Well, Duh.

Today was uneventful except that i bought a 4 pack of fruit cups-70 cals per cup, and some white cheddar rice cakes-45 cals a piece.

In the morning I drank a bottle of water then a diet Snapple, another bottle of water, ate a salad at school, then i came home and went to work. My mom decided to surprise me with Wendy's. Oh god, I couldn't resist-chicken nugget and fry kids meal, bc she knows i don't eat a whole order haaha. I ate it but with Ana's voice screaming in my head i snapped a rubber band on my wrist every bite. If I ate, I deserved to be punished.
~*~

In other news, My brother has decided to be an arrogant asshole by continually asking me about our step sister's attempted suicide. Let's get this straight first- he hates her, everything about her, has barely had a full conversation with her. Yet he expects me to violate her trust and tell him everything. Since he wants to become a doctor i understand his interest, but honestly its none of his business. He's not worried about her, he's just curious. I find that fucked up.

He will never be able to understand the want of death.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

he will never understand what it's like to hide in your closet and swallow handfuls of Advil while crying. He will never understand what it was like to go to sleep thinking "here we go, finally i can be happy." He will never understand what it felt like to wake up.
~*~

Well girls and boys, tis bed time.

Starve on, Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle- Plato.

Hello world.

Today just started out as a shitty day and ended like one.

First I trip going up the stairs and slam my fingers into the concrete trying to save my face- hurt like a bitch. Then i walk into my classroom and my water bottle falls off my desk, flips over causing the top to act as a missile directly on to my foot, while wearing flip flops-hurt like a bitch. Got called in to work on my day off- fucking sucked. Had my boss ask me if i was pregnant because i was bloated- fucking sucked.

I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

that fucking hurt the most out of today, the physical pain went away quickly while that question will fucking haunt me.

I'm not that fat....am i? I mean, yeah i haven't been sticking to my diet but I'm no where near pregnant status. oh god, this is gonna mind fuck me forever.
~*~

Dear Riki,

I told you before Riki, Ana never lies, without me you are nothing and will turn into a fat slob. 118 lbs? God what is wrong with you! Okay, i will admit it's a nighttime weight, but that is completely unacceptable.

Is it that hard to keep food out of your fucking mouth? I know this seems harsh, but you need this kick in the ass. I'm done playing around watching you turn the body I once worked so hard on into a piece of shit.

Why don't you look at these beautiful girls who can do what you have failed at...
















You need to realize Riki that you can look like them. All you have to do is listen to me.

Love,
Ana
p.s. I'll be watching you, don't disappoint me.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my little thinspo treat for you guys!

Stay Strong, and Think Thin.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Reconnecting

Before the Ana news,

Going through hearing my stepsister attempt suicide has got me thinking. It's always been the thing stopping me- feeling the way i did when i thought i lost her was heart breaking, and i can't put anyone through that...
~*~

Anyway, today was a pretty normal eating day but i went to go buy bud and ended up taking a nature hike but stupidly i was in flip flops. Even though that was annoying i still had a great time, it was awesome being able to go off a main road into this endless seeming forest un-touched by man. So freeing and amazing.

And I defiantly burned cals going up those trails.

I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Stay Strong and Starve On,
Love,
~Riki Ana

Once you feel weak and dizzy your almost there.

SO much shit has happened its crazy. My beautiful blog has been forgotten, i must change that. but first let me tell you all about whats been happening in the shit storm called my life.
~*~
First, I've been a veryyyyy verry bad girl lately. Santa will be giving me a ginormous lump of coal for Christmas. I did some very bad, illegal things that of which i will not go into detail, bc i didn't get caught. so hell yeah on that part, but sad face bc my entire family found out what i did. Which caused me to attempt suicide. I sat in my closet and swallowed two handfuls of Advil. Then i went to bed. You think that would have done the job but i woke up, so i guess that's good. My depression has hit a new high lately. i barely want to pull myself out of bed and when i do it's for school and to get high, weed and spice are my life. i love spice, i trip balls but i know it's stupid for me to do. Imma try to do better......

Next, I'm forced to see a psychologist. Why, might you ask? Well, i decided to call out of work (i got fired bc of it) and go clubbing at a teen club, most annoying part? it wasn't open that night gayyy. i already knew i was in a lot of trouble so i told my parents, no I'm not coming home tonight. See you in the morning and hung up. Let's just say it didn't fly well. I was reported missing to the cops and they recommended i see this doctor. Which is why I'm there.

