Hello world.

Today just started out as a shitty day and ended like one.

First I trip going up the stairs and slam my fingers into the concrete trying to save my face- hurt like a bitch. Then i walk into my classroom and my water bottle falls off my desk, flips over causing the top to act as a missile directly on to my foot, while wearing flip flops-hurt like a bitch. Got called in to work on my day off- fucking sucked. Had my boss ask me if i was pregnant because i was bloated- fucking sucked.

I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

that fucking hurt the most out of today, the physical pain went away quickly while that question will fucking haunt me.

I'm not that fat....am i? I mean, yeah i haven't been sticking to my diet but I'm no where near pregnant status. oh god, this is gonna mind fuck me forever.
~*~

Dear Riki,

I told you before Riki, Ana never lies, without me you are nothing and will turn into a fat slob. 118 lbs? God what is wrong with you! Okay, i will admit it's a nighttime weight, but that is completely unacceptable.

Is it that hard to keep food out of your fucking mouth? I know this seems harsh, but you need this kick in the ass. I'm done playing around watching you turn the body I once worked so hard on into a piece of shit.

Why don't you look at these beautiful girls who can do what you have failed at...
















You need to realize Riki that you can look like them. All you have to do is listen to me.

Love,
Ana
p.s. I'll be watching you, don't disappoint me.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my little thinspo treat for you guys!

Stay Strong, and Think Thin.
Love,
~Riki Ana

All my work ruined in a meal.

So today i felt really skinny when i woke up, and decided to weigh myself.
113.5
I LOST 6.5 LBS YAYYY!

so i didn't eat all day in anticipation of a welcome back family dinner i had to go to tonight.
holy shit i ate a lot.

Tomorrow nothing shall pass through these lips.

I probably gained back at least 3 or 4 lbs.
FUCK.

I will be 100 or less by the start of school.
The sad truth?

i don't care how bad it will be losing these 13.5 lbs

I cannot wait to walk into the hallways wearing my new *crossing my fingers* size 1 jeans. (right now I'm a 3) I'll wear a breezy top that flutters and shows my defined hipbones and concave stomach.

I want people to whisper about how skinny I've gotten behind my back.

I will make it happen.

I will make other girls jealous. Fuck everyone who doubts me. It will be nothing be coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Because that's what pretty girls are made of.

~*~

My bi friend from last post wants to kill herself now. I talked to her on the phone for 2 hours listening to her cry.
Her mom told her she would rather her be dead than gay.

If she kills herself, I'll punch her mom in the face. I swear to god.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. Stay Strong beauties. I;m always up for new texting buddies! xoxoxo

Done with my bullshit

OK so i got in trouble with my mom again. She found out I've been cutting classes again, luckily she didn't find out that i cut school. I'm not going to to the beach Friday. I'm allowed to just I'm making the change to be a better person.

I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I'm done with it. I'm scared, but I've been researching online. To help with quiting I'm going to do a three day juice fast, that's what they recommend.

My mom is disappointed in me truthfully, i don't even know who I am anymore. I miss being close with my mom, i was the one she could always depend on. Now I'm the fuck up of the family.

I need this.
I need to be a better person.
And this is the first step.
I will be thinner, nicer, and stronger.
Anyone who says I can't do it can go fuck themselves.

This is the perfect time because summer is approaching. This is going to be a summer of new me.

MY GOALS
1. Quit Smoking
2. Lose 10 lbs and become 110
3. Gain my mom's trust again
4. No more cutting classes
5. Do better in school
6. No more fucking up my life
7. Stay away from bad influences
8. Be happy with the person I am.
9. Eat healthier
10. Take responsibility for my actions.

Love,
~Riki Ana
I'll update more in a little bit.
Its only been about an hour since my last cigarette and I'm already craving another.
Wish me luck.

New day :)

I feel, i don't know, Happy. Shocker. Maybe it's the holidays or that it's the weekend but I'm fucking happy. Or it could be NikkiThin's comment "pot hits the spot eh? :)" That made me giggle.

Good times.

I feel like now at this point in my life i would try anything. Which isn't that smart i guess, but you only live once right? I have a tumblr, For the other side of me that people see everyday, and it's all about living life to the fullest and all that stuff.

Like now, i want to drink, smoke pot and have fun.

But there are friends of mine i never would tell this stuff to. I only do certain things with certain friends. Call me two-face, but it's how it is. I have a friend, never will do anything bad in her life, i am laid back, and "normal" with. She will never know about my smoking and drinking. She looks down on these things.

Then there are my friends I'm very close with, who also want to do these things, but lately it seems like i am the only one. That means, I'll have to find another person.... hmm, this is getting complicated :/

I know i have one friend Sa, who will always have fun with me. :) She hasn't tried pot yet though but we always talk about it. Next time brother updates his stash, lil' sis is going to play. :D

Oh yea, then i have another group of friend's I'm halfway me with. They also will never find out about the drinking/smoking. Except for D, i think I'll convince him one day to try it. I totally believe i could if i really tried.

