you feel weak and dizzy your almost there.

SO much shit has happened its crazy. My beautiful blog has been forgotten, i must change that. but first let me tell you all about whats been happening in the shit storm called my life.
~*~
First, I've been a veryyyyy verry bad girl lately. Santa will be giving me a ginormous lump of coal for Christmas. I did some very bad, illegal things that of which i will not go into detail, bc i didn't get caught. so hell yeah on that part, but sad face bc my entire family found out what i did. Which caused me to attempt suicide. I sat in my closet and swallowed two handfuls of Advil. Then i went to bed. You think that would have done the job but i woke up, so i guess that's good. My depression has hit a new high lately. i barely want to pull myself out of bed and when i do it's for school and to get high, weed and spice are my life. i love spice, i trip balls but i know it's stupid for me to do. Imma try to do better......

Next, I'm forced to see a psychologist. Why, might you ask? Well, i decided to call out of work (i got fired bc of it) and go clubbing at a teen club, most annoying part? it wasn't open that night gayyy. i already knew i was in a lot of trouble so i told my parents, no I'm not coming home tonight. See you in the morning and hung up. Let's just say it didn't fly well. I was reported missing to the cops and they recommended i see this doctor. Which is why I'm there.

I hate him, hes an old fat man trying to understand a 16 year old girl rebelling against everyone. I find the fact the can't prescribe me drugs very annoying to me. Obviously I'm fucked in the head. I mean anyone who talks to me for more than an hour realizes it.

Now, don't you all go thinking I've become this crazy lunatic, bc i haven't I'm the same old Riki....somewhere.

My Ana habits were forgotten in this new found life. But now since I've gotten away with it all, I'm retiring my bad habits....well except getting high. But every other illegal thing I've done is in the past.

I'm sitting here eating my Halloween candy looking at blogs and thinspo wondering where my perfect body, my perfect grades...ish, and my perfect life went. Everything was fine back when Ana was my best friend, but i dumped her for drugs and mistakes.

It's time again for me to return. I'm hopeing it will actually stick this time. And i know readers, why trust me? Every blog post, about one a month is repeating the same old lines, but i don't know. This time feels different.

Maybe it's because i can hurt myself, and others. Maybe because I'm sick of being trapped by this body that isn't perfect.

But I'm back. And this time I'm fucking ready. :)
~*~

Tomorrow will be very little food. I won't count too harshly so my return will be a descent instead of a yo-yo drop.

My Halloween candy is calling my name.
Do i have enough strength to turn down its siren song?
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Pictures!

Well, here are some pics of me and my current body.


Stomach not bad, but thighs deff need some work. And those are the jeans i want to fit into. I can't button them :(

And please try not to notice how horrifically dirty my room is ahah :)
~*~

Today i am fasting, which is prolly stupid because i stayed home sick. Well, let's hope i get better even though my body will be wasting away. ;)

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Change

Ian is out of the picture. I'm back together with my original boyfriend that i lost my virginity too.
yay. i care about him more than i care about anyone else, even myself. i know that's not safe or good but its reality.

My wieght went down to 105 but now i've yo-yoed back up to 117.

FUCK.

I have to stop yo-yoing. I'm not oprah i can't be doing that.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Special K

Tomorrow ill do my special K diet which will be me eating a cup of special K through the course of the day. :D

I hung out with my guy friend Ian, and we smoked an L and i went and babysat, I'm a great person i know. It was a lot of fun. Ian even kissed me. Yay.

My weight 115.

Unacceptable for school. Goal weight- 105.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Crazy

Yesterday was possibly the worst night of my life.

Let me explain, i went out with my stepsister and we got drunk with a hot guy and his grenade friend. I took the grenade-she owes me. After getting completely shitfaced, i had to go home. i got dropped off down the street and realized i didn't have shoes. I said fuck it and went home anyway.

I was a shit show.

My mom knew immediately and began to fight with me. Then it happened.

I went completely insane. As you all know, i have occasional mental breakdowns. Well, this was the craziest so far. I was bat shit insane. I was on verge of killing myself, something i look down on. I was so completely hopeless and so ready to die i was just figuring out how to do it.

