Well, Duh.

Today was uneventful except that i bought a 4 pack of fruit cups-70 cals per cup, and some white cheddar rice cakes-45 cals a piece.

In the morning I drank a bottle of water then a diet Snapple, another bottle of water, ate a salad at school, then i came home and went to work. My mom decided to surprise me with Wendy's. Oh god, I couldn't resist-chicken nugget and fry kids meal, bc she knows i don't eat a whole order haaha. I ate it but with Ana's voice screaming in my head i snapped a rubber band on my wrist every bite. If I ate, I deserved to be punished.
~*~

In other news, My brother has decided to be an arrogant asshole by continually asking me about our step sister's attempted suicide. Let's get this straight first- he hates her, everything about her, has barely had a full conversation with her. Yet he expects me to violate her trust and tell him everything. Since he wants to become a doctor i understand his interest, but honestly its none of his business. He's not worried about her, he's just curious. I find that fucked up.

He will never be able to understand the want of death.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

he will never understand what it's like to hide in your closet and swallow handfuls of Advil while crying. He will never understand what it was like to go to sleep thinking "here we go, finally i can be happy." He will never understand what it felt like to wake up.
~*~

Well girls and boys, tis bed time.

Starve on, Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle- Plato.

Hello world.

Today just started out as a shitty day and ended like one.

First I trip going up the stairs and slam my fingers into the concrete trying to save my face- hurt like a bitch. Then i walk into my classroom and my water bottle falls off my desk, flips over causing the top to act as a missile directly on to my foot, while wearing flip flops-hurt like a bitch. Got called in to work on my day off- fucking sucked. Had my boss ask me if i was pregnant because i was bloated- fucking sucked.

I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

that fucking hurt the most out of today, the physical pain went away quickly while that question will fucking haunt me.

I'm not that fat....am i? I mean, yeah i haven't been sticking to my diet but I'm no where near pregnant status. oh god, this is gonna mind fuck me forever.
~*~

Dear Riki,

I told you before Riki, Ana never lies, without me you are nothing and will turn into a fat slob. 118 lbs? God what is wrong with you! Okay, i will admit it's a nighttime weight, but that is completely unacceptable.

Is it that hard to keep food out of your fucking mouth? I know this seems harsh, but you need this kick in the ass. I'm done playing around watching you turn the body I once worked so hard on into a piece of shit.

Why don't you look at these beautiful girls who can do what you have failed at...
















You need to realize Riki that you can look like them. All you have to do is listen to me.

Love,
Ana
p.s. I'll be watching you, don't disappoint me.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my little thinspo treat for you guys!

Stay Strong, and Think Thin.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Once you feel weak and dizzy your almost there.

SO much shit has happened its crazy. My beautiful blog has been forgotten, i must change that. but first let me tell you all about whats been happening in the shit storm called my life.
~*~
First, I've been a veryyyyy verry bad girl lately. Santa will be giving me a ginormous lump of coal for Christmas. I did some very bad, illegal things that of which i will not go into detail, bc i didn't get caught. so hell yeah on that part, but sad face bc my entire family found out what i did. Which caused me to attempt suicide. I sat in my closet and swallowed two handfuls of Advil. Then i went to bed. You think that would have done the job but i woke up, so i guess that's good. My depression has hit a new high lately. i barely want to pull myself out of bed and when i do it's for school and to get high, weed and spice are my life. i love spice, i trip balls but i know it's stupid for me to do. Imma try to do better......

Next, I'm forced to see a psychologist. Why, might you ask? Well, i decided to call out of work (i got fired bc of it) and go clubbing at a teen club, most annoying part? it wasn't open that night gayyy. i already knew i was in a lot of trouble so i told my parents, no I'm not coming home tonight. See you in the morning and hung up. Let's just say it didn't fly well. I was reported missing to the cops and they recommended i see this doctor. Which is why I'm there.

I hate him, hes an old fat man trying to understand a 16 year old girl rebelling against everyone. I find the fact the can't prescribe me drugs very annoying to me. Obviously I'm fucked in the head. I mean anyone who talks to me for more than an hour realizes it.

Now, don't you all go thinking I've become this crazy lunatic, bc i haven't I'm the same old Riki....somewhere.

