Choice
You can eat it. She says with a smile
Enjoy, eat it all and more
Follow me over here
Where no one can hear
Stick your fingers down your throat
Gag, sputter, and choke
Brush your teeth and wash your hands.
You wouldn’t want anyone to know
Keep this a secret
You and I
No one understands why
They would make us say goodbye
Ana looks over from her chair
And shakes her head with despair
I look over begging for forgiveness
She nods her head and stands.
Pushing Mia aside
Claiming me by saying “She’s MINE”
Snarling and hissing erupt.
I stand back not knowing what to do.
Pick they say it’s up to you.
I know who I want
She’s caring, kind and will never let go
Ana, help me
Go away Mia I beg
As Ana’s warm embrace surrounds me
I know she is the key.
To life, thinness and my goal
As the story goes,
I want the perfect body and soul.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Poems.
I wrote this, tell me what you think.
Life
I stand in front of the mirror and stare
You will never be good enough, it’s not fair.
She has all the beauty, inside and out.
Is this really what it’s about?
The snacks call my name
It makes me feel ashamed
Fat lazy bitch she calls out
I just sit there taking it as I fill my mouth
You want to be pretty just like me?
I nod my head up and down
She punches me in the stomach as I cry out
Hurts too much to eat right? She asks with a devious smile
All I can think about is the bile rising in my throat
I choke it back, I deserve it I say.
I get ready for another day of this
You call it madness, I call it life.
It is all worth it.
Life
I stand in front of the mirror and stare
You will never be good enough, it’s not fair.
She has all the beauty, inside and out.
Is this really what it’s about?
The snacks call my name
It makes me feel ashamed
Fat lazy bitch she calls out
I just sit there taking it as I fill my mouth
You want to be pretty just like me?
I nod my head up and down
She punches me in the stomach as I cry out
Hurts too much to eat right? She asks with a devious smile
All I can think about is the bile rising in my throat
I choke it back, I deserve it I say.
I get ready for another day of this
You call it madness, I call it life.
It is all worth it.
To a commenter
Sorry not much time to post.
To whoever comment me, we have the EXACT same stats then because i grew an inch or 2 but i'm too lazy to fix it. lol. Email me if you want to chat or set up some sort of diet plan.
Riki.Ana44@gmail.com
To whoever comment me, we have the EXACT same stats then because i grew an inch or 2 but i'm too lazy to fix it. lol. Email me if you want to chat or set up some sort of diet plan.
Riki.Ana44@gmail.com
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The secret life of the American anorexic
i was just watching The secret life of the American teenager and thought of that lol.
Anyway much to talk about.
First of all, I have 51 readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!!! That's fucking AWESOME! Love you guys!xxx
Next, it went like this...
"Mom what's for dinner?" i asked while walking down the soup aisle.
"Chicken and stuffing." She responded.
*Glup*
"um, can i get a bag of chips?" I ask worried.
"Go ahead"
...
I need something bright. Cheese doodles.
....
"Is the food almost done!?!!?"
"2 minutes" she responded.
"I'm going to eat cheese doodles while i wait..."
*inhaling food*
"Mom, i'm going downstairs on the computer!" i shout, toothbrush tucked into my waistband heading towards the second downstairs bathroom.
And that's where i stayed for like 10 minutes kneeling before the porcelain god.
ugh.
puking till i saw orange.
I didn't.
Damn it. So i was there puking and i got like 2/3 of it out. I was starting to see specks of orange but then my mom came down stairs. Crap.
I wasn't caught and no suspicion. oh well. Tomorrow's limit is under 400.
I'm going to be home all day tomorrow, because i don't have any mid-terms that day.
SO i'll post some thinspo for you lovely ladies. (perhaps gents also?)
Now my throat hurts, my tummy is bloated and i'm shivering. This is sooo not worth food.
Probably going to take a cold shower tonight and freeze to burn some cals.
This morning i was 113. i want to be around 108 by friday. 5 lbs? So like a fast and a restricting day should do the trick.
i can feel my glands are swollen. Do you know that doctors can tell how many times you've thrown up just by feeling them? Weird.
