Hello everyone, I'm feeling much less defeated right now. i didn't do so bad today. I ate a bag of chocolate covered pretzels in self-hate 330 cals then i purged them. Then for dinner i had 210 cals of pasta. and like 250 in drinks alone. even all that including the pretzels (just in case) it's 790. So hopefully 115 or *praying to god* 114.
I think you girls are right. I have to let the past be the past, and instead focus on my future. If i stay strong now and work extra had i can be around 100 by June first. Thank you guys for you inspiring words. <3
~*~
In family news, I'm no longer talking to my brother. I'm sick of his shit. He comes in to the house and starts yelling at me for no reason. My sister left his chair in the middle of his room and he started yelling. Then he broke the chair. What the hell? Control yourself! Then he started yelling at me, so naturally i yelled back. Then he screamed at me to "not raise my voice" So i started yelling more. Then i don't remember if i started it or he did, but i do remember him holding me to the ground me crying to let go, and him yelling at me to say sorry. I said nothing. I started kicking him in the back while trying to get up and he said not to kick him and hit me lightly in the back. I still said nothing. He asked me to apologise. Again i said nothing, so he got up and stalked into his room. Then he went outside.
I brought him the phone to talk to our mother and he asked who it was. I said nothing and handed it to him. He yelled "I'm not talking to them!" and threw the phone. Remember we are outside. It crashed to the ground. Luckily it did not break.
Then a short time later i was inside. i went to go shut the front door since it was wide open. I shut it and apparently my brother was coming up the stairs. I did not see him. He threw the door open and yelled at me "DON'T SHUT THE DOOR IN MY FACE!"
Finally he left to go hang out with his friends. I understand having bad days, but he does shit like this weekly. He should fucking know better. He's 20, I'm 14. I love my brother, i do. But he has to grow up and stop acting like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum.
Though it probably sounds worse typed out, but I'm not going to forgive him. I should but I'm just so fucking sick of this. I get it, our life is hard, but just stop already.
Me and my mom are the only normal people in my family. The 14 year old ED child. And the single mother working 2 jobs.
Doesn't everyone love family life?
~*~
Sorry for springing family drama on you guys. Ugh, i need to get out of this house. I think I'm going to go for a jog.
Love,
~Riki Ana
Saturday, May 15, 2010
100th post
Why yes this is my 100th post, so on that note YAY!
~*~
Today i stood on my scale horrified. This is the first time I've weighed myself in 2 days maybe? I weigh a hippo-size of 116. That is my highest weight. Words cannot describe how i felt when i saw that number. June 1st is in 17 days. That means i would have to lose 6.8 lbs EVERY DAY to get to my goal weight. I just can't do it. I will try, but right now i only have one mood.
Defeated
I love you all, you beautiful girls.
Love,
~Riki Ana
~*~
It's good to be beautiful.
It's good to feel beautiful.
Ana is my life. Ana is my soul.
It is what I choose for me,not what I choose for you.
As I shed my shell and emerge
from my cocoon, I do so
knowing who I am,
and knowing what I do....
~*~
~*~
Today i stood on my scale horrified. This is the first time I've weighed myself in 2 days maybe? I weigh a hippo-size of 116. That is my highest weight. Words cannot describe how i felt when i saw that number. June 1st is in 17 days. That means i would have to lose 6.8 lbs EVERY DAY to get to my goal weight. I just can't do it. I will try, but right now i only have one mood.
Defeated
I love you all, you beautiful girls.
Love,
~Riki Ana
~*~
It's good to be beautiful.
It's good to feel beautiful.
Ana is my life. Ana is my soul.
It is what I choose for me,not what I choose for you.
As I shed my shell and emerge
from my cocoon, I do so
knowing who I am,
and knowing what I do....
~*~
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Slow and Steady wins the race
Down .5 so i'm 113 today. Ehh, i would be happier with more but i did crack and have a bowl of mac and cheese on top of the 700 cals i had. But i didn't feel hungry at all so i say GOOD DAY!
