ate normally today, ehh.
I know me doing those sexual things seems jaw dropping, because mainly it is. But with him it was my first "love." he was real first boyfriend. I was so infatuated with him, and still kinda am, except last night he did something that turned me off and i feel kinda bad for being turned off by it.
He was vulnerable.
I did not like it. He called me around midnight, saying how he was sorry he was that we broke up, he missed me etc etc. I know when hes lying too, and he wasn't. For the month we dated we hung out everyday, then when i got home i would call him and talk to him till 2 or 3 am. That may sound like an exaggeration but truthfully it isn't. I know shit about him that no one else does, shit he could to jail for. His voice shook when he talked and we skyped and he looked like a puppy that was beaten.
It was weird. I don't know, just him being so emotionally open to me was disturbing to me. I don't know if that's my fucked up mind telling me vulnerability is wrong but...
whatever, i just have to rethink my relationship with him. We were going to get back together but after that, i don't know. I feel like crap for having thoughts like that too. ughhh
My life isnt excatly "bad" Truthfully im enjoying my life more than ever. I love smoking weed, just saying. If i had the money i would smoke everyday. But i don't, so thats not an option.
My life has changed so competly in the past couple of months, its almost horrifying. Not that they were all bad changes. Well, maybe most of them were. But Im happy right now, and thats all that matters to me.
The only think that would make me happier?
To be the toothpick thin girl i've always dreamed about.
I get what i want, i always have and i always will.
I'm one determined mother fucker, and maybe ill start using that power in some good ways.
Love,
~Riki Ana
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I hate seeing vulnerability in the people I perceive to be strong and powerful. I see it as a weakness. I guess me feeling weak, I rely on their strength and finding out they're vulnerable doesn't appeal to me. Which I know isn't very right.
ReplyDeleteIt was pretty jaw dropping to me, as I said before, but hey it's your life.
At the end of the day, happiness is the end result. And as long as you are not hurting yourself, I will be here to support you :)