Reconnecting

Before the Ana news,

Going through hearing my stepsister attempt suicide has got me thinking. It's always been the thing stopping me- feeling the way i did when i thought i lost her was heart breaking, and i can't put anyone through that...
~*~

Anyway, today was a pretty normal eating day but i went to go buy bud and ended up taking a nature hike but stupidly i was in flip flops. Even though that was annoying i still had a great time, it was awesome being able to go off a main road into this endless seeming forest un-touched by man. So freeing and amazing.

And I defiantly burned cals going up those trails.

I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Stay Strong and Starve On,
Love,
~Riki Ana

Fuck, i'm sorry. :(

Damn my beauties i forgot you guys again. I can make the excuses that i was busy, working a lot, etc etc. But whatever forget the past, enjoy the present so let's begin.

Well I'm currently employed. I'm a cashier at a small grocery store and stand all day-so burning calories constantly yay. School is whatever, and my life is bullshit but let's get to the point you all care about.

I'm currently 113 lbs, over the past 2 weeks of restricting i lost 7 lbs so fuck yes.

Today was a good/bad day. We had a half day at school and i ended up getting suspended half way through hahaa, but whatever. Thanks high school that's a great punishment-thanks for the three day weekend!

Then I went to work where my stepsister visited me, my boss started giving me dirty looks so I told her multiple times "Please leave my boss will yell at me" and she refused to listen saying it wont happen. Like, no bitch if I tell you to leave please fucking leave. So finally he told her to leave and then proceeded to yell at me and i got really fucking pissed and told him i tried to get her to leave multiple times and she wouldn't.

gahhh.

Thank god I have a fresh pack of cigarettes or I would have hit someone.

I have work tomorrow 2-8 then on Sunday 10-7 so blogging will be minimum. I'll try to get on at least once a day from now on my beauties.
~*~

The weather in NJ has been crazy lately. A couple days ago was 70 and today was 50, please make up your mind. But with spring coming, I have come to the realization that bikini season is also approaching. FUCK. I'm going to upload some current photos in the next few days so you can see my progress.

I WILL BE 95 LBS BY THE TIME SCHOOL LET'S OUT.
Please Ana, help me restrict and fast so that my body will fade into nothingness and every girl will be green with envy when I walk past them in my itsy bitsy bikini showing my prominent hip bones and defined ribs. Ana give me strength.

~*~

In other news, my depression is still very high. Especially at night- I don't know if it's the darkness or something but I get so suicidal and unhappy. God, it's horrible.

Just remembered something important- Last week i had a pregnancy scare, and oh god, was i scared. My boyfriend, on and off for a year, had a nasty break-up. I was horrified that I would be stuck with his child to constantly remind me of him and the broken heart he left me. Oh and another present that asshole left me with is HPV. yeah, i know.

The thing no one understands is that he was/always will be my first love. The love i gave him was the purest, truest form. I gave him everything I could, my virginity, my heart, my money, my past, my future, and he threw it all away for a whore.

Live and learn, i guess?

.....ugh
~*~

well, that's all i feel like saying right now.
I'll divulge more later.
I love you, my beauties, my friends, my family.
Love,
~Riki Ana

May Ana give you strength.

Once you feel weak and dizzy your almost there.

SO much shit has happened its crazy. My beautiful blog has been forgotten, i must change that. but first let me tell you all about whats been happening in the shit storm called my life.
~*~
First, I've been a veryyyyy verry bad girl lately. Santa will be giving me a ginormous lump of coal for Christmas. I did some very bad, illegal things that of which i will not go into detail, bc i didn't get caught. so hell yeah on that part, but sad face bc my entire family found out what i did. Which caused me to attempt suicide. I sat in my closet and swallowed two handfuls of Advil. Then i went to bed. You think that would have done the job but i woke up, so i guess that's good. My depression has hit a new high lately. i barely want to pull myself out of bed and when i do it's for school and to get high, weed and spice are my life. i love spice, i trip balls but i know it's stupid for me to do. Imma try to do better......

Next, I'm forced to see a psychologist. Why, might you ask? Well, i decided to call out of work (i got fired bc of it) and go clubbing at a teen club, most annoying part? it wasn't open that night gayyy. i already knew i was in a lot of trouble so i told my parents, no I'm not coming home tonight. See you in the morning and hung up. Let's just say it didn't fly well. I was reported missing to the cops and they recommended i see this doctor. Which is why I'm there.