I'm going to try to be Slow and Steady wins the race But in the final week before June 1st, it's going to be HURRY THE FUCK UP TO WIN THE FUCKING RACE!!! haha
Anyway, you guys said yes, so BRING ON THE THINSPO! Woo-hoo YAYAYAYAY!
Love,
~Riki Ana
Stay Gorgeous xx
Saturday, May 8, 2010
No more excuses
It's going to start raining soon :) I LOVE the sky right before it rains. It is BEAUTIFUL.
Whenever i spell beautiful i say in my head B-E-A-U-TI-FUL. hehe.
Anyway my scale weight was NOT what i was expecting. I was expecting 117 or some shit like that.
But i got.....113.5
I know, wow, what the hell happened?
But right now i'm saying, Forgive myself, use this as a learning experience, and do better today.
So far zero cals. It's 9:12 am. Not that big of an accomplishment but so far so good.
~*~
OHHH, remember thinspo girl like 2 posts ago? She could refuse food like the boss. Well, my world history class had a party and there was SO much YUMMY food there. But guess what i ate?
2 servings of salad and a sun-chip. YAY! i felt awesome. Everyone around me was stuffing their face with chicken parm, pasta, bread, and CAKE. But not me! Nope, i refuse. Oh and people were drinking their high calorie soda's i had coke zero. Who ever brought that in THANK YOU!!
I felt AWE-SOME.
~*~
I hope you enjoyed my previous post. It was a little insight into the can of crazy called my mind. :D
Anyway, i'll probably sit home today. I'm aiming for 1oo cals of liquid today.
Maybe thinspo later hmmmmm?
Love you girlies
~Riki Ana
Stay Strong
xoxox
Whenever i spell beautiful i say in my head B-E-A-U-TI-FUL. hehe.
Anyway my scale weight was NOT what i was expecting. I was expecting 117 or some shit like that.
But i got.....113.5
I know, wow, what the hell happened?
But right now i'm saying, Forgive myself, use this as a learning experience, and do better today.
So far zero cals. It's 9:12 am. Not that big of an accomplishment but so far so good.
~*~
OHHH, remember thinspo girl like 2 posts ago? She could refuse food like the boss. Well, my world history class had a party and there was SO much YUMMY food there. But guess what i ate?
2 servings of salad and a sun-chip. YAY! i felt awesome. Everyone around me was stuffing their face with chicken parm, pasta, bread, and CAKE. But not me! Nope, i refuse. Oh and people were drinking their high calorie soda's i had coke zero. Who ever brought that in THANK YOU!!
I felt AWE-SOME.
~*~
I hope you enjoyed my previous post. It was a little insight into the can of crazy called my mind. :D
Anyway, i'll probably sit home today. I'm aiming for 1oo cals of liquid today.
Maybe thinspo later hmmmmm?
Love you girlies
~Riki Ana
Stay Strong
xoxox
Friday, May 7, 2010
This is me.
I know. I'm supposed to be this big strong blogger who you look up to in your time of weakness to show yourself that SHE can do it, so WHY can't you? Well, I'm not.I'm the girl who has many failures with the occasional good day. I'm the girl that stays strong in front of you but cracks the moment no eyes are on her. One of my favorite quotes that describe me is "I'm the type of girl that can be so hurt, but still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own" I feel that is very true for me. When someone wants to tell me something, i shut up and listen. I observe. I'm.....a loner, you could say. I don't have many friends just a couple close ones, who i love dearly. Sure, we fight. The occasional shove or slap. but later that same day we will laugh about the stupid thing we were mad about.
My friends say they look up to me since i have so much confidence, and i'm so strong, and self-willed. Ha. yea that's what you see but it's not who i am. "Don't be so quick to judge me, You only see what i choose to show." Very true. I show exactly what i think you need. Most of the time i mainly act bitchy. It's who i am, well who i show. I'm a very sensitive person, though i wouldn't DARE to show it. My friends have only seen me cry once in the 10yrs i've known them. I got hit in the face with a basketball. Not even emotional tears they saw. I've seen my friends cry too many times to count.
