Pictures!

Well, here are some pics of me and my current body.


Stomach not bad, but thighs deff need some work. And those are the jeans i want to fit into. I can't button them :(

And please try not to notice how horrifically dirty my room is ahah :)
~*~

Today i am fasting, which is prolly stupid because i stayed home sick. Well, let's hope i get better even though my body will be wasting away. ;)

Love,
~Riki Ana

saddness caused by denim

Well me and my original boyfriend had a nasty, horrible breakup. He left me for his "true love" that he was even in love with while we went out. Fuckin asshole.
~*~
But in better news i got a whole bunch of new clothes! well, not exactly new my stepsister gave me them, but hey one man's trash is another man's treasure.

She looks larger than me, but she weighs 109. HOW FUCKING ANNOYING. i can't stand that shes skinner than me. Like no, your meant to look bigger....wow I'm such a bitch.

She gave me a couple pairs of jeans that fit, and 2 pairs that are about a size too small for me. I can't button the button.

SO, i think it's time for a fast soon. I need to fit in those jeans.
~*~

In other news, i really don't want to go to school tomorrow, i have a cold and don't want to have to sit in class angrily hating the world. Maybe ill make myself puke so i don't have to go.

Also i've been super depressed lately. The only times i'm happy are when I'm high, but i don't smoke weed anymore, i smoke spice/k2. And it makes me trip balls, its so intense i forget my life....the saddest part? i love it. I love forgetting it all.
Other time i'm happy? when i take a couple xanax. Don't worry thier not the crazy intense ones. But i seriously think i should be on them by a doctor. If i take one in the morning, im happy, can focus, and dont hate everyone. wierd. i only have 2 pills left though, and i wont have anymore for at least another couple months which sucks.
I have the occasional happy moment in life without drugs too, thinkin about my life, isn't sad that my happiest was freshman year when i was starving my self daily?
~*~

I also got a job. It is the worst job on the planet. I still havent gotten paid and ive worked there for 4 weeks now, im a busgirl at a VERY expensive resturant. My boos said this excat quote "don't depend on this job for money."

WHAT THE FUCK? DO YOU THINK I BUS TABLES FOR FUN? ITS NOT A FUCKIN HOBBIE!

im going to quit soon.

Well, i'll update s0on.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Change

Ian is out of the picture. I'm back together with my original boyfriend that i lost my virginity too.
yay. i care about him more than i care about anyone else, even myself. i know that's not safe or good but its reality.

My wieght went down to 105 but now i've yo-yoed back up to 117.

FUCK.

I have to stop yo-yoing. I'm not oprah i can't be doing that.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Special K

Tomorrow ill do my special K diet which will be me eating a cup of special K through the course of the day. :D

I hung out with my guy friend Ian, and we smoked an L and i went and babysat, I'm a great person i know. It was a lot of fun. Ian even kissed me. Yay.

My weight 115.

Unacceptable for school. Goal weight- 105.

Love,
~Riki Ana

Crazy

Yesterday was possibly the worst night of my life.

Let me explain, i went out with my stepsister and we got drunk with a hot guy and his grenade friend. I took the grenade-she owes me. After getting completely shitfaced, i had to go home. i got dropped off down the street and realized i didn't have shoes. I said fuck it and went home anyway.

I was a shit show.

My mom knew immediately and began to fight with me. Then it happened.

I went completely insane. As you all know, i have occasional mental breakdowns. Well, this was the craziest so far. I was bat shit insane. I was on verge of killing myself, something i look down on. I was so completely hopeless and so ready to die i was just figuring out how to do it.

I was so upset and crazy, I'm not even in trouble for coming home drunk.

This episode makes me think i need medication. but i refuse to go to a psychiatrist, i cannot talk to strangers, or anyone else for that matter, about my problems.

I was discussing it with my very close friend and she understood and helped me. The reason i have these breakdowns if bc i repress my emotions. If something bad happens- BAM ill push it to the back of my mind.

Everything i hated about myself came flowing out in a river of depression. I was just yelling at one point- i want to die, just let me die. I hate everything about myself, i hate life. Just let me be at peace.

I was so bad last night i was texting my friends and family good bye. I had every intention of killing myself-The only thing that stopped me? I passed out.

Holy shit.

Love,
~Riki Ana

TIme for a change.

Well, i barely got in trouble for the alcohol thing. Fuck yes.

This morning i ate a pizza for one, puked it up, and that's my meal for the day.

I plan on going to target later with my firend and getting a shit ton of makeup and stuff for back to school. :)

Wow, this post sucks.

Love,
~Riki Ana <3

Depression Hits

It's crazy how much of a fuckup i am. My friends mom found out i sold her daughter booze and now told my mom. I'm going to be in so much trouble. My phones being disconnected and im going to get screamed at. But i swear to god if my mom lays one hand on me i'll beat the shit out of her. I'm not kidding either.

Im so sad right now. Im such a fuckup its crazy.

~
~
~ and the suicidal thoughts begin to hit.

Oh god. I'm even more fucked up than i thought.
I just wanna get hurt. Not enough to die, but enough to make everyone feel bad for me.

The body begins to die after three days without liquid.
^Just a thought.

I'm slowly realizing, im fucked up in the head. I literally thought about jumping in front of cars just so i won't get into trouble.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Also everything is trippy as shit, and i don't know why.

I think i'm fucked up in the head. I called the suicide hot line, again idk, but first they had me on hold for 15 minutes. then i hung up. Then i called back and my phone refused to dial it.

Hmm, perhaps a sign?

Well, tonight if i don't get completely fucked in trouble.... i don't even know.

I just want to run away, or die. I don't even know anymore. I'm just so unhappy. I don't even know why.

This house makes me depressed. That's why I'm never home... also bc my family hates me.

I just want to slip out of conscience for a while is that so much to ask for?

And this is why i like drugs. Too bad they cost money.
I tried coke the other night.

To anyone looking to try it, don't. everyone says coke is this awesome drug. ITS NOT. it sucks. i didnt feel anything except for awake. Wow, the same thing as drinking a red bull. awesome.

All i want is some weed, so i can zone out and fall asleep

is that too much to ask for?

I hate myself.

Love,
~Riki Ana.

p.s. If someone told me this i would give them so much advice and shit. But i feel i dont derseve it.

how fucked up is that?