I hate him, hes an old fat man trying to understand a 16 year old girl rebelling against everyone. I find the fact the can't prescribe me drugs very annoying to me. Obviously I'm fucked in the head. I mean anyone who talks to me for more than an hour realizes it.

Now, don't you all go thinking I've become this crazy lunatic, bc i haven't I'm the same old Riki....somewhere.

My Ana habits were forgotten in this new found life. But now since I've gotten away with it all, I'm retiring my bad habits....well except getting high. But every other illegal thing I've done is in the past.

I'm sitting here eating my Halloween candy looking at blogs and thinspo wondering where my perfect body, my perfect grades...ish, and my perfect life went. Everything was fine back when Ana was my best friend, but i dumped her for drugs and mistakes.

It's time again for me to return. I'm hopeing it will actually stick this time. And i know readers, why trust me? Every blog post, about one a month is repeating the same old lines, but i don't know. This time feels different.

Maybe it's because i can hurt myself, and others. Maybe because I'm sick of being trapped by this body that isn't perfect.

But I'm back. And this time I'm fucking ready. :)
~*~

Tomorrow will be very little food. I won't count too harshly so my return will be a descent instead of a yo-yo drop.

My Halloween candy is calling my name.
Do i have enough strength to turn down its siren song?
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength.

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

All my work ruined in a meal.

So today i felt really skinny when i woke up, and decided to weigh myself.
113.5
I LOST 6.5 LBS YAYYY!

so i didn't eat all day in anticipation of a welcome back family dinner i had to go to tonight.
holy shit i ate a lot.

Tomorrow nothing shall pass through these lips.

I probably gained back at least 3 or 4 lbs.
FUCK.

I will be 100 or less by the start of school.
The sad truth?

i don't care how bad it will be losing these 13.5 lbs

I cannot wait to walk into the hallways wearing my new *crossing my fingers* size 1 jeans. (right now I'm a 3) I'll wear a breezy top that flutters and shows my defined hipbones and concave stomach.

I want people to whisper about how skinny I've gotten behind my back.

I will make it happen.

I will make other girls jealous. Fuck everyone who doubts me. It will be nothing be coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Because that's what pretty girls are made of.

~*~

My bi friend from last post wants to kill herself now. I talked to her on the phone for 2 hours listening to her cry.
Her mom told her she would rather her be dead than gay.

If she kills herself, I'll punch her mom in the face. I swear to god.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. Stay Strong beauties. I;m always up for new texting buddies! xoxoxo

New day :)

I feel, i don't know, Happy. Shocker. Maybe it's the holidays or that it's the weekend but I'm fucking happy. Or it could be NikkiThin's comment "pot hits the spot eh? :)" That made me giggle.

Good times.

I feel like now at this point in my life i would try anything. Which isn't that smart i guess, but you only live once right? I have a tumblr, For the other side of me that people see everyday, and it's all about living life to the fullest and all that stuff.

Like now, i want to drink, smoke pot and have fun.

But there are friends of mine i never would tell this stuff to. I only do certain things with certain friends. Call me two-face, but it's how it is. I have a friend, never will do anything bad in her life, i am laid back, and "normal" with. She will never know about my smoking and drinking. She looks down on these things.

Then there are my friends I'm very close with, who also want to do these things, but lately it seems like i am the only one. That means, I'll have to find another person.... hmm, this is getting complicated :/

I know i have one friend Sa, who will always have fun with me. :) She hasn't tried pot yet though but we always talk about it. Next time brother updates his stash, lil' sis is going to play. :D

Oh yea, then i have another group of friend's I'm halfway me with. They also will never find out about the drinking/smoking. Except for D, i think I'll convince him one day to try it. I totally believe i could if i really tried.

Then there is the step-sister. I'm full out with her. That's when I'm drinking, and next time i see her I'm going to tell her about the weed. Except the story might get changed. i didn't do it alone in my house, i did it with friends, and friends of friends. Then one day maybe if i can convince her to smoke together. :)

I may sound stupid, and a two-face, or schizo but sometimes it's better to hide you are with certain people, and you know that too.

For all i know, i have no idea who i am or what i want. But that's the point of teenage years i guess, to make mistakes, discover yourself, and have fun.

I plan on having fun and one day maybe I'll combine all of my sides, i feel like it wouldn't work out well...... hmmm
~*~

In Ana news, today will be my first official day back. :) yay. I bought lemon green tea it's amazing!!!!!!!!!

I'll probably try to stay between 1000-1200 just a tweak to ease myself back in.

I leave you with some pics from my tumblr, and the message just to fucking LIVE, you only get to do this once so you might as well have fun and be thin while your doing it.

