Fuck, i'm sorry. :(

Damn my beauties i forgot you guys again. I can make the excuses that i was busy, working a lot, etc etc. But whatever forget the past, enjoy the present so let's begin.

Well I'm currently employed. I'm a cashier at a small grocery store and stand all day-so burning calories constantly yay. School is whatever, and my life is bullshit but let's get to the point you all care about.

I'm currently 113 lbs, over the past 2 weeks of restricting i lost 7 lbs so fuck yes.

Today was a good/bad day. We had a half day at school and i ended up getting suspended half way through hahaa, but whatever. Thanks high school that's a great punishment-thanks for the three day weekend!

Then I went to work where my stepsister visited me, my boss started giving me dirty looks so I told her multiple times "Please leave my boss will yell at me" and she refused to listen saying it wont happen. Like, no bitch if I tell you to leave please fucking leave. So finally he told her to leave and then proceeded to yell at me and i got really fucking pissed and told him i tried to get her to leave multiple times and she wouldn't.

gahhh.

Thank god I have a fresh pack of cigarettes or I would have hit someone.

I have work tomorrow 2-8 then on Sunday 10-7 so blogging will be minimum. I'll try to get on at least once a day from now on my beauties.
~*~

The weather in NJ has been crazy lately. A couple days ago was 70 and today was 50, please make up your mind. But with spring coming, I have come to the realization that bikini season is also approaching. FUCK. I'm going to upload some current photos in the next few days so you can see my progress.

I WILL BE 95 LBS BY THE TIME SCHOOL LET'S OUT.
Please Ana, help me restrict and fast so that my body will fade into nothingness and every girl will be green with envy when I walk past them in my itsy bitsy bikini showing my prominent hip bones and defined ribs. Ana give me strength.

~*~

In other news, my depression is still very high. Especially at night- I don't know if it's the darkness or something but I get so suicidal and unhappy. God, it's horrible.

Just remembered something important- Last week i had a pregnancy scare, and oh god, was i scared. My boyfriend, on and off for a year, had a nasty break-up. I was horrified that I would be stuck with his child to constantly remind me of him and the broken heart he left me. Oh and another present that asshole left me with is HPV. yeah, i know.

The thing no one understands is that he was/always will be my first love. The love i gave him was the purest, truest form. I gave him everything I could, my virginity, my heart, my money, my past, my future, and he threw it all away for a whore.

Live and learn, i guess?

.....ugh
~*~

well, that's all i feel like saying right now.
I'll divulge more later.
I love you, my beauties, my friends, my family.
Love,
~Riki Ana

May Ana give you strength.

Special K

Tomorrow ill do my special K diet which will be me eating a cup of special K through the course of the day. :D

I hung out with my guy friend Ian, and we smoked an L and i went and babysat, I'm a great person i know. It was a lot of fun. Ian even kissed me. Yay.

My weight 115.

Unacceptable for school. Goal weight- 105.

Love,
~Riki Ana

End of day, post 2

Hush little baby don't you stir
Don't listen to the voices that you hear
They are just the monsters under your bed
in your closet and in your head

My sister decided i was too messy to share a room with a threw all of my clothes into the hallway, thanks sis. Im not cleaning the up. i put them into a garbage bag, i dont give a shit ill go the the bag everyday and wear them until they get dirty and someone will wash them and fold them up.

I'm one stubborn bitch.

~*~
Thinspo treat
I will be beautiful.

Im going to make a new ED bracelet, its going to be red beads with a dragonfly charm. ill upload a pic once i make it.
Thats my stomach all signed from bamboozle. :)
Thin, but not thin enough.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Time for a comeback

Well, my life has not been going where i've expected...

But yes, this is my return to Ana.

My life has become fucked up-ish. Let's go over what has happened. I had a boyfriend named Chris, i explored my physical side of a relationship, so i've had everything that isn't sex. Oral, anal, all that shit. Except with the anal he put it in and i told him to take it the fuck out cuz it hurt hahahaha Now we are broken up, we dated a month, i feel kinda slutty.

I smoke cigarettes now, around 6 a day. I smoke weed, let's just say enough to be considered a stoner in my school. the people i used to look down upon i have become.

I have in school suspension tomorrow for cutting classes, and ill have sense again for cutting chemistry, which im failing btw, except i didn't mean to cut. I cut lunch to go smoke a cigarette like i do everyday and my friends wanted to smoke weed so i went with them and smoked except stupid me was massively dehydrated and i passed out. It was awesome.

I lost all of my old friends because i've changed and my new friends are untrustworthy but fun to be around. I have a couple old friends left.
I lost my main friend Rania, she was the girl that was moving an hour away and i cried for. Fuck her. She betrayed me. She told my sister i drank and smoked weed, and smoked cigarettes, and that i have snuck out before. Stupid bitch.

My weight is 120-122.2.

Fuck that. I'll write more later.
It's good to be back.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Where has time gone?

Last post: October 5th.

What the hell happened? So much has happened to me and you guys haven't been informed.