My Ana habits were forgotten in this new found life. But now since I've gotten away with it all, I'm retiring my bad habits....well except getting high. But every other illegal thing I've done is in the past.

I'm sitting here eating my Halloween candy looking at blogs and thinspo wondering where my perfect body, my perfect grades...ish, and my perfect life went. Everything was fine back when Ana was my best friend, but i dumped her for drugs and mistakes.

It's time again for me to return. I'm hopeing it will actually stick this time. And i know readers, why trust me? Every blog post, about one a month is repeating the same old lines, but i don't know. This time feels different.

Maybe it's because i can hurt myself, and others. Maybe because I'm sick of being trapped by this body that isn't perfect.

But I'm back. And this time I'm fucking ready. :)
~*~

Tomorrow will be very little food. I won't count too harshly so my return will be a descent instead of a yo-yo drop.

My Halloween candy is calling my name.
Do i have enough strength to turn down its siren song?
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength.

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Fuck you life.

So this fat bitch is telling people im a baby ho. Oh really? I wanna fucking slash her tires. She's saying imma hoe when she has the clap? wtf.... well i cant say much on the std part but im not a whore like she is. one time she gave me a ride home and this phrase came out of her mouth...
"Well he's not attractive but dick is dick so whatever."

WHAT THE FUCK?

ughghfgifsdfiaofgrjhiogtferio;vfgoweraghioerahg
im so pissed.
~*~

but in other news
I've stayed below 1500 for a week
and now im staying below 1200

i wanna do a fast soon.

I miss the feeling of hollowness, the empty growl.

Mmmm, i want it back.
I'll get it too.
I fucking will.

Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. i have so much more to say but i'm beat tonight. Tomorrow ill re-open up my life to all you beautiful boys and girls.



****HOLY SHIT I FORGOT!****
I have a phone now, so leave me a comment and ill give you my number so we can be Ana texting buddies, that will seriously keep me on track

Sometimes all you need is that little shove...

Hola my beauties :)

Friday i did end up going to the beach, i ate a hot dog and fries from Nathans, i had a slice of pizza from a pizza place, then for dinner we went out to Chili's and shared appetizers- Nachos, Artichoke and spinach dip, and this spicy cheese dip. Mmm.

Friday Night, i slept for 2 hours.

Saturday, I woke up extremely depressed. I don't know why. I felt like a fuck up and failure in all aspects of my life. I ate a cookie from Dunkin Donuts to make me feel better, than i had a little bit of popcorn, and personal pizza, then for dinner i had a piece of grilled chicken.


*EDIT* My blogger fucked me over and didn't publish my whole post. It only published up to here. It was a good fucking post too. Goddamn it. Here's my crappy re-write :(

I slept all of Saturday, and all night. I woke up about half an hour ago. It is Sunday 940 AM

On Saturday whenever i woke up i was having trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality. My dreams were so realistic, my mind couldn't tell the difference.

This morning i woke up feeling physically- euphoric kinda like a high, but not quite there. I had an urge to weigh myself.

116.

I lost 4 lbs. :)

I know it's not a lot, but it's the shove i need to really start my weight loss.
~*~

At the beach there was an obviously anorexic girl. Her arms were so thin there was no meat, just skin wrapping bone. The only part of her that was "thick" and i use the term thick VERY loosely, was her calves. they were very muscular.
Truthfully it was kinda gross looking. I don't like the whole "so thin i could drop dead at any moment" look. I like the slightly underweight, model looking kinda anorexic.

But that's just my personal preference.
~*~

So i did stop smoking for a day. That day was easy as fuck. I realized something, I'm not addicted to cigarettes yet. But here's the thing i enjoy smoking. I like the feel of it curling in my lungs, the look of it coming from my parted lips.

My friend who smokes said this, once you stop enjoying smoking that's when your addicted. I do something i enjoy, once i stop enjoying smoking ill stop.

Im so annoyed blogger didnt publish my whole post. It was so fucking well worded, and i cant remember the way i put shit and all of the topics i touched on.

FUCK YOU BLOGGER.

