Family Love

My mother is home on vacation this week. Which basically means its gonna be hell for anyone unlucky enough to be home. I don't know why she always feels the need to start fights with everyone. She never has a nice thing to say about anyone. Just stop being so cold hearted and full of hate. It is so poisonous.

My friend, lets call him SF, and I are getting more comfortable hooking up. I am so excited. I have been waiting 3 years for him to finally want me. This current situation is just fun and games, the real shit has not been acknowledged yet. I hope, for once, this turns out the way I want it too. But there is a voice in the back of my mind whispering 'Be careful what you wish for.'

Oh and I was reading the comments from a while back, and I noticed some hate. Okay everyone, get ready for this. If you have any problem with who I am, what I say, what I do, who I do, what I eat, how much/how little I eat, etc etc etc You can click that red X at the top of the screen and you will never have to see what I have to say EVER again! What a fantastic idea. I know, you're a special flower who deserves to be heard; and you must tell me your opinion on whatever rubbed you the wrong way. I get that, I really do. So type your heart out if you must, tell me my faults, tell me what I am doing wrong. Just a warning though, I could really care less what you think of me, random person on the internet. I digress.

I really want to quit smoking. I keep telling myself today is the day, not another puff. But then I give up the moment a craving hits. Like why am I so dependent on these stupid sticks of tobacco. Fucking nicotine.

Welp, I'm gonna go to try to be productive before work. I'm thinking about applying for a second job.

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

PMSing, oh joy

Apparently my period has decided to turn me into the biggest bitch of all time. Normally I'm not moody i just angrier easier, but so far this one has made me the posterchild of PMS.

Like yesterday i woke up to find i bled through my pad, through my underwear and through my very thick sweatpants on to my bed. WHAT THE FUCK? so i got up and went to the bathroom and changed i dropped something, i can't remember what, but i lifted my head and smacked at on our wooden door for towels thingy. It hurt like a bitch, then i got angry and my mom was saying something to me and i freaked on her. She then said something back and i started crying. Like what the hell?

Thank god i haven't been in school, or else everyone would think i was crazy.

~*~

I want to thank lov2laff for her sweet comment. it's nice to know people understand what I'm trying to get across.

OH AND HOLY SHIT.

I HAVE 130 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's amazing! You can't even guess how happy that makes me. :)

Well, i just heard my sister get up so i got to go my beauties.

Love,

~Riki Ana

Sorry for this short shitty post, I'll make up for it next time. :)

Off in wonderland...

Well, news again. I have tried weed for the second time in my life. This time something actually happened. Let's review, the first time i tried it was over the summer with my best friend, the one that was supposed to move away but didn't luckily, nothing happened afterwards. Maybe it was because i took a leaf from my bro's pot plant grinded and smoked it. hahaha. This time i found my bro's stash of a colorful glass mini-bong filled with some pot. My sister and i were supposed to have a bonding day but she ditched me for her friends.

I was pissed and i saw my brother hiding something there once so i went and looked. And lucky me i found it. Trying to find my brothers stash is kinda a hobby of mine. So i lit a really long match and lit the pot, which was mostly ash, and took a insane breath in and swallowed the breath. I didn't cough, i did that a couple more times, maybe 2 or 3, then i took one more really deep breath and i felt it go down my throat burning on it's way down. I knew it was inhaled that time. SO i went upstairs and put on pink floyd for effect haha, then i got that feeling when your starting to get tipsy when drinking. That effect lasted for about 25 minutes. I don't know if it was from the weed, or the major adreline rush i was experincing. But i do know one thing, that bong and i are going to get aquated quite a bit more often. Sorry bro, little sis wants to have some fun too.

Oh his birthday was yesterday too. I was going to write him a poem but it ended up being mean, but here it is for you.

Happy birthday bro!
21 yrs old, wow what a milestone.
Well, not really, mainly now you can do what you did,
but without getting aressted.
How's being an adult big bro?
I guess i wouldn't know,
You always telling me to be more mature,
More like you.
But oh, big bro
Wouldn't you like to know,
That i'm already in your foot steps!
The stuff you did senior year i'm doing now!
Does that make you happy?
Oh big bro, Wouldn't you wish to know?
Aren't you proud?
I'm like you!
Only i'm doing it better,
Or rather,
I'm doing it younger.
Happy Birthday
Love, you lil' sis!

This is my second try the first one got scribbled out because i wrote it during class.

Oh, and i need to start again :( i've once again strayed from the path. Damn. It just so fucking hard. I never remeber it being like this! What the hell has changed?

Well, that's all i have for now. I'll update again tomorrow hopefully. :)

Love,
~Riki Ana

Time for a new me?

Someone in the comments asked if they wanted to get on track together, my answer is HELL YES!

Tomorrow i have decided to do my first fast back in the swing of things. :)
It's going to suck, it's going to be hard.
But it's going to be worth it.

So anyone who wants to

FAST TOMORROW.
Starts tonight at Midnight
and for the heck of it
30hrs.

It ends Wednesday at 6:00 AM.