I don't sugar-coat. Even if it's what they want me to do. You want my advice? I give it to you. i don't care if you don't like it, that's the truth. I'm not going to sit there and tell you it's going to be ok if its a lie. I'm not going to give you false hope. I don't believe that's the right thing to do.
The words you say, even if your "joking" cut like a razor into my mind. "Every just kidding, has some part truth."
The only part of my body I like is my back. Don't ask me why, but I think someone's back is the most beautiful part of them.
I know I'm not fat from other people's eyes. But i don't care what your eyes see. the only opinion that matters is your own. And i don't like what i see, so I'm going to change my shape into whatever i like. You don't like the bony figure i want to become. Cool. i don't care, i think it's beautiful, so shut the hell up.
I'm a comma whore, if you haven't noticed. Put them ALL over my posts. Not even on purpose. I think they belong there, so guess what? They are going to be there.
When i grow up i want to become a psychologist. I want to help people through thier problems.
My favorite color is pink.
I'm in love with Three Days Grace.
I'm bicurious. (Though you guys are the first to know)
I will proably never tell anyone that i'm bicurious.
I'm Roman Catholic.
I enjoy Greek Gods/Goddess.
I love reading books especially dark ones. I don't like happy endings unless there is some sort of twist. EXAMPLE: Identical-Ella Hopkins
I feel like happy endings, like the ones in movies and books, aren't realistic.
I do not lie on this blog.
I crumble under pressure.
No matter how long i've known you, you will prolly never see the me i keep hidden inside.
I will do whatever i can do to make you happy.
I love watching movies. Especially horror movies.
I feel like i'm a complex person, trying to be a simple one.
I love my dog, even though he's eaten all of my favorite things.
If i get the chance to have kids, i'm naming my daughter Riki.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in Fate.
I believe in Karma.
I love chocolate ice cream.
I'm a sucker for chicken.
I'll do anything for my brother and sister to make them happy.
I love my mom with all of my heart.
I love my dad, even with what he did to my mom. I will always love him.
I believe in ghosts.
I think there is a heaven.
I wish upon stars.
I hate spiders and any bug for that matter.
I hate running.
I love walking.
I don't think i'm pretty.
I love listening to my ipod.
My favorite thing to do is sit on my bed while reading a good book with my ipod plugged in and looking out the window on a rainy day.
I like feeling pretty during a fast.
I hate feeling any kind of guilt.
I get emotional. Quickly.
I ramble.
I go to bed early.
I tell stories badly.
I wish i would fall in love.
I wish i was loved.
This is me. the abridged portion. I could keep writing for days. This is the person you're reading about. This is who i am, who i want to be. I am ,to you guys, Riki Ana. To others i am a name you don't know. I'm just a person like anyone else on the street.
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
But you guys want to read about me. My life. And for that i am honored.
I'll post updates on my weight tomorrow.
I love you all. Truely.
~Riki Ana
My friends say they look up to me since i have so much confidence, and i'm so strong, and self-willed. Ha. yea that's what you see but it's not who i am. "Don't be so quick to judge me, You only see what i choose to show." Very true. I show exactly what i think you need. Most of the time i mainly act bitchy. It's who i am, well who i show. I'm a very sensitive person, though i wouldn't DARE to show it. My friends have only seen me cry once in the 10yrs i've known them. I got hit in the face with a basketball. Not even emotional tears they saw. I've seen my friends cry too many times to count.
I don't sugar-coat. Even if it's what they want me to do. You want my advice? I give it to you. i don't care if you don't like it, that's the truth. I'm not going to sit there and tell you it's going to be ok if its a lie. I'm not going to give you false hope. I don't believe that's the right thing to do.