Ok so let's see, i got drunk for the first time ever on Saturday. Holy crap, i know. A couple hours of my life gone. *poof*
It wasn't as awesome as everyone makes it out to be.
My friend who wasn't there asked me how it was. I couldn't explain. I feel like part of me, my innocence?, has gone. I know I'm still much more innocent in some ways. But part of my rose-colored glasses have been broken. That fact makes me sad. It makes me realize childhood is pretty damn awesome.

Food wise, I've been pretty normal. Wait, not even pretty. I've been perfectly normal.

Which isn't so perfect.

122.5
The highest I've ever been.

I have slight muffin top; not enough to be gross for other people to look at but large enough for me to notice. I can tell my trust-worthy metabolism is slowly beginning to fail me.


I don't know where me and Ana stand at this point. I don't hear the viscous whisper of whether or not i should eat any more. Every once in a while she speak at lunch, and everyone once in a while I'll listen. But we all are aware of what I did when i got home. *mouth drooling at the thought*

Should I make a full comeback?

I want too, I really do.
But I'm worried about my, i can't think of the word, motivation? No that's not it.
My ability to starve.

Can i handle having Ana return to me? I faintly remember my prime of Ana. *sigh*

I planned on slimming down today. So yesterday after dinner, penne and vodka sauce, i got a packet of breakfast essentials, a drink mix full of vitamins and healthy shit, drank that mixed into a full glass of whole milk and took a multi-vitamin.

So i would be all healthed up my descent.

Can i, the pudgy normal eater, become skinny once more?

Hmmm, we shall see.

Love,
~Riki Ana
P.s. I've missed you all so much!!!!!!!

Oh and i hope Thanksgiving to all you who celebrate it didn't get you down too much.

Fairy tales

I wish i could go somewhere. I want a adventure. I want to live in my own place.

i want....

A lot of stuff.

I mainly want freedom. So i can make my own mistakes, my own decisions, and sink or swim.

But alas, i am only 15. i graduate in 2 years though. Then it's off to college....hopefully. Let's hope i get enough scholar ships so i could actually go.

When ever i think about money and stuff like that, i get worried so i sink back into teenage land-where you have enough freedom and safety to be happy and not worry about 'grown-up stuff'

Sometimes I'm happy being a kid. Like now-ish.

Mainly i just wish i lived in a fairy tale.

I worry wayyy to much. The biggest things on my plate now are,
-find a job
-read summer reading books for school
-get school supplies/new clothes

I know, easy. Well for a teen, there aren't. What work place wants to hire a 15yr old with no skills?

the reading....what ever. I'll do it, then i have to write an essay. :[ I'm bad at essays.

School clothes.... yea, the biggest problem is getting something then when i wear it to school i discover i look retarded.

gah, i sound stupid.....I'm going to stop talking about this now. ;)
~*~

I think I'm going to show you guys a picture of me soon. So you can put a face with the words.
Just a warning....i have man face. hahaha. Really, i do! I have my older brother's face put on mine, except i have wayyy more girly lips. And i pluck my eyebrows. but we could be twins. :D
~*~

Food wise today sucked. Damn devil tacos. In the words of a very nice commenter..... or the somewhat words, I'm kinda ad libbing a little, but they are still technically, somewhat HER WORDS!!!

Be happy that you lost 2lbs, some people can't lose that in a week. Any weight lose is a good sign.


So, i'm going to stay chill and work hard and just be happy.

Anyway,
I better be off to bed.
Sweet dreams my beautiful princesses/princes.
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. -I'm starting to look for some great male thinspo for you guys!

Merry Christmas....Happy Holidays!

So i hope everyone is doing good...cuz i'm not.







I know look at that Riki failed again.







BOO FUCKING WHOOO







I'll start over after the holidays. I'm not letting myself feel bad because it's my own fault. My weight is 109.5. 4.5lbs off.