I was so upset and crazy, I'm not even in trouble for coming home drunk.

This episode makes me think i need medication. but i refuse to go to a psychiatrist, i cannot talk to strangers, or anyone else for that matter, about my problems.

I was discussing it with my very close friend and she understood and helped me. The reason i have these breakdowns if bc i repress my emotions. If something bad happens- BAM ill push it to the back of my mind.

Everything i hated about myself came flowing out in a river of depression. I was just yelling at one point- i want to die, just let me die. I hate everything about myself, i hate life. Just let me be at peace.

I was so bad last night i was texting my friends and family good bye. I had every intention of killing myself-The only thing that stopped me? I passed out.

Holy shit.

Love,
~Riki Ana

TIme for a change.

Well, i barely got in trouble for the alcohol thing. Fuck yes.

This morning i ate a pizza for one, puked it up, and that's my meal for the day.

I plan on going to target later with my firend and getting a shit ton of makeup and stuff for back to school. :)

Wow, this post sucks.

Love,
~Riki Ana <3

Depression Hits

It's crazy how much of a fuckup i am. My friends mom found out i sold her daughter booze and now told my mom. I'm going to be in so much trouble. My phones being disconnected and im going to get screamed at. But i swear to god if my mom lays one hand on me i'll beat the shit out of her. I'm not kidding either.

Im so sad right now. Im such a fuckup its crazy.

~
~
~ and the suicidal thoughts begin to hit.

Oh god. I'm even more fucked up than i thought.
I just wanna get hurt. Not enough to die, but enough to make everyone feel bad for me.

The body begins to die after three days without liquid.
^Just a thought.

I'm slowly realizing, im fucked up in the head. I literally thought about jumping in front of cars just so i won't get into trouble.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Also everything is trippy as shit, and i don't know why.

I think i'm fucked up in the head. I called the suicide hot line, again idk, but first they had me on hold for 15 minutes. then i hung up. Then i called back and my phone refused to dial it.

Hmm, perhaps a sign?

Well, tonight if i don't get completely fucked in trouble.... i don't even know.

I just want to run away, or die. I don't even know anymore. I'm just so unhappy. I don't even know why.

This house makes me depressed. That's why I'm never home... also bc my family hates me.

I just want to slip out of conscience for a while is that so much to ask for?

And this is why i like drugs. Too bad they cost money.
I tried coke the other night.

To anyone looking to try it, don't. everyone says coke is this awesome drug. ITS NOT. it sucks. i didnt feel anything except for awake. Wow, the same thing as drinking a red bull. awesome.

All i want is some weed, so i can zone out and fall asleep

is that too much to ask for?

I hate myself.

Love,
~Riki Ana.

p.s. If someone told me this i would give them so much advice and shit. But i feel i dont derseve it.

how fucked up is that?

All my work ruined in a meal.

So today i felt really skinny when i woke up, and decided to weigh myself.
113.5
I LOST 6.5 LBS YAYYY!

so i didn't eat all day in anticipation of a welcome back family dinner i had to go to tonight.
holy shit i ate a lot.

Tomorrow nothing shall pass through these lips.

I probably gained back at least 3 or 4 lbs.
FUCK.

I will be 100 or less by the start of school.
The sad truth?

i don't care how bad it will be losing these 13.5 lbs

I cannot wait to walk into the hallways wearing my new *crossing my fingers* size 1 jeans. (right now I'm a 3) I'll wear a breezy top that flutters and shows my defined hipbones and concave stomach.

I want people to whisper about how skinny I've gotten behind my back.

I will make it happen.

I will make other girls jealous. Fuck everyone who doubts me. It will be nothing be coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Because that's what pretty girls are made of.

~*~

My bi friend from last post wants to kill herself now. I talked to her on the phone for 2 hours listening to her cry.
Her mom told her she would rather her be dead than gay.