I hate having to throw up. I know i shouldn't throw up but it just seemed so convenient at that time.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm not a mia person though. I know all the tips and tricks but i almost never purge.
Like markers (cheese doodles) to see when it's all out.
*shutter*
I'm making my self a new pro-ana bracelet tonight. My old one broke. I don't use beads like you should but i'm lazy and don't have beads so i just tie a red ribbon around my wrist and put my ED/food diary key on it.
In case you don't know what the bracelet is, it is a way of knowing who is friend and who is foe.
You make a red beaded bracelet and some have dragon fly jewels. Then if you see another girl with it you could try to make eye contact with her and hold up your bracelet, if she does the same she's ana too. If she doesn't it's some random thin girl you happens to be wearing a red bracelet. And you should promptly walk away. lol.
You can buy them online or just make them yourself.
Recovered anorexics know about these too, so they may rat you out so try avoiding that.
I usually wear mine every day. It's a great reminder. There are also different colors. Like Endos is pink, self harm is black and Mia is blue. I'll try to find what all the color and meanings are for you guys.
I wear red, which is Anorexia. I'm not thin enough yet to be considered anorexic but it's a nice reminder of what i'm working towards.
I have to be 102 to be considered anorexic. To be considered anorexic you must be, i'm pretty sure, 85% below your normal body weight.
So for me i'm supposed to be 120. 85% so that is 102. My second goal weight.
1GW-105
2GW-102
3GW- 98
FINAL GOAL WEIGHT- 95!!!!
Oh how i wish i was that number.
Oh yea this summer i'm going to a summer camp for two weeks with my two best friends.
A LOT of hot guys are going to be there. So that's great motivation. Except you can't wear 2-pieces there so that means my arms and legs are going to have to extra good!
Well, i'm off to drink so tea to sooth my aching throaght. :( owwies!
Love,
Riki Ana.
P.s. Listen to the song i posted before on youtube. It's very inspirational.
Anyway much to talk about.
First of all, I have 51 readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!!! That's fucking AWESOME! Love you guys!xxx
Next, it went like this...
"Mom what's for dinner?" i asked while walking down the soup aisle.
"Chicken and stuffing." She responded.
*Glup*
"um, can i get a bag of chips?" I ask worried.
"Go ahead"
...
I need something bright. Cheese doodles.
....
"Is the food almost done!?!!?"
"2 minutes" she responded.
"I'm going to eat cheese doodles while i wait..."
*inhaling food*
"Mom, i'm going downstairs on the computer!" i shout, toothbrush tucked into my waistband heading towards the second downstairs bathroom.
And that's where i stayed for like 10 minutes kneeling before the porcelain god.
ugh.
puking till i saw orange.
I didn't.
Damn it. So i was there puking and i got like 2/3 of it out. I was starting to see specks of orange but then my mom came down stairs. Crap.
I wasn't caught and no suspicion. oh well. Tomorrow's limit is under 400.
I'm going to be home all day tomorrow, because i don't have any mid-terms that day.
SO i'll post some thinspo for you lovely ladies. (perhaps gents also?)
Now my throat hurts, my tummy is bloated and i'm shivering. This is sooo not worth food.
Probably going to take a cold shower tonight and freeze to burn some cals.
This morning i was 113. i want to be around 108 by friday. 5 lbs? So like a fast and a restricting day should do the trick.
i can feel my glands are swollen. Do you know that doctors can tell how many times you've thrown up just by feeling them? Weird.
I hate having to throw up. I know i shouldn't throw up but it just seemed so convenient at that time.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm not a mia person though. I know all the tips and tricks but i almost never purge.
Like markers (cheese doodles) to see when it's all out.
*shutter*
I'm making my self a new pro-ana bracelet tonight. My old one broke. I don't use beads like you should but i'm lazy and don't have beads so i just tie a red ribbon around my wrist and put my ED/food diary key on it.
