Ana? Where are you?

I miss her voice. I don't hear it as often as i used too. You all know what I'm saying. That tiny hiss from inside you. Don't eat that. The voice that makes you run to the scale. You fat pig. The voice that makes you examine every inch of you skin. Look at yourself. No wonder you have no friends. They probably can't stand the sight of you. The voice that gives you hope. You're so close to your goal weight! Keep going, I know you can do it!!!

I think she's pissed at me. I've been eating way too much. Though i lost a pound. She'll come back, once she see's how strong i am. :D

~*~
Anyway, creepy rambling aside. I feel so defeated. Like i can't do anything right.

BLEH!

I'm sick of sadness. I'm sick of depression. I just want to be happy. Which i am.... Kind of. I feel like people are never truly happy. We always have that dread in the back of our mind. Those bills coming up, the baby is sick, i'm failing this class, how can i take my family on vacation, i have to get that project done, etc.

We are stressed, but that's life. In drama class someone read this monologue that made me think. It was all about how you shouldn't focus on being happy. No, you can't obtain happy. You should just try to be ok.

And you know what?

I think, i'm ok.

I'm not happy, i'm not sad. At this very moment, i feel ok. No more defeated attitude. I'm ok, i'm not exactly sure what that means, or the consequences of that feeling are, but i'm ready to see.
~*~

In OhMyGosh's blog awhile back she said something very true.
"As I mentioned a few posts back, McDonald’s has a billboard that is all red with a box of fries on it. The only thing it says is, “Box of Happiness.” Fuck you, McDonald’s, but you’re right. Your fries would have made me happy for a second but then I would have hated myself for the rest of the week. Right… a moment on the lips, forever on the hips."

When I eat, it makes me feel better. The taste and smell of food makes me forget my worries....for a moment. Then i feel bloated and fat. Also i get the joy of looking at the scale the next day which is flippen fantastic. But it has too stop. I need something else to ake me feel better... instead of food.
~*~

My friend B is depressed. I'm really upset that i can't help her. She's gone through a lot of shit in her short life so far. More than some have to experience in a lifetime. I'm scared. In 8th grade she was going to kill herself. Luckily my other friend C and I were talking to her all day trying to lift her spirits. I thank god it worked.

She told me this year that if we weren't there, she wouldn't be here today.

It breaks my heart that she's hurting. I wish there was someway to take her pain. I hate seeing people being hurt. I would rather have her pain then let her have to deal with it. My cousin always says I would give someone what they needed even if it ment giving it up myself.

She was crying all day on Friday. Going to the bathroom to cry. Not talking, and moving away when we got close.

I hate to see her sad. I wish it was at a person so at least i could hit them or something.

She's hurting herself emotionally, and maybe psychically. She said she hasn't done it since last year but who knows.

I'm so fucking hypocritical. I'm technically hurting myself by not eating, but she can't hurt herself other ways. It's always different for someone else instead of yourself.

I just want her to be happy, even if i can't be it myself. "I'm the type of girl that be so hurt but still look at you and smile. The type of girl that will brighten your day, even if i can't brighten my own."

Love,
~Riki Ana

HELLO? Anybody here?

Ok, so may i just say Crisis averted. I ate normally this past week to avoid suspicion. But now I'm back.

I have a 3 day long weekend thanks to Memorial Day. This weekend will be my getting back in the groove of things. Today is the 29th of May. I thought I'd be around 95 lbs by now. But no. I'm at 115.5 D: it's my own fault. I take full responsibility for it too. But i'm going to stop and take on a new goal. By July 4th i WILL be 95lbs.

So far today i've had a Nutria-grain strawberry bar. That's 140 cals down the fucking drain. I'm giving myself a 500 cal limit. Includes liquids.

Ooh, new favorite thing alert. I LOVE strawberry or lemon flavored water! It tastes AMAZINtG and for 0 cals!!! :D

For lunch i think i'm going to eat some fruit, probably watermelon or something.

Then for dinner.... a salad with salsa?!?! Mmm.

I hope you guys are still reading. I hope you didn't lose my blog. :(

If your still out there,

Love you guys,

~Riki Ana

Holy shit!!!!!!