If she kills herself, I'll punch her mom in the face. I swear to god.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. Stay Strong beauties. I;m always up for new texting buddies! xoxoxo

You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

My friend called me in tears today. Her mom found out she was bisexual bc of a hickey on her girlfriend's neck who was sleeping over. Her mom fucking flipped. My friend's family won't even talk to her. And now her girl, who lives two hours away, has no where to sleep tonight, bc her mom can't pick her up till the morning. What the fuck.

I'm not the type of person to sit and watch someone in trouble. So i told my mom exactly what happened and i asked if the girlfriend could sleep here tonight bc she has no where else to go. My mom said "let the lesbian's mom pick her up, it's not my problem."

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I'm sitting there crying, begging her not to leave the fucking girl on the street tonight and you say no.

You're a parent. How would you feel if i had no where to go and no one would take me in?

I lost all respect for you mother.

Then i told her i wouldn't care if my daughter was les or bi, so she calls me fucked up?

WOW.

well, there goes the last shred of respect i had for you.
~*~

And....i just got a picture of a dick sent to me. Just fucking awesome.

I hate everyone right now.

Love,
~Riki Ana

2nd post of the day

This song is litterally written about me, it describes me perfectly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_oMD6-6q5Y

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop

Guess what? I'm not a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

My life, exactly.

I think i have some sort of mental problem. Like I repress a lot of shit, that's how i can describe it. If something bothers me i ignore it, which causes me to have random breakdowns every once in a while. Where i just cry all day, thinking about what a horriable person i am. The last one was just after school ended...

I can feel another one coming.

I just bottle everything up,
untill
i
explode.

And i just know i am, and im scared.

I don't know if i can mentally handle another breakdown.

We will see.
~*~
My last breakdown, i cried to my sister. I told her how much i hated myself, and everything. Obviously leaving out a lot of shit.
She's always asking me if im going to change and go back to be person i was. The kind, loving child i once was.

Being 100 % truthful, i can't go back. It's not because i don't want to. It's because i don't even remember who that person is. I have a bitchy hard shell with a liquid inside of depressed, guilty, angry goop.

Sometimes i hate myself, and i wanna change. But there's no going back, and i can't be the happy person i once was. I have fucked myself over to the point where i think i need professional help.

Maybe Ana can be my therapist for now.

Stay Strong girls, maybe one day everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.

maybe...

how much hope can i have in a maybe?

Love,
~Riki Ana

Fuck you life.

So this fat bitch is telling people im a baby ho. Oh really? I wanna fucking slash her tires. She's saying imma hoe when she has the clap? wtf.... well i cant say much on the std part but im not a whore like she is. one time she gave me a ride home and this phrase came out of her mouth...
"Well he's not attractive but dick is dick so whatever."

WHAT THE FUCK?

ughghfgifsdfiaofgrjhiogtferio;vfgoweraghioerahg
im so pissed.
~*~

but in other news
I've stayed below 1500 for a week
and now im staying below 1200

i wanna do a fast soon.

I miss the feeling of hollowness, the empty growl.

Mmmm, i want it back.
I'll get it too.
I fucking will.

Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. i have so much more to say but i'm beat tonight. Tomorrow ill re-open up my life to all you beautiful boys and girls.



****HOLY SHIT I FORGOT!****
I have a phone now, so leave me a comment and ill give you my number so we can be Ana texting buddies, that will seriously keep me on track

Old habits return

Well, i still haven't got my maybe-std checked out. But tonight i had a scary experience.
So i was sneaking out to go hang out with a couple friends and go burn at the park down the street. So i hop out my basement window and i get down the street when my sister calls me. HOLY SHIT. i had a cigarette in my hand and i broke it while making a fist i chucked it and ran down the street and flew through the window and went upstairs. AND NO ONE WAS UP. she must have pocket dialed me or something. But my heart is still racing and i got home like an hour and a half ago.

Scariest moment ever.

This is also showing me that im still being the same old up to no good Riki. I thought i would be a good girl again like when i was younger but being bad is more fun ;)

On to Ana news finally.
My bad girl ways aren't the only thing returning. A couple of my old Ana habits are returning like feeling the bones in my wrist and drinking a full bottle of water when i wake up. And of course seeing food and instead of thinking MUST EAT NOW. its "holy shit how many calories is that?!?!" but then of course i eat it anyway.

