Special K

Tomorrow ill do my special K diet which will be me eating a cup of special K through the course of the day. :D

I hung out with my guy friend Ian, and we smoked an L and i went and babysat, I'm a great person i know. It was a lot of fun. Ian even kissed me. Yay.

My weight 115.

Unacceptable for school. Goal weight- 105.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Crazy

Yesterday was possibly the worst night of my life.

Let me explain, i went out with my stepsister and we got drunk with a hot guy and his grenade friend. I took the grenade-she owes me. After getting completely shitfaced, i had to go home. i got dropped off down the street and realized i didn't have shoes. I said fuck it and went home anyway.

I was a shit show.

My mom knew immediately and began to fight with me. Then it happened.

I went completely insane. As you all know, i have occasional mental breakdowns. Well, this was the craziest so far. I was bat shit insane. I was on verge of killing myself, something i look down on. I was so completely hopeless and so ready to die i was just figuring out how to do it.

I was so upset and crazy, I'm not even in trouble for coming home drunk.

This episode makes me think i need medication. but i refuse to go to a psychiatrist, i cannot talk to strangers, or anyone else for that matter, about my problems.

I was discussing it with my very close friend and she understood and helped me. The reason i have these breakdowns if bc i repress my emotions. If something bad happens- BAM ill push it to the back of my mind.

Everything i hated about myself came flowing out in a river of depression. I was just yelling at one point- i want to die, just let me die. I hate everything about myself, i hate life. Just let me be at peace.

I was so bad last night i was texting my friends and family good bye. I had every intention of killing myself-The only thing that stopped me? I passed out.

Holy shit.

Love,
~Riki Ana

TIme for a change.

Well, i barely got in trouble for the alcohol thing. Fuck yes.

This morning i ate a pizza for one, puked it up, and that's my meal for the day.

I plan on going to target later with my firend and getting a shit ton of makeup and stuff for back to school. :)

Wow, this post sucks.

Love,
~Riki Ana <3

Depression Hits

It's crazy how much of a fuckup i am. My friends mom found out i sold her daughter booze and now told my mom. I'm going to be in so much trouble. My phones being disconnected and im going to get screamed at. But i swear to god if my mom lays one hand on me i'll beat the shit out of her. I'm not kidding either.

Im so sad right now. Im such a fuckup its crazy.

~
~
~ and the suicidal thoughts begin to hit.

Oh god. I'm even more fucked up than i thought.
I just wanna get hurt. Not enough to die, but enough to make everyone feel bad for me.

The body begins to die after three days without liquid.
^Just a thought.

I'm slowly realizing, im fucked up in the head. I literally thought about jumping in front of cars just so i won't get into trouble.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Also everything is trippy as shit, and i don't know why.

I think i'm fucked up in the head. I called the suicide hot line, again idk, but first they had me on hold for 15 minutes. then i hung up. Then i called back and my phone refused to dial it.

Hmm, perhaps a sign?

Well, tonight if i don't get completely fucked in trouble.... i don't even know.

I just want to run away, or die. I don't even know anymore. I'm just so unhappy. I don't even know why.

This house makes me depressed. That's why I'm never home... also bc my family hates me.

I just want to slip out of conscience for a while is that so much to ask for?

And this is why i like drugs. Too bad they cost money.
I tried coke the other night.

To anyone looking to try it, don't. everyone says coke is this awesome drug. ITS NOT. it sucks. i didnt feel anything except for awake. Wow, the same thing as drinking a red bull. awesome.

All i want is some weed, so i can zone out and fall asleep

is that too much to ask for?

I hate myself.

Love,
~Riki Ana.

p.s. If someone told me this i would give them so much advice and shit. But i feel i dont derseve it.

how fucked up is that?

All my work ruined in a meal.

So today i felt really skinny when i woke up, and decided to weigh myself.
113.5
I LOST 6.5 LBS YAYYY!

so i didn't eat all day in anticipation of a welcome back family dinner i had to go to tonight.
holy shit i ate a lot.

Tomorrow nothing shall pass through these lips.

I probably gained back at least 3 or 4 lbs.
FUCK.

I will be 100 or less by the start of school.
The sad truth?

i don't care how bad it will be losing these 13.5 lbs

I cannot wait to walk into the hallways wearing my new *crossing my fingers* size 1 jeans. (right now I'm a 3) I'll wear a breezy top that flutters and shows my defined hipbones and concave stomach.

I want people to whisper about how skinny I've gotten behind my back.

I will make it happen.

I will make other girls jealous. Fuck everyone who doubts me. It will be nothing be coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Because that's what pretty girls are made of.

~*~

My bi friend from last post wants to kill herself now. I talked to her on the phone for 2 hours listening to her cry.
Her mom told her she would rather her be dead than gay.

If she kills herself, I'll punch her mom in the face. I swear to god.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. Stay Strong beauties. I;m always up for new texting buddies! xoxoxo