Ok, i just got back from my sleepover. I was gone from 8:45 yesterday to 2:30 today. I come onto the computer to find this..... www.riskyriki.blogspot.com in the fucking address bar history. FUCK. I must have forgotten to delete it! My entire ana-life might have been exposed. I don't know if anyone looked at it, but know i'm scared as hell.

If someone did look at it, they'll definitely remember my web-address so as of now the new blog address is www.beautyiswhatiwant.blogspot.com

Girls, i know some of my users aren't posted of my blog updates and just check my blog through the address. So if you could spread the word of my new address that would be great.

I'm scared. I can't be found out.

Oh god. What should i do?

If someone questions me, now at least they won't have evidence and i could just deny it, i could deny it like ana denys food. Oh god!

First i get my interm report to see the crappest comments ever "in danger for failing marking period." Why do you tell me i'm doing good and then say that????? Well, FUCK YOU.

My heart is racing. There is nothing i can do except...

...

Wait.

And let's hope i have to wait for a looooonnnngggg time for anyone to find me out.

Love,
~Riki Ana
p.s. 114lbs

One word, many complications. MALL

It's 10:14 pm. I have to get to bed soon, since i have to wake up early tomorrow. Today i ate around....750-850 cals. Not Bad.




I was going to fast today but i decided that since i'm going to end up eating something crappy, i should have my metabolism going.



I feel fat. *sigh* I've been looking at thinspo all day, and now i'm just plain old depressed.



I've been having a lot of food thoughts all day. Many the most evil words EVER spoken WETZEL PRETZEL **Gasp** all i've been thinking of is a sinfully cinnamon pretzel. Mmm


But then i think of the dress episode from a while ago, when i couldn't get it over my head. D:



But come on, It has the word sinful in the title! Who would want to eat something sinful? What marketing company is like "What should we call this?" "OOH ME! PICK ME!" "Anyone anyone at all" "ME! OVER HERE!" "*Sigh* Ok what is it." "SINFUL CINNAMON!" "But why would you eat something sinful?" NOOO MAKE IT THAT *cries* "Ok, ok it's sinfull!" "YAYYYAYAYAY!"


~*~
I have to thank Ana Banana for the beautiful blogger award! I'll do that official post tomorrow. :)


:) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D

Anyway, i'm sleepy. Good night everyone! Or Good morning if you life somewhere like that!

I wish i looked like her laying down ^^^^

One Day i will.

Love,

~Riki Ana

xoxox

Hunger

MY.HEAD.HURTS. ugh, i feel like crap. I can't tell if it's from not eating all day or just the sickness. Either way, IT SUCKS.

In other news, i'm hungry. Wow, that exciting. During lunch i felt a crack in my armor but i got a vitamin water instead. YUMMY! So my only intake so far was water and a zero-cal vitamin water. :D

My tummy hurts :( it feels acidic, sort-of.

~*~

OhMyGosh- i got your email! I'll text you as soon as possible....I just need to find my phone haha

I feel all rambly. Like i can't have a coherent thought, it just side-tracks into another one.

GAH! I'm writers blocked.

~*~**~*~*~**~*~*~***~*~**~*~*~*~*~

OK here we go again.

I'm staying strong today. NO FOOD. On Saturday, as you all know, I'm going to get my dress. Then that night I'm sleeping over my friend C's house. Her dad, who is a AMAZING cook, is making us dinner. She said either Pizza, or Spaghetti. **HIGH CALORIE ALERT** There is also going to be a lot of snacks. I'm not fasting today, just to have it ruined then! SO I'm taking a sleeve of rice cakes to snack on all night. :)

Another thing is i have to do a entire 10pg drama project DUE TOMORROW! Ugh. I hate my teacher. She doesn't tell us anything until the day before. SO all-nighter for that shit. :(

Ok, I'm to jambled to write anymore. Sorry for the crappy post, just had to fill you guys in!!!!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Gahh

Yesterday's treat was a little.....Large. Which is like my weight right now. Today was....let's refer to today as a EWWWWW day, shall we?



