Sometimes all you need is that little shove...

Hola my beauties :)

Friday i did end up going to the beach, i ate a hot dog and fries from Nathans, i had a slice of pizza from a pizza place, then for dinner we went out to Chili's and shared appetizers- Nachos, Artichoke and spinach dip, and this spicy cheese dip. Mmm.

Friday Night, i slept for 2 hours.

Saturday, I woke up extremely depressed. I don't know why. I felt like a fuck up and failure in all aspects of my life. I ate a cookie from Dunkin Donuts to make me feel better, than i had a little bit of popcorn, and personal pizza, then for dinner i had a piece of grilled chicken.


*EDIT* My blogger fucked me over and didn't publish my whole post. It only published up to here. It was a good fucking post too. Goddamn it. Here's my crappy re-write :(

I slept all of Saturday, and all night. I woke up about half an hour ago. It is Sunday 940 AM

On Saturday whenever i woke up i was having trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality. My dreams were so realistic, my mind couldn't tell the difference.

This morning i woke up feeling physically- euphoric kinda like a high, but not quite there. I had an urge to weigh myself.

116.

I lost 4 lbs. :)

I know it's not a lot, but it's the shove i need to really start my weight loss.
~*~

At the beach there was an obviously anorexic girl. Her arms were so thin there was no meat, just skin wrapping bone. The only part of her that was "thick" and i use the term thick VERY loosely, was her calves. they were very muscular.
Truthfully it was kinda gross looking. I don't like the whole "so thin i could drop dead at any moment" look. I like the slightly underweight, model looking kinda anorexic.

But that's just my personal preference.
~*~

So i did stop smoking for a day. That day was easy as fuck. I realized something, I'm not addicted to cigarettes yet. But here's the thing i enjoy smoking. I like the feel of it curling in my lungs, the look of it coming from my parted lips.

My friend who smokes said this, once you stop enjoying smoking that's when your addicted. I do something i enjoy, once i stop enjoying smoking ill stop.

Im so annoyed blogger didnt publish my whole post. It was so fucking well worded, and i cant remember the way i put shit and all of the topics i touched on.

FUCK YOU BLOGGER.

Love,
~Riki Ana

I'm Back!!

The day before yesterday i got back from my vacation in North Carolina. For once it was quite......entertaining. I lost 7 lbs during the 4 day trip even though i ate like a pig. I went from 120 to 113. Right now i'm at 115.

But i cannot lose any weight for the time being.

Why, might you ask? Because on said trip i got my belly button pierced. If i was any skinnier i wouldn't have been able to get it done. The guy said i was so thin and my stomach was so tight that i had barley any skin there. Also if i lose any more weight my piercing will start to move out of my body because the skin will strecth tighter.

I regret getting done. :( I just don't like it, it doesn't feel like me. I'm thinking about taking it out before it heals so i won't have any scar from it.

But my dad will be pissed because he paid for it.

Gah, i don't know what to do.

Ooh, i have picture for you!!! I have one of my piercing and a picture of me. I look like crap in both. I was on vacation! Who tries to look nice on vacation, seriously?!?!


I was sitting down so my tummy looks big.

*Picture has been removed by author*

It was windy so my hair was crazy, haha. I'll show you better pics next time. In that pic i wasn't happy because I was bored so I'll get you guys one of me smiling next time. :)

That's all for now!

Love,

~Riki Ana

Fairy tales

I wish i could go somewhere. I want a adventure. I want to live in my own place.

i want....

A lot of stuff.

I mainly want freedom. So i can make my own mistakes, my own decisions, and sink or swim.

But alas, i am only 15. i graduate in 2 years though. Then it's off to college....hopefully. Let's hope i get enough scholar ships so i could actually go.

When ever i think about money and stuff like that, i get worried so i sink back into teenage land-where you have enough freedom and safety to be happy and not worry about 'grown-up stuff'

Sometimes I'm happy being a kid. Like now-ish.

Mainly i just wish i lived in a fairy tale.

I worry wayyy to much. The biggest things on my plate now are,
-find a job
-read summer reading books for school
-get school supplies/new clothes

I know, easy. Well for a teen, there aren't. What work place wants to hire a 15yr old with no skills?

the reading....what ever. I'll do it, then i have to write an essay. :[ I'm bad at essays.

