Oh my god.

Tonight my stepsister, who i think of as more of a sister than my actual sister, slit her wrist. Shes at the hospital- still alive thank god.

I'm a mess right now.

Fuck, i'm sorry. :(

Damn my beauties i forgot you guys again. I can make the excuses that i was busy, working a lot, etc etc. But whatever forget the past, enjoy the present so let's begin.

Well I'm currently employed. I'm a cashier at a small grocery store and stand all day-so burning calories constantly yay. School is whatever, and my life is bullshit but let's get to the point you all care about.

I'm currently 113 lbs, over the past 2 weeks of restricting i lost 7 lbs so fuck yes.

Today was a good/bad day. We had a half day at school and i ended up getting suspended half way through hahaa, but whatever. Thanks high school that's a great punishment-thanks for the three day weekend!

Then I went to work where my stepsister visited me, my boss started giving me dirty looks so I told her multiple times "Please leave my boss will yell at me" and she refused to listen saying it wont happen. Like, no bitch if I tell you to leave please fucking leave. So finally he told her to leave and then proceeded to yell at me and i got really fucking pissed and told him i tried to get her to leave multiple times and she wouldn't.

gahhh.

Thank god I have a fresh pack of cigarettes or I would have hit someone.

I have work tomorrow 2-8 then on Sunday 10-7 so blogging will be minimum. I'll try to get on at least once a day from now on my beauties.
~*~

The weather in NJ has been crazy lately. A couple days ago was 70 and today was 50, please make up your mind. But with spring coming, I have come to the realization that bikini season is also approaching. FUCK. I'm going to upload some current photos in the next few days so you can see my progress.

I WILL BE 95 LBS BY THE TIME SCHOOL LET'S OUT.
Please Ana, help me restrict and fast so that my body will fade into nothingness and every girl will be green with envy when I walk past them in my itsy bitsy bikini showing my prominent hip bones and defined ribs. Ana give me strength.

~*~

In other news, my depression is still very high. Especially at night- I don't know if it's the darkness or something but I get so suicidal and unhappy. God, it's horrible.

Just remembered something important- Last week i had a pregnancy scare, and oh god, was i scared. My boyfriend, on and off for a year, had a nasty break-up. I was horrified that I would be stuck with his child to constantly remind me of him and the broken heart he left me. Oh and another present that asshole left me with is HPV. yeah, i know.

The thing no one understands is that he was/always will be my first love. The love i gave him was the purest, truest form. I gave him everything I could, my virginity, my heart, my money, my past, my future, and he threw it all away for a whore.

Live and learn, i guess?

.....ugh
~*~

well, that's all i feel like saying right now.
I'll divulge more later.
I love you, my beauties, my friends, my family.
Love,
~Riki Ana

May Ana give you strength.

Once you feel weak and dizzy your almost there.

SO much shit has happened its crazy. My beautiful blog has been forgotten, i must change that. but first let me tell you all about whats been happening in the shit storm called my life.
~*~
First, I've been a veryyyyy verry bad girl lately. Santa will be giving me a ginormous lump of coal for Christmas. I did some very bad, illegal things that of which i will not go into detail, bc i didn't get caught. so hell yeah on that part, but sad face bc my entire family found out what i did. Which caused me to attempt suicide. I sat in my closet and swallowed two handfuls of Advil. Then i went to bed. You think that would have done the job but i woke up, so i guess that's good. My depression has hit a new high lately. i barely want to pull myself out of bed and when i do it's for school and to get high, weed and spice are my life. i love spice, i trip balls but i know it's stupid for me to do. Imma try to do better......

Next, I'm forced to see a psychologist. Why, might you ask? Well, i decided to call out of work (i got fired bc of it) and go clubbing at a teen club, most annoying part? it wasn't open that night gayyy. i already knew i was in a lot of trouble so i told my parents, no I'm not coming home tonight. See you in the morning and hung up. Let's just say it didn't fly well. I was reported missing to the cops and they recommended i see this doctor. Which is why I'm there.

I hate him, hes an old fat man trying to understand a 16 year old girl rebelling against everyone. I find the fact the can't prescribe me drugs very annoying to me. Obviously I'm fucked in the head. I mean anyone who talks to me for more than an hour realizes it.

Now, don't you all go thinking I've become this crazy lunatic, bc i haven't I'm the same old Riki....somewhere.

My Ana habits were forgotten in this new found life. But now since I've gotten away with it all, I'm retiring my bad habits....well except getting high. But every other illegal thing I've done is in the past.

I'm sitting here eating my Halloween candy looking at blogs and thinspo wondering where my perfect body, my perfect grades...ish, and my perfect life went. Everything was fine back when Ana was my best friend, but i dumped her for drugs and mistakes.

It's time again for me to return. I'm hopeing it will actually stick this time. And i know readers, why trust me? Every blog post, about one a month is repeating the same old lines, but i don't know. This time feels different.

Maybe it's because i can hurt myself, and others. Maybe because I'm sick of being trapped by this body that isn't perfect.

But I'm back. And this time I'm fucking ready. :)
~*~

Tomorrow will be very little food. I won't count too harshly so my return will be a descent instead of a yo-yo drop.

My Halloween candy is calling my name.
Do i have enough strength to turn down its siren song?
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength,
Ana give me strength.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Pictures!

Well, here are some pics of me and my current body.


Stomach not bad, but thighs deff need some work. And those are the jeans i want to fit into. I can't button them :(

And please try not to notice how horrifically dirty my room is ahah :)
~*~

Today i am fasting, which is prolly stupid because i stayed home sick. Well, let's hope i get better even though my body will be wasting away. ;)

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Change

Ian is out of the picture. I'm back together with my original boyfriend that i lost my virginity too.
yay. i care about him more than i care about anyone else, even myself. i know that's not safe or good but its reality.

My wieght went down to 105 but now i've yo-yoed back up to 117.

FUCK.

I have to stop yo-yoing. I'm not oprah i can't be doing that.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Special K

Tomorrow ill do my special K diet which will be me eating a cup of special K through the course of the day. :D

I hung out with my guy friend Ian, and we smoked an L and i went and babysat, I'm a great person i know. It was a lot of fun. Ian even kissed me. Yay.

My weight 115.

Unacceptable for school. Goal weight- 105.

Love,
~Riki Ana