Stay Strong
~*~
I wanted to address a comment written by BattleinMind:
Anorexia Is Not Disese. Anorexia is Not A Game. It Is a Skill Perfected Only By Few. The Pure, The Choosen, And The Flawless."This quote is sickening and so so offensive.

I'm not going to bash you. I'm not going to disagree with you. I'm not going to fight.

I'm going to explain.
I apologize if you find this quote offensive. Personally i don't. You could tell this to the person I got it from. Would you happen to know Ana Regzig? From dyingtobethin// http://www.anaregzig.blogspot.com/

The tab of the page you read it in, says quotes, does it not? Did i say politically correct quotes, or perhaps nice pro-ana quotes? No i did not. I said quotes. They are quotes I've happened to stumble upon in my blogging. If it really bothers you that much, just ask and I'd remove it.

It's not that big of a deal. And i know ur going to say something in the comments about it being a big deal.

It's just a quote. Ask and I'll take it down.

That goes for anything on my blog. Just ask and if i deem it to be even slightly offensive I'll take it down.

Just wanted to get that out of the way.
~*~

Oh and if i make it past my fast tomorrow, which i pray to god i do, i will try to continue the fast until Friday so i could try my first salt water flush.

I'll put all the information on that tomorrow.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. I'm getting a camera for christmas so i could finally show u me and my upcoming process.

Be a voice, not an echo.

What's up my loves!?!

So yesterday I went out to dinner with my best friend and her older sister, BEST TIME EVER. I did end up eating a lot of food, but I'm not going to bash my head in over it. We were messing with these two waiters all night, it was funny. The restaurant we went to gives you crayons to draw on the paper which covers the table and we wrote "WE LOVE DAVID AND JON!

Then we showed it to them. They were creeped out a little i think. hahahaha. Then we wrote them letters and put the tip in them to made sure they will read it. hahaha.

Good times.

Today my family is going to get our Christmas tree! We always eat at this one dinner every year, so i think that will be my only meal today. :)

By the way, isn't that article crazy from last post? Just another reason thinner is always the winner. ;)

So i must be off, sorry for the lame short post. More tomorrow, now that my computer is fixed :D

I'm so fucking happy to be back.

Stay Strong

Think Thin

Love,

~Riki Ana

Just an interesting ariticle I thought you'd all enjoy

News
Large Study: Just a Little Bit of Extra Weight May Shorten Life
By AP Dec 2nd 2010 2:39PM
Categories: News, Bmi Waist to Hip Ratio, Food Evaluator, Personalized Calorie Count

Lugging around a few extra pounds? One of the largest studies to look at health and weight finds that you don't have to be obese to raise your risk of premature death. Merely being overweight carries some risk, too.Obesity increases the risk of death from heart disease, stroke and certain cancers.
But whether being merely overweight contributes to an early death as well has been uncertain and controversial. Some research has suggested being a little pudgy has little effect or can even be a good thing.The latest research involving about 1.5 million people concluded that healthy white adults who were overweight were 13 percent more likely to die during the time they were followed in the study than those whose weight is in an ideal range."Having a little extra meat on your bones -- if that meat happens to be fat -- is harmful, not beneficial," said Dr. Michael Thun of the American Cancer Society, senior author of the study.

The study's conclusions, published in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine, are similar to three other large studies, said the lead author, Amy Berrington of the National Cancer Institute."Now there's really a very large body of evidence which supports the finding that being overweight is associated with a small increased risk of death," Berrington said.For their government-funded analysis, the researchers pooled 19 long-term studies of mostly white adults.

They used each person's body mass index -- a measure of height and weight -- and checked to see who died during the follow-up periods, which ranged from five to 28 years.They focused on people who were healthy at the beginning of the studies, excluding smokers and those with heart disease or cancer because those affect death rates and researchers wanted to see the impact of weight alone.

The lowest death rate for healthy women who had never smoked was in the high end of the ideal body mass index range -- between 22.5 and 24.9. Compared with that group, those who were overweight had an increased risk of death of 13 percent. The increased risk ranged from 44 to 88 percent for those who were obese. The morbidly obese were 2 1/2 times more likely to die prematurely. The results for men were similar.

Most of the participants in the studies were white so the research focused on them. Results may be different in other ethnic and racial groups, Berrington said. She said evidence suggests that for the same BMI level, African-Americans might have a lower risk of death and Asians a higher risk.Two-thirds of U.S. adults are either overweight or obese. Overweight begins at a BMI measurement of 25, obese at 30 and morbidly obese at 40. A 5-foot-6 person is considered overweight at 155 pounds, obese at 186 pounds and morbidly obese at 248 pounds.

Because of its size and the diversity of studies included, the research "provides strong evidence against the position that it's a good thing for health to be overweight," Thun said.The notion that a "bit of reserves" would help keep you from getting sick probably stems from the days when food was scarce, he said.

The latest research was launched after a controversial 2005 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that concluded being overweight didn't raise the risk of death; that report included smokers and those with pre-existing illnesses.University of South Carolina obesity researcher Steven Blair said the results were consistent with other studies and the "massive effort" was commendable.