But i think i am mentally prepared for a comeback. The other times were "ehh lets see if it sticks" now its "you better fucking do it fat ass."

Hi Ana, it's nice to see you again. :)

Love,
~Riki Ana

Fuck it

I'm taking Spose's Advice and just saying FUCK IT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX4KNO4vQoo

I have horrific news, you can skip down to the next part if you want, its nothing Ana related but its a crazy event in my life.

Karma is a bitch. She is one giant raging hormonal bitch, that is always on her period....and she hates me.

For the past two weeks i've been on vacation.

how can i put this lightly....

I was a huge slutty Mcslutson.

And right now im paying the price.
I might have an Std....in my throat.
FUCK MY LIFE.
I decided it was less slutty to give head, cuz i didnt wanna fuck.
Total head count 3 guys.

But hang on, it might not be an std, i went to planned parent hood today. the doctor looked in my mouth went "oh my god. oh my god.....hmmm well i have no idea what that is.....but it doesnt look good."

I said "Well thats reassuring."

So i have to go to a real doctor. My mom cant know so i have to fake being sick. Then my doctor gets to see my disgusting mouth.

My tonsils are red and inflamed with a large white spot on the left one and the back of my throat is blood red with a mix of creamy milk white.

MMM, isnt that sexy. Maybe ill post a pic of it....that will keep you girls from eating.

I deserve it though. It slapped me back into reality showing me im not invincible, and i cant get away with everything.

I just want it gone. And im hoping the first guy didnt give it to me bc that means i gave it to 2 other guys, im actually hoping the last one gave it to me, or else that means i gave it to someone else which i feel bad about.

But surpirisingly im taking the whole i might have a std thing well, yes when i looked in my mouth i called my stepsister and cried, but hey i got checked for hiv and lucky me i dont have that. But the gonerraha and syphilius tests take 1 month. I have to wait a whole month for my fate to be decided?

Thats why i have to go to my normal doctor, he can swab it and tell me sooner, im just hoping that its curable and that the medication is cheap so my mom doesnt question it.

Thank god for paitent doctor confidentality. The planned parenthood lady told me to say "you must keep this between us legally, so you can tell my mom i have strep and give me the pills for the std. If you tell i can legally sue you. Please treat me with discreation."

Thank you america for that law.

I'm praying no one finds out and that i can be cured.

Oh and the reason im able to be calm about this is bc i feel i deserve it in a way, and the amount of cigarettes i've smoked today has calmed me down, but everytime i wanna look in my mouth i wanna cry.

But you know what once i get my meds, i can just say fuck it and continue living my life.

Burned out

So its summer!! i have my last final tomorrow then i get out at 10 and im hanging out with my dad all day :)

For my birthday, i'm giving myself a quarter. For those who dont smoke, its $120 and its a large quantity of weed. Im excited :)

My friend who i smoke with quite often always talks about how shes a "stoner" truthfully even i dont classify myself as that bc I may smoke a lot but no where enar the amount of some of the kids i hang out with. One of my friends smokes half a quater a day. I smoke what a dub every couple of days? not bad

Though i have gotten high 6 out of 7 days this past week :)

She didnt know how to use a bong or a bowl. wtf????????
~*~

I repierced my belly button. I love it now. I wonder why i didnt like it before?

I was 112 lbs on monday. it was nice, but ive gotten munchies EVERY FUCKING TIME i smoked. wtf

i think i've eaten 12 bags of skittles in the past week, and a disgusting amount of twix bars.

ITS GOT TO STOP.
~*~

I see i have 151 followers now. HOLY SHIT!

i love you guys so much!

I want someone to talk to, so comment!!!

Love,
~Riki Ana

Sometimes all you need is that little shove...

Hola my beauties :)

Friday i did end up going to the beach, i ate a hot dog and fries from Nathans, i had a slice of pizza from a pizza place, then for dinner we went out to Chili's and shared appetizers- Nachos, Artichoke and spinach dip, and this spicy cheese dip. Mmm.

Friday Night, i slept for 2 hours.