School clothes.... yea, the biggest problem is getting something then when i wear it to school i discover i look retarded.

gah, i sound stupid.....I'm going to stop talking about this now. ;)
~*~

I think I'm going to show you guys a picture of me soon. So you can put a face with the words.
Just a warning....i have man face. hahaha. Really, i do! I have my older brother's face put on mine, except i have wayyy more girly lips. And i pluck my eyebrows. but we could be twins. :D
~*~

Food wise today sucked. Damn devil tacos. In the words of a very nice commenter..... or the somewhat words, I'm kinda ad libbing a little, but they are still technically, somewhat HER WORDS!!!

Be happy that you lost 2lbs, some people can't lose that in a week. Any weight lose is a good sign.


So, i'm going to stay chill and work hard and just be happy.

Anyway,
I better be off to bed.
Sweet dreams my beautiful princesses/princes.
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. -I'm starting to look for some great male thinspo for you guys!

Never is a promise you can't afford to make.

Tomorrow my loves is going to be a liquid fast. :D I originally was going to do one today but i decided to eat and take my vitamin, so i could just do it tomorrow.


Anyone want to join??
Ahhh! I'm so excited to finally get that 'i haven't eaten all day' feeling :)


Not much to say....so i guess this will be a short post.

Here's some gorgeous thinspo to inspire all of you!


Hmmmmmm, I just had a thought. Does anyone want me to get guy thinspo too? I'm like 95% sure I have guy readers, so would anyone like dude thinspo instead of chicks for a change??
~*~

Stay Beautiful

Love, Riki Ana

10 days left

I have a big thinspo treat for you!!
Enjoy xoxoxoxox

Let's see, my starting weight before i really wanted to lose was 120 or so. Now I'm 116.5 so 3.5 lbs. NOT GOOD!

I go on vacation in 10 days! So I'm doing a countdown. Today it starts.

I'm think about how if i really want to get down to 105 by then i have to lose around 12 lbs. That's 1.2 lbs a day. Hmm, maybe a fast is in order. I wonder if I'll even be able to do it.

But i must stay strong! I hope you girls are doing good.

Love,

~Riki Ana

My Body. My Mind. MY ORDERS.

Good morning my gorgeous girls and my thintastic boys.

And yes i did just make up the word thintastic. (Thin + Fantastic = thintastic) :D

It's 10:48 am and i just had my first craving of the day. And it was.... Potato Chips.

Gah, but don't worry i just walked away from it and came down here. :)
~*~

Ooh, i just thought of something funny.

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Would you,
-Burn 1000 calories after you ate it?
-Not eat the next day?
-Feel fat and worthless?
-Put on a large sweatshirt to hid you now bloated stomach?
-Purge it?
-Go running?
-Eat another to suppress the guilt rising?

Or you could just put down the damn Klondike bar.

You'll never see those^ in thier commercials.

It was funny in my head but on paper... or well, typed out it sounded depressing. Oh well, it made me giggle.
~*~

I'm going to let you guys hear out some personal issues. It's not necessary to read so you could just skip down to the next ED part but continue if you want. :)

I met this guy. (Oh yes. It's a boy issue, who could have guessed?!?!) He's been in my CCD class for many years, but we never really talked. But at the carnival he asked for my number so i gave it to him.

That's when the texting begin. Saying how he liked my outfit. Why i didn't i text him with a sad face. How he's going to see a movie with his friend's but wants to text me instead.

I thought this is all quite flirty, and it means he's in to me.

Then i say his facebook. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! WHAT THE FUCK?

So after i found out i ignored him for a little. But he didn't stop texting me. "Hey, what's up? I'm bored. Cure my boredom! ANSWER, I'M BORED!"

So finally i said "If your bored why don't you hang out with your girlfriend"

Then he told me the movie thing from up above. "I'm going to see a movie with my friends but i wanna text you"

Now I'm just confused. The guy has a girlfriend! But he's outright flirting with me.

I was asking some of my pro-ana friends online about it and one for them said

"Just because there is a goalie doesn't mean you can't score. ;)"

hahahahahahah

i found that hilarious, but anyway, I'm not that kind of girl to steal some one's guy.
Should i confront him? Or just let it be?

The thought that has dominated my mind has been "what if it's all a trick?"
3 years ago the crush of my dreams, also my best guy friend, asked me out. It was for a dare. That broke my heart, made me feel like shit, and has fucked me up about guys.

