Hello world.

Today just started out as a shitty day and ended like one.

First I trip going up the stairs and slam my fingers into the concrete trying to save my face- hurt like a bitch. Then i walk into my classroom and my water bottle falls off my desk, flips over causing the top to act as a missile directly on to my foot, while wearing flip flops-hurt like a bitch. Got called in to work on my day off- fucking sucked. Had my boss ask me if i was pregnant because i was bloated- fucking sucked.

I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

that fucking hurt the most out of today, the physical pain went away quickly while that question will fucking haunt me.

I'm not that fat....am i? I mean, yeah i haven't been sticking to my diet but I'm no where near pregnant status. oh god, this is gonna mind fuck me forever.
~*~

Dear Riki,

I told you before Riki, Ana never lies, without me you are nothing and will turn into a fat slob. 118 lbs? God what is wrong with you! Okay, i will admit it's a nighttime weight, but that is completely unacceptable.

Is it that hard to keep food out of your fucking mouth? I know this seems harsh, but you need this kick in the ass. I'm done playing around watching you turn the body I once worked so hard on into a piece of shit.

Why don't you look at these beautiful girls who can do what you have failed at...
















You need to realize Riki that you can look like them. All you have to do is listen to me.

Love,
Ana
p.s. I'll be watching you, don't disappoint me.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my little thinspo treat for you guys!

Stay Strong, and Think Thin.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Reconnecting

Before the Ana news,

Going through hearing my stepsister attempt suicide has got me thinking. It's always been the thing stopping me- feeling the way i did when i thought i lost her was heart breaking, and i can't put anyone through that...
~*~

Anyway, today was a pretty normal eating day but i went to go buy bud and ended up taking a nature hike but stupidly i was in flip flops. Even though that was annoying i still had a great time, it was awesome being able to go off a main road into this endless seeming forest un-touched by man. So freeing and amazing.

And I defiantly burned cals going up those trails.

I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Stay Strong and Starve On,
Love,
~Riki Ana

Done with my bullshit

OK so i got in trouble with my mom again. She found out I've been cutting classes again, luckily she didn't find out that i cut school. I'm not going to to the beach Friday. I'm allowed to just I'm making the change to be a better person.

I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. I'm done with it. I'm scared, but I've been researching online. To help with quiting I'm going to do a three day juice fast, that's what they recommend.

My mom is disappointed in me truthfully, i don't even know who I am anymore. I miss being close with my mom, i was the one she could always depend on. Now I'm the fuck up of the family.

I need this.
I need to be a better person.
And this is the first step.
I will be thinner, nicer, and stronger.
Anyone who says I can't do it can go fuck themselves.

This is the perfect time because summer is approaching. This is going to be a summer of new me.

MY GOALS
1. Quit Smoking
2. Lose 10 lbs and become 110
3. Gain my mom's trust again
4. No more cutting classes
5. Do better in school
6. No more fucking up my life
7. Stay away from bad influences
8. Be happy with the person I am.
9. Eat healthier
10. Take responsibility for my actions.

Love,
~Riki Ana
I'll update more in a little bit.
Its only been about an hour since my last cigarette and I'm already craving another.
Wish me luck.

She's back!

OMG Kat's back. Yes, the same Kat from the blog we all loved. Quest for perfection. www.katproanaquest.blogspot.com She needs us to get her name back out there again. Be warned, her first post is what happened in the time she was gone. You'll see.

~*~

When i checked my email and saw that ^^^ i literally almost cried. Then after i read the first post i did cry. No a lot though. But wow. i don't really understand why, maybe it's like seeing a relative after a really long time. It was tears of joy.

In other news. I love you guys, i got up at 5:30 AM to post. so this post may sound tired.

I do NOT want to talk about the last two days. But in my promise to ALWAYS tell what happened i will.

Monday: binged. Badly.
Tuesday: *promised i'd do better* -LIE.
Wednesday: hate myself to the point of yelling at the mirror.

Today I'm going to be HARD restricting. It's only 2 more days of April. FUCK Then 1 month until summer. Double FUCK.

So these next two days aren't going to be fun. Then the 31 days of May are going to be hell. But you know what, i'm at the point where i want to lock myself in a room without food for the next 33 days. I'm toying around with the idea in my mind. If only a 33 day fast was possible. For me. *le sigh*

www.evacanfly.blogspot.com great fasting info. Go to the very beginning of her blog. She did a 30 day juice fast right ater a 2 or 3 day water fast.

So i think after these 2 days of hard restricting i'll try to fast for as long as possible. Then i'll hard restrict, then fast. get the pattern?

I pray i can do it.
~*~

Last night i was scared. I don't want to go to the beach. Especially in a bikini. But i really want to. I just need the body for it first. I wish i didn't procrastinate so much during the year.


well, that's all i have for now.
It's now 6:00 am.
And i love you!!!
Love,
~Riki Ana

New year, new me

Ok huns, so i plan to restrict/fast in till new year, Then i might to the ABC diet.
Have any of you done it?
It would be my first time, i hear you lose crazy weight with it.
~

Anyway, i want to apologize to Kate.

i know that you are trying to show us what happened. I just read your latest post, and i want to let you know i will be reading. I should know what lies on the other side. And it's odd, i have most of the feelings you do... I look into that more. <3
~

Yesterday i was at a friends house, he got a treadmill for Christmas (fitness freak) so then i was running.
Oh LORD!
I never liked running but on a treadmill, AMAZING. Being inside of a nice temp. house no cold air burning your throat. LOVE IT!

I'm saving up to buy one. :)
~

It's weird, i have... i don't know what to call them. Possibly friends? On here who know more about my life then my best friend. You all know my secret, my internal fight, every fast, every tear, every fail. They know the happy Riki, the one they look up too.(Weird right?) They tell me that i have so much self-confidence, (yea right...) hmm......

~

Have you ever been in that path where you are doing good, then you get that first craving and you just tell yourself, Go ahead eat it. You're going to end up failing anyway.
That where i am.
~

Sorry for this jumbled mess. Had to get my thoughts out.

I'll most likely post again later,

Love, a confused
~Riki Ana

P.s. Kate, i hope your sister finds peace, as do you.

Quickie!

ok so short post. Someone asked about why i like quest for perfection.

It used to be different. Then she changed it to a recovery blog.

It was the most inspirational blog i've ever read.

Too bad it's gone now.
~

She made herself ana.
She succeeded.
But then realized she didn't want it
~
I really can't read it now, i just can't. If it's the fact that it's about recovery or she's trying to tell us the truth, i just can't handle that right now. I plan to be ana forever, she is my friend and i plan to stick with her.
~

But if your looking to get out of Ana go to that blog, it might help.
~

As for me i'm still on my own Quest for Perfection.
~

Love,
~Riki Ana