Family Love

My mother is home on vacation this week. Which basically means its gonna be hell for anyone unlucky enough to be home. I don't know why she always feels the need to start fights with everyone. She never has a nice thing to say about anyone. Just stop being so cold hearted and full of hate. It is so poisonous.

My friend, lets call him SF, and I are getting more comfortable hooking up. I am so excited. I have been waiting 3 years for him to finally want me. This current situation is just fun and games, the real shit has not been acknowledged yet. I hope, for once, this turns out the way I want it too. But there is a voice in the back of my mind whispering 'Be careful what you wish for.'

Oh and I was reading the comments from a while back, and I noticed some hate. Okay everyone, get ready for this. If you have any problem with who I am, what I say, what I do, who I do, what I eat, how much/how little I eat, etc etc etc You can click that red X at the top of the screen and you will never have to see what I have to say EVER again! What a fantastic idea. I know, you're a special flower who deserves to be heard; and you must tell me your opinion on whatever rubbed you the wrong way. I get that, I really do. So type your heart out if you must, tell me my faults, tell me what I am doing wrong. Just a warning though, I could really care less what you think of me, random person on the internet. I digress.

I really want to quit smoking. I keep telling myself today is the day, not another puff. But then I give up the moment a craving hits. Like why am I so dependent on these stupid sticks of tobacco. Fucking nicotine.

Welp, I'm gonna go to try to be productive before work. I'm thinking about applying for a second job.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Perfection.

I miss my hip bones. I miss having a concave stomach. 

I repierced my belly button for some motivation. It will look cute once I get into shape. Thank god it's still chilly where I live. I am not ready to give up sweatshirts and leggings. 

I am not ready for short season. Not even because of my weight. Now my legs are adorned with scars on both my calves. My hips aren't too bad but they are there. And I'm sure in the bright sunlight they will be hard to miss. My ex boyfriend was very bothered about the scars. I personally do not mind them. My parents were disgusted by them. Their youngest child slicing open her own skin. I still crave it. I've been clean for a while though. I know I have the option to. I just tell myself, I'll do it later. And keep putting it off. For now, it is working. 

My mother has been a non stop nuisance . I love her, she is my mom after all and I have put her through a lot. But please stop hovering over me and asking me questions non stop. It is so annoying. Even my brother and sister are at their wits end. 

This is the end of my ramblings for today 

Love,

~Riki Ana 

Slow races, fake finish lines.

Her fingers reach out so tentatively. Almost like she's afraid of being struck. She begins to speak but it is so low you must lean in close to hear it. Then she grabs you. Screaming the things you wished you never would hear again. Stop it! Stop it! You scream. She cradles your face while rubbing her thumb over your cheek. She looks at you full of malice and glee. You belong to me. No matter where you go, or what you do. You are mine. I will wait for that first crack to appear and pound at it until it all comes crashing down. Her voice becomes sickly sweet. Then I will leave you to rebuild. You will think you have won. A laugh bubbles out from her cherry red lips. But you thought wrong.   

Love,

Riki Ana 

Tick tock

Long time no posts. Hello my beauties. I know I am probably speaking to an empty room, most of you are probably no longer active. But I'm back and ready to dive deeper than ever before.

Two years is a long time. Let me catch you up.

I have since read through my blog and let me just say thank god I've grown up a little. I'm 18 now,. I was hospitalized back in January for depression, anxiety , suicudial thoughts and  self harm.  I'm doing okay now. I withdrew from college and now I'm just working part time. I'm still a fuck up, just an older fuck up.

I just want to be able to look at my self and be happy for once. I have Ana whispering at me constantly "if you listened to me more maybe you wouldnt have ended up like this you weak piece of shit. Come back to me and I'll make you perfect. I promise."
Because of my depression I lost 20 lbs without trying. I have since then gained it back. Let me weigh myself real quick to update you guys .

121 lbs.  It's a night time weight so I won't be too hard on myself.

My goal is still 95 lbs.

I want to be able to handle life. I want to get good grades, I want to grow and bloom into the perfect person that I know is deep inside me.