As you all know I'm Bi-curious. Why curious? I'm attracted to girls but haven't had a girlfriend.
In my mind your not bi-sexual till you've kissed a girl/had a girlfriend.

But anyway.....

I don't know what to do.

I'm pretty sure I'm not even into this kid. It's prolly just the fact i just want SOMEONE to like me and make me feel special//beautiful.

*sigh*
~*~
Ok back to ED land.

This morning i weighed myself and it was 116.

.5 down, I'm happy with that.

OH YEA----- Check out this pro-ana website! http://letters-from-ana.webs.com/
It has loads of thinspo, Ana music, Ana Books, and even a safe Cookbook!

CHECK IT OUT!

that's all for now my Honey buns :)
Love,
~Riki Ana

Return

Oh my beauties. How I've missed you.

I just weighed myself for my "back to Ana" thingy. Let me tell you it ain't pretty.

116.5, in my defense i have my period so i might be bloated. :/

I know, gross right? I go on vacation on August 16th. that means i have 20 days to get to a decent weight.

What is a decent weight? I don't really know. My goal weight seems impossible. So, I'm going to say below 105, that sounds reasonable.

My eating habits have been put back to "normal" or as I like to call it "fat habits."

It takes 21 days to make a habit and 3 days to break it.

Looks like I'm going to have to defy that and show that i can get my eating habits back in order by then.
~*~

I've missed blogging. It's such an amazing outlet for me. I remember when i first discovered this community, I said i would only read one blog. (It was Ana Regzig's btw) and now look i have my own. It's funny how you can change your mind, I'm glad i did.

I recommend everyone to have a blog, even if you don't use it often, it's nice to know It's there and that there are people waiting to listen to you.

Tomorrow I will fill you all in on my new "plan" to look decent by my vacation.

Love you girls
Sweet Dreams
Love,
~Riki Ana

Quotes!

Since I'm bored, I'm posting all of these inspirational quotes. :D ENJOY!!!!!

~*~
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.

Your stomach shouldn't be a waist basket.

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.

If it tastes good, spit it out.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.

Rich, fatty foods are like destiny: they too, shape our ends.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Life itself is the proper binge.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks.

I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals.

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Starving is not a piece of cake.

If food is your best friend, it's also your worst enemy

People say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear that I think, yeah, that's the problem.

My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it

Clogged with yesterday's excess, the body drags the mind down with it.

I want my hipbones to be as sharp as my mind.

Fat is not a moral problem. It's an oral problem.

If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner.

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.

~*~

I hope you were inspired by that!

Everyone have a wonderful day and, of course,

STARVE ON!!!!!

See ya my skinny bitches!

Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Wanting

Oh how i wish this medication would just be over with.

My ear still is fucked up :( I'm going for a hearing test tomorrow. My doctor said i should regain it fully, so that's good.

On my b-day we went to the beach, my mom really wanted to and i want her to be happy, so i said sure. It was PACKED. Our parking spot wasn't too far away. Then we were standing on line for 10 minutes and i almost passed out.

My mom was freaking out, saying we should leave. HELL NO! i didn't sit in a car for 3 hours just to almost pass out and ruin every one's day. so i drank a lot of water.

I'm fine mostly.

How are you guys doing???

~*~

Ooh, and here's a thinspo treat for you all!

Love,

~Riki Ana

xoxoxo

Only me.

FUCK MY LIFE!

Why might you ask, well first I've been doing great in the weight department 113. But i can good bye to that now.

Why might you ask??

Well, yesterday i was in a lot of pain. My ear was throbbing. It was BAD. I got no sleep last night because of it and now this morning i was going to go to the doctor to get it checked out. I stood up and went to go change. Suddenly my ear felt a lot better. But it felt very wet, like water was dripping out of it. I take two finger and went to wipe it off and my fingers had blood on them.

I KNOW!!!

Turns out my ear pain was actually a massive infection that created pressure and cause my ear-drum to rupture.

Really? COME ON! Tomorrow is my b-day and guess where I'm going? To the beach. Guess what? I can't get my ear wet! That also means no showers!!

ugh. Now I have a napkin taped to my ear to catch the blood that's been draining out of me since 8 am. It's now 3:54 pm.