Love,
~Riki Ana

PMSing, oh joy

Apparently my period has decided to turn me into the biggest bitch of all time. Normally I'm not moody i just angrier easier, but so far this one has made me the posterchild of PMS.

Like yesterday i woke up to find i bled through my pad, through my underwear and through my very thick sweatpants on to my bed. WHAT THE FUCK? so i got up and went to the bathroom and changed i dropped something, i can't remember what, but i lifted my head and smacked at on our wooden door for towels thingy. It hurt like a bitch, then i got angry and my mom was saying something to me and i freaked on her. She then said something back and i started crying. Like what the hell?

Thank god i haven't been in school, or else everyone would think i was crazy.

~*~

I want to thank lov2laff for her sweet comment. it's nice to know people understand what I'm trying to get across.

OH AND HOLY SHIT.

I HAVE 130 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's amazing! You can't even guess how happy that makes me. :)

Well, i just heard my sister get up so i got to go my beauties.

Love,

~Riki Ana

Sorry for this short shitty post, I'll make up for it next time. :)

Off in wonderland...

Well, news again. I have tried weed for the second time in my life. This time something actually happened. Let's review, the first time i tried it was over the summer with my best friend, the one that was supposed to move away but didn't luckily, nothing happened afterwards. Maybe it was because i took a leaf from my bro's pot plant grinded and smoked it. hahaha. This time i found my bro's stash of a colorful glass mini-bong filled with some pot. My sister and i were supposed to have a bonding day but she ditched me for her friends.

I was pissed and i saw my brother hiding something there once so i went and looked. And lucky me i found it. Trying to find my brothers stash is kinda a hobby of mine. So i lit a really long match and lit the pot, which was mostly ash, and took a insane breath in and swallowed the breath. I didn't cough, i did that a couple more times, maybe 2 or 3, then i took one more really deep breath and i felt it go down my throat burning on it's way down. I knew it was inhaled that time. SO i went upstairs and put on pink floyd for effect haha, then i got that feeling when your starting to get tipsy when drinking. That effect lasted for about 25 minutes. I don't know if it was from the weed, or the major adreline rush i was experincing. But i do know one thing, that bong and i are going to get aquated quite a bit more often. Sorry bro, little sis wants to have some fun too.

Oh his birthday was yesterday too. I was going to write him a poem but it ended up being mean, but here it is for you.

Happy birthday bro!
21 yrs old, wow what a milestone.
Well, not really, mainly now you can do what you did,
but without getting aressted.
How's being an adult big bro?
I guess i wouldn't know,
You always telling me to be more mature,
More like you.
But oh, big bro
Wouldn't you like to know,
That i'm already in your foot steps!
The stuff you did senior year i'm doing now!
Does that make you happy?
Oh big bro, Wouldn't you wish to know?
Aren't you proud?
I'm like you!
Only i'm doing it better,
Or rather,
I'm doing it younger.
Happy Birthday
Love, you lil' sis!

This is my second try the first one got scribbled out because i wrote it during class.

Oh, and i need to start again :( i've once again strayed from the path. Damn. It just so fucking hard. I never remeber it being like this! What the hell has changed?

Well, that's all i have for now. I'll update again tomorrow hopefully. :)

Love,
~Riki Ana

Be a voice, not an echo.

What's up my loves!?!

So yesterday I went out to dinner with my best friend and her older sister, BEST TIME EVER. I did end up eating a lot of food, but I'm not going to bash my head in over it. We were messing with these two waiters all night, it was funny. The restaurant we went to gives you crayons to draw on the paper which covers the table and we wrote "WE LOVE DAVID AND JON!

Then we showed it to them. They were creeped out a little i think. hahahaha. Then we wrote them letters and put the tip in them to made sure they will read it. hahaha.

Good times.

Today my family is going to get our Christmas tree! We always eat at this one dinner every year, so i think that will be my only meal today. :)

By the way, isn't that article crazy from last post? Just another reason thinner is always the winner. ;)

So i must be off, sorry for the lame short post. More tomorrow, now that my computer is fixed :D

I'm so fucking happy to be back.

Stay Strong

Think Thin

Love,

~Riki Ana

Where has time gone?

Last post: October 5th.

What the hell happened? So much has happened to me and you guys haven't been informed.