Saturday, I woke up extremely depressed. I don't know why. I felt like a fuck up and failure in all aspects of my life. I ate a cookie from Dunkin Donuts to make me feel better, than i had a little bit of popcorn, and personal pizza, then for dinner i had a piece of grilled chicken.


*EDIT* My blogger fucked me over and didn't publish my whole post. It only published up to here. It was a good fucking post too. Goddamn it. Here's my crappy re-write :(

I slept all of Saturday, and all night. I woke up about half an hour ago. It is Sunday 940 AM

On Saturday whenever i woke up i was having trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality. My dreams were so realistic, my mind couldn't tell the difference.

This morning i woke up feeling physically- euphoric kinda like a high, but not quite there. I had an urge to weigh myself.

116.

I lost 4 lbs. :)

I know it's not a lot, but it's the shove i need to really start my weight loss.
~*~

At the beach there was an obviously anorexic girl. Her arms were so thin there was no meat, just skin wrapping bone. The only part of her that was "thick" and i use the term thick VERY loosely, was her calves. they were very muscular.
Truthfully it was kinda gross looking. I don't like the whole "so thin i could drop dead at any moment" look. I like the slightly underweight, model looking kinda anorexic.

But that's just my personal preference.
~*~

So i did stop smoking for a day. That day was easy as fuck. I realized something, I'm not addicted to cigarettes yet. But here's the thing i enjoy smoking. I like the feel of it curling in my lungs, the look of it coming from my parted lips.

My friend who smokes said this, once you stop enjoying smoking that's when your addicted. I do something i enjoy, once i stop enjoying smoking ill stop.

Im so annoyed blogger didnt publish my whole post. It was so fucking well worded, and i cant remember the way i put shit and all of the topics i touched on.

FUCK YOU BLOGGER.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Done with my bullshit

OK so i got in trouble with my mom again. She found out I've been cutting classes again, luckily she didn't find out that i cut school. I'm not going to to the beach Friday. I'm allowed to just I'm making the change to be a better person.

I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I'm done with it. I'm scared, but I've been researching online. To help with quiting I'm going to do a three day juice fast, that's what they recommend.

My mom is disappointed in me truthfully, i don't even know who I am anymore. I miss being close with my mom, i was the one she could always depend on. Now I'm the fuck up of the family.

I need this.
I need to be a better person.
And this is the first step.
I will be thinner, nicer, and stronger.
Anyone who says I can't do it can go fuck themselves.

This is the perfect time because summer is approaching. This is going to be a summer of new me.

MY GOALS
1. Quit Smoking
2. Lose 10 lbs and become 110
3. Gain my mom's trust again
4. No more cutting classes
5. Do better in school
6. No more fucking up my life
7. Stay away from bad influences
8. Be happy with the person I am.
9. Eat healthier
10. Take responsibility for my actions.

Love,
~Riki Ana
I'll update more in a little bit.
Its only been about an hour since my last cigarette and I'm already craving another.
Wish me luck.

Done with it.

Hello my beauties.

Today i stayed home from school becuase i didnt feel well when i woke up. I felt better about an hour later then i had the house to myself. I went on a blunt hunt, which is where i search around my house for weed that my brother has dropped, hidden, etc. I found two roaches. i Put them in his bong and lit up. Mmmm I love that bong, so fucking much. Perfect Day.

Except for the fact i ate. But no more food today.

I didn't get the chance to smoke a cigarette till 550. I wanted one so bad. Ill think ill have another after i finish bloggging this.

Yesterday i cut school with a couple friends and went to our friends house, smoked a bowl. Had a good day.

Tomorrow i go to school, no more cutting for me. Im putting that shit behind me. But friday my dad is taking me out of school to go to the beach. Fuck Yeah. He told me not to tell my mom- its legal cutting. My mom will drop me off and ill walk home, my dad will call me out sick and BAM beach time.

Ill buy a dime from a girl at school tomorrow and smoke before my dad picks me up- perfect timing bc then we wont have to talk while im high bc we are riding the motorcycle down.

Im scared to be in a bikini, i havent worked out at all ugh.