Also i can't hear out of it. But thank god, I'll regain it once it starts to heal.

But at least when it ruptured all the pressure went away. So not a lot of pain anymore.

This may be TMI but I'm saying it anyway, the most uncomfortable part of it is that i can feel the blood dripping out my ear *shutter*

Oh yea, i have to take the mediation they put me on with food. fuck. So i guess I'm stuck holding off Ana until my ear is better :(
~*~

In other, happier, news. I'm glad to see people are starting to find this blog again after i changed it from riskyriki.

Well, that's all i got for now.
I'm going to go take a nap.
Love,
~Riki Ana
Starve on

Fast re-do. Day 1 Morning

Good morning my loves. Here are some distraction tips from the famous Ana Regzig blog. www.anaregzig.blogspot.com


Distraction from hunger/eating:

#1 - ALWAYS have a bottle of water, tea, diet coke, SOMETHING to drink in your hand. You'll be amazed how often you take sips off it without even thinking, keeping you full and distracted.

Clean something that's filthy, like the toilet or the cat's litter box. Take the garbage out and then scrub the inside of the can before you replace the liner. The smell alone will gross you out so much you'll NEVER want to eat again.

Make a rule of keeping the kitchen absolutely SPOTLESS at all times! Absolutely no dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher, or drying on the side. Keep the towels folded neatly, the spices all lined up and facing label-side out, alphabetize them or put them in height order. Scrub the floor again.
If you make a rule of keeping it immaculate at all times, you won't be so tempted to fix something to eat thus creating more mess to clean.

Purge your stores. Take at least 10 items from your closet, 2 pairs of shoes, and 5 pieces of jewelry and donate them to a local Goodwill or Salvation Army. Then treat yourself to a new outfit - dress, shoes, jewelry, and a hat, belt, or handbag! You'll feel better for helping a good cause - and burn calories without eating at the same time.

Give yourself a manicure. Even if it's only been three days since your last one. If your nails are wet, they can't be digging inside a bag of chips!

Brush your teeth - again. You'll be less tempted to get your teeth and mouth dirty again with food.

Keep your lipstick touched up 24 hours a day. Moisturizer, liner, color, and gloss. Not only will you be constantly beautiful, but you won't be tempted to mess them up by putting food in your mouth. Sip water with a straw.

Purge your kitchen. Start by drinking two full 8-oz glasses of ice cold water, so you'll feel full and cold and won't be tempted to eat. Then get a bag or a box and clean out your cabinets and your fridge of anything that isn't high-fiber, high-protein or low-cal. Donate it to a local homeless shelter or soup kitchen. On your way home, drink another liter of cold water and feel great about your good deeds!

Do spring cleaning in the fall! Start at the top of each room, clean the dust bunnies out of all the corners, off the ceiling fans, dust the tops of shelves, and work your way down until you're sweeping/mopping/vacuuming the floors. Burn calories, burn! Have a tall glass of ice-cold lemon water every hour as you go, to keep your stomach from growling.

DANCE! Why wait to get to the club? Dim the lights, or turn off the bulb-lights and light a slew of candles. Put on a disc of all your favorite dance tunes and pump up the volume! Even better - set up a full-length mirror and work on your dance moves. Which moves could look better if you were just five pounds thinner? Let these images be your own thinspiration.

Look at that journal of thinspo again. Then look in the mirror and remember how far you have to go. Skim through magazines or online articles and find at least 10 new pictures to add.

Set your alarm to go off every half-hour. Set your shoes by the front door. No matter what you're doing when the alarm goes off, drop it, put on your shoes, and walk around the block as fast as you can. When you get home, have an 8-oz glass of ice water and set the alarm for the next half-hour.

Get creative. Do you sew, knit, or crochet? Are you great at pottery or glass etching, origami, painting or sketching? Are you an excellent poetess? Get started NOW on creative, beautiful, and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. And picture how skinny you'll be by the time you give these gifts to your loved ones.

Feel like you're about to binge? Before you open the fridge, write a one-page journal entry about why you feel like eating, ask yourself if you're really hungry or just bored. Remind yourself of your goals and question if this binge is going to help you reach those goals. Don't like writing essays? Don't allow yourself to eat UNLESS you write that page!