I hate him, hes an old fat man trying to understand a 16 year old girl rebelling against everyone. I find the fact the can't prescribe me drugs very annoying to me. Obviously I'm fucked in the head. I mean anyone who talks to me for more than an hour realizes it.

Now, don't you all go thinking I've become this crazy lunatic, bc i haven't I'm the same old Riki....somewhere.

My Ana habits were forgotten in this new found life. But now since I've gotten away with it all, I'm retiring my bad habits....well except getting high. But every other illegal thing I've done is in the past.

I'm sitting here eating my Halloween candy looking at blogs and thinspo wondering where my perfect body, my perfect grades...ish, and my perfect life went. Everything was fine back when Ana was my best friend, but i dumped her for drugs and mistakes.

It's time again for me to return. I'm hopeing it will actually stick this time. And i know readers, why trust me? Every blog post, about one a month is repeating the same old lines, but i don't know. This time feels different.

Maybe it's because i can hurt myself, and others. Maybe because I'm sick of being trapped by this body that isn't perfect.

But I'm back. And this time I'm fucking ready. :)
~*~

Tomorrow will be very little food. I won't count too harshly so my return will be a descent instead of a yo-yo drop.

My Halloween candy is calling my name.
Do i have enough strength to turn down its siren song?
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Pictures!

Well, here are some pics of me and my current body.


Stomach not bad, but thighs deff need some work. And those are the jeans i want to fit into. I can't button them :(

And please try not to notice how horrifically dirty my room is ahah :)
~*~

Today i am fasting, which is prolly stupid because i stayed home sick. Well, let's hope i get better even though my body will be wasting away. ;)

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Special K

Tomorrow ill do my special K diet which will be me eating a cup of special K through the course of the day. :D

I hung out with my guy friend Ian, and we smoked an L and i went and babysat, I'm a great person i know. It was a lot of fun. Ian even kissed me. Yay.

My weight 115.

Unacceptable for school. Goal weight- 105.

Love,
~Riki Ana

TIme for a change.

Well, i barely got in trouble for the alcohol thing. Fuck yes.

This morning i ate a pizza for one, puked it up, and that's my meal for the day.

I plan on going to target later with my firend and getting a shit ton of makeup and stuff for back to school. :)

Wow, this post sucks.

Love,
~Riki Ana <3

Depression Hits

It's crazy how much of a fuckup i am. My friends mom found out i sold her daughter booze and now told my mom. I'm going to be in so much trouble. My phones being disconnected and im going to get screamed at. But i swear to god if my mom lays one hand on me i'll beat the shit out of her. I'm not kidding either.

Im so sad right now. Im such a fuckup its crazy.

~
~
~ and the suicidal thoughts begin to hit.

Oh god. I'm even more fucked up than i thought.
I just wanna get hurt. Not enough to die, but enough to make everyone feel bad for me.

The body begins to die after three days without liquid.
^Just a thought.

I'm slowly realizing, im fucked up in the head. I literally thought about jumping in front of cars just so i won't get into trouble.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Also everything is trippy as shit, and i don't know why.

I think i'm fucked up in the head. I called the suicide hot line, again idk, but first they had me on hold for 15 minutes. then i hung up. Then i called back and my phone refused to dial it.

Hmm, perhaps a sign?

Well, tonight if i don't get completely fucked in trouble.... i don't even know.

I just want to run away, or die. I don't even know anymore. I'm just so unhappy. I don't even know why.

This house makes me depressed. That's why I'm never home... also bc my family hates me.

I just want to slip out of conscience for a while is that so much to ask for?

And this is why i like drugs. Too bad they cost money.
I tried coke the other night.

To anyone looking to try it, don't. everyone says coke is this awesome drug. ITS NOT. it sucks. i didnt feel anything except for awake. Wow, the same thing as drinking a red bull. awesome.

All i want is some weed, so i can zone out and fall asleep

is that too much to ask for?

I hate myself.

Love,
~Riki Ana.

p.s. If someone told me this i would give them so much advice and shit. But i feel i dont derseve it.

how fucked up is that?

All my work ruined in a meal.