Then there is the step-sister. I'm full out with her. That's when I'm drinking, and next time i see her I'm going to tell her about the weed. Except the story might get changed. i didn't do it alone in my house, i did it with friends, and friends of friends. Then one day maybe if i can convince her to smoke together. :)

I may sound stupid, and a two-face, or schizo but sometimes it's better to hide you are with certain people, and you know that too.

For all i know, i have no idea who i am or what i want. But that's the point of teenage years i guess, to make mistakes, discover yourself, and have fun.

I plan on having fun and one day maybe I'll combine all of my sides, i feel like it wouldn't work out well...... hmmm
~*~

In Ana news, today will be my first official day back. :) yay. I bought lemon green tea it's amazing!!!!!!!!!

I'll probably try to stay between 1000-1200 just a tweak to ease myself back in.

I leave you with some pics from my tumblr, and the message just to fucking LIVE, you only get to do this once so you might as well have fun and be thin while your doing it.

Live in the moment,
Enjoy yourself.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Gahh

Yesterday's treat was a little.....Large. Which is like my weight right now. Today was....let's refer to today as a EWWWWW day, shall we?



Tomorrow=No excuses.



I'm sick of lying to myself every fucking day. I wake up in the morning saying "Ok, i'm going to do good! Remember your fasting today. Water and Juice" Then around 4th period right before lunch, i ask myself "well, should i eat? Something small maybe? A side salad?" Of course not. I get fries. Disgusting cafeteria fries. Oh and listen to this. The lunch lady just immediately says "fries?" and serves them without even looking up to see my order. Yea, i'm that person. I'm a fat, coming back for more, customer.



I'm disgusted with myself. I need to not give up halfway through the day!



I'm making a promise. I'm fasting tomorrow, and i PINKY SWEAR to you guys that i will not break it.





~*~
Anyway, i've been thinking about the whole cigarette thing. That has been the main topic of my mind for the past 2 days. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to smoke another one. Like, i've been through the health classes, I know the side effects, i know it's bad. But oh, is it alluring.


But then i think of my mom, and her smoker's cough. Then again, i think of it's effect of getting rid of cravings. I believe over the years, i have smoker's lungs already. Whenever my mom smokes she blows it towards me instead of my sister, since my sister has bronchial something. :/


I know for a fact, my brother AND sister smoke, what? i'm not entirely sure, If you catch my drift.



So, i'm thinking.


~*~
I'm like 99.9% sure i'm getting sick. My throat is starting to hurt, and my neck itself hurts, my back hurts, ughh i'm all achy. :(
Anyway, to brighten your day and mine here is a beautiful pic i discovered. I'll think about her while i fast tomorrow!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! It is currently 54 degrees out, and it's going to go up to a GORGEOUS 73 with partly cloudy skies. Winds are NNW at 5 to 10 mph.

^^^Wouldn't i make great weather-woman?^^^

Hehe anyway back in normal people world, i am down 1 lbs today. 115. OK. Not good, but better than before. As you can see, I'm bored as hell. I'm weird when I'm bored hahah.

Oh yea, brother drama has been smoothed over. He apologized and took me to taco bell where we ate in his car and watched TV shows on his i-touch. He had the WORST day ever and i guess he needed a release or something. I feel like it sucks for non-bloggers, because yesterday i was sooooo hyped up about what happened and writing it to you guys made me calm down and process the situation. Others don't have that so the stew in their upset-ness till they explode!

I'm in a good mood today as you can prolly tell. haha. Today i think i might fast, but if i can't make it the whole day i'll eat something so 0-500 cals today.

Yesterday I tried smoking a cigarette for the first time. I didn't really like the way it tasted or anything, but i like the way it felt. Forbidden. I know it's bad for my health, i don't really think I'll do it again. After all that happened yesterday i felt like just doing SOMETHING, so i stole a pack of my mom's cigarettes and took 1. No one was home, so i stood in front of the mirror blowing puffs of smoke in the bathroom. Then i heard my brothers car pull in. FUCK. So i shut the bathroom door, and threw the window open and sprayed hairspray to cover the scent. Then i started brushing my teeth, I did that twice, and rinsed with super strong mouth wash twice.

Then my brother said to get in his car to go to taco bell. (I got a 150 cal fresco taco btw) So i grabbed a perfume bottle and sprayed it. I smelled really strong of it. Then i got into his car and i could still taste the cigarette! I was so worried he could too! So i kept the window open, while he complained of how i smelt so bad of the perfume. Then after I ate the taco i felt better, since i could no longer taste it.

So yesterday was very....Eventful.

Today I'm taking a road trip with the family to Pennsylvania. So today will be easy to get by with no food. :)

Love,

~Riki Ana

xoxoxo