I need to get my ass into gear and do something with my life.  Right now I'm just a disgusting failure. I have to be very sneaky because my mom watches my intake. I want to cut. I've been clean for about a month. The only time my mind stops racing is after I draw blood.

It feels nice to be back.

Love,
Riki Ana

Well, Duh.

Today was uneventful except that i bought a 4 pack of fruit cups-70 cals per cup, and some white cheddar rice cakes-45 cals a piece.

In the morning I drank a bottle of water then a diet Snapple, another bottle of water, ate a salad at school, then i came home and went to work. My mom decided to surprise me with Wendy's. Oh god, I couldn't resist-chicken nugget and fry kids meal, bc she knows i don't eat a whole order haaha. I ate it but with Ana's voice screaming in my head i snapped a rubber band on my wrist every bite. If I ate, I deserved to be punished.
~*~

In other news, My brother has decided to be an arrogant asshole by continually asking me about our step sister's attempted suicide. Let's get this straight first- he hates her, everything about her, has barely had a full conversation with her. Yet he expects me to violate her trust and tell him everything. Since he wants to become a doctor i understand his interest, but honestly its none of his business. He's not worried about her, he's just curious. I find that fucked up.

He will never be able to understand the want of death.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

he will never understand what it's like to hide in your closet and swallow handfuls of Advil while crying. He will never understand what it was like to go to sleep thinking "here we go, finally i can be happy." He will never understand what it felt like to wake up.
~*~

Well girls and boys, tis bed time.

Starve on, Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle- Plato.

Hello world.

Today just started out as a shitty day and ended like one.

First I trip going up the stairs and slam my fingers into the concrete trying to save my face- hurt like a bitch. Then i walk into my classroom and my water bottle falls off my desk, flips over causing the top to act as a missile directly on to my foot, while wearing flip flops-hurt like a bitch. Got called in to work on my day off- fucking sucked. Had my boss ask me if i was pregnant because i was bloated- fucking sucked.

I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

that fucking hurt the most out of today, the physical pain went away quickly while that question will fucking haunt me.

I'm not that fat....am i? I mean, yeah i haven't been sticking to my diet but I'm no where near pregnant status. oh god, this is gonna mind fuck me forever.
~*~

Dear Riki,

I told you before Riki, Ana never lies, without me you are nothing and will turn into a fat slob. 118 lbs? God what is wrong with you! Okay, i will admit it's a nighttime weight, but that is completely unacceptable.

Is it that hard to keep food out of your fucking mouth? I know this seems harsh, but you need this kick in the ass. I'm done playing around watching you turn the body I once worked so hard on into a piece of shit.

Why don't you look at these beautiful girls who can do what you have failed at...
















You need to realize Riki that you can look like them. All you have to do is listen to me.

Love,
Ana
p.s. I'll be watching you, don't disappoint me.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my little thinspo treat for you guys!

Stay Strong, and Think Thin.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Reconnecting

Before the Ana news,

Going through hearing my stepsister attempt suicide has got me thinking. It's always been the thing stopping me- feeling the way i did when i thought i lost her was heart breaking, and i can't put anyone through that...
~*~

Anyway, today was a pretty normal eating day but i went to go buy bud and ended up taking a nature hike but stupidly i was in flip flops. Even though that was annoying i still had a great time, it was awesome being able to go off a main road into this endless seeming forest un-touched by man. So freeing and amazing.

And I defiantly burned cals going up those trails.

I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Stay Strong and Starve On,
Love,
~Riki Ana

Oh my god.

Tonight my stepsister, who i think of as more of a sister than my actual sister, slit her wrist. Shes at the hospital- still alive thank god.

I'm a mess right now.

Fuck, i'm sorry. :(

Damn my beauties i forgot you guys again. I can make the excuses that i was busy, working a lot, etc etc. But whatever forget the past, enjoy the present so let's begin.

Well I'm currently employed. I'm a cashier at a small grocery store and stand all day-so burning calories constantly yay. School is whatever, and my life is bullshit but let's get to the point you all care about.

I'm currently 113 lbs, over the past 2 weeks of restricting i lost 7 lbs so fuck yes.

Today was a good/bad day. We had a half day at school and i ended up getting suspended half way through hahaa, but whatever. Thanks high school that's a great punishment-thanks for the three day weekend!