Ok so let's see, i got drunk for the first time ever on Saturday. Holy crap, i know. A couple hours of my life gone. *poof*
It wasn't as awesome as everyone makes it out to be.
My friend who wasn't there asked me how it was. I couldn't explain. I feel like part of me, my innocence?, has gone. I know I'm still much more innocent in some ways. But part of my rose-colored glasses have been broken. That fact makes me sad. It makes me realize childhood is pretty damn awesome.

Food wise, I've been pretty normal. Wait, not even pretty. I've been perfectly normal.

Which isn't so perfect.

122.5
The highest I've ever been.

I have slight muffin top; not enough to be gross for other people to look at but large enough for me to notice. I can tell my trust-worthy metabolism is slowly beginning to fail me.


I don't know where me and Ana stand at this point. I don't hear the viscous whisper of whether or not i should eat any more. Every once in a while she speak at lunch, and everyone once in a while I'll listen. But we all are aware of what I did when i got home. *mouth drooling at the thought*

Should I make a full comeback?

I want too, I really do.
But I'm worried about my, i can't think of the word, motivation? No that's not it.
My ability to starve.

Can i handle having Ana return to me? I faintly remember my prime of Ana. *sigh*

I planned on slimming down today. So yesterday after dinner, penne and vodka sauce, i got a packet of breakfast essentials, a drink mix full of vitamins and healthy shit, drank that mixed into a full glass of whole milk and took a multi-vitamin.

So i would be all healthed up my descent.

Can i, the pudgy normal eater, become skinny once more?

Hmmm, we shall see.

Love,
~Riki Ana
P.s. I've missed you all so much!!!!!!!

Oh and i hope Thanksgiving to all you who celebrate it didn't get you down too much.

As i was walking through a life one morning...

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it.

Thanks Ted Leo and Pharmacists, if only it's that easy.

I guess it is. But you have to have the right mind set. I remember the time of beginning of freshman year, i fasted for 3 days, you could say it was easy as pie, but now instead of fighting that pie I'm eating it.

Little side note here, what is so easy about pie? My friend baked one and it look hard to do. Stupid lying food quotes.

I've been so tired lately. I wake up in the morning tired go to school tired, then i shake up things around 4 period and get hungry then after a easy period of standing around in gym after eating lunch of course, i go to chemistry.... you guessed it tired.

What the fuck. I was never this tired even when my days were 500 calories.

I think about Ana a lot. I wonder if i could do my fasts again, drop some pounds, enjoy some beautiful bones.

Maybe, she'd take me back. Even though I'm currently tainted with fatty foods and disgusting amounts of soda, and not the zero calorie kind.

But we can work through that... I hope.

Maybe tomorrow I'll cleanse my system with a fast? I wonder if i could do that? I think i can.

Starting tonight at midnight, i will not eat a morsel of food. This will end tomorrow night at midnight. But i probably will not consume food until breakfast the next morning.

Quoting good ol' teddy
Fighting for the smallest goal-to gain a little self control.

It's time for my fight to begin once more.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Lovely Returns and Computer Fuck Ups

Oh my god girls, I've missed you soooo much! Holy crap. All I've thought about is getting back to this blog!

My computer is sooooo f-ed up! It takes soooo long to load and ughhh, but luckily it's giving m a break so i can type this :)

I'm ready to restart my weight loss. I'm not exactly sure of my current weight. 115-117 is what i believe it to be in. But today...started off badly **cough-fries-cough** but later I'm going for a hike with my dog so liquids till then, after that I'm walking around town with my friend :) maybe some 10cal sugar free red bulls if my day goes as planned.
~*~

Yesterday i went into the city with my family. It was so much fun! I got a new purse, it's a blue Coach bag, we got it from this Chinese lady in china town. It was only 35 bucks and it looks really real. hahaha.

I have to go get ready for church, so this is my goodbye till later! (btw I'm in a good mood since i finally got to update-if you couldn't tell) <3

Stay Strong,
Starve on,
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. -Pour l'ensemble de mes beautés, je veux dire que je suis de retour. Je vous aime tous. Je ne vais pas vous échouez à nouveau. Je veux avoir le contrôle, le corps parfait, et l'âme parfaite.