Tomorrow=No excuses.



I'm sick of lying to myself every fucking day. I wake up in the morning saying "Ok, i'm going to do good! Remember your fasting today. Water and Juice" Then around 4th period right before lunch, i ask myself "well, should i eat? Something small maybe? A side salad?" Of course not. I get fries. Disgusting cafeteria fries. Oh and listen to this. The lunch lady just immediately says "fries?" and serves them without even looking up to see my order. Yea, i'm that person. I'm a fat, coming back for more, customer.



I'm disgusted with myself. I need to not give up halfway through the day!



I'm making a promise. I'm fasting tomorrow, and i PINKY SWEAR to you guys that i will not break it.





~*~
Anyway, i've been thinking about the whole cigarette thing. That has been the main topic of my mind for the past 2 days. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to smoke another one. Like, i've been through the health classes, I know the side effects, i know it's bad. But oh, is it alluring.


But then i think of my mom, and her smoker's cough. Then again, i think of it's effect of getting rid of cravings. I believe over the years, i have smoker's lungs already. Whenever my mom smokes she blows it towards me instead of my sister, since my sister has bronchial something. :/


I know for a fact, my brother AND sister smoke, what? i'm not entirely sure, If you catch my drift.



So, i'm thinking.


~*~
I'm like 99.9% sure i'm getting sick. My throat is starting to hurt, and my neck itself hurts, my back hurts, ughh i'm all achy. :(
Anyway, to brighten your day and mine here is a beautiful pic i discovered. I'll think about her while i fast tomorrow!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Oh god

Hello, my lovely skinnies.

Today was suckish. I'm not eating tomorrow-(Hopefully) Saturday. Why might you ask? Well, this Saturday i'm going dress shopping for my best friend's 15th birthday. It's this July 11th. I don't want to be fat. Really i want to be 95 by then. I face this question. Should i get a tiny dress for the weight loss i hope i will have? Or, do i get the correct size, and IF i do those the weight, have it be slightly baggy on me?

Tough call. What do you guys think?

Anyway, I'm in a ehh mood. I had to take a 3hr Bio test today, that was just joy full. Then i found out that i have a World History Test tomorrow on top of another 3 hr Bio test. Whoo-fucking-hoo. So i have to study for that. Yay! We all know how much i love studying. -_-

My mom is buying a pizza. I'll think i will have a slice. You should have heard my tummy during the test. It was pin-drop quiet and all you hear is **GURGLE***GROWL*** Yea, i'm that person haha.

Who knows, maybe i'll treat myself tonight as a little "last party" sort of thing. I'm not really in a body-hating sort of mood, though i will be on the scale bright and early tomorrow. o_O

I bought a lot of low-cal food items too. So that's good. I leave on the note of a thinspo pic, and the smell of pizza coming from upstairs.

Love,

~Riki Ana

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! It is currently 54 degrees out, and it's going to go up to a GORGEOUS 73 with partly cloudy skies. Winds are NNW at 5 to 10 mph.

^^^Wouldn't i make great weather-woman?^^^

Hehe anyway back in normal people world, i am down 1 lbs today. 115. OK. Not good, but better than before. As you can see, I'm bored as hell. I'm weird when I'm bored hahah.

Oh yea, brother drama has been smoothed over. He apologized and took me to taco bell where we ate in his car and watched TV shows on his i-touch. He had the WORST day ever and i guess he needed a release or something. I feel like it sucks for non-bloggers, because yesterday i was sooooo hyped up about what happened and writing it to you guys made me calm down and process the situation. Others don't have that so the stew in their upset-ness till they explode!

I'm in a good mood today as you can prolly tell. haha. Today i think i might fast, but if i can't make it the whole day i'll eat something so 0-500 cals today.

Yesterday I tried smoking a cigarette for the first time. I didn't really like the way it tasted or anything, but i like the way it felt. Forbidden. I know it's bad for my health, i don't really think I'll do it again. After all that happened yesterday i felt like just doing SOMETHING, so i stole a pack of my mom's cigarettes and took 1. No one was home, so i stood in front of the mirror blowing puffs of smoke in the bathroom. Then i heard my brothers car pull in. FUCK. So i shut the bathroom door, and threw the window open and sprayed hairspray to cover the scent. Then i started brushing my teeth, I did that twice, and rinsed with super strong mouth wash twice.

