Sometimes all you need is that little shove...

Hola my beauties :)

Friday i did end up going to the beach, i ate a hot dog and fries from Nathans, i had a slice of pizza from a pizza place, then for dinner we went out to Chili's and shared appetizers- Nachos, Artichoke and spinach dip, and this spicy cheese dip. Mmm.

Friday Night, i slept for 2 hours.

Saturday, I woke up extremely depressed. I don't know why. I felt like a fuck up and failure in all aspects of my life. I ate a cookie from Dunkin Donuts to make me feel better, than i had a little bit of popcorn, and personal pizza, then for dinner i had a piece of grilled chicken.


*EDIT* My blogger fucked me over and didn't publish my whole post. It only published up to here. It was a good fucking post too. Goddamn it. Here's my crappy re-write :(

I slept all of Saturday, and all night. I woke up about half an hour ago. It is Sunday 940 AM

On Saturday whenever i woke up i was having trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality. My dreams were so realistic, my mind couldn't tell the difference.

This morning i woke up feeling physically- euphoric kinda like a high, but not quite there. I had an urge to weigh myself.

116.

I lost 4 lbs. :)

I know it's not a lot, but it's the shove i need to really start my weight loss.
~*~

At the beach there was an obviously anorexic girl. Her arms were so thin there was no meat, just skin wrapping bone. The only part of her that was "thick" and i use the term thick VERY loosely, was her calves. they were very muscular.
Truthfully it was kinda gross looking. I don't like the whole "so thin i could drop dead at any moment" look. I like the slightly underweight, model looking kinda anorexic.

But that's just my personal preference.
~*~

So i did stop smoking for a day. That day was easy as fuck. I realized something, I'm not addicted to cigarettes yet. But here's the thing i enjoy smoking. I like the feel of it curling in my lungs, the look of it coming from my parted lips.

My friend who smokes said this, once you stop enjoying smoking that's when your addicted. I do something i enjoy, once i stop enjoying smoking ill stop.

Im so annoyed blogger didnt publish my whole post. It was so fucking well worded, and i cant remember the way i put shit and all of the topics i touched on.

FUCK YOU BLOGGER.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Done with my bullshit

OK so i got in trouble with my mom again. She found out I've been cutting classes again, luckily she didn't find out that i cut school. I'm not going to to the beach Friday. I'm allowed to just I'm making the change to be a better person.

I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I'm done with it. I'm scared, but I've been researching online. To help with quiting I'm going to do a three day juice fast, that's what they recommend.

My mom is disappointed in me truthfully, i don't even know who I am anymore. I miss being close with my mom, i was the one she could always depend on. Now I'm the fuck up of the family.

I need this.
I need to be a better person.
And this is the first step.
I will be thinner, nicer, and stronger.
Anyone who says I can't do it can go fuck themselves.

This is the perfect time because summer is approaching. This is going to be a summer of new me.

MY GOALS
1. Quit Smoking
2. Lose 10 lbs and become 110
3. Gain my mom's trust again
4. No more cutting classes
5. Do better in school
6. No more fucking up my life
7. Stay away from bad influences
8. Be happy with the person I am.
9. Eat healthier
10. Take responsibility for my actions.

Love,
~Riki Ana
I'll update more in a little bit.
Its only been about an hour since my last cigarette and I'm already craving another.
Wish me luck.

Done with it.

Hello my beauties.

Today i stayed home from school becuase i didnt feel well when i woke up. I felt better about an hour later then i had the house to myself. I went on a blunt hunt, which is where i search around my house for weed that my brother has dropped, hidden, etc. I found two roaches. i Put them in his bong and lit up. Mmmm I love that bong, so fucking much. Perfect Day.

Except for the fact i ate. But no more food today.

I didn't get the chance to smoke a cigarette till 550. I wanted one so bad. Ill think ill have another after i finish bloggging this.

Yesterday i cut school with a couple friends and went to our friends house, smoked a bowl. Had a good day.

Tomorrow i go to school, no more cutting for me. Im putting that shit behind me. But friday my dad is taking me out of school to go to the beach. Fuck Yeah. He told me not to tell my mom- its legal cutting. My mom will drop me off and ill walk home, my dad will call me out sick and BAM beach time.

Ill buy a dime from a girl at school tomorrow and smoke before my dad picks me up- perfect timing bc then we wont have to talk while im high bc we are riding the motorcycle down.

Im scared to be in a bikini, i havent worked out at all ugh.

Love,
~Riki Ana

High Times

To the person that asked about the cough syrup. No it doesn't give you munchies, it gives you a stomach ache tho. Which is a plus for me, makes you not want to eat :)

Im doing it again tonight, ill write more later when im tripping haha
Remember to take in account the time it takes for the DXM to kick in, usually around 3 hrs for me. I usually take a nap and when i wake up BAM high as a kite. It makes your pupils HUGE tho even after your done being high for a couple hours so i recommend a friday night at home, cuz you wont be able to fall asleep. Try smoking a bowl at your peak too= FUCKING AWESOME

bye for now my beauties

Anymore questions feel free to ask
Love,
~Riki Ana

Can everyone say stoner?