Then I went to work where my stepsister visited me, my boss started giving me dirty looks so I told her multiple times "Please leave my boss will yell at me" and she refused to listen saying it wont happen. Like, no bitch if I tell you to leave please fucking leave. So finally he told her to leave and then proceeded to yell at me and i got really fucking pissed and told him i tried to get her to leave multiple times and she wouldn't.

gahhh.

Thank god I have a fresh pack of cigarettes or I would have hit someone.

I have work tomorrow 2-8 then on Sunday 10-7 so blogging will be minimum. I'll try to get on at least once a day from now on my beauties.
~*~

The weather in NJ has been crazy lately. A couple days ago was 70 and today was 50, please make up your mind. But with spring coming, I have come to the realization that bikini season is also approaching. FUCK. I'm going to upload some current photos in the next few days so you can see my progress.

I WILL BE 95 LBS BY THE TIME SCHOOL LET'S OUT.
Please Ana, help me restrict and fast so that my body will fade into nothingness and every girl will be green with envy when I walk past them in my itsy bitsy bikini showing my prominent hip bones and defined ribs. Ana give me strength.

~*~

In other news, my depression is still very high. Especially at night- I don't know if it's the darkness or something but I get so suicidal and unhappy. God, it's horrible.

Just remembered something important- Last week i had a pregnancy scare, and oh god, was i scared. My boyfriend, on and off for a year, had a nasty break-up. I was horrified that I would be stuck with his child to constantly remind me of him and the broken heart he left me. Oh and another present that asshole left me with is HPV. yeah, i know.

The thing no one understands is that he was/always will be my first love. The love i gave him was the purest, truest form. I gave him everything I could, my virginity, my heart, my money, my past, my future, and he threw it all away for a whore.

Live and learn, i guess?

.....ugh
~*~

well, that's all i feel like saying right now.
I'll divulge more later.
I love you, my beauties, my friends, my family.
Love,
~Riki Ana

May Ana give you strength.

Once you feel weak and dizzy your almost there.

SO much shit has happened its crazy. My beautiful blog has been forgotten, i must change that. but first let me tell you all about whats been happening in the shit storm called my life.
~*~
First, I've been a veryyyyy verry bad girl lately. Santa will be giving me a ginormous lump of coal for Christmas. I did some very bad, illegal things that of which i will not go into detail, bc i didn't get caught. so hell yeah on that part, but sad face bc my entire family found out what i did. Which caused me to attempt suicide. I sat in my closet and swallowed two handfuls of Advil. Then i went to bed. You think that would have done the job but i woke up, so i guess that's good. My depression has hit a new high lately. i barely want to pull myself out of bed and when i do it's for school and to get high, weed and spice are my life. i love spice, i trip balls but i know it's stupid for me to do. Imma try to do better......

Next, I'm forced to see a psychologist. Why, might you ask? Well, i decided to call out of work (i got fired bc of it) and go clubbing at a teen club, most annoying part? it wasn't open that night gayyy. i already knew i was in a lot of trouble so i told my parents, no I'm not coming home tonight. See you in the morning and hung up. Let's just say it didn't fly well. I was reported missing to the cops and they recommended i see this doctor. Which is why I'm there.

I hate him, hes an old fat man trying to understand a 16 year old girl rebelling against everyone. I find the fact the can't prescribe me drugs very annoying to me. Obviously I'm fucked in the head. I mean anyone who talks to me for more than an hour realizes it.

Now, don't you all go thinking I've become this crazy lunatic, bc i haven't I'm the same old Riki....somewhere.

My Ana habits were forgotten in this new found life. But now since I've gotten away with it all, I'm retiring my bad habits....well except getting high. But every other illegal thing I've done is in the past.

I'm sitting here eating my Halloween candy looking at blogs and thinspo wondering where my perfect body, my perfect grades...ish, and my perfect life went. Everything was fine back when Ana was my best friend, but i dumped her for drugs and mistakes.

It's time again for me to return. I'm hopeing it will actually stick this time. And i know readers, why trust me? Every blog post, about one a month is repeating the same old lines, but i don't know. This time feels different.