So today i felt really skinny when i woke up, and decided to weigh myself.
113.5
I LOST 6.5 LBS YAYYY!

so i didn't eat all day in anticipation of a welcome back family dinner i had to go to tonight.
holy shit i ate a lot.

Tomorrow nothing shall pass through these lips.

I probably gained back at least 3 or 4 lbs.
FUCK.

I will be 100 or less by the start of school.
The sad truth?

i don't care how bad it will be losing these 13.5 lbs

I cannot wait to walk into the hallways wearing my new *crossing my fingers* size 1 jeans. (right now I'm a 3) I'll wear a breezy top that flutters and shows my defined hipbones and concave stomach.

I want people to whisper about how skinny I've gotten behind my back.

I will make it happen.

I will make other girls jealous. Fuck everyone who doubts me. It will be nothing be coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Because that's what pretty girls are made of.

~*~

My bi friend from last post wants to kill herself now. I talked to her on the phone for 2 hours listening to her cry.
Her mom told her she would rather her be dead than gay.

If she kills herself, I'll punch her mom in the face. I swear to god.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. Stay Strong beauties. I;m always up for new texting buddies! xoxoxo

Fuck you life.

So this fat bitch is telling people im a baby ho. Oh really? I wanna fucking slash her tires. She's saying imma hoe when she has the clap? wtf.... well i cant say much on the std part but im not a whore like she is. one time she gave me a ride home and this phrase came out of her mouth...
"Well he's not attractive but dick is dick so whatever."

WHAT THE FUCK?

ughghfgifsdfiaofgrjhiogtferio;vfgoweraghioerahg
im so pissed.
~*~

but in other news
I've stayed below 1500 for a week
and now im staying below 1200

i wanna do a fast soon.

I miss the feeling of hollowness, the empty growl.

Mmmm, i want it back.
I'll get it too.
I fucking will.

Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. i have so much more to say but i'm beat tonight. Tomorrow ill re-open up my life to all you beautiful boys and girls.



****HOLY SHIT I FORGOT!****
I have a phone now, so leave me a comment and ill give you my number so we can be Ana texting buddies, that will seriously keep me on track

Old habits return

Well, i still haven't got my maybe-std checked out. But tonight i had a scary experience.
So i was sneaking out to go hang out with a couple friends and go burn at the park down the street. So i hop out my basement window and i get down the street when my sister calls me. HOLY SHIT. i had a cigarette in my hand and i broke it while making a fist i chucked it and ran down the street and flew through the window and went upstairs. AND NO ONE WAS UP. she must have pocket dialed me or something. But my heart is still racing and i got home like an hour and a half ago.

Scariest moment ever.

This is also showing me that im still being the same old up to no good Riki. I thought i would be a good girl again like when i was younger but being bad is more fun ;)

On to Ana news finally.
My bad girl ways aren't the only thing returning. A couple of my old Ana habits are returning like feeling the bones in my wrist and drinking a full bottle of water when i wake up. And of course seeing food and instead of thinking MUST EAT NOW. its "holy shit how many calories is that?!?!" but then of course i eat it anyway.

But i think i am mentally prepared for a comeback. The other times were "ehh lets see if it sticks" now its "you better fucking do it fat ass."

Hi Ana, it's nice to see you again. :)

Love,
~Riki Ana

Fuck it

I'm taking Spose's Advice and just saying FUCK IT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX4KNO4vQoo

I have horrific news, you can skip down to the next part if you want, its nothing Ana related but its a crazy event in my life.

Karma is a bitch. She is one giant raging hormonal bitch, that is always on her period....and she hates me.

For the past two weeks i've been on vacation.

how can i put this lightly....

I was a huge slutty Mcslutson.

And right now im paying the price.
I might have an Std....in my throat.
FUCK MY LIFE.
I decided it was less slutty to give head, cuz i didnt wanna fuck.
Total head count 3 guys.

But hang on, it might not be an std, i went to planned parent hood today. the doctor looked in my mouth went "oh my god. oh my god.....hmmm well i have no idea what that is.....but it doesnt look good."

I said "Well thats reassuring."

So i have to go to a real doctor. My mom cant know so i have to fake being sick. Then my doctor gets to see my disgusting mouth.

My tonsils are red and inflamed with a large white spot on the left one and the back of my throat is blood red with a mix of creamy milk white.