Then my brother said to get in his car to go to taco bell. (I got a 150 cal fresco taco btw) So i grabbed a perfume bottle and sprayed it. I smelled really strong of it. Then i got into his car and i could still taste the cigarette! I was so worried he could too! So i kept the window open, while he complained of how i smelt so bad of the perfume. Then after I ate the taco i felt better, since i could no longer taste it.

So yesterday was very....Eventful.

Today I'm taking a road trip with the family to Pennsylvania. So today will be easy to get by with no food. :)

Love,

~Riki Ana

xoxoxo

2nd post of the day

Hello everyone, I'm feeling much less defeated right now. i didn't do so bad today. I ate a bag of chocolate covered pretzels in self-hate 330 cals then i purged them. Then for dinner i had 210 cals of pasta. and like 250 in drinks alone. even all that including the pretzels (just in case) it's 790. So hopefully 115 or *praying to god* 114.

I think you girls are right. I have to let the past be the past, and instead focus on my future. If i stay strong now and work extra had i can be around 100 by June first. Thank you guys for you inspiring words. <3
~*~

In family news, I'm no longer talking to my brother. I'm sick of his shit. He comes in to the house and starts yelling at me for no reason. My sister left his chair in the middle of his room and he started yelling. Then he broke the chair. What the hell? Control yourself! Then he started yelling at me, so naturally i yelled back. Then he screamed at me to "not raise my voice" So i started yelling more. Then i don't remember if i started it or he did, but i do remember him holding me to the ground me crying to let go, and him yelling at me to say sorry. I said nothing. I started kicking him in the back while trying to get up and he said not to kick him and hit me lightly in the back. I still said nothing. He asked me to apologise. Again i said nothing, so he got up and stalked into his room. Then he went outside.

I brought him the phone to talk to our mother and he asked who it was. I said nothing and handed it to him. He yelled "I'm not talking to them!" and threw the phone. Remember we are outside. It crashed to the ground. Luckily it did not break.

Then a short time later i was inside. i went to go shut the front door since it was wide open. I shut it and apparently my brother was coming up the stairs. I did not see him. He threw the door open and yelled at me "DON'T SHUT THE DOOR IN MY FACE!"

Finally he left to go hang out with his friends. I understand having bad days, but he does shit like this weekly. He should fucking know better. He's 20, I'm 14. I love my brother, i do. But he has to grow up and stop acting like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum.

Though it probably sounds worse typed out, but I'm not going to forgive him. I should but I'm just so fucking sick of this. I get it, our life is hard, but just stop already.

Me and my mom are the only normal people in my family. The 14 year old ED child. And the single mother working 2 jobs.

Doesn't everyone love family life?
~*~

Sorry for springing family drama on you guys. Ugh, i need to get out of this house. I think I'm going to go for a jog.

Love,
~Riki Ana

100th post

Why yes this is my 100th post, so on that note YAY!
~*~

Today i stood on my scale horrified. This is the first time I've weighed myself in 2 days maybe? I weigh a hippo-size of 116. That is my highest weight. Words cannot describe how i felt when i saw that number. June 1st is in 17 days. That means i would have to lose 6.8 lbs EVERY DAY to get to my goal weight. I just can't do it. I will try, but right now i only have one mood.

Defeated

I love you all, you beautiful girls.
Love,
~Riki Ana
~*~
It's good to be beautiful.
It's good to feel beautiful.
Ana is my life. Ana is my soul.
It is what I choose for me,not what I choose for you.
As I shed my shell and emerge
from my cocoon, I do so
knowing who I am,
and knowing what I do....
~*~

Slow and Steady wins the race

Down .5 so i'm 113 today. Ehh, i would be happier with more but i did crack and have a bowl of mac and cheese on top of the 700 cals i had. But i didn't feel hungry at all so i say GOOD DAY!

