Family Love

My mother is home on vacation this week. Which basically means its gonna be hell for anyone unlucky enough to be home. I don't know why she always feels the need to start fights with everyone. She never has a nice thing to say about anyone. Just stop being so cold hearted and full of hate. It is so poisonous.

My friend, lets call him SF, and I are getting more comfortable hooking up. I am so excited. I have been waiting 3 years for him to finally want me. This current situation is just fun and games, the real shit has not been acknowledged yet. I hope, for once, this turns out the way I want it too. But there is a voice in the back of my mind whispering 'Be careful what you wish for.'

Oh and I was reading the comments from a while back, and I noticed some hate. Okay everyone, get ready for this. If you have any problem with who I am, what I say, what I do, who I do, what I eat, how much/how little I eat, etc etc etc You can click that red X at the top of the screen and you will never have to see what I have to say EVER again! What a fantastic idea. I know, you're a special flower who deserves to be heard; and you must tell me your opinion on whatever rubbed you the wrong way. I get that, I really do. So type your heart out if you must, tell me my faults, tell me what I am doing wrong. Just a warning though, I could really care less what you think of me, random person on the internet. I digress.

I really want to quit smoking. I keep telling myself today is the day, not another puff. But then I give up the moment a craving hits. Like why am I so dependent on these stupid sticks of tobacco. Fucking nicotine.

Welp, I'm gonna go to try to be productive before work. I'm thinking about applying for a second job.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Perfection.

I miss my hip bones. I miss having a concave stomach. 

I repierced my belly button for some motivation. It will look cute once I get into shape. Thank god it's still chilly where I live. I am not ready to give up sweatshirts and leggings. 

I am not ready for short season. Not even because of my weight. Now my legs are adorned with scars on both my calves. My hips aren't too bad but they are there. And I'm sure in the bright sunlight they will be hard to miss. My ex boyfriend was very bothered about the scars. I personally do not mind them. My parents were disgusted by them. Their youngest child slicing open her own skin. I still crave it. I've been clean for a while though. I know I have the option to. I just tell myself, I'll do it later. And keep putting it off. For now, it is working. 

My mother has been a non stop nuisance . I love her, she is my mom after all and I have put her through a lot. But please stop hovering over me and asking me questions non stop. It is so annoying. Even my brother and sister are at their wits end. 

This is the end of my ramblings for today 

Love,

~Riki Ana 

Slow races, fake finish lines.

Her fingers reach out so tentatively. Almost like she's afraid of being struck. She begins to speak but it is so low you must lean in close to hear it. Then she grabs you. Screaming the things you wished you never would hear again. Stop it! Stop it! You scream. She cradles your face while rubbing her thumb over your cheek. She looks at you full of malice and glee. You belong to me. No matter where you go, or what you do. You are mine. I will wait for that first crack to appear and pound at it until it all comes crashing down. Her voice becomes sickly sweet. Then I will leave you to rebuild. You will think you have won. A laugh bubbles out from her cherry red lips. But you thought wrong.   

Love,

Riki Ana 

Tick tock

Long time no posts. Hello my beauties. I know I am probably speaking to an empty room, most of you are probably no longer active. But I'm back and ready to dive deeper than ever before.

Two years is a long time. Let me catch you up.

I have since read through my blog and let me just say thank god I've grown up a little. I'm 18 now,. I was hospitalized back in January for depression, anxiety , suicudial thoughts and  self harm.  I'm doing okay now. I withdrew from college and now I'm just working part time. I'm still a fuck up, just an older fuck up.

I just want to be able to look at my self and be happy for once. I have Ana whispering at me constantly "if you listened to me more maybe you wouldnt have ended up like this you weak piece of shit. Come back to me and I'll make you perfect. I promise."
Because of my depression I lost 20 lbs without trying. I have since then gained it back. Let me weigh myself real quick to update you guys .

121 lbs.  It's a night time weight so I won't be too hard on myself.

My goal is still 95 lbs.

I want to be able to handle life. I want to get good grades, I want to grow and bloom into the perfect person that I know is deep inside me.

I need to get my ass into gear and do something with my life.  Right now I'm just a disgusting failure. I have to be very sneaky because my mom watches my intake. I want to cut. I've been clean for about a month. The only time my mind stops racing is after I draw blood.

It feels nice to be back.

Love,
Riki Ana

Well, Duh.

Today was uneventful except that i bought a 4 pack of fruit cups-70 cals per cup, and some white cheddar rice cakes-45 cals a piece.

In the morning I drank a bottle of water then a diet Snapple, another bottle of water, ate a salad at school, then i came home and went to work. My mom decided to surprise me with Wendy's. Oh god, I couldn't resist-chicken nugget and fry kids meal, bc she knows i don't eat a whole order haaha. I ate it but with Ana's voice screaming in my head i snapped a rubber band on my wrist every bite. If I ate, I deserved to be punished.
~*~

In other news, My brother has decided to be an arrogant asshole by continually asking me about our step sister's attempted suicide. Let's get this straight first- he hates her, everything about her, has barely had a full conversation with her. Yet he expects me to violate her trust and tell him everything. Since he wants to become a doctor i understand his interest, but honestly its none of his business. He's not worried about her, he's just curious. I find that fucked up.

He will never be able to understand the want of death.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

he will never understand what it's like to hide in your closet and swallow handfuls of Advil while crying. He will never understand what it was like to go to sleep thinking "here we go, finally i can be happy." He will never understand what it felt like to wake up.
~*~

Well girls and boys, tis bed time.

Starve on, Think Thin
Love,
~Riki Ana

P.s. Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle- Plato.

Hello world.

Today just started out as a shitty day and ended like one.

First I trip going up the stairs and slam my fingers into the concrete trying to save my face- hurt like a bitch. Then i walk into my classroom and my water bottle falls off my desk, flips over causing the top to act as a missile directly on to my foot, while wearing flip flops-hurt like a bitch. Got called in to work on my day off- fucking sucked. Had my boss ask me if i was pregnant because i was bloated- fucking sucked.

I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

that fucking hurt the most out of today, the physical pain went away quickly while that question will fucking haunt me.

I'm not that fat....am i? I mean, yeah i haven't been sticking to my diet but I'm no where near pregnant status. oh god, this is gonna mind fuck me forever.
~*~

Dear Riki,

I told you before Riki, Ana never lies, without me you are nothing and will turn into a fat slob. 118 lbs? God what is wrong with you! Okay, i will admit it's a nighttime weight, but that is completely unacceptable.

Is it that hard to keep food out of your fucking mouth? I know this seems harsh, but you need this kick in the ass. I'm done playing around watching you turn the body I once worked so hard on into a piece of shit.

Why don't you look at these beautiful girls who can do what you have failed at...
















You need to realize Riki that you can look like them. All you have to do is listen to me.

Love,
Ana
p.s. I'll be watching you, don't disappoint me.
~*~

I hope you enjoyed my little thinspo treat for you guys!

Stay Strong, and Think Thin.
Love,
~Riki Ana

Reconnecting

Before the Ana news,

Going through hearing my stepsister attempt suicide has got me thinking. It's always been the thing stopping me- feeling the way i did when i thought i lost her was heart breaking, and i can't put anyone through that...
~*~

Anyway, today was a pretty normal eating day but i went to go buy bud and ended up taking a nature hike but stupidly i was in flip flops. Even though that was annoying i still had a great time, it was awesome being able to go off a main road into this endless seeming forest un-touched by man. So freeing and amazing.

And I defiantly burned cals going up those trails.

I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Stay Strong and Starve On,
Love,
~Riki Ana