Live in the moment,
Enjoy yourself.
Love,
~Riki Ana

I'm Back!!

The day before yesterday i got back from my vacation in North Carolina. For once it was quite......entertaining. I lost 7 lbs during the 4 day trip even though i ate like a pig. I went from 120 to 113. Right now i'm at 115.

But i cannot lose any weight for the time being.

Why, might you ask? Because on said trip i got my belly button pierced. If i was any skinnier i wouldn't have been able to get it done. The guy said i was so thin and my stomach was so tight that i had barley any skin there. Also if i lose any more weight my piercing will start to move out of my body because the skin will strecth tighter.

I regret getting done. :( I just don't like it, it doesn't feel like me. I'm thinking about taking it out before it heals so i won't have any scar from it.

But my dad will be pissed because he paid for it.

Gah, i don't know what to do.

Ooh, i have picture for you!!! I have one of my piercing and a picture of me. I look like crap in both. I was on vacation! Who tries to look nice on vacation, seriously?!?!


I was sitting down so my tummy looks big.

*Picture has been removed by author*

It was windy so my hair was crazy, haha. I'll show you better pics next time. In that pic i wasn't happy because I was bored so I'll get you guys one of me smiling next time. :)

That's all for now!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Ana? Where are you?

I miss her voice. I don't hear it as often as i used too. You all know what I'm saying. That tiny hiss from inside you. Don't eat that. The voice that makes you run to the scale. You fat pig. The voice that makes you examine every inch of you skin. Look at yourself. No wonder you have no friends. They probably can't stand the sight of you. The voice that gives you hope. You're so close to your goal weight! Keep going, I know you can do it!!!

I think she's pissed at me. I've been eating way too much. Though i lost a pound. She'll come back, once she see's how strong i am. :D

~*~
Anyway, creepy rambling aside. I feel so defeated. Like i can't do anything right.

BLEH!

I'm sick of sadness. I'm sick of depression. I just want to be happy. Which i am.... Kind of. I feel like people are never truly happy. We always have that dread in the back of our mind. Those bills coming up, the baby is sick, i'm failing this class, how can i take my family on vacation, i have to get that project done, etc.

We are stressed, but that's life. In drama class someone read this monologue that made me think. It was all about how you shouldn't focus on being happy. No, you can't obtain happy. You should just try to be ok.

And you know what?

I think, i'm ok.

I'm not happy, i'm not sad. At this very moment, i feel ok. No more defeated attitude. I'm ok, i'm not exactly sure what that means, or the consequences of that feeling are, but i'm ready to see.
~*~

In OhMyGosh's blog awhile back she said something very true.
"As I mentioned a few posts back, McDonald’s has a billboard that is all red with a box of fries on it. The only thing it says is, “Box of Happiness.” Fuck you, McDonald’s, but you’re right. Your fries would have made me happy for a second but then I would have hated myself for the rest of the week. Right… a moment on the lips, forever on the hips."

When I eat, it makes me feel better. The taste and smell of food makes me forget my worries....for a moment. Then i feel bloated and fat. Also i get the joy of looking at the scale the next day which is flippen fantastic. But it has too stop. I need something else to ake me feel better... instead of food.
~*~

My friend B is depressed. I'm really upset that i can't help her. She's gone through a lot of shit in her short life so far. More than some have to experience in a lifetime. I'm scared. In 8th grade she was going to kill herself. Luckily my other friend C and I were talking to her all day trying to lift her spirits. I thank god it worked.

She told me this year that if we weren't there, she wouldn't be here today.

It breaks my heart that she's hurting. I wish there was someway to take her pain. I hate seeing people being hurt. I would rather have her pain then let her have to deal with it. My cousin always says I would give someone what they needed even if it ment giving it up myself.

She was crying all day on Friday. Going to the bathroom to cry. Not talking, and moving away when we got close.

I hate to see her sad. I wish it was at a person so at least i could hit them or something.

She's hurting herself emotionally, and maybe psychically. She said she hasn't done it since last year but who knows.

I'm so fucking hypocritical. I'm technically hurting myself by not eating, but she can't hurt herself other ways. It's always different for someone else instead of yourself.

I just want her to be happy, even if i can't be it myself. "I'm the type of girl that be so hurt but still look at you and smile. The type of girl that will brighten your day, even if i can't brighten my own."

Love,
~Riki Ana

This is me.