How are my beauties today?
It's 11 am and im high as a fucking kite. :)
Last night i stayed up all night robotripping.
For those who don't know what that is, it is when you drink cough syrup to get high.
Like Robitussian+Tripping=Robotripping
I drank it at 1030pm reached my peak at 230 then came down around 10a, ish
and now i smoked a bowl, and now im high again.
Maybe i shouldnt be doing this, but i say Why Not?
It makes me feel better than alright.

And in Ana news, this is the kinda high that im not going to get munchies with.

Fuck yes.

Love,
~Riki Ana

about to pop

im so full right now, ohmygod. I think my stomcah is about to explode. Thank you munchies.
Its the price i pay sometimes for smoking. Normally i don't get hungry but every once and a while BAM i become a bottonless pit.

Completely worth it.

Im coming down off my high, it was an amazing high. <3

Im so tired i think i going to take a nap.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Said by my guy friend
"There's three ways to get through live, eat twat, smoke pot, and smile alot."
hahahahah

End of day, post 2

Hush little baby don't you stir
Don't listen to the voices that you hear
They are just the monsters under your bed
in your closet and in your head

My sister decided i was too messy to share a room with a threw all of my clothes into the hallway, thanks sis. Im not cleaning the up. i put them into a garbage bag, i dont give a shit ill go the the bag everyday and wear them until they get dirty and someone will wash them and fold them up.

I'm one stubborn bitch.

~*~
Thinspo treat
I will be beautiful.

Im going to make a new ED bracelet, its going to be red beads with a dragonfly charm. ill upload a pic once i make it.
Thats my stomach all signed from bamboozle. :)
Thin, but not thin enough.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Day 1 of my return

ate normally today, ehh.

I know me doing those sexual things seems jaw dropping, because mainly it is. But with him it was my first "love." he was real first boyfriend. I was so infatuated with him, and still kinda am, except last night he did something that turned me off and i feel kinda bad for being turned off by it.

He was vulnerable.

I did not like it. He called me around midnight, saying how he was sorry he was that we broke up, he missed me etc etc. I know when hes lying too, and he wasn't. For the month we dated we hung out everyday, then when i got home i would call him and talk to him till 2 or 3 am. That may sound like an exaggeration but truthfully it isn't. I know shit about him that no one else does, shit he could to jail for. His voice shook when he talked and we skyped and he looked like a puppy that was beaten.

It was weird. I don't know, just him being so emotionally open to me was disturbing to me. I don't know if that's my fucked up mind telling me vulnerability is wrong but...

whatever, i just have to rethink my relationship with him. We were going to get back together but after that, i don't know. I feel like crap for having thoughts like that too. ughhh

My life isnt excatly "bad" Truthfully im enjoying my life more than ever. I love smoking weed, just saying. If i had the money i would smoke everyday. But i don't, so thats not an option.

My life has changed so competly in the past couple of months, its almost horrifying. Not that they were all bad changes. Well, maybe most of them were. But Im happy right now, and thats all that matters to me.

The only think that would make me happier?

To be the toothpick thin girl i've always dreamed about.

I get what i want, i always have and i always will.
I'm one determined mother fucker, and maybe ill start using that power in some good ways.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Time for a comeback

Well, my life has not been going where i've expected...

But yes, this is my return to Ana.

My life has become fucked up-ish. Let's go over what has happened. I had a boyfriend named Chris, i explored my physical side of a relationship, so i've had everything that isn't sex. Oral, anal, all that shit. Except with the anal he put it in and i told him to take it the fuck out cuz it hurt hahahaha Now we are broken up, we dated a month, i feel kinda slutty.

I smoke cigarettes now, around 6 a day. I smoke weed, let's just say enough to be considered a stoner in my school. the people i used to look down upon i have become.

I have in school suspension tomorrow for cutting classes, and ill have sense again for cutting chemistry, which im failing btw, except i didn't mean to cut. I cut lunch to go smoke a cigarette like i do everyday and my friends wanted to smoke weed so i went with them and smoked except stupid me was massively dehydrated and i passed out. It was awesome.

I lost all of my old friends because i've changed and my new friends are untrustworthy but fun to be around. I have a couple old friends left.
I lost my main friend Rania, she was the girl that was moving an hour away and i cried for. Fuck her. She betrayed me. She told my sister i drank and smoked weed, and smoked cigarettes, and that i have snuck out before. Stupid bitch.

My weight is 120-122.2.

Fuck that. I'll write more later.
It's good to be back.
Love,
~Riki Ana