The words you say, even if your "joking" cut like a razor into my mind. "Every just kidding, has some part truth."
The only part of my body I like is my back. Don't ask me why, but I think someone's back is the most beautiful part of them.
I know I'm not fat from other people's eyes. But i don't care what your eyes see. the only opinion that matters is your own. And i don't like what i see, so I'm going to change my shape into whatever i like. You don't like the bony figure i want to become. Cool. i don't care, i think it's beautiful, so shut the hell up.
I'm a comma whore, if you haven't noticed. Put them ALL over my posts. Not even on purpose. I think they belong there, so guess what? They are going to be there.
When i grow up i want to become a psychologist. I want to help people through thier problems.
My favorite color is pink.
I'm in love with Three Days Grace.
I'm bicurious. (Though you guys are the first to know)
I will proably never tell anyone that i'm bicurious.
I'm Roman Catholic.
I enjoy Greek Gods/Goddess.
I love reading books especially dark ones. I don't like happy endings unless there is some sort of twist. EXAMPLE: Identical-Ella Hopkins
I feel like happy endings, like the ones in movies and books, aren't realistic.
I do not lie on this blog.
I crumble under pressure.
No matter how long i've known you, you will prolly never see the me i keep hidden inside.
I will do whatever i can do to make you happy.
I love watching movies. Especially horror movies.
I feel like i'm a complex person, trying to be a simple one.
I love my dog, even though he's eaten all of my favorite things.
If i get the chance to have kids, i'm naming my daughter Riki.
I believe in love at first sight.
I believe in Fate.
I believe in Karma.
I love chocolate ice cream.
I'm a sucker for chicken.
I'll do anything for my brother and sister to make them happy.
I love my mom with all of my heart.
I love my dad, even with what he did to my mom. I will always love him.
I believe in ghosts.
I think there is a heaven.
I wish upon stars.
I hate spiders and any bug for that matter.
I hate running.
I love walking.
I don't think i'm pretty.
I love listening to my ipod.
My favorite thing to do is sit on my bed while reading a good book with my ipod plugged in and looking out the window on a rainy day.
I like feeling pretty during a fast.
I hate feeling any kind of guilt.
I get emotional. Quickly.
I ramble.
I go to bed early.
I tell stories badly.
I wish i would fall in love.
I wish i was loved.
This is me. the abridged portion. I could keep writing for days. This is the person you're reading about. This is who i am, who i want to be. I am ,to you guys, Riki Ana. To others i am a name you don't know. I'm just a person like anyone else on the street.
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
But you guys want to read about me. My life. And for that i am honored.
I'll post updates on my weight tomorrow.
I love you all. Truely.
~Riki Ana
Sunday, May 2, 2010
30 days
Day 1 of fast-Completed
YAY! I feel completely empty right now. It's 7:40 am my mom is now asking what i want for breakfast. "Mom, i just woke up, I'm not hungry right now maybe later" "Do you want Dunkin Donuts?" "Sure"
Not that i plan on eating them. My mind set is FAST-NO FOOD.
Yesterday wasn't hard surprisingly. I had a weak moment earlier on in the day and i was going to eat but then i saw some Coke zero and went to town on that. I drank 2 liters worth yesterday. Yikes. Today i plan on having one glass all day.
Oh yea, I was heating up some lasagna for my bro and when it came out it didn't seem hot enough so i put my finger on it to test it. It was hot, then i had some lasagna crap on my finger so went to put it in my mouth and it touched the tip of my tongue; then i realized what i was doing. I immediately spat the trace of food out, rinsed with water a couple times, and then another couple times. So i think I'm safe.
I'm not really feeling any hunger pains this morning. Just empty, sort of hollow. :D
~*~
My weight as of this morning weigh-in is 110.5
YAY.
Today's fast should bring me down to 107.5
hopefully
~*~
Today all i have to do is go to church. Then i spending the rest of the day here. I could go out but, i love staying home and relaxing. I'm going to see Nightmare on Elm Street on Tuesday though so I'm excited for that. I <3 Freddy, too bad it's a new guy instead of Robert :( Let's hope he's just as good.
