Fuck, i'm sorry. :(

Damn my beauties i forgot you guys again. I can make the excuses that i was busy, working a lot, etc etc. But whatever forget the past, enjoy the present so let's begin.

Well I'm currently employed. I'm a cashier at a small grocery store and stand all day-so burning calories constantly yay. School is whatever, and my life is bullshit but let's get to the point you all care about.

I'm currently 113 lbs, over the past 2 weeks of restricting i lost 7 lbs so fuck yes.

Today was a good/bad day. We had a half day at school and i ended up getting suspended half way through hahaa, but whatever. Thanks high school that's a great punishment-thanks for the three day weekend!

Then I went to work where my stepsister visited me, my boss started giving me dirty looks so I told her multiple times "Please leave my boss will yell at me" and she refused to listen saying it wont happen. Like, no bitch if I tell you to leave please fucking leave. So finally he told her to leave and then proceeded to yell at me and i got really fucking pissed and told him i tried to get her to leave multiple times and she wouldn't.

gahhh.

Thank god I have a fresh pack of cigarettes or I would have hit someone.

I have work tomorrow 2-8 then on Sunday 10-7 so blogging will be minimum. I'll try to get on at least once a day from now on my beauties.
~*~

The weather in NJ has been crazy lately. A couple days ago was 70 and today was 50, please make up your mind. But with spring coming, I have come to the realization that bikini season is also approaching. FUCK. I'm going to upload some current photos in the next few days so you can see my progress.

I WILL BE 95 LBS BY THE TIME SCHOOL LET'S OUT.
Please Ana, help me restrict and fast so that my body will fade into nothingness and every girl will be green with envy when I walk past them in my itsy bitsy bikini showing my prominent hip bones and defined ribs. Ana give me strength.

~*~

In other news, my depression is still very high. Especially at night- I don't know if it's the darkness or something but I get so suicidal and unhappy. God, it's horrible.

Just remembered something important- Last week i had a pregnancy scare, and oh god, was i scared. My boyfriend, on and off for a year, had a nasty break-up. I was horrified that I would be stuck with his child to constantly remind me of him and the broken heart he left me. Oh and another present that asshole left me with is HPV. yeah, i know.

The thing no one understands is that he was/always will be my first love. The love i gave him was the purest, truest form. I gave him everything I could, my virginity, my heart, my money, my past, my future, and he threw it all away for a whore.

Live and learn, i guess?

.....ugh
~*~

well, that's all i feel like saying right now.
I'll divulge more later.
I love you, my beauties, my friends, my family.
Love,
~Riki Ana

May Ana give you strength.

Crazy

Yesterday was possibly the worst night of my life.

Let me explain, i went out with my stepsister and we got drunk with a hot guy and his grenade friend. I took the grenade-she owes me. After getting completely shitfaced, i had to go home. i got dropped off down the street and realized i didn't have shoes. I said fuck it and went home anyway.

I was a shit show.

My mom knew immediately and began to fight with me. Then it happened.

I went completely insane. As you all know, i have occasional mental breakdowns. Well, this was the craziest so far. I was bat shit insane. I was on verge of killing myself, something i look down on. I was so completely hopeless and so ready to die i was just figuring out how to do it.

I was so upset and crazy, I'm not even in trouble for coming home drunk.

This episode makes me think i need medication. but i refuse to go to a psychiatrist, i cannot talk to strangers, or anyone else for that matter, about my problems.

I was discussing it with my very close friend and she understood and helped me. The reason i have these breakdowns if bc i repress my emotions. If something bad happens- BAM ill push it to the back of my mind.

Everything i hated about myself came flowing out in a river of depression. I was just yelling at one point- i want to die, just let me die. I hate everything about myself, i hate life. Just let me be at peace.

I was so bad last night i was texting my friends and family good bye. I had every intention of killing myself-The only thing that stopped me? I passed out.

Holy shit.

Love,
~Riki Ana