In case you don't know what the bracelet is, it is a way of knowing who is friend and who is foe.
You make a red beaded bracelet and some have dragon fly jewels. Then if you see another girl with it you could try to make eye contact with her and hold up your bracelet, if she does the same she's ana too. If she doesn't it's some random thin girl you happens to be wearing a red bracelet. And you should promptly walk away. lol.
You can buy them online or just make them yourself.
Recovered anorexics know about these too, so they may rat you out so try avoiding that.
I usually wear mine every day. It's a great reminder. There are also different colors. Like Endos is pink, self harm is black and Mia is blue. I'll try to find what all the color and meanings are for you guys.
I wear red, which is Anorexia. I'm not thin enough yet to be considered anorexic but it's a nice reminder of what i'm working towards.
I have to be 102 to be considered anorexic. To be considered anorexic you must be, i'm pretty sure, 85% below your normal body weight.
So for me i'm supposed to be 120. 85% so that is 102. My second goal weight.
1GW-105
2GW-102
3GW- 98
FINAL GOAL WEIGHT- 95!!!!
Oh how i wish i was that number.
Oh yea this summer i'm going to a summer camp for two weeks with my two best friends.
A LOT of hot guys are going to be there. So that's great motivation. Except you can't wear 2-pieces there so that means my arms and legs are going to have to extra good!
Well, i'm off to drink so tea to sooth my aching throaght. :( owwies!
Love,
Riki Ana.
P.s. Listen to the song i posted before on youtube. It's very inspirational.
Boats and Birds
If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
if you be my boat
I'll be your sea depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free
but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by
if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by
By: Gregory and the Hawk
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
if you be my boat
I'll be your sea depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free
but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by
if you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by
By: Gregory and the Hawk
Friday, January 22, 2010
Crazy week
Man, next week is going to be so crazy. Mid-terms, studying my ASS off today(Ignore the pun).
Ok so i think i came up with a solution that will work. Every morning (or the night before) i will plan out what i'm allowing myself to eat that day.
Example: Day's Goal -300 cals
I may have banana- 80
small Clementine- 50
toast- 80
Low- fat Cereal- 90
that way i can pace my self knowing that there is food waiting, if i need it.
Also i need to start keeping track of my liquid cals. Usually i just ignore them or count them separately. Which is stupid because a calorie is still a calorie no matter how you look at it.
~*o*~
^hehe looks like a surpised smily face!
Anyway, to BGSUDiva, i read you blog and you are an amazing writer. But it wouldn't let me comment. :(
~
To Arii, Your welcome!!! Periods do suck. Alot. You blog is effeing amazing and so is the pic that you posted.
~
umm, oh yea yesterday i was at a friend's house and she got pizza and i only ate 1! they both had 3. i felt so strong! But then i think it's because i don't like eating in front of people....
In school the are making us watch "Supersize Me" The movie where the guy eats NOTHING but McDonald's for 30 days. It's DISGUSTING. It's a video full of fat people, then a guy stuffing his face. eww. It's acually helpful to watch. Like it's totally put of fast-food to me. Also its kinda reverse thinspo. Like looking at fatty, after fatty makes you want to not eat those fries at lunch.
I recommened watching it.
~
umm, i had more to say but now i forgot. Damn.
Love,
Riki Ana
P.S. I love you guys!!! <3 <3
" I want your ugly i want your deiese, i want your everything as long as it's free. I want your love" - Bad Romance, Lady Gaga
Ok so i think i came up with a solution that will work. Every morning (or the night before) i will plan out what i'm allowing myself to eat that day.
Example: Day's Goal -300 cals
I may have banana- 80
small Clementine- 50
toast- 80
Low- fat Cereal- 90
that way i can pace my self knowing that there is food waiting, if i need it.
Also i need to start keeping track of my liquid cals. Usually i just ignore them or count them separately. Which is stupid because a calorie is still a calorie no matter how you look at it.
~*o*~
^hehe looks like a surpised smily face!