Write out a precise schedule of everything you're going to do tomorrow to stay distracted. (ex: 10 am-walk the dog, 10:30-lift weights, 11-wash dishes by hand, 11:30-shower, Noon-redo hair and makeup, 12:30-manicure, etc...) Don't allow yourself anytime to rest or eat. Only cold water. Then STICK to it!
~*~

Well, it's only 10:26am and i'm already hungry. Ughhghghgh. Don't worry though, later i'm going out to buy a 2liter bottle of diet coke. yummmmmyyyyy! That should help squash my growling tummy!

Ooh I saw toy story 3 yesterday- ADORABLE! Totally worth the 11 years i've waited from when i was a little kid, though i think the 2nd one is better.

Oh and thanks to Liz for thing inspirational comment!! :)

Anywhoo, can't really think of anything else to write.

Maybe some thinspo later!??!?!?

Love,
~Riki Ana
xoxoxo

Liquid fast Day 2- Nighttime

Failure.

Why, might you ask? One word-FAMILY.

I was doing great it was around 3:30pm no food. Then my dad came over and suddenly i had a bag of peanut M&M's in my hand. FUCK. Then more food, and more food. DAMNIT!

Fuck failure. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of fucking everything.

I will lose weight. My birthday is 1 week from Friday, and i REFUSE to be fucking 119 lbs on MY fucking day.

*taking a deep breath*

Tonight i will sleep in.

Tomorrow will go like this.

-wake up 10AM

-watch TV/blog 10-12AM

-Clean house12-1PM

-Walk around town 1-whenever

I better not fail tomorrow.

or

There WILL be hell to pay.

****DEEEEEEEPPPP BRRREEEAAATTTHHHH*******

I love you all, my beauties.

Good-night/Sweet dreams

Love,

~Riki Ana

p.s. here's some Thinspo to help you dream about beautiful goals that you CAN achieve :D

Good morning my beautiful girls

I finally figured something out. I eat more around people then when I'm by myself. I was at my friend's house yesterday, and i ate D: but anyway, whenever she was next to me i would eat, then when ever she left the room i would put it down, then when she would come back in..... it's a fucking cycle!!!

Now that i noticed i realize I've done this for a while. At lunch i would always eat IN FRONT of my friends.

WHY?

I think it's because i want them to think 'I'm naturally skinny, see i eat ALL the time, I couldn't skip days of eating!'

If this is the case for the rest of my liquid fast i might have to be MIA, and no not mia, i mean Missing In Action.
At least for the friends i always eat around. My other friend R, we just walk through 3 different towns while drinking 32oz diet cokes that we got for 54cents :) Maybe I'll give her a call....
~*~

In other news,more from Haley. "I'm sorry if i offended you in anyway .. You are right I've never experienced a eating disorder. And i never know anyone with one.. So i guess I'm just curious of why some one would want to be so skinny? That is why I'm at your blog. And I don't want you to think i hate skinny people because I wouldn't want to be fat myself I just never had the chance to feel what it was like to have a little meat on my bones."

Oh, you didn't offend me, quite the opposite. When i read your first comment it seemed more like a challenge. Like you were trying to tell me i had no right for trying to starve myself. That my way of life way wrong.

Your welcome to read my blog anytime. I see now that your just trying to understand a different kind of living that we experience. Just as long your not trying to shut me down, your welcome to read.

Personally, i hate the feeling of fat on my bones. Maybe having fat on my ass for a cushion of sucky chairs but that's about it. I smile when i feel bone.

Now you're 82 lbs...And you hate it. You just can't gain weight. Try eating things that have a high amount of fat. Nothing diet. Drink whole milk, eat cake. Sorry the only time i've ever tried to gain weight was for a doctor's appoment, and that was like my second post or something. Try drinking Ensure! It's a nutrinal liquid, high in calories, that you can buy in the food store. They give it to paitents on eating disorder units to make them gain weight. I thinking it might do the same for you.

For most "normal" people, they'll never be able to understand what goes on in our minds. I don't really care what anyone thinks of my lifestyle, and i'll contuine to do it. But that is your lifestyle, and i'm not going to stop you in getting what you want, and nobody should. I hope you get the curves you desire.

Gain weight,
~Riki Ana
~*~

Now, back to bussiness, today i declare is NO FAIL DAY for me! I know, i'm cheesy, but that's why you love me right?!? :D

If R can't hang out it looks like i'll be stuck away from everyone, if that's what it takes I'm willing to do it.