I'm going to try to be Slow and Steady wins the race But in the final week before June 1st, it's going to be HURRY THE FUCK UP TO WIN THE FUCKING RACE!!! haha

Anyway, you guys said yes, so BRING ON THE THINSPO! Woo-hoo YAYAYAYAY!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Stay Gorgeous xx

No more excuses

It's going to start raining soon :) I LOVE the sky right before it rains. It is BEAUTIFUL.
Whenever i spell beautiful i say in my head B-E-A-U-TI-FUL. hehe.

Anyway my scale weight was NOT what i was expecting. I was expecting 117 or some shit like that.

But i got.....113.5

I know, wow, what the hell happened?

But right now i'm saying, Forgive myself, use this as a learning experience, and do better today.

So far zero cals. It's 9:12 am. Not that big of an accomplishment but so far so good.

~*~

OHHH, remember thinspo girl like 2 posts ago? She could refuse food like the boss. Well, my world history class had a party and there was SO much YUMMY food there. But guess what i ate?
2 servings of salad and a sun-chip. YAY! i felt awesome. Everyone around me was stuffing their face with chicken parm, pasta, bread, and CAKE. But not me! Nope, i refuse. Oh and people were drinking their high calorie soda's i had coke zero. Who ever brought that in THANK YOU!!

I felt AWE-SOME.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my previous post. It was a little insight into the can of crazy called my mind. :D

Anyway, i'll probably sit home today. I'm aiming for 1oo cals of liquid today.

Maybe thinspo later hmmmmm?

Love you girlies
~Riki Ana
Stay Strong
xoxox

This is me.

I know. I'm supposed to be this big strong blogger who you look up to in your time of weakness to show yourself that SHE can do it, so WHY can't you? Well, I'm not.I'm the girl who has many failures with the occasional good day. I'm the girl that stays strong in front of you but cracks the moment no eyes are on her. One of my favorite quotes that describe me is "I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt, but still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own" I feel that is very true for me. When someone wants to tell me something, i shut up and listen. I observe. I'm.....a loner, you could say. I don't have many friends just a couple close ones, who i love dearly. Sure, we fight. The occasional shove or slap. but later that same day we will laugh about the stupid thing we were mad about.



My friends say they look up to me since i have so much confidence, and i'm so strong, and self-willed. Ha. yea that's what you see but it's not who i am. "Don't be so quick to judge me, You only see what i choose to show." Very true. I show exactly what i think you need. Most of the time i mainly act bitchy. It's who i am, well who i show. I'm a very sensitive person, though i wouldn't DARE to show it. My friends have only seen me cry once in the 10yrs i've known them. I got hit in the face with a basketball. Not even emotional tears they saw. I've seen my friends cry too many times to count.



I don't sugar-coat. Even if it's what they want me to do. You want my advice? I give it to you. i don't care if you don't like it, that's the truth. I'm not going to sit there and tell you it's going to be ok if its a lie. I'm not going to give you false hope. I don't believe that's the right thing to do.



The words you say, even if your "joking" cut like a razor into my mind. "Every just kidding, has some part truth."



The only part of my body I like is my back. Don't ask me why, but I think someone's back is the most beautiful part of them.



I know I'm not fat from other people's eyes. But i don't care what your eyes see. the only opinion that matters is your own. And i don't like what i see, so I'm going to change my shape into whatever i like. You don't like the bony figure i want to become. Cool. i don't care, i think it's beautiful, so shut the hell up.

I'm a comma whore, if you haven't noticed. Put them ALL over my posts. Not even on purpose. I think they belong there, so guess what? They are going to be there.