Anyway that's all for now.
Ana luv to you
Love,
~Riki Ana
Starve on
YAY! I feel completely empty right now. It's 7:40 am my mom is now asking what i want for breakfast. "Mom, i just woke up, I'm not hungry right now maybe later" "Do you want Dunkin Donuts?" "Sure"
Not that i plan on eating them. My mind set is FAST-NO FOOD.
Yesterday wasn't hard surprisingly. I had a weak moment earlier on in the day and i was going to eat but then i saw some Coke zero and went to town on that. I drank 2 liters worth yesterday. Yikes. Today i plan on having one glass all day.
Oh yea, I was heating up some lasagna for my bro and when it came out it didn't seem hot enough so i put my finger on it to test it. It was hot, then i had some lasagna crap on my finger so went to put it in my mouth and it touched the tip of my tongue; then i realized what i was doing. I immediately spat the trace of food out, rinsed with water a couple times, and then another couple times. So i think I'm safe.
I'm not really feeling any hunger pains this morning. Just empty, sort of hollow. :D
~*~
My weight as of this morning weigh-in is 110.5
YAY.
Today's fast should bring me down to 107.5
hopefully
~*~
Today all i have to do is go to church. Then i spending the rest of the day here. I could go out but, i love staying home and relaxing. I'm going to see Nightmare on Elm Street on Tuesday though so I'm excited for that. I <3 Freddy, too bad it's a new guy instead of Robert :( Let's hope he's just as good.
Anyway that's all for now.
Ana luv to you
Love,
~Riki Ana
Starve on
Saturday, May 1, 2010
31 days
HOLY FUCK.
June 1st is 1 month away.
Today in honor of May 1st and being only 31 days until June 1st (*AKA* goal weight day) I am fasting. I don't really plan to stop. I really want to get past day 3 then just go as long as possible. then eat fruit for a couple days and fast again.
After day 3 of fasting your body no longer feels hunger. Anything you feel is supposed to be subconsciously. hmmm. I'll see about that.
I heard that popping pebto-bismal tablets and tums are supposed to cut down on the acid in your stomach which builds up when you don't eat which creates hunger. So no acid=no hunger?
Seems sketchy.
~*~
Anyway, this summer is going to be a constant spotlight on my body. My friend is having her Cinsinarea (SP) it's like a Spanish sweet 15.
So i have to wear a dress.
Then of course, the dreaded swimsuits.
O_o
~*~
Oh yea. I've been eating these things that are really good. Dole Mandarin oranges in those little containers. 80 cals a piece. YUM
Anyway that's all for now.
LOVE,
~Riki Ana
p.s. my bro has a new nick name for me. Squishy belly. Thanks bro. -_-
June 1st is 1 month away.
Today in honor of May 1st and being only 31 days until June 1st (*AKA* goal weight day) I am fasting. I don't really plan to stop. I really want to get past day 3 then just go as long as possible. then eat fruit for a couple days and fast again.
After day 3 of fasting your body no longer feels hunger. Anything you feel is supposed to be subconsciously. hmmm. I'll see about that.
I heard that popping pebto-bismal tablets and tums are supposed to cut down on the acid in your stomach which builds up when you don't eat which creates hunger. So no acid=no hunger?
Seems sketchy.
~*~
Anyway, this summer is going to be a constant spotlight on my body. My friend is having her Cinsinarea (SP) it's like a Spanish sweet 15.
So i have to wear a dress.
Then of course, the dreaded swimsuits.
O_o
~*~
Oh yea. I've been eating these things that are really good. Dole Mandarin oranges in those little containers. 80 cals a piece. YUM
Anyway that's all for now.
LOVE,
~Riki Ana
p.s. my bro has a new nick name for me. Squishy belly. Thanks bro. -_-
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