Love,
~Riki Ana

High Times

To the person that asked about the cough syrup. No it doesn't give you munchies, it gives you a stomach ache tho. Which is a plus for me, makes you not want to eat :)

Im doing it again tonight, ill write more later when im tripping haha
Remember to take in account the time it takes for the DXM to kick in, usually around 3 hrs for me. I usually take a nap and when i wake up BAM high as a kite. It makes your pupils HUGE tho even after your done being high for a couple hours so i recommend a friday night at home, cuz you wont be able to fall asleep. Try smoking a bowl at your peak too= FUCKING AWESOME

bye for now my beauties

Anymore questions feel free to ask
Love,
~Riki Ana

Can everyone say stoner?

How are my beauties today?
It's 11 am and im high as a fucking kite. :)
Last night i stayed up all night robotripping.
For those who don't know what that is, it is when you drink cough syrup to get high.
Like Robitussian+Tripping=Robotripping
I drank it at 1030pm reached my peak at 230 then came down around 10a, ish
and now i smoked a bowl, and now im high again.
Maybe i shouldnt be doing this, but i say Why Not?
It makes me feel better than alright.

And in Ana news, this is the kinda high that im not going to get munchies with.

Fuck yes.

Love,
~Riki Ana

about to pop

im so full right now, ohmygod. I think my stomcah is about to explode. Thank you munchies.
Its the price i pay sometimes for smoking. Normally i don't get hungry but every once and a while BAM i become a bottonless pit.

Completely worth it.

Im coming down off my high, it was an amazing high. <3

Im so tired i think i going to take a nap.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Said by my guy friend
"There's three ways to get through live, eat twat, smoke pot, and smile alot."
hahahahah

End of day, post 2

Hush little baby don't you stir
Don't listen to the voices that you hear
They are just the monsters under your bed
in your closet and in your head

My sister decided i was too messy to share a room with a threw all of my clothes into the hallway, thanks sis. Im not cleaning the up. i put them into a garbage bag, i dont give a shit ill go the the bag everyday and wear them until they get dirty and someone will wash them and fold them up.

I'm one stubborn bitch.

~*~
Thinspo treat
I will be beautiful.

Im going to make a new ED bracelet, its going to be red beads with a dragonfly charm. ill upload a pic once i make it.
Thats my stomach all signed from bamboozle. :)
Thin, but not thin enough.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Day 1 of my return

ate normally today, ehh.

I know me doing those sexual things seems jaw dropping, because mainly it is. But with him it was my first "love." he was real first boyfriend. I was so infatuated with him, and still kinda am, except last night he did something that turned me off and i feel kinda bad for being turned off by it.

He was vulnerable.

I did not like it. He called me around midnight, saying how he was sorry he was that we broke up, he missed me etc etc. I know when hes lying too, and he wasn't. For the month we dated we hung out everyday, then when i got home i would call him and talk to him till 2 or 3 am. That may sound like an exaggeration but truthfully it isn't. I know shit about him that no one else does, shit he could to jail for. His voice shook when he talked and we skyped and he looked like a puppy that was beaten.

It was weird. I don't know, just him being so emotionally open to me was disturbing to me. I don't know if that's my fucked up mind telling me vulnerability is wrong but...

whatever, i just have to rethink my relationship with him. We were going to get back together but after that, i don't know. I feel like crap for having thoughts like that too. ughhh

My life isnt excatly "bad" Truthfully im enjoying my life more than ever. I love smoking weed, just saying. If i had the money i would smoke everyday. But i don't, so thats not an option.

My life has changed so competly in the past couple of months, its almost horrifying. Not that they were all bad changes. Well, maybe most of them were. But Im happy right now, and thats all that matters to me.

The only think that would make me happier?

To be the toothpick thin girl i've always dreamed about.

I get what i want, i always have and i always will.
I'm one determined mother fucker, and maybe ill start using that power in some good ways.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Time for a comeback

Well, my life has not been going where i've expected...

But yes, this is my return to Ana.