But he said there wasn't enough information available about fitness level or physical activity. A proponent of the "fit and fat" theory, Blair said his research has shown that obese people who are tested and deemed fit did not face increased risks of dying."If we want to get to the bottom of the health hazards of overweight and obesity, we have to have better data on physical activity," Blair said. "Until we do that, there's uncertainty of how important BMI is as an important predictor of mortality."

Copyright 2010 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.

As i was walking through a life one morning...

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it.

Thanks Ted Leo and Pharmacists, if only it's that easy.

I guess it is. But you have to have the right mind set. I remember the time of beginning of freshman year, i fasted for 3 days, you could say it was easy as pie, but now instead of fighting that pie I'm eating it.

Little side note here, what is so easy about pie? My friend baked one and it look hard to do. Stupid lying food quotes.

I've been so tired lately. I wake up in the morning tired go to school tired, then i shake up things around 4 period and get hungry then after a easy period of standing around in gym after eating lunch of course, i go to chemistry.... you guessed it tired.

What the fuck. I was never this tired even when my days were 500 calories.

I think about Ana a lot. I wonder if i could do my fasts again, drop some pounds, enjoy some beautiful bones.

Maybe, she'd take me back. Even though I'm currently tainted with fatty foods and disgusting amounts of soda, and not the zero calorie kind.

But we can work through that... I hope.

Maybe tomorrow I'll cleanse my system with a fast? I wonder if i could do that? I think i can.

Starting tonight at midnight, i will not eat a morsel of food. This will end tomorrow night at midnight. But i probably will not consume food until breakfast the next morning.

Quoting good ol' teddy
Fighting for the smallest goal-to gain a little self control.

It's time for my fight to begin once more.

Love,
~Riki Ana

You see me now....

And now you don't.....

That is one of my favorite phrases, don't ask my why. I just love it. I relate it to Ana now, like how today we are fat enough for everyone to see, but tomorrow we hope we lose more and disappear...

Well, not totally, but you get what i mean.

I'm not sick anymore!!!! But since i barely ate because i was so sick my body is now used to it so i'm running on a little more that nothing. Yesterday i ate around.... 420 cals.... not to bad if i say so myself. You guys know my track record, THIS IS GREAT!

Finally i can restrict. You all know how i suck at restricting. But this stomach flu, kick started me into it, and now i'm happy!

Today i'm at 109.5 Damn that .5

Tonight my family is going out to dinner, looks like i'm going to fast all day and (hopefully) barely eat then.... Let's hope 'my tummy still kinda hurts if i eat too much' excuse.... hmm

Ok, i got a question about the apple diet.

What it is, you take an apple then you cut it up from anywhere from 8-10 pieces depending on how many you want. (I prefer 10...)

Then you eat 2 slices for breakfast.

Then 2 for lunch.

Then 2 for a snack,

Then 4 for dinner. (If you cut 8 it's 2)

I like cutting it up tinnier because I need more at night, the more slices (even though it's actually smaller) will trick my brain into thinking i've eaten more.

You can replace the apple with any fruit of your choice. Make sure it's a fruit.

I prefer apples, oranges, and clementines.

if you start off i would use a bigger apple and work your way down to the tiny ones.

This takes self-control. If you find this too hard eat 1 whole apple in the morning an 1 whole apple at night. You want to avoid binging.

So i hope i explained it good.

It's interesting to hear about your thoughts on the whole throwing up/control thing. Just not having control over it... ugh

Anyway, so i have to go clean :(

So one more thing.

To make me happy,

DO 50 SIT-UPS

OR

100 Jumping Jacks

RIGHT NOW :)

Love,

~Riki Ana

Time spent wasting is not wasted time.

How weird is it that I'm not even hungry. AT ALL!!! On Saturday night i got the stomach flu and was throwing up all night. It was horrible. The next morning i lost 2 lbs bringing me down to 112. Then yesterday i was fasting because my stomach hurt, i only had a bowl of crackers the entire day. Today is going to be pretty much the same.

This morning i was complaining how it sucked to throw up all night, and my mom was like "i don't know how those bulimics do it, throwing up after every meal, i hate throwing up." For the couple times I've purged after eating it's like different that being forced to throw up. Like, making yourself do it is almost graceful compared to having no control over throwing up....
But i don't really have much insight about that since I'm more Ana....

So i think i had somewhere around 250 cals...not bad. But at weigh in this morning i was at 113...hopefully it's water weight, it would make no sense since i barely ate anything yesterday.

After looking at the comments for the jumping jack things i also hope it's 1 cal per jumping jack....I'll have to look into it more.....

Anyway,

Tomorrow I'll might do the apple diet with a Clementine. It's 10 slices per Clementine so i could have 2 slices for breakfast, 2 slices for lunch, 2 slices for a snack, and and 4 slices for dinner... sounds pretty good, and around 60 cal. If i can do that till Christmas I'll probably be around 105.

So that's all for now.
Starve on my skinny bitches
~Riki Ana