Enough about my sad weight i have better things to tell you about

~~~~~~~

Ok so i think my mom is starting to get suspicious. Which is weird judging by the fact I've been binging around her constantly. We were talk about Britney Murphy *RIP* died and how it might be because she was anorexic/drug abuser. Stupidly I may have defended Ana a little.

I was like "Anorexia can't kill you, only if you starve to the point of organ failure. I say Anorexia with the combined drug use was too much for her heart."

My mom then said "Anorexia WILL KILL YOU. Not eating will kill you!" An other stuff of that nature. I my head i was like 'i can last days with out eating and not die so HAHAHA' But in my head.... lol

Then i put on my fav outfit. It makes me look skinner than normal. except for my fat ass thighs but those suck and are touching which pisses me off, but back on track.

Then my mom after she saw my outfit said "That makes you look like a bag of bones" to which i said "i think it looks cute" But on the inside i was saying "FUCK YEA!!!!"

Then she asked me what i ate yesterday. Which i shall never repeat. Too horrifying...

Then she said the sugar cookies i ate DON'T COUNT. Because they have little sugar because my foods teacher can't have a lot of sugar. Then that makes them have NO CALORIES. WHICH IS A LIE. Just because the sugar has decreased doesn't get rid of the BUTTER, EGGS, FLOUR, SUGAR WE PUT ON TOP. She just doesn't get calories. gah

Oh well, I'll make sure to start eating in front of her.

Oh yea i thought of something i found funny.

Christmas cookies/binges = Santa's gift to anorexics to make him feel better about himself.

hahaha so true.

Anyway, i happened to look at some random blog and it was for a girl who was committing suicide though Ana.

WHICH PISSED ME OFF! If you are doing that get off my blog right now. I find that so annoying. You go through all of this hard work, just to die. So stupid.

My rule is what's the point of being skinny if your dead. Which makes me do Ana in the healthiest way possible. So i can just balance myself on that razor thin line of perfection.

Sorry for ranting.......

Someone in the comments was saying how i must be mad since i was cursing. I curse a lot. I usually curse at least once in every post. i don't do it on purpose but it's the way i am.

I was very surprised to see that i had 30 followers. That just makes me want to work harder. Knowing more people are watching me fail makes me want to stay on track.

Love you all! I hope you enjoy the holidays, and stay away from those fattening treats.

Starve on,

~Riki Ana

So...i suck....yep

Well, as you see the title, i suck. Greatly. Yea i've been ding a lot lot of binging. I've been destroying myself with food. Can i ask a question? WHY DO I LOOK SKINNIER AT 115 THAN AT 109???WTF Like you could see my ribs and i had a flatter tummy, so wtf?

Whatever, at 95 i'll look perfect....

So tomorrow i'm going to make it a final binge day. I know gross. But it will help me in the long run. Then i'm going to go food shopping. I'm going to buy fruits and low cal stuff. so that's good.

here's my plan...

BACK ON TRACK LIST
get more healthy fruits and veggies.
Eat no more than 500 cals a day.
Finish this routine by the end of each day
-200 star jumps
-200 sit ups
-200 crunches
-1 hr of walking
Drink at least 6 bottles of water each day
NO JUNK FOOD
Focus on studying to show everyone i'm not a dumb ass

~~~~~~~~~

Yep, i've actually brought my grade up in world history but my mom doesn't believe me soo...wtf?

The teacher even told the class that i'm been doing fabulously and that you can bring up you're grade if you try.

But apparently i'm lying.

ughh

~~

Anyway, I feel all bloated and gross. I feel like i'm going to get my period soon. My weight is pretty much near "normal" so i wouldn't doubt it. It would be nice to know that in my quest for perfection i didn't harm my babymaker. (Sorry if it is TMI lol) Anyway.....

~~

Yep. Oh yea i read a funny thing. Some one's signature was

Eatin's Cheatin

It rhythms and anything that rhythms sticks in my head so it will help me lol.

I really want to fast but i'm going to wait in till i regain control.

Thank you all for commenting. It's annoying how much pressure is put on us and for the littlest things we get reprimanded. We need some way to cope, which 'some' say is why ED occurs. But why should they care? We are becoming perfect, is that a bad thing? Nope. So be quiet while i shrink away.

Ana luv to you.

Starve On, and Think Thin

~Riki Ana

Perfection...

Why is it whenever i do something it's never good enough?

My sister and i had to clean the house so we pulled names out of a hat. She got all of the hard jobs. She than commanded me to go upstairs and do mine. My sister doesn't know how to ask she always commands it makes me feel like a fucking dog. No, wait, she treats our dog better than me.

Anyway, so i went upstairs to do mine. I felt bad for her getting all of the hard ones so i did her jobs. All of them. And i did mine. Then she comes upstairs. She starts telling me everything i did wrong. Oh, there is still stuff on the rug. Over there too. That bed isn't made right. That's just a taste of everything i do wrong. Then she sees i cleaned everything including her rooms. She said thanks....Then went back to commanding me o do more stuff. Then i made everyone dinner. (I really just put it in the oven) And my sister asked if i was going to have any. i said no. She said Yes you are. So then i ate dinner.

Then everyday my mom is asking me about my grades. How they suck. How i need to pick them up. How she never sees me doing any homework. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOUR NEVER HOME MOM, EVER THINK OF THAT? Really my mom is never home because she's working, for us. So i don't really care much about that. But everyone needs to get off my fucking back!

I got 3 C's, 3 B's, and 2 A's. Not so bad it means I'm average. But really who the fuck wants average?

I'm never good enough am i? I'm not cleaning enough, I'm not smiling enough, my grades are good enough, I'M NOT SKINNY ENOUGH.

That's it. The game is on. I WILL BE PERFECT.

I don't care if it kills me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So that's that. Off to the rest of the blog.

I will restart my Fast (again) today. i feel stronger since of what happened yesterday.

Also if you want to try this go ahead. i bought a calendar. Then i took 3 different colors and made them represent Red- Binge. Blue-Fast. Yellow- Restrict. So then you can look back and see how you did over that period of time. It helps me. Then I can plan ahead. Seeing it on paper helps, because you can see how amazing your doing or how crappy.

Good luck everyone. Tell me how ur doing.

Starve on my skinny minnies.
~Riki Ana