Maybe it's because i can hurt myself, and others. Maybe because I'm sick of being trapped by this body that isn't perfect.

But I'm back. And this time I'm fucking ready. :)
~*~

Tomorrow will be very little food. I won't count too harshly so my return will be a descent instead of a yo-yo drop.

My Halloween candy is calling my name.
Do i have enough strength to turn down its siren song?
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Pictures!

Well, here are some pics of me and my current body.


Stomach not bad, but thighs deff need some work. And those are the jeans i want to fit into. I can't button them :(

And please try not to notice how horrifically dirty my room is ahah :)
~*~

Today i am fasting, which is prolly stupid because i stayed home sick. Well, let's hope i get better even though my body will be wasting away. ;)

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Change

Ian is out of the picture. I'm back together with my original boyfriend that i lost my virginity too.
yay. i care about him more than i care about anyone else, even myself. i know that's not safe or good but its reality.

My wieght went down to 105 but now i've yo-yoed back up to 117.

FUCK.

I have to stop yo-yoing. I'm not oprah i can't be doing that.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Special K

Tomorrow ill do my special K diet which will be me eating a cup of special K through the course of the day. :D

I hung out with my guy friend Ian, and we smoked an L and i went and babysat, I'm a great person i know. It was a lot of fun. Ian even kissed me. Yay.

My weight 115.

Unacceptable for school. Goal weight- 105.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Crazy

Yesterday was possibly the worst night of my life.

Let me explain, i went out with my stepsister and we got drunk with a hot guy and his grenade friend. I took the grenade-she owes me. After getting completely shitfaced, i had to go home. i got dropped off down the street and realized i didn't have shoes. I said fuck it and went home anyway.

I was a shit show.

My mom knew immediately and began to fight with me. Then it happened.

I went completely insane. As you all know, i have occasional mental breakdowns. Well, this was the craziest so far. I was bat shit insane. I was on verge of killing myself, something i look down on. I was so completely hopeless and so ready to die i was just figuring out how to do it.

I was so upset and crazy, I'm not even in trouble for coming home drunk.

This episode makes me think i need medication. but i refuse to go to a psychiatrist, i cannot talk to strangers, or anyone else for that matter, about my problems.

I was discussing it with my very close friend and she understood and helped me. The reason i have these breakdowns if bc i repress my emotions. If something bad happens- BAM ill push it to the back of my mind.

Everything i hated about myself came flowing out in a river of depression. I was just yelling at one point- i want to die, just let me die. I hate everything about myself, i hate life. Just let me be at peace.

I was so bad last night i was texting my friends and family good bye. I had every intention of killing myself-The only thing that stopped me? I passed out.

Holy shit.

Love,
~Riki Ana

TIme for a change.

Well, i barely got in trouble for the alcohol thing. Fuck yes.

This morning i ate a pizza for one, puked it up, and that's my meal for the day.

I plan on going to target later with my firend and getting a shit ton of makeup and stuff for back to school. :)

Wow, this post sucks.

Love,
~Riki Ana <3

Depression Hits

It's crazy how much of a fuckup i am. My friends mom found out i sold her daughter booze and now told my mom. I'm going to be in so much trouble. My phones being disconnected and im going to get screamed at. But i swear to god if my mom lays one hand on me i'll beat the shit out of her. I'm not kidding either.

Im so sad right now. Im such a fuckup its crazy.

~
~
~ and the suicidal thoughts begin to hit.

Oh god. I'm even more fucked up than i thought.
I just wanna get hurt. Not enough to die, but enough to make everyone feel bad for me.

The body begins to die after three days without liquid.
^Just a thought.

I'm slowly realizing, im fucked up in the head. I literally thought about jumping in front of cars just so i won't get into trouble.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Also everything is trippy as shit, and i don't know why.

I think i'm fucked up in the head. I called the suicide hot line, again idk, but first they had me on hold for 15 minutes. then i hung up. Then i called back and my phone refused to dial it.

Hmm, perhaps a sign?

Well, tonight if i don't get completely fucked in trouble.... i don't even know.

I just want to run away, or die. I don't even know anymore. I'm just so unhappy. I don't even know why.