MMM, isnt that sexy. Maybe ill post a pic of it....that will keep you girls from eating.

I deserve it though. It slapped me back into reality showing me im not invincible, and i cant get away with everything.

I just want it gone. And im hoping the first guy didnt give it to me bc that means i gave it to 2 other guys, im actually hoping the last one gave it to me, or else that means i gave it to someone else which i feel bad about.

But surpirisingly im taking the whole i might have a std thing well, yes when i looked in my mouth i called my stepsister and cried, but hey i got checked for hiv and lucky me i dont have that. But the gonerraha and syphilius tests take 1 month. I have to wait a whole month for my fate to be decided?

Thats why i have to go to my normal doctor, he can swab it and tell me sooner, im just hoping that its curable and that the medication is cheap so my mom doesnt question it.

Thank god for paitent doctor confidentality. The planned parenthood lady told me to say "you must keep this between us legally, so you can tell my mom i have strep and give me the pills for the std. If you tell i can legally sue you. Please treat me with discreation."

Thank you america for that law.

I'm praying no one finds out and that i can be cured.

Oh and the reason im able to be calm about this is bc i feel i deserve it in a way, and the amount of cigarettes i've smoked today has calmed me down, but everytime i wanna look in my mouth i wanna cry.

But you know what once i get my meds, i can just say fuck it and continue living my life.

Burned out

So its summer!! i have my last final tomorrow then i get out at 10 and im hanging out with my dad all day :)

For my birthday, i'm giving myself a quarter. For those who dont smoke, its $120 and its a large quantity of weed. Im excited :)

My friend who i smoke with quite often always talks about how shes a "stoner" truthfully even i dont classify myself as that bc I may smoke a lot but no where enar the amount of some of the kids i hang out with. One of my friends smokes half a quater a day. I smoke what a dub every couple of days? not bad

Though i have gotten high 6 out of 7 days this past week :)

She didnt know how to use a bong or a bowl. wtf????????
~*~

I repierced my belly button. I love it now. I wonder why i didnt like it before?

I was 112 lbs on monday. it was nice, but ive gotten munchies EVERY FUCKING TIME i smoked. wtf

i think i've eaten 12 bags of skittles in the past week, and a disgusting amount of twix bars.

ITS GOT TO STOP.
~*~

I see i have 151 followers now. HOLY SHIT!

i love you guys so much!

I want someone to talk to, so comment!!!

Love,
~Riki Ana

Sometimes all you need is that little shove...

Hola my beauties :)

Friday i did end up going to the beach, i ate a hot dog and fries from Nathans, i had a slice of pizza from a pizza place, then for dinner we went out to Chili's and shared appetizers- Nachos, Artichoke and spinach dip, and this spicy cheese dip. Mmm.

Friday Night, i slept for 2 hours.

Saturday, I woke up extremely depressed. I don't know why. I felt like a fuck up and failure in all aspects of my life. I ate a cookie from Dunkin Donuts to make me feel better, than i had a little bit of popcorn, and personal pizza, then for dinner i had a piece of grilled chicken.


*EDIT* My blogger fucked me over and didn't publish my whole post. It only published up to here. It was a good fucking post too. Goddamn it. Here's my crappy re-write :(

I slept all of Saturday, and all night. I woke up about half an hour ago. It is Sunday 940 AM

On Saturday whenever i woke up i was having trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality. My dreams were so realistic, my mind couldn't tell the difference.

This morning i woke up feeling physically- euphoric kinda like a high, but not quite there. I had an urge to weigh myself.

116.

I lost 4 lbs. :)

I know it's not a lot, but it's the shove i need to really start my weight loss.
~*~

At the beach there was an obviously anorexic girl. Her arms were so thin there was no meat, just skin wrapping bone. The only part of her that was "thick" and i use the term thick VERY loosely, was her calves. they were very muscular.
Truthfully it was kinda gross looking. I don't like the whole "so thin i could drop dead at any moment" look. I like the slightly underweight, model looking kinda anorexic.

But that's just my personal preference.
~*~

So i did stop smoking for a day. That day was easy as fuck. I realized something, I'm not addicted to cigarettes yet. But here's the thing i enjoy smoking. I like the feel of it curling in my lungs, the look of it coming from my parted lips.