When i grow up i want to become a psychologist. I want to help people through thier problems.
My favorite color is pink.
I'm in love with Three Days Grace.
I'm bicurious. (Though you guys are the first to know)
I will proably never tell anyone that i'm bicurious.
I'm Roman Catholic.
I enjoy Greek Gods/Goddess.
I love reading books especially dark ones. I don't like happy endings unless there is some sort of twist. EXAMPLE: Identical-Ella Hopkins
I feel like happy endings, like the ones in movies and books, aren't realistic.
I do not lie on this blog.
I crumble under pressure.
No matter how long i've known you, you will prolly never see the me i keep hidden inside.
I will do whatever i can do to make you happy.
I love watching movies. Especially horror movies.
I feel like i'm a complex person, trying to be a simple one.
I love my dog, even though he's eaten all of my favorite things.
If i get the chance to have kids, i'm naming my daughter Riki.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in Fate.
I believe in Karma.
I love chocolate ice cream.
I'm a sucker for chicken.
I'll do anything for my brother and sister to make them happy.
I love my mom with all of my heart.
I love my dad, even with what he did to my mom. I will always love him.
I believe in ghosts.
I think there is a heaven.
I wish upon stars.
I hate spiders and any bug for that matter.
I hate running.
I love walking.
I don't think i'm pretty.
I love listening to my ipod.
My favorite thing to do is sit on my bed while reading a good book with my ipod plugged in and looking out the window on a rainy day.
I like feeling pretty during a fast.
I hate feeling any kind of guilt.
I get emotional. Quickly.
I ramble.
I go to bed early.
I tell stories badly.
I wish i would fall in love.
I wish i was loved.


This is me. the abridged portion. I could keep writing for days. This is the person you're reading about. This is who i am, who i want to be. I am ,to you guys, Riki Ana. To others i am a name you don't know. I'm just a person like anyone else on the street.

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

But you guys want to read about me. My life. And for that i am honored.
I'll post updates on my weight tomorrow.

I love you all. Truely.
~Riki Ana

30 days

Day 1 of fast-Completed

YAY! I feel completely empty right now. It's 7:40 am my mom is now asking what i want for breakfast. "Mom, i just woke up, I'm not hungry right now maybe later" "Do you want Dunkin Donuts?" "Sure"

Not that i plan on eating them. My mind set is FAST-NO FOOD.

Yesterday wasn't hard surprisingly. I had a weak moment earlier on in the day and i was going to eat but then i saw some Coke zero and went to town on that. I drank 2 liters worth yesterday. Yikes. Today i plan on having one glass all day.

Oh yea, I was heating up some lasagna for my bro and when it came out it didn't seem hot enough so i put my finger on it to test it. It was hot, then i had some lasagna crap on my finger so went to put it in my mouth and it touched the tip of my tongue; then i realized what i was doing. I immediately spat the trace of food out, rinsed with water a couple times, and then another couple times. So i think I'm safe.

I'm not really feeling any hunger pains this morning. Just empty, sort of hollow. :D
~*~

My weight as of this morning weigh-in is 110.5
YAY.
Today's fast should bring me down to 107.5
hopefully

~*~

Today all i have to do is go to church. Then i spending the rest of the day here. I could go out but, i love staying home and relaxing. I'm going to see Nightmare on Elm Street on Tuesday though so I'm excited for that. I <3 Freddy, too bad it's a new guy instead of Robert :( Let's hope he's just as good.

Anyway that's all for now.

Ana luv to you
Love,
~Riki Ana
Starve on

31 days

HOLY FUCK.

June 1st is 1 month away.

Today in honor of May 1st and being only 31 days until June 1st (*AKA* goal weight day) I am fasting. I don't really plan to stop. I really want to get past day 3 then just go as long as possible. then eat fruit for a couple days and fast again.

After day 3 of fasting your body no longer feels hunger. Anything you feel is supposed to be subconsciously. hmmm. I'll see about that.

I heard that popping pebto-bismal tablets and tums are supposed to cut down on the acid in your stomach which builds up when you don't eat which creates hunger. So no acid=no hunger?

Seems sketchy.
~*~

Anyway, this summer is going to be a constant spotlight on my body. My friend is having her Cinsinarea (SP) it's like a Spanish sweet 15.

So i have to wear a dress.

Then of course, the dreaded swimsuits.
O_o

~*~

Oh yea. I've been eating these things that are really good. Dole Mandarin oranges in those little containers. 80 cals a piece. YUM

Anyway that's all for now.

LOVE,
~Riki Ana

p.s. my bro has a new nick name for me. Squishy belly. Thanks bro. -_-