I know. I'm supposed to be this big strong blogger who you look up to in your time of weakness to show yourself that SHE can do it, so WHY can't you? Well, I'm not.I'm the girl who has many failures with the occasional good day. I'm the girl that stays strong in front of you but cracks the moment no eyes are on her. One of my favorite quotes that describe me is "I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt, but still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own" I feel that is very true for me. When someone wants to tell me something, i shut up and listen. I observe. I'm.....a loner, you could say. I don't have many friends just a couple close ones, who i love dearly. Sure, we fight. The occasional shove or slap. but later that same day we will laugh about the stupid thing we were mad about.



My friends say they look up to me since i have so much confidence, and i'm so strong, and self-willed. Ha. yea that's what you see but it's not who i am. "Don't be so quick to judge me, You only see what i choose to show." Very true. I show exactly what i think you need. Most of the time i mainly act bitchy. It's who i am, well who i show. I'm a very sensitive person, though i wouldn't DARE to show it. My friends have only seen me cry once in the 10yrs i've known them. I got hit in the face with a basketball. Not even emotional tears they saw. I've seen my friends cry too many times to count.



I don't sugar-coat. Even if it's what they want me to do. You want my advice? I give it to you. i don't care if you don't like it, that's the truth. I'm not going to sit there and tell you it's going to be ok if its a lie. I'm not going to give you false hope. I don't believe that's the right thing to do.



The words you say, even if your "joking" cut like a razor into my mind. "Every just kidding, has some part truth."



The only part of my body I like is my back. Don't ask me why, but I think someone's back is the most beautiful part of them.



I know I'm not fat from other people's eyes. But i don't care what your eyes see. the only opinion that matters is your own. And i don't like what i see, so I'm going to change my shape into whatever i like. You don't like the bony figure i want to become. Cool. i don't care, i think it's beautiful, so shut the hell up.

I'm a comma whore, if you haven't noticed. Put them ALL over my posts. Not even on purpose. I think they belong there, so guess what? They are going to be there.

When i grow up i want to become a psychologist. I want to help people through thier problems.
My favorite color is pink.
I'm in love with Three Days Grace.
I'm bicurious. (Though you guys are the first to know)
I will proably never tell anyone that i'm bicurious.
I'm Roman Catholic.
I enjoy Greek Gods/Goddess.
I love reading books especially dark ones. I don't like happy endings unless there is some sort of twist. EXAMPLE: Identical-Ella Hopkins
I feel like happy endings, like the ones in movies and books, aren't realistic.
I do not lie on this blog.
I crumble under pressure.
No matter how long i've known you, you will prolly never see the me i keep hidden inside.
I will do whatever i can do to make you happy.
I love watching movies. Especially horror movies.
I feel like i'm a complex person, trying to be a simple one.
I love my dog, even though he's eaten all of my favorite things.
If i get the chance to have kids, i'm naming my daughter Riki.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in Fate.
I believe in Karma.
I love chocolate ice cream.
I'm a sucker for chicken.
I'll do anything for my brother and sister to make them happy.
I love my mom with all of my heart.
I love my dad, even with what he did to my mom. I will always love him.
I believe in ghosts.
I think there is a heaven.
I wish upon stars.
I hate spiders and any bug for that matter.
I hate running.
I love walking.
I don't think i'm pretty.
I love listening to my ipod.
My favorite thing to do is sit on my bed while reading a good book with my ipod plugged in and looking out the window on a rainy day.
I like feeling pretty during a fast.
I hate feeling any kind of guilt.
I get emotional. Quickly.
I ramble.
I go to bed early.
I tell stories badly.
I wish i would fall in love.
I wish i was loved.


This is me. the abridged portion. I could keep writing for days. This is the person you're reading about. This is who i am, who i want to be. I am ,to you guys, Riki Ana. To others i am a name you don't know. I'm just a person like anyone else on the street.

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

But you guys want to read about me. My life. And for that i am honored.
I'll post updates on my weight tomorrow.

I love you all. Truely.
~Riki Ana

Poems.

I wrote this, tell me what you think.

Life

I stand in front of the mirror and stare

You will never be good enough, it’s not fair.

She has all the beauty, inside and out.

Is this really what it’s about?

The snacks call my name

It makes me feel ashamed

Fat lazy bitch she calls out

I just sit there taking it as I fill my mouth

You want to be pretty just like me?

I nod my head up and down

She punches me in the stomach as I cry out

Hurts too much to eat right? She asks with a devious smile

All I can think about is the bile rising in my throat

I choke it back, I deserve it I say.

I get ready for another day of this

You call it madness, I call it life.

It is all worth it.