My life has become fucked up-ish. Let's go over what has happened. I had a boyfriend named Chris, i explored my physical side of a relationship, so i've had everything that isn't sex. Oral, anal, all that shit. Except with the anal he put it in and i told him to take it the fuck out cuz it hurt hahahaha Now we are broken up, we dated a month, i feel kinda slutty.

I smoke cigarettes now, around 6 a day. I smoke weed, let's just say enough to be considered a stoner in my school. the people i used to look down upon i have become.

I have in school suspension tomorrow for cutting classes, and ill have sense again for cutting chemistry, which im failing btw, except i didn't mean to cut. I cut lunch to go smoke a cigarette like i do everyday and my friends wanted to smoke weed so i went with them and smoked except stupid me was massively dehydrated and i passed out. It was awesome.

I lost all of my old friends because i've changed and my new friends are untrustworthy but fun to be around. I have a couple old friends left.
I lost my main friend Rania, she was the girl that was moving an hour away and i cried for. Fuck her. She betrayed me. She told my sister i drank and smoked weed, and smoked cigarettes, and that i have snuck out before. Stupid bitch.

My weight is 120-122.2.

Fuck that. I'll write more later.
It's good to be back.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Bittersweet Goodbyes

My beautiful readers. I fucking love you. I've been avoiding this for much too long. Let's wait. Good news first.

I met an amazing boy. His name is Joe. He was my first kiss. I wanted to wait for it to be with someone special but then i said fuck it, and it worked out. He's a fucking player, who wants me for my body. Yet he's still the sweetest guy ever. I lied to him, so i guess we are both fucked up. He's back in college, and yes I'm still 15, and no he doesn't know that. We are still talking but I know he's fucking other girls, he seemed pissed when i wouldn't do anything past kissing. Well, fuck you. but i like him so much. IM SO FUCKED. haha

But you know what? I'm perfectly ok with that.

You guys wouldn't believe how happy I've been lately. I'm this whole new person. IM HAPPY!
I actually love the way i look. Yea, i do have some fat here and there, and yea my boobs are small, but they are MINE. and i love them.

I got high like 2 weeks ago. It was fucking awesome. I cannot describe how awesome it was. I cannot wait to do it again. But getting my hands on weed is so hard. I got drunk with my goodie two shoes best friend today. It was great.

My life is at such a perfect point. I can get high and drunk, i have self-confidence and I'm happy. And i think i know why.

I just stopped giving a fuck.

That is all. I just said to myself "What the hell am i doing? Why the FUCK do i care what other people think of me? They dont matter, they will always judge me. FUCK THAT SHIT!"

I really just don't fucking care about anything at this point. I'm living my life day by day, and loving every moment of it. I take care of my body, and eat healthy, and I'm at a nice weight. 115
I can live with that. I have a nice ass, and a ok chest, with nice hips.

I'm currently making a pair of shorts for summer. I'm excited to wear them! I know my legs wont look that beautiful toothpick thin in them, but you know what? Im ok with that. Because ill work them anyway. Anyone who says i cant can go fuck themselves.

Yea, i still have that nagging voice saying I'm not pretty enough, but just fuck it all. I love who i am, maybe i wont love who i become or maybe i will. But right now i love myself and that's all that matters. Maybe ill find a nice guy my own age. Who knows.

My main goal is just to live life having as much fun as possible and anorexia just doesn't fit into that plan. It was a huge part of my life, but somehow I'm walking away from it. I don't know how but i am.

Maybe I'll be back someday, who knows? But you guys have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I'm actually thankful i had this. Don't hate on me for saying that because I'm not taking it back.

I'm not deleting this blog, i love it too much, and maybe one day if i come back, i still want it to be here.

But for now this is my goodbye.

I support everyone 100% with whatever they chose in life and you are welcome to email me anytime. Ill answer any questions and still talk to you girls or guys. I'm going to miss you all so fucking much. Wow, I'm actually crying.
Riki.Ana44@gmail.com

You guys are fucking awesome, and I'm going to miss the hell out of you all.
I hope you all find true happiness.

Love,
~Riki Ana

*EDIT*
p.s. My thingy is beautyiswhatiwant and i just realized something.

I've achieved beautiful and it's in my own eyes, and that's what truly matters in the end.