Well, Duh.

Today was uneventful except that i bought a 4 pack of fruit cups-70 cals per cup, and some white cheddar rice cakes-45 cals a piece.

In the morning I drank a bottle of water then a diet Snapple, another bottle of water, ate a salad at school, then i came home and went to work. My mom decided to surprise me with Wendy's. Oh god, I couldn't resist-chicken nugget and fry kids meal, bc she knows i don't eat a whole order haaha. I ate it but with Ana's voice screaming in my head i snapped a rubber band on my wrist every bite. If I ate, I deserved to be punished.
~*~

In other news, My brother has decided to be an arrogant asshole by continually asking me about our step sister's attempted suicide. Let's get this straight first- he hates her, everything about her, has barely had a full conversation with her. Yet he expects me to violate her trust and tell him everything. Since he wants to become a doctor i understand his interest, but honestly its none of his business. He's not worried about her, he's just curious. I find that fucked up.

He will never be able to understand the want of death.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

he will never understand what it's like to hide in your closet and swallow handfuls of Advil while crying. He will never understand what it was like to go to sleep thinking "here we go, finally i can be happy." He will never understand what it felt like to wake up.
~*~

Well girls and boys, tis bed time.

Starve on, Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle- Plato.

Hello world.

Today just started out as a shitty day and ended like one.

First I trip going up the stairs and slam my fingers into the concrete trying to save my face- hurt like a bitch. Then i walk into my classroom and my water bottle falls off my desk, flips over causing the top to act as a missile directly on to my foot, while wearing flip flops-hurt like a bitch. Got called in to work on my day off- fucking sucked. Had my boss ask me if i was pregnant because i was bloated- fucking sucked.

I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

that fucking hurt the most out of today, the physical pain went away quickly while that question will fucking haunt me.

I'm not that fat....am i? I mean, yeah i haven't been sticking to my diet but I'm no where near pregnant status. oh god, this is gonna mind fuck me forever.
~*~

Dear Riki,

I told you before Riki, Ana never lies, without me you are nothing and will turn into a fat slob. 118 lbs? God what is wrong with you! Okay, i will admit it's a nighttime weight, but that is completely unacceptable.

Is it that hard to keep food out of your fucking mouth? I know this seems harsh, but you need this kick in the ass. I'm done playing around watching you turn the body I once worked so hard on into a piece of shit.

Why don't you look at these beautiful girls who can do what you have failed at...
















You need to realize Riki that you can look like them. All you have to do is listen to me.

Love,
Ana
p.s. I'll be watching you, don't disappoint me.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my little thinspo treat for you guys!

Stay Strong, and Think Thin.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Reconnecting

Before the Ana news,

Going through hearing my stepsister attempt suicide has got me thinking. It's always been the thing stopping me- feeling the way i did when i thought i lost her was heart breaking, and i can't put anyone through that...
~*~

Anyway, today was a pretty normal eating day but i went to go buy bud and ended up taking a nature hike but stupidly i was in flip flops. Even though that was annoying i still had a great time, it was awesome being able to go off a main road into this endless seeming forest un-touched by man. So freeing and amazing.

And I defiantly burned cals going up those trails.

I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Stay Strong and Starve On,
Love,
~Riki Ana

Oh my god.

Tonight my stepsister, who i think of as more of a sister than my actual sister, slit her wrist. Shes at the hospital- still alive thank god.

I'm a mess right now.

Fuck, i'm sorry. :(

Damn my beauties i forgot you guys again. I can make the excuses that i was busy, working a lot, etc etc. But whatever forget the past, enjoy the present so let's begin.

Well I'm currently employed. I'm a cashier at a small grocery store and stand all day-so burning calories constantly yay. School is whatever, and my life is bullshit but let's get to the point you all care about.

I'm currently 113 lbs, over the past 2 weeks of restricting i lost 7 lbs so fuck yes.

Today was a good/bad day. We had a half day at school and i ended up getting suspended half way through hahaa, but whatever. Thanks high school that's a great punishment-thanks for the three day weekend!

Then I went to work where my stepsister visited me, my boss started giving me dirty looks so I told her multiple times "Please leave my boss will yell at me" and she refused to listen saying it wont happen. Like, no bitch if I tell you to leave please fucking leave. So finally he told her to leave and then proceeded to yell at me and i got really fucking pissed and told him i tried to get her to leave multiple times and she wouldn't.

gahhh.

Thank god I have a fresh pack of cigarettes or I would have hit someone.

I have work tomorrow 2-8 then on Sunday 10-7 so blogging will be minimum. I'll try to get on at least once a day from now on my beauties.
~*~

The weather in NJ has been crazy lately. A couple days ago was 70 and today was 50, please make up your mind. But with spring coming, I have come to the realization that bikini season is also approaching. FUCK. I'm going to upload some current photos in the next few days so you can see my progress.

I WILL BE 95 LBS BY THE TIME SCHOOL LET'S OUT.
Please Ana, help me restrict and fast so that my body will fade into nothingness and every girl will be green with envy when I walk past them in my itsy bitsy bikini showing my prominent hip bones and defined ribs. Ana give me strength.

~*~

In other news, my depression is still very high. Especially at night- I don't know if it's the darkness or something but I get so suicidal and unhappy. God, it's horrible.

Just remembered something important- Last week i had a pregnancy scare, and oh god, was i scared. My boyfriend, on and off for a year, had a nasty break-up. I was horrified that I would be stuck with his child to constantly remind me of him and the broken heart he left me. Oh and another present that asshole left me with is HPV. yeah, i know.

The thing no one understands is that he was/always will be my first love. The love i gave him was the purest, truest form. I gave him everything I could, my virginity, my heart, my money, my past, my future, and he threw it all away for a whore.

Live and learn, i guess?

.....ugh
~*~

well, that's all i feel like saying right now.
I'll divulge more later.
I love you, my beauties, my friends, my family.
Love,
~Riki Ana

May Ana give you strength.