Ooh, GREAT SHOW ALERT! Losing it with Jillian. The chick from biggest loser.
Here's the website for the show http://www.nbc.com/losing-it-with-jillian/
BEST SHOW EVER! She screams at them to keep trying and lose thier weight ahhh such a good show!

YOU MUST WATCH IT. hahaha :D

Anyway,
That's all for now my chickaboos.
Starve on
And Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

Haley's comment.

"Why do you want to be 95 pounds? Im sorry for being kinda blunt and everything but being skinny isnt everything im skinny actually very skinny way to skinny i would love to be 119 pounds im 82 pounds ive tried everything to gain weight and i cant it really sucks. i understand you u want a nice looking body but you should do it in another way work out eat healthy foods but just eat. and eat right."
^for those who didn't read her comment^

Hello Haley. Your comment is like a fishing lure hung in front of my face. I know i shouldn't but oh, wouldn't it satisfy me just to take a nibble? Hmmm, I'll bite.

I've read your blog Haley. I don't understand it really. I'm going to assume you've never had a eating disorder by your post. I'm going to assume again, that you have a VERY fast metabolism and have been blessed to be thin. But then, you know what they say about when you assume.

I'm going to help you. I understand you eat a lot. Maybe that's why your stomach always hurts.
Or, you could have something wrong with your stomach. But then of course, I'm not a doctor.

Sorry to say, i don't find curves attractive. Maybe on some people, like C, but not on me.

Eat healthy? Exercise? Oh gosh! What a revelation!

Of course I've already tried that. But when I'm not getting the results i want, why shouldn't i try something else?

Why would i want to look like a toothpick you asked. Well, in my eyes toothpicks are beautiful
But i guess to each his own.

You think bones are disgusting? Oh my dear, you've come to the wrong blog. I think bones are gorgeous.

"Be glad your not 200 or 300 or 80 b/c I'm sure that's worse than 120"

Oh i jump for joy at the fact I'm not 200/300. 80lbs is a little low for me. I say no less than 90lbs. 90 would be the extreme for me. Now 95, that would be perfect.

Why would that be perfect? You wouldn't understand. I don't even. I remember when i was younger i would never gain weight. When i finally broke that 100 lbs mark you could feel how happy i was. But inside me i felt something, a twinge of regret. A seed of self-hate and self-respect waiting to grow inside of you into a enormous flower.

I got this number in my head for many reasons, not a lot of them i could actually name. Just a thought that pop ed in my head perhaps.

You've never layed in your bed after the first day of a fast. Thinking 'oh my god i haven't eaten all day. Amazing' The amount of pride i have for myself when i think that, makes me feel as though i could fly.

I hope I've answered your questions fully. If not, comment again. I also hope you understand me a little better.

I have a question for you tho. What has brought you to my blog?
I hope you answer.

Haley I'm assuming again you don't want Starve on as your goodbye so for you.....

Gain weight
~Riki Ana

~*~
To everyone doing the fast GOOD LUCK!!! I'm starving along with you. I've already had 5cals of jello.

To all my other loves,
Stay Strong//Starve on
Love,
~Riki Ana

Ready, Set.....

Hello my loves. I have good news! Starting at mid-night tonight I'm beginning a liquid fast. Yay! Would anyone like to join? It's going from tomorrow, Monday June 28th till Midnight on Thursday July 1st so a 4 day cleansing fast.

Why do i need a cleansing fast might you ask? Well, to day i was at a bridal shower and WOW! There was a lot of food. My birthday is July 4th and i want to be as thin as possible by then.

Here are the things you can consume:
Allowed
Juice
Popsicles
jello
water
diet soda
gum
black coffee

Not Allowed
milkshakes
smoothies
fancy coffees

So good luck to anyone that wants to join me!!!
Got any questions/need advice/want someone to talk to?
Email me at Riki.Ana44@gmail.com

So as i was saying before... Ready? Set. GO!

Love ya girls!!!
~Riki Ana
**Stay Strong//Starve on!**

p.s. weight back up to 118...possibly 119 thanks to food today. D: Oh well, fast here i come! :)

Good night my sweets

Re-do

I'm ready for a re-do of my body, of my life, and of myself.

These past couple weeks of my hiatus, was...oh how should i put it...Bad. I'm quite...unqualified to even try to wear a bathing suit right now.