This house makes me depressed. That's why I'm never home... also bc my family hates me.

I just want to slip out of conscience for a while is that so much to ask for?

And this is why i like drugs. Too bad they cost money.
I tried coke the other night.

To anyone looking to try it, don't. everyone says coke is this awesome drug. ITS NOT. it sucks. i didnt feel anything except for awake. Wow, the same thing as drinking a red bull. awesome.

All i want is some weed, so i can zone out and fall asleep

is that too much to ask for?

I hate myself.

Love,
~Riki Ana.

p.s. If someone told me this i would give them so much advice and shit. But i feel i dont derseve it.

how fucked up is that?

All my work ruined in a meal.

So today i felt really skinny when i woke up, and decided to weigh myself.
113.5
I LOST 6.5 LBS YAYYY!

so i didn't eat all day in anticipation of a welcome back family dinner i had to go to tonight.
holy shit i ate a lot.

Tomorrow nothing shall pass through these lips.

I probably gained back at least 3 or 4 lbs.
FUCK.

I will be 100 or less by the start of school.
The sad truth?

i don't care how bad it will be losing these 13.5 lbs

I cannot wait to walk into the hallways wearing my new *crossing my fingers* size 1 jeans. (right now I'm a 3) I'll wear a breezy top that flutters and shows my defined hipbones and concave stomach.

I want people to whisper about how skinny I've gotten behind my back.

I will make it happen.

I will make other girls jealous. Fuck everyone who doubts me. It will be nothing be coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Because that's what pretty girls are made of.

~*~

My bi friend from last post wants to kill herself now. I talked to her on the phone for 2 hours listening to her cry.
Her mom told her she would rather her be dead than gay.

If she kills herself, I'll punch her mom in the face. I swear to god.

Love,
~Riki Ana

p.s. Stay Strong beauties. I;m always up for new texting buddies! xoxoxo

You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul.

My friend called me in tears today. Her mom found out she was bisexual bc of a hickey on her girlfriend's neck who was sleeping over. Her mom fucking flipped. My friend's family won't even talk to her. And now her girl, who lives two hours away, has no where to sleep tonight, bc her mom can't pick her up till the morning. What the fuck.

I'm not the type of person to sit and watch someone in trouble. So i told my mom exactly what happened and i asked if the girlfriend could sleep here tonight bc she has no where else to go. My mom said "let the lesbian's mom pick her up, it's not my problem."

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I'm sitting there crying, begging her not to leave the fucking girl on the street tonight and you say no.

You're a parent. How would you feel if i had no where to go and no one would take me in?

I lost all respect for you mother.

Then i told her i wouldn't care if my daughter was les or bi, so she calls me fucked up?

WOW.

well, there goes the last shred of respect i had for you.
~*~

And....i just got a picture of a dick sent to me. Just fucking awesome.

I hate everyone right now.

Love,
~Riki Ana

2nd post of the day

This song is litterally written about me, it describes me perfectly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_oMD6-6q5Y

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop

Guess what? I'm not a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

My life, exactly.

I think i have some sort of mental problem. Like I repress a lot of shit, that's how i can describe it. If something bothers me i ignore it, which causes me to have random breakdowns every once in a while. Where i just cry all day, thinking about what a horriable person i am. The last one was just after school ended...

I can feel another one coming.

I just bottle everything up,
untill
i
explode.

And i just know i am, and im scared.

I don't know if i can mentally handle another breakdown.

We will see.
~*~
My last breakdown, i cried to my sister. I told her how much i hated myself, and everything. Obviously leaving out a lot of shit.
She's always asking me if im going to change and go back to be person i was. The kind, loving child i once was.

Being 100 % truthful, i can't go back. It's not because i don't want to. It's because i don't even remember who that person is. I have a bitchy hard shell with a liquid inside of depressed, guilty, angry goop.

Sometimes i hate myself, and i wanna change. But there's no going back, and i can't be the happy person i once was. I have fucked myself over to the point where i think i need professional help.

Maybe Ana can be my therapist for now.

Stay Strong girls, maybe one day everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.

maybe everything will get better.

maybe...

how much hope can i have in a maybe?

Love,
~Riki Ana