My friend who smokes said this, once you stop enjoying smoking that's when your addicted. I do something i enjoy, once i stop enjoying smoking ill stop.

Im so annoyed blogger didnt publish my whole post. It was so fucking well worded, and i cant remember the way i put shit and all of the topics i touched on.

FUCK YOU BLOGGER.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Done with my bullshit

OK so i got in trouble with my mom again. She found out I've been cutting classes again, luckily she didn't find out that i cut school. I'm not going to to the beach Friday. I'm allowed to just I'm making the change to be a better person.

I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I'm done with it. I'm scared, but I've been researching online. To help with quiting I'm going to do a three day juice fast, that's what they recommend.

My mom is disappointed in me truthfully, i don't even know who I am anymore. I miss being close with my mom, i was the one she could always depend on. Now I'm the fuck up of the family.

I need this.
I need to be a better person.
And this is the first step.
I will be thinner, nicer, and stronger.
Anyone who says I can't do it can go fuck themselves.

This is the perfect time because summer is approaching. This is going to be a summer of new me.

MY GOALS
1. Quit Smoking
2. Lose 10 lbs and become 110
3. Gain my mom's trust again
4. No more cutting classes
5. Do better in school
6. No more fucking up my life
7. Stay away from bad influences
8. Be happy with the person I am.
9. Eat healthier
10. Take responsibility for my actions.

Love,
~Riki Ana
I'll update more in a little bit.
Its only been about an hour since my last cigarette and I'm already craving another.
Wish me luck.

Done with it.

Hello my beauties.

Today i stayed home from school becuase i didnt feel well when i woke up. I felt better about an hour later then i had the house to myself. I went on a blunt hunt, which is where i search around my house for weed that my brother has dropped, hidden, etc. I found two roaches. i Put them in his bong and lit up. Mmmm I love that bong, so fucking much. Perfect Day.

Except for the fact i ate. But no more food today.

I didn't get the chance to smoke a cigarette till 550. I wanted one so bad. Ill think ill have another after i finish bloggging this.

Yesterday i cut school with a couple friends and went to our friends house, smoked a bowl. Had a good day.

Tomorrow i go to school, no more cutting for me. Im putting that shit behind me. But friday my dad is taking me out of school to go to the beach. Fuck Yeah. He told me not to tell my mom- its legal cutting. My mom will drop me off and ill walk home, my dad will call me out sick and BAM beach time.

Ill buy a dime from a girl at school tomorrow and smoke before my dad picks me up- perfect timing bc then we wont have to talk while im high bc we are riding the motorcycle down.

Im scared to be in a bikini, i havent worked out at all ugh.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Can everyone say stoner?

How are my beauties today?
It's 11 am and im high as a fucking kite. :)
Last night i stayed up all night robotripping.
For those who don't know what that is, it is when you drink cough syrup to get high.
Like Robitussian+Tripping=Robotripping
I drank it at 1030pm reached my peak at 230 then came down around 10a, ish
and now i smoked a bowl, and now im high again.
Maybe i shouldnt be doing this, but i say Why Not?
It makes me feel better than alright.

And in Ana news, this is the kinda high that im not going to get munchies with.

Fuck yes.

Love,
~Riki Ana

about to pop

im so full right now, ohmygod. I think my stomcah is about to explode. Thank you munchies.
Its the price i pay sometimes for smoking. Normally i don't get hungry but every once and a while BAM i become a bottonless pit.

Completely worth it.

Im coming down off my high, it was an amazing high. <3

Im so tired i think i going to take a nap.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Said by my guy friend
"There's three ways to get through live, eat twat, smoke pot, and smile alot."
hahahahah

End of day, post 2

Hush little baby don't you stir
Don't listen to the voices that you hear
They are just the monsters under your bed
in your closet and in your head

My sister decided i was too messy to share a room with a threw all of my clothes into the hallway, thanks sis. Im not cleaning the up. i put them into a garbage bag, i dont give a shit ill go the the bag everyday and wear them until they get dirty and someone will wash them and fold them up.

I'm one stubborn bitch.

~*~
Thinspo treat
I will be beautiful.

Im going to make a new ED bracelet, its going to be red beads with a dragonfly charm. ill upload a pic once i make it.
Thats my stomach all signed from bamboozle. :)
Thin, but not thin enough.

Love,
~Riki Ana