Anyway, to BGSUDiva, i read you blog and you are an amazing writer. But it wouldn't let me comment. :(
~
To Arii, Your welcome!!! Periods do suck. Alot. You blog is effeing amazing and so is the pic that you posted.
~
umm, oh yea yesterday i was at a friend's house and she got pizza and i only ate 1! they both had 3. i felt so strong! But then i think it's because i don't like eating in front of people....
In school the are making us watch "Supersize Me" The movie where the guy eats NOTHING but McDonald's for 30 days. It's DISGUSTING. It's a video full of fat people, then a guy stuffing his face. eww. It's acually helpful to watch. Like it's totally put of fast-food to me. Also its kinda reverse thinspo. Like looking at fatty, after fatty makes you want to not eat those fries at lunch.
I recommened watching it.
~
umm, i had more to say but now i forgot. Damn.
Love,
Riki Ana
P.S. I love you guys!!! <3 <3
" I want your ugly i want your deiese, i want your everything as long as it's free. I want your love" - Bad Romance, Lady Gaga
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
You have GOT to be kidding me!
Really life, really?
I got my fucking period AGAIN! Is that even healthy to get it TWICE in one month?
grrrr
no wonder i was so pissy today.
Anyway,
~*o*~
I want you all to do me a favor.
Please read this blog
http://feelingforbnes.blogspot.com/
Pretty please with Low fat ice cream and sugar free sprinkles on top!!
She is a great blogger and we all deserve to have our thoughts heard.
If you want me to read your blog btw just comment me with the link!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***ooooo****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mid-terms are going to tear me apart. I've been emotional eating yesterday and today. grr.
As you all know i sucked the first half of the year
So on that part of the mid-term i'm fucked. Damn me for not paying attention!
:(
*Breathing deeply*
Ok... i'm good.
I'm thinking of trying the 2468 diet soon. If you don't know that's when you eat 200 cals the first day, 400 the next, 600 after that and so on. Once you hit 800 the next day you can either fast or go back to 200.
I heard it gets good results. i might do 8642 too. Same concept just backwards.
~
in other news i've folded the tips of all the pages in Wasted i found inspirational. So when i feel weak instead of reading it all i go right to the page and read. i'm so smart. ;)
Might post some thinspo later. if i feel like it, perhaps tomorrow?
Stupid period, stupid mid-terms, stupid weight.
My life has been good other wise.
Comment and tell me how your doing.
Love,
~Riki Ana!! xx
PS!- READ HER BLOG! http://feelingforbnes.blogspot.com/
DO IT, DO IT NOW!!!! lmao :)
I got my fucking period AGAIN! Is that even healthy to get it TWICE in one month?
grrrr
no wonder i was so pissy today.
Anyway,
~*o*~
I want you all to do me a favor.
Please read this blog
http://feelingforbnes.blogspot.com/
Pretty please with Low fat ice cream and sugar free sprinkles on top!!
She is a great blogger and we all deserve to have our thoughts heard.
If you want me to read your blog btw just comment me with the link!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***ooooo****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mid-terms are going to tear me apart. I've been emotional eating yesterday and today. grr.
As you all know i sucked the first half of the year
So on that part of the mid-term i'm fucked. Damn me for not paying attention!
:(
*Breathing deeply*
Ok... i'm good.
I'm thinking of trying the 2468 diet soon. If you don't know that's when you eat 200 cals the first day, 400 the next, 600 after that and so on. Once you hit 800 the next day you can either fast or go back to 200.
I heard it gets good results. i might do 8642 too. Same concept just backwards.
~
in other news i've folded the tips of all the pages in Wasted i found inspirational. So when i feel weak instead of reading it all i go right to the page and read. i'm so smart. ;)
Might post some thinspo later. if i feel like it, perhaps tomorrow?
Stupid period, stupid mid-terms, stupid weight.
My life has been good other wise.
Comment and tell me how your doing.
Love,
~Riki Ana!! xx
PS!- READ HER BLOG! http://feelingforbnes.blogspot.com/
DO IT, DO IT NOW!!!! lmao :)
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