You know my name, not my story.

This blog is a part of my life. This is who I am, my goals, my dreams and my fuck ups.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Yesterday was possibly the worst night of my life.

Let me explain, i went out with my stepsister and we got drunk with a hot guy and his grenade friend. I took the grenade-she owes me. After getting completely shitfaced, i had to go home. i got dropped off down the street and realized i didn't have shoes. I said fuck it and went home anyway.

I was a shit show.

My mom knew immediately and began to fight with me. Then it happened.

I went completely insane. As you all know, i have occasional mental breakdowns. Well, this was the craziest so far. I was bat shit insane. I was on verge of killing myself, something i look down on. I was so completely hopeless and so ready to die i was just figuring out how to do it.

I was so upset and crazy, I'm not even in trouble for coming home drunk.

This episode makes me think i need medication. but i refuse to go to a psychiatrist, i cannot talk to strangers, or anyone else for that matter, about my problems.

I was discussing it with my very close friend and she understood and helped me. The reason i have these breakdowns if bc i repress my emotions. If something bad happens- BAM ill push it to the back of my mind.

Everything i hated about myself came flowing out in a river of depression. I was just yelling at one point- i want to die, just let me die. I hate everything about myself, i hate life. Just let me be at peace.

I was so bad last night i was texting my friends and family good bye. I had every intention of killing myself-The only thing that stopped me? I passed out.

Holy shit.

~Riki Ana

1 comment:

  1. wow okay, that sounds bad.

    first two sentences of your post I thought: sounds like a good night. Coming home without your shoes? Even better. But the rest of it sucks

    What I don't understant though is why you started doing this. I mean was it because of your mum having a go at you cuz you were drunk?
    Just ignore it ... I know it sounds easier than it is but ... hell, you don't wanna kill yourself. Af for the psychatrist - if you don't want to, don't. They can fuck you up big time.