I've broken a new record with my weight. And no, that's NOT good. My new high weight as of yesterday was 119. But don't worry my sweets, i restricted yesterday and brought myself back down to a still fat, 117.5

I'm also quite bloated, from our favorite....monthly curse.

I've started to put together a binder of things i want. Like the "easy tone" shoes (since I'm always walking) and this awesome dress, a fridge reorganization (looking forward for when i move out in 4 years *sigh*)

I just got the prettiest bikini yesterday! I. Need. A. Flat. Stomach. I have 10 days till July 4th. That was my goal for 95..... guess not. I have to lose 22.5 lbs to get to my goal. I'm striving for
1lb a day.

My main motivation is the belly button piercing I'm getting on August 20th. So, I'm excited for that.

Oh my loves, how i have missed you all. My mind is always here even if I'm not.
But don't you worry, because I'm back! :D

Maybe once i get my camera for my b-day I'll upload some pic of my bathing suit body....that is once I finally achieve that body.

Tomorrow I'm thinking I'm going to fast, in honor of school ending yesterday. You know what that means? It means, that I'll have more time to blog! :)

Until my fast tomorrow, fruits/veggies ONLY.

It's time for me to show my hunger who's boss.

Love,
Riki Ana

P.S.--Check out this awesome/thinspo song!!

Me and Mia- Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

As I was walking through a life one morning the sun was out,
the air was warm, but Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes
But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive might help you to survive.
We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand Tradition
And oh, what did we find?
It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Oh, we'd been unkind

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine.
But call your friends,
'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive, might help you to survive.

And even the nights, they could get better
And even the days ain't all that bad
And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom and dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes?
Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence
Fighting to survive, more dead but more alive
Cigarettes and speed for livin', and sleeping pills to feel forgiven
All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived
All the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change
Don't have any idea. They'll never see so clear.
But don't forget what it really means to hunger strike
when you don't really need to
Some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours.

And even the nights, they could get better.

Ana? Where are you?

I miss her voice. I don't hear it as often as i used too. You all know what I'm saying. That tiny hiss from inside you. Don't eat that. The voice that makes you run to the scale. You fat pig. The voice that makes you examine every inch of you skin. Look at yourself. No wonder you have no friends. They probably can't stand the sight of you. The voice that gives you hope. You're so close to your goal weight! Keep going, I know you can do it!!!

I think she's pissed at me. I've been eating way too much. Though i lost a pound. She'll come back, once she see's how strong i am. :D

~*~
Anyway, creepy rambling aside. I feel so defeated. Like i can't do anything right.

BLEH!

I'm sick of sadness. I'm sick of depression. I just want to be happy. Which i am.... Kind of. I feel like people are never truly happy. We always have that dread in the back of our mind. Those bills coming up, the baby is sick, i'm failing this class, how can i take my family on vacation, i have to get that project done, etc.

We are stressed, but that's life. In drama class someone read this monologue that made me think. It was all about how you shouldn't focus on being happy. No, you can't obtain happy. You should just try to be ok.

And you know what?

I think, i'm ok.

I'm not happy, i'm not sad. At this very moment, i feel ok. No more defeated attitude. I'm ok, i'm not exactly sure what that means, or the consequences of that feeling are, but i'm ready to see.
~*~

In OhMyGosh's blog awhile back she said something very true.
"As I mentioned a few posts back, McDonald’s has a billboard that is all red with a box of fries on it. The only thing it says is, “Box of Happiness.” Fuck you, McDonald’s, but you’re right. Your fries would have made me happy for a second but then I would have hated myself for the rest of the week. Right… a moment on the lips, forever on the hips."

When I eat, it makes me feel better. The taste and smell of food makes me forget my worries....for a moment. Then i feel bloated and fat. Also i get the joy of looking at the scale the next day which is flippen fantastic. But it has too stop. I need something else to ake me feel better... instead of food.
~*~

My friend B is depressed. I'm really upset that i can't help her. She's gone through a lot of shit in her short life so far. More than some have to experience in a lifetime. I'm scared. In 8th grade she was going to kill herself. Luckily my other friend C and I were talking to her all day trying to lift her spirits. I thank god it worked.

She told me this year that if we weren't there, she wouldn't be here today.

