PMSing, oh joy

Apparently my period has decided to turn me into the biggest bitch of all time. Normally I'm not moody i just angrier easier, but so far this one has made me the posterchild of PMS.

Like yesterday i woke up to find i bled through my pad, through my underwear and through my very thick sweatpants on to my bed. WHAT THE FUCK? so i got up and went to the bathroom and changed i dropped something, i can't remember what, but i lifted my head and smacked at on our wooden door for towels thingy. It hurt like a bitch, then i got angry and my mom was saying something to me and i freaked on her. She then said something back and i started crying. Like what the hell?

Thank god i haven't been in school, or else everyone would think i was crazy.

~*~

I want to thank lov2laff for her sweet comment. it's nice to know people understand what I'm trying to get across.

OH AND HOLY SHIT.

I HAVE 130 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's amazing! You can't even guess how happy that makes me. :)

Well, i just heard my sister get up so i got to go my beauties.

Love,

~Riki Ana

Sorry for this short shitty post, I'll make up for it next time. :)

New day :)

I feel, i don't know, Happy. Shocker. Maybe it's the holidays or that it's the weekend but I'm fucking happy. Or it could be NikkiThin's comment "pot hits the spot eh? :)" That made me giggle.

Good times.

I feel like now at this point in my life i would try anything. Which isn't that smart i guess, but you only live once right? I have a tumblr, For the other side of me that people see everyday, and it's all about living life to the fullest and all that stuff.

Like now, i want to drink, smoke pot and have fun.

But there are friends of mine i never would tell this stuff to. I only do certain things with certain friends. Call me two-face, but it's how it is. I have a friend, never will do anything bad in her life, i am laid back, and "normal" with. She will never know about my smoking and drinking. She looks down on these things.

Then there are my friends I'm very close with, who also want to do these things, but lately it seems like i am the only one. That means, I'll have to find another person.... hmm, this is getting complicated :/

I know i have one friend Sa, who will always have fun with me. :) She hasn't tried pot yet though but we always talk about it. Next time brother updates his stash, lil' sis is going to play. :D

Oh yea, then i have another group of friend's I'm halfway me with. They also will never find out about the drinking/smoking. Except for D, i think I'll convince him one day to try it. I totally believe i could if i really tried.

Then there is the step-sister. I'm full out with her. That's when I'm drinking, and next time i see her I'm going to tell her about the weed. Except the story might get changed. i didn't do it alone in my house, i did it with friends, and friends of friends. Then one day maybe if i can convince her to smoke together. :)

I may sound stupid, and a two-face, or schizo but sometimes it's better to hide you are with certain people, and you know that too.

For all i know, i have no idea who i am or what i want. But that's the point of teenage years i guess, to make mistakes, discover yourself, and have fun.

I plan on having fun and one day maybe I'll combine all of my sides, i feel like it wouldn't work out well...... hmmm
~*~

In Ana news, today will be my first official day back. :) yay. I bought lemon green tea it's amazing!!!!!!!!!

I'll probably try to stay between 1000-1200 just a tweak to ease myself back in.

I leave you with some pics from my tumblr, and the message just to fucking LIVE, you only get to do this once so you might as well have fun and be thin while your doing it.

Live in the moment,
Enjoy yourself.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! It is currently 54 degrees out, and it's going to go up to a GORGEOUS 73 with partly cloudy skies. Winds are NNW at 5 to 10 mph.

^^^Wouldn't i make great weather-woman?^^^

Hehe anyway back in normal people world, i am down 1 lbs today. 115. OK. Not good, but better than before. As you can see, I'm bored as hell. I'm weird when I'm bored hahah.

Oh yea, brother drama has been smoothed over. He apologized and took me to taco bell where we ate in his car and watched TV shows on his i-touch. He had the WORST day ever and i guess he needed a release or something. I feel like it sucks for non-bloggers, because yesterday i was sooooo hyped up about what happened and writing it to you guys made me calm down and process the situation. Others don't have that so the stew in their upset-ness till they explode!

I'm in a good mood today as you can prolly tell. haha. Today i think i might fast, but if i can't make it the whole day i'll eat something so 0-500 cals today.

Yesterday I tried smoking a cigarette for the first time. I didn't really like the way it tasted or anything, but i like the way it felt. Forbidden. I know it's bad for my health, i don't really think I'll do it again. After all that happened yesterday i felt like just doing SOMETHING, so i stole a pack of my mom's cigarettes and took 1. No one was home, so i stood in front of the mirror blowing puffs of smoke in the bathroom. Then i heard my brothers car pull in. FUCK. So i shut the bathroom door, and threw the window open and sprayed hairspray to cover the scent. Then i started brushing my teeth, I did that twice, and rinsed with super strong mouth wash twice.

Then my brother said to get in his car to go to taco bell. (I got a 150 cal fresco taco btw) So i grabbed a perfume bottle and sprayed it. I smelled really strong of it. Then i got into his car and i could still taste the cigarette! I was so worried he could too! So i kept the window open, while he complained of how i smelt so bad of the perfume. Then after I ate the taco i felt better, since i could no longer taste it.

So yesterday was very....Eventful.

Today I'm taking a road trip with the family to Pennsylvania. So today will be easy to get by with no food. :)

Love,

~Riki Ana

xoxoxo

2nd post of the day

Hello everyone, I'm feeling much less defeated right now. i didn't do so bad today. I ate a bag of chocolate covered pretzels in self-hate 330 cals then i purged them. Then for dinner i had 210 cals of pasta. and like 250 in drinks alone. even all that including the pretzels (just in case) it's 790. So hopefully 115 or *praying to god* 114.

I think you girls are right. I have to let the past be the past, and instead focus on my future. If i stay strong now and work extra had i can be around 100 by June first. Thank you guys for you inspiring words. <3
~*~

In family news, I'm no longer talking to my brother. I'm sick of his shit. He comes in to the house and starts yelling at me for no reason. My sister left his chair in the middle of his room and he started yelling. Then he broke the chair. What the hell? Control yourself! Then he started yelling at me, so naturally i yelled back. Then he screamed at me to "not raise my voice" So i started yelling more. Then i don't remember if i started it or he did, but i do remember him holding me to the ground me crying to let go, and him yelling at me to say sorry. I said nothing. I started kicking him in the back while trying to get up and he said not to kick him and hit me lightly in the back. I still said nothing. He asked me to apologise. Again i said nothing, so he got up and stalked into his room. Then he went outside.

I brought him the phone to talk to our mother and he asked who it was. I said nothing and handed it to him. He yelled "I'm not talking to them!" and threw the phone. Remember we are outside. It crashed to the ground. Luckily it did not break.

Then a short time later i was inside. i went to go shut the front door since it was wide open. I shut it and apparently my brother was coming up the stairs. I did not see him. He threw the door open and yelled at me "DON'T SHUT THE DOOR IN MY FACE!"

Finally he left to go hang out with his friends. I understand having bad days, but he does shit like this weekly. He should fucking know better. He's 20, I'm 14. I love my brother, i do. But he has to grow up and stop acting like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum.

Though it probably sounds worse typed out, but I'm not going to forgive him. I should but I'm just so fucking sick of this. I get it, our life is hard, but just stop already.

Me and my mom are the only normal people in my family. The 14 year old ED child. And the single mother working 2 jobs.

Doesn't everyone love family life?
~*~

Sorry for springing family drama on you guys. Ugh, i need to get out of this house. I think I'm going to go for a jog.

Love,
~Riki Ana