Time for change

Current Weight- 116

My body is literally like "Ok, i get it. You can stop eating now. Really, it's not that big of a deal. Come on!"

My mind is like "Must eat more. Cannot fuck up belly. Stop eating, but i can't!"

Gah it is annoying.

Anywho, i changed my profile pic :) The pic i used is from the thinspo from like 3 posts ago.

I am in love with Red Bulls. They are sooooo tasty. Ahh, i have nothing to talk about! Sorry, my life is pretty boring at this point.

I guess i'll tell you about my trip.

We went to this place where my grandma's timeshare is. It's like this giant beach condo like place. There are like 10 buildings with three floors in each. And in each building are like 30 rooms are something.

I was with my dad, his girlfriend, her daughter, me, my bro, and my sister, oh and my bro's best friend.

There was NOTHING to do there. Yes the beach was literally less than a minute from our house. And a pool on the other side of the building. But when your just there with no one to talk to, it gets boring.

So on the first night we we're there my sister wanted to star watch. I didn't want to be in our room so i said sure. The gf's daughter came with us.

So we parked our buts in a nice spot and we're talking when a hot dude walked passed us. The daughter, let's call her Z, said "i like your shirt." he then said "i ain't got a shirt on!" btw- we where in the south so everyone is southern....i have always had a slight southern accent even though I've lived in Jersey all my life.

Long story short, his hot friend came over and we all talked until 1 am. :D But then we had to get out of there cuz the southern charm turned into creppy dudes hahaha. Go figure.

But still it was the best vacation i've had so far. :)

I guess that's i have to say for now.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Good News!!

I have amazing news! Staring today, i am officially OFF my medication!!! WHOO-HOO!

Now i can't go straight back into fasting and such. :( My sad body would go into shock. But I'm think of trying the Staircase Diet, but i feel like at the end i would just regain the weight i lost.

Day 1: 1300 calories
Day 2: 1200 calories
Day 3: 1100 calories
Day 4: 1000 calories
Day 5: 900 calories
Day 6: 800 calories
Day 7: 700 calories
Day 8: 600 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: 400 calories
Day 11: 300 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 100 calories
Day 14: 0 calories
Day 15: 100 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: 300 calories
Day 18: 350 calories
Day 19: 400 calories
Day 20: 450 calories
Day 21: 500 calories
Day 22: 550 calories
Day 23: 600 calories
Day 24: 650 calories
Day 25: 700 calories
Day 26: 750 calories
Day 27: 800 calories
Day 28: 850 calories
Day 29: 900 calories
Day 30: 950 calories
Day 31: 1000 calories
Day 32: 1050 calories
Day 33: 1100 calories
Day 34: 1150 calories
Day 35: 1200 calories
Day 36: 1250 calories

What do you guys think? Maybe I'll get rid of days 33-36?
~*~

Ooh, i also have a whole exercises plan too! In the august issue of Seventeen they have a "back to school-Best body" and it gives you a whole workout routine//plan. It's perfect. Also they give you tips and food ideas. :D

More info on this later.

But for now, alas, i have to go :(

Starve on my beauties.
Love,
~Riki Ana

HELLO? Anybody here?

Ok, so may i just say Crisis averted. I ate normally this past week to avoid suspicion. But now I'm back.

I have a 3 day long weekend thanks to Memorial Day. This weekend will be my getting back in the groove of things. Today is the 29th of May. I thought I'd be around 95 lbs by now. But no. I'm at 115.5 D: it's my own fault. I take full responsibility for it too. But i'm going to stop and take on a new goal. By July 4th i WILL be 95lbs.

So far today i've had a Nutria-grain strawberry bar. That's 140 cals down the fucking drain. I'm giving myself a 500 cal limit. Includes liquids.

Ooh, new favorite thing alert. I LOVE strawberry or lemon flavored water! It tastes AMAZINtG and for 0 cals!!! :D

For lunch i think i'm going to eat some fruit, probably watermelon or something.

Then for dinner.... a salad with salsa?!?! Mmm.

I hope you guys are still reading. I hope you didn't lose my blog. :(

If your still out there,

Love you guys,

~Riki Ana