It breaks my heart that she's hurting. I wish there was someway to take her pain. I hate seeing people being hurt. I would rather have her pain then let her have to deal with it. My cousin always says I would give someone what they needed even if it ment giving it up myself.

She was crying all day on Friday. Going to the bathroom to cry. Not talking, and moving away when we got close.

I hate to see her sad. I wish it was at a person so at least i could hit them or something.

She's hurting herself emotionally, and maybe psychically. She said she hasn't done it since last year but who knows.

I'm so fucking hypocritical. I'm technically hurting myself by not eating, but she can't hurt herself other ways. It's always different for someone else instead of yourself.

I just want her to be happy, even if i can't be it myself. "I'm the type of girl that be so hurt but still look at you and smile. The type of girl that will brighten your day, even if i can't brighten my own."

Love,
~Riki Ana

HELLO? Anybody here?

Ok, so may i just say Crisis averted. I ate normally this past week to avoid suspicion. But now I'm back.

I have a 3 day long weekend thanks to Memorial Day. This weekend will be my getting back in the groove of things. Today is the 29th of May. I thought I'd be around 95 lbs by now. But no. I'm at 115.5 D: it's my own fault. I take full responsibility for it too. But i'm going to stop and take on a new goal. By July 4th i WILL be 95lbs.

So far today i've had a Nutria-grain strawberry bar. That's 140 cals down the fucking drain. I'm giving myself a 500 cal limit. Includes liquids.

Ooh, new favorite thing alert. I LOVE strawberry or lemon flavored water! It tastes AMAZINtG and for 0 cals!!! :D

For lunch i think i'm going to eat some fruit, probably watermelon or something.

Then for dinner.... a salad with salsa?!?! Mmm.

I hope you guys are still reading. I hope you didn't lose my blog. :(

If your still out there,

Love you guys,

~Riki Ana

Holy shit!!!!!!

Ok, i just got back from my sleepover. I was gone from 8:45 yesterday to 2:30 today. I come onto the computer to find this..... www.riskyriki.blogspot.com in the fucking address bar history. FUCK. I must have forgotten to delete it! My entire ana-life might have been exposed. I don't know if anyone looked at it, but know i'm scared as hell.

If someone did look at it, they'll definitely remember my web-address so as of now the new blog address is www.beautyiswhatiwant.blogspot.com

Girls, i know some of my users aren't posted of my blog updates and just check my blog through the address. So if you could spread the word of my new address that would be great.

I'm scared. I can't be found out.

Oh god. What should i do?

If someone questions me, now at least they won't have evidence and i could just deny it, i could deny it like ana denys food. Oh god!

First i get my interm report to see the crappest comments ever "in danger for failing marking period." Why do you tell me i'm doing good and then say that????? Well, FUCK YOU.

My heart is racing. There is nothing i can do except...

...

Wait.

And let's hope i have to wait for a looooonnnngggg time for anyone to find me out.

Love,
~Riki Ana
p.s. 114lbs

One word, many complications. MALL

It's 10:14 pm. I have to get to bed soon, since i have to wake up early tomorrow. Today i ate around....750-850 cals. Not Bad.




I was going to fast today but i decided that since i'm going to end up eating something crappy, i should have my metabolism going.



I feel fat. *sigh* I've been looking at thinspo all day, and now i'm just plain old depressed.



I've been having a lot of food thoughts all day. Many the most evil words EVER spoken WETZEL PRETZEL **Gasp** all i've been thinking of is a sinfully cinnamon pretzel. Mmm


But then i think of the dress episode from a while ago, when i couldn't get it over my head. D:



But come on, It has the word sinful in the title! Who would want to eat something sinful? What marketing company is like "What should we call this?" "OOH ME! PICK ME!" "Anyone anyone at all" "ME! OVER HERE!" "*Sigh* Ok what is it." "SINFUL CINNAMON!" "But why would you eat something sinful?" NOOO MAKE IT THAT *cries* "Ok, ok it's sinfull!" "YAYYYAYAYAY!"


~*~
I have to thank Ana Banana for the beautiful blogger award! I'll do that official post tomorrow. :)


:) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D

Anyway, i'm sleepy. Good night everyone! Or Good morning if you life somewhere like that!

I wish i looked like her laying down ^^^^

One Day i will